Is my husband withholding sex to punish me, or is that just an excuse?

[Anonymous]

I'm at a point in which I am craving physical affection, but I receive zero from my husband. He says he is punishing me by withholding sex until I stop disagreeing or arguing with him. Well, it's been nearly 3 months and I have become as complacent as possible. I agree with whatever he has to say, it tears me up inside but if I "talk back" he gets angry. I have no defenses left, I feel like I am nothing, that I have no use in life. We will hit our 2 year anniversary of marriage soon. This really is out of nowhere, he used to want sex all the time. It was heavenly bliss. He spends every second of the day and night with me except for his job. He says he loves me and is attracted to me...but it's just contradictory. I didn't think love was about controlling another person. I would be grateful for just a kiss, a touch on my cheek...anything at this point. Has he just all of a sudden decided he hates sex? Is it worth hoping for a change? (My husband is 30, I am 28)

[Anonymous]

I think that you should sit down with him and tell him that you really think there is a problem with you two not on the same page with sex, communication or whatever it is the problem is.

Why don't you guys both state what you want, and try to compromise and understand each other.

I"m married too and in my 2nd year also! I don't have that problem and my guy is always wanting to kiss and hold me. I think you guys just need to bring back the romance. Do you guys have any cute things you like about each other? what does he like about you that he says is cute? For me, my guy likes it when I talk with my hands. He thinks it's super cute, so then I do it a lot. Or just try to make him feel more loved, and initiate it. Or at least try to, be like, hey there's this position in the laundry room I want to try with you tonight... I think it'll be fun! What do you think?

Or you can try to just, give him a surprise gift like buying him a pair of guy boxers with penguins if he likes penguins (my guy does). some thing like that to hint to him that you want to see him naked... then just seduce him. Make it fun, marriage is about being happy with one another and trying to make each other happy. Hopefully he'll follow suit once you start it.

[Asker]

I long for a marriage like yours. I used to suggest new positions all the time, he thinks that makes me loose. I'm happy for you! Maye one day I will be lucky enough to have what you have. We just had our 2 year anniversary (today actually), no gift...and most likely no sex.

[DebiPie]

Just because he's at work or with you all the time doesn't mean he's not seeing someone else. That's what I thought too. If he's not having sex with you & you use to have it all the time, chances are he's having it with someone else. Sorry to say.

Ask him point blank if he's having an affair. Although, most men (& women) still don't tell the truth unless they are caught red handed.

I'm not buying the punishing thing. He'd still have sex. He'd refuse something else, like going out, $, etc. There's something else. A man doesn't stop having sex for 3 months with his wife if he loves her. He's getting it elsewhere.

I'm sorry this is happpening to you.

[Shaun]

I doubt he's cheating.

[DebiPie]

Why?

[Shaun]

Because he gives a crap about his wife's back talk and whatever other disrespectful habits she has. If he was getting it elsewhere, he'd be generally content. Either he's being unreasonably controlling or she's not painting an accurate picture of how contradictory her personality is. Either way, that's the issue.

[DebiPie]

Well, if he isn't cheating and he's "punishing" her like this, I'd advise her to either end it or both to seek some serious therapy. He's her husband, not her father. It is not up to him to punish her. If he doesn't like her behavior, you discuss it, work it out. Honey, don't bend over backwards. turnabout is fair play. If he wants to change your behavior, change his: no dinner, no clean house until you get SEX. He is being a jerk. He is not your father. He is your husband.

[Asker]

He only works with men at his employment. I did ask him once if he was sexually interested in men, and he isn't. However, your points about him still wanting sex has me thinking. I just wish he'd talk to me about this but he won't allow conversation.

[DebiPie]

He won't ALLOW conversation? ! Girl, pack a bag, HIS bag, & tell him to get the hell out until he can act like a husband. He is not you father. He is not your boss. And he sure as hell is not God. Get yourself an attorney & get out of this mess now. Save yourself years of trauma because he is not going to change. He wants a someone whom he can push around & tell what to do. And YOU may be onto something with the gay stuff. Female instinct is usually right. Of course he's not going to admit it.

[Asker]

Thank You! I have thought this, but keep the whole I am to blame going. I appreciate everyone saying what I kept pushing to the side. It really feels good to hear that maybe he is at fault and it is not me. I can't even begin to explain how much comments have helped me. Now I need to get moving on it. It's scary, I worry...but I have to.

[DebiPie]

Hon, you are not to blame here. When someone is this controlling & trying to chang youin this manner & unwilling to hold a conversation about it, that is definitely NOT your fault. Sure, it takes two to have problems, but it sounds like you have tried to problem solve with him & this man is unwilling to compromise. You do not withhold sex in a marriage. Nor do you withhold communication. That is not marriage. Friend me, plz.

[bel42]

It seems to me like he's just using that as an excuse. You mentioned that you do whatever he asks of you but he still doesn't have sex with you? That's a sign that he's most probably seeing someone else. Well even though you spend most of the time with him, that doesn't mean that he doesn't see someone else at his work place. Some guys are really good at hiding "other relationships" from their women. If he continues to deny you sex or other physical things , tell him that you no longer can bear with him.

[Shaun]

I don't think it's an excuse, I think your husband is seriously sick of your back talk and it's gotten to the point that he can't have sex with you.

I won't sleep with a woman who I don't think is treating me right, either. If the shoe was on the other foot, you'd probably be doing the same thing.

What issue started all of this?

[Shaun]

I'm just saying that he's not tired of sex, he's actually mad at you about something.

[Shaun]

Apparently the anonymous woman thinks that marriage is a license to make your spouse have sex with you when they don't want it.

[Asker]

This started when he threw the first punch and I defended myself. I have become complacent and never fight back. he scares me. He needed to take control and has done just that. I have no defenses for myself, I treat him with all the love I have. It is no use to talk back because the barrage of insults and threats put me into a suicidal state. I am weak, suffered from depression since childhood. I have a weak opinion of myself and am to blame for not having enough self-esteem to stand up for me.

[Shaun]

Oh well there's the issue, not the lack of sex.

[Asker]

You're right. And you helped, I need to get myself together and grow some self esteem.

[SoberIrishman]

That is childish sh*t. Not taking care of a partner's needs and desire is what leads to them cheating and having an affair with another person. Honestly, if you cheated on him I wouldn't blame you because you're approaching your sexual prime with a husband who won't satisfy you because he throws a tantrum to get his way.

[Asker]

Thanks for your answer, and you hit it on the nail...he will throw a tantrum

[FreeFalling08]

OMG feel free to private message me as I am in the exact same position as you but we are nor married. We do However have a baby. I'm 27 and he's 33. Sending you a big cuddle I oboe exactly how you feel :(

[l-hedoniste]

Time for counseling, pronto.

If you can't have a simple disagreement without him getting angry and withholding sex, I can't see how you can have a normal human relationship, much less a marriage.

[Lish89]

Honey... He's abusing you!! It's super unhealthy! Look at the word "compliant" that you used. That's no way to live in a marriage. Get counselling or get out!

[slipslender]

whoa. he is totally mindf***ing with you right now... wtf?! you guys need marriage counseling...withholding sex is NOT the way to fix the issues both of you are experiencing... you need to address this head on and tell him exactly how he's making you feel.

[Shaun]

She doesn't think she's doing anything wrong, and he's offended by something she does routinely.

[slipslender]

i think she has the right to disagree/argue with her husband- but withholding sex isn't the right solution to this kind of problem. they need therapy or to at least sit down and talk about it.

[Shaun]

They need a third party to help them work out the issues, but if the counselor is too one sided, nothing will get better.

[slipslender]

that's true.

[Asker]

He won't listen, I just think that either I let this be my life or find the courage to move on.

[RockyHorror]

That's really immature of him.

[stepheedee]

I am all about girl power but men have the right to say 'no' as well... No one would tell a woman, "Have sex even if you don't feel like it." Everyone would be telling the woman to hold until she felt safe and loved. Why is it that she can guilt him into sex? If the woman turns a man down enough, he will look elsewhere. She has the same option. You can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Women with-hold IT all the time. Why do we wanna hang this guy up by the balls for doing the same?

[Deiaa]

I'm just reading that post but are you alright? That sounds like abusive behavior

[Anonymous]

I can't believe Shaun said that. He is being controlling, and if a girl had written about treating her husband like this, everyone would be tearing her apart. What he's doing is abusive in it's own way. He wants you to lose your voice completely and it's disgusting. If he wanted a wife that never disagreed with him, he should've married a brick wall.