I'm 33, M, and frustratingly, still a virgin. Am I doomed to go through life this way?

Question

I would describe myself as average looking, tall, maybe a little soft, but definitely not fat. For the most part, my life is good... with the exception of my love-life, complete flat-line.I think females are fascinating and beautiful, and I desire a relationship that leads to family life.When I was young, my family moved from NV to CA, where I was completely ostracized (4th grade) by my peers, and continued on through High School. Needless to say I never had the chance to learn how relationships work, as well as missing out on youthful sexual experiences.I was raised to treat women with respect (beta, I know). I can talk with them in normal conversation, but don't have the slightest clue how to flirt, when to touch, or steer a conversation even slightly in the direction of something sexual. I tend to feel like a creep when I think about doing so as well. In addition, I also have trouble noticing or reading subtle body language cues. I don't want to end up being the real "40-year-old virgin."  I'm tired of feeling the hollow, but tearing pain of being unloved and lonely. I strongly desire having a family with lots of children, yet my future doesn't look so good. A man, without a family of his own, has no purpose at all. I'm now in a state where I'm sexually frustrated, and emotionally drained or unstable. Lately, I've even had brief thoughts of suicide. Any and all advice, knowledge, insight, or help would be appreciated. (Now you understand why I'm remaining anonymous.)

MrOracle · Accepted Answer

Most likely, you've had women you were interested in, but didn't make a move because you feared being turned down. The fear of rejection has resulted in ASSURED rejection!

If you read books for guys that have trouble getting girls, one of the first things they tell you is to start asking out EVERY girl that you find in any way attractive, knowing that most of them are going to turn you down. The point isn't to destroy your self-esteem, but just the opposite: it's to realize that a "no" won't kill you, and neither will 100 or even 1000 "nos". Once you learn that rejection has no real power over you, your confidence will rebound.

Plus, if you ask that many women, you ARE going to get some "yes's". And that's the next problem: you don't know what to do from there.

First, you need to realize that, at least at first, you SHOULD ask out girls even if they aren't "perfect" for you. Take them out, talk to them, get to know them, etc., and basically practice on them. The fact that you aren't head-over-heels in love with them is to your advantage; you can have fun without feeling like "if you blow it, it's all over".

Second, spend TIME, but not MONEY, on them. What I mean by that is: no flowers, no gifts, no expensive restaraunts, etc. Do NOT try to "spend them" into liking you, because it won't work. Those things are for MUCH later in a relationship. What you want to do is spend your TIME on them. Get together and talk, either and her or your place, or "out" somewhere that you can talk comfortably, meaning not the movies or a dance club. There are lots of other things to do, so find one and do it.

Be respectful and polite, but not OVERLY so. Make most of the decisions (where to go, where to eat, etc.). Don't kiss her ass, and don't be afraid to disagree sometimes. She needs to know that you are your own person with your own opinions, and in most cases, she'll respect you for having them even if she doesn't agree with all of them.

Finally, you AREN'T looking for "friends" during this process. Remember that. You are looking for a sexual relationship. Make sure that things don't drift too far away from that focus. At your age, it should be happening by the 5th date at least, and likely sooner than that. Remember: this isn't HS or college; older women understand what guys want much better than when they are young, and aren't as afraid of repuations or what their friends think. They do what they want.

Have confidence in yourself, even if you don't FEEL confident. Carry yourself that way. Still be positive; don't be a jerk. Just carry yourself in a positive, assertive way. Imagine, for example, that you woke up and discovered that you won $50 million in the Lotto AND you have superpowers, but you're keeping both of them a secret. Carry yourself with that slight inner smile that you know these things that no one else knows. Your confidence will be infectious.

dx021 · Accepted Answer

Ouch, that's painful to read. Poor SOB. Have you ever heard of a facultative psychological adaptation?: it means that our minds are wired to react to different situations or stimili with a different mindset, attitude or a set of behaviors.

Your lack of sexual access to females has made you very fixated on, yes you nailed it, a beta mindframe; finding a woman to commit to and have a family with. The way the male mind is wired and your situation has made you subconsciously value and desire this.

Being a beta male might have worked in our EEA (environment of evolutionary adaption), but nowadays its a bankrupt strategy for a man. The only thing you can really hope to land with it is a woman who, yea, might be cute, but is getting old with tons of baggage. Given your background, there is probably a good chance for infidelity as well.

33 is old for a woman, but for a man, you still have a good 15 years on you before you start to dwindle in potential. There is no "fast fix" for your situation, but you can slowly work on it.

First, learn to understand the psychology of females; understand that they are a lot more complex, but a lot less deep then men like to think. They love chaos, uncertainty and feeling unsure about things. Also, learn not to come on direct or too strong. Women love a challenge, and its best to just be... aloof, indifferent and not really give a f***.

Get into masculine things like fighting- join a combatatives gym. Befriend real men there, and go out with them. Watch and learn.

its... a LONG journey you are in for, with no immediate results. But as of right now, yes, you have been doomed to go through life this way;

By yourself.

nermalinda · Accepted Answer

1. work out, eat right, and get into good shape

this does more for your confidence and ability to attract women than most anything you could do

don't try to look like the hulk, just get a couple abs etc.

2. sign up for whatever dating and singles sites and groups you can find, get on meetup.com, join religious groups, take classes, ANYTHING it takes to get you out there and meeting women

3. read some books on how to create attraction with women, flirt, get dates, be a good boyfriend, understand girls, etc, etc, etc. Read "men are from mars women are from venus", I mean whatever you can get your hands on will help you.

You can fix this situation if you really want to, but you have to really make it a priority and work at it.

You're still young enough where you have hope. Plenty of guys get married and have kids at like 35-40, but if you want a chance at that, then you REALLY need to do everything you can to attain that goal.

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Animal_Girl · Accepted Answer

Be honest, and try to have confidence in yourself. I know it's easier said than done, but don't be afraid of rejection. Try to strike up conversations and meet girls in places other than bars and clubs - like grocery stores, libraries, places where you like to hang out. Say you have an interest in rock climbing - talk to the girls there! Again, just be honest. If you find her attractive, tell her.

But, I really believe that you can't love someone else or really expect someone else to love you until you can learn to love yourself. Maybe some counseling or other type of healing would be beneficial before you start looking for a serious relationship. And, it's been my experience that they're the most likely to show up in your life when you're not actively looking for them.

Don't give up. You sound like a catch. :)

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Honesty is a good tool when flirting. Compliments too. When to touch, her brain will send signals out from her body, your job? Picking up on those signs. Which really isn't that hard. Woman's needs are easy to satisfy and whether or not you started out late, you're bound to have bad relationships. Always use them as learning experiences. Now get off the comp and get out there ;D

angel1 · Answer

when do we get to see a pic?

Camilus · Answer

No, I'm sure one of our very lovely GAG girls wouldn't mind helping you out with your virginity.   Any GAG women out there feeling philanthropic tonight?

GleeLover · Answer

High school sucks for everyone, maybe it's time to let the past go & start off fresh.  Try on-line dating, go to clubs, or ask a friend to set you up.  It's not that hard to find a woman, as long as you are not being too picky.

frustratedchump06 · Answer

get a hooker already!

DeanWillis · Answer

Ever tried speed dating? The last sentence of the second paragraph completely describes me as well.

cyrus7 · Answer

well at that age I would assume a lot of girls are in a hurry to settle down or find a good guy... all you gotta do now is just put yourself out there and find her!