BDSM freaks me out but my boyfriend says I'm already a sub and loving it?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years and the sex is great. He's let me explore my fantasies and by pushing my boundaries little by little, I've become more open and more sexual. I love it. Thing is that sometimes he takes over control and tells me what to do or if I want something to ask for it. I like it. I always feel safe, I think it's a game where it turns both of us on. Just as often, I inniniate sex and I tell him what I want him to do and he does it. I love that. So yesterday we chatted and he said: you love being a sub and I said no, only when you do stuff I like anyway. He said it's not true that he HAS pushed my boundaries and has been a dom a lot of the time and it's OK, I can admit it. he started talking about safe words and letting go and giving him control. Now this was over chat and not in person so I don't know but the idea of being bdsm freaks me out. I like what we do SOMETIMES in bed, not all the time, not in any other area of my life. I'm scared of what it means that he's a dom. Will he wanna dominate me all the time? Am I just being silly? When I read about bdsm it's all stuff I don't like such as humilliation, slave play, dom/sub play outside the bedroom, him calling the shots when to have sex all the time... All that sounds horrible to me. So what's going on do you think and what do I do? How do I bring it up or DO I even bring it up or wait till he does?

[l-hedoniste]

(Feel free to PM me. My first response was longer even than this—I ran against the character cap.)

*sigh* Amateurs make it so f*cking complicated. (Your boyfriend, not you.)

First, get some reliable information on BDSM before considering anything. My favorites are the New Topping Book and the New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, good writers with a nurturing, encouraging tone.

But that's your long-term education. Here's what's wrong now:

You're going to read a LOT about negotiation, the reason being that it's a grave violation of etiquette, at a minimum, to push someone's boundaries without having their permission to do so. At worst, if someone either commits or allows regular boundary violations, they announce themselves as an unsafe player, or at least a deeply ignorant one.

Roll this WAY back, and begin at the beginning. When can he take control? What can he take control over? To what degree? If you get a heavy caning when you wanted light bondage, that's a negotiation failure. As Jay Wiseman says, you don't want to wait until you're naked and bound to discover that your expectations are misaligned.

"he said: you love being a sub"

Rookie mistake: you tell him, he doesn't tell you. That's if you even know, and if you're not a switch.

"I said no, only when you do stuff I like anyway. He said it's not true..."

Several things could be going on here, none good. First, he's a bad listener; *even if you're wrong* about not being a sub, he needs to hear what you're putting out before giving his opinion.

Also, as a rule, we know ourselves best. Before he starts in on what a sub you are, he needs to engage the idea that he could be wrong about you.

It’s possible he knows you're not a sub by temperament, but wants convince you to sub for him, in which case he's doing it wrong. Again, consent; if you want a partner to sub for you, the way to go about it is to ASK--no mind games.

"he started talking about safe words and letting go and giving him control."

Rookie mistake: an experienced dom would have had this talk before ever topping you.

"the idea of being bdsm freaks me out."

Then call it kinky, everyone will get it. Besides, whatever you call it, you're into giving and taking control, and pushing boundaries. Kinky, BDSM, whatever--it's you and what you're into. Own it, love it.

"I like what we do SOMETIMES in bed, not all the time, not in any other area of my life."

Normal and common. What makes kink erotic is that it has boundaries, negotiation, and consent; otherwise, it’s mere violence.

"When I read about bdsm it's all stuff I don't like such as..."

The world of kink is a large space. Some people do this, others do that. The similarity is power exchange: one controls the experience, another is controlled by it. It's totally up to you what the content of the experience will be, whether it be bondage, humiliation, ritual, pain or whatever.

What do I recommend? A lot of reading and a lot of talking.

[Asker]

Woah, thank you! I'll message you for sure!

[justanotherquestion]

No your not being silly; first things first - if BDSM freaks you out - then give him a flat out NO. What you read is a good 70% untrue; D/s [dom/sub] is trusting another with contorl of you - but as a submissive, you have the right to say no, and if he/she forces the issue - he/she doesn't not know the difference bettwen a submissive and a pet and needs to wake the hell up. PM me I'll send you 3 solid links and a website where you can learn some of the different bdsm - for me, I just like being controled and the feeling of a much more emotionally deep.

P.s: if he's not giving you a bdsm check list to fill out and helping you I would kick him in the nuts until he did or died.

[Asker]

Thanks! I think I just messaged you, but my computer is being funny so I'm not sure it actually sent a message or not? Anyway, I am just scared that he might take it the wrong way, but I think I wanna tell him to take a big step back and then just take baby steps with me and for us to talk a lot more about boundaries.

[justanotherquestion]

ah I did not get a message - but I see someone uptop that certainly you should (: best of luck tink

[toulouse]

hes manipulating you. he's trying to convince you u want to submit to him.

if YOU don't know that's what you want. HE can't know that.

its over chat not in reality. so you make sure that in reality he doesn't go too far. don't let him push you too far. sounds like so far, he's encouraged you to do things you WANT to do. pushing you to do things you are not comfortable wit, is COMPLETELY different.

i don't think he should be trying to tell you what you like. telling you what he likes or wants to try & letting you decide, is one thing .telling you what you like, is not cool. disrespectful.

[internet_user]

Agreed +1

[toulouse]

;-) Also QA keep in mind "Just as often, I inniniate sex and I tell him what I want him to do and he does it. I love that." you like control as well. it probably turns you on to assert yourself, the same way it turns him on to assert himself. and if its in a safe, trusting environment it can work for both people. You probably like the feeling of control- & the sense of intimacy that comes with it. It means games turn you on. It doesn't mean you want to take on the role as a D or S.

[Asker]

Agreed

[AustinMan]

That's really good to hear. While doms generally like labels such as sub, it's just part of the control issue.

[TimB -1-2-3]

Have you considered you are talking on two different definitions?

To some people BDSM might be getting the other person in an almost impossible rope-knot straight from the ancient japanese arts of hojojutsu (and yes, it exists XD), then whipping them and whatnot, whereas for others, a casual fluffy pair of handcuffs, a blindfold and a nice bit of spanking are more than enough..

What is HE proposing that you do? On what 'level' of BDSM is he speaking? What definition does he hold? What is HIS idea, his image of BDSM?

You even say it yourself: you don't know what he means with 'sub' and 'dom'. You don't know what he'll do, to what far an extend he'll push it. etc. etc.

First seek to understand, then seek to be understood...

Also: there is a reason there's a safe word, remember.. ;) Use it if it doesn't feel good to you.

[Thiezz]

How about you tell him what you've just told us? Make clear to him that while you enjoy him acting dominant, you consider variety important and therefore don't want that all the time, and only in the bedroom. Also inform him that you do not like humiliation.

Based on those restrictions, would you be willing to try what he proposes?

[Asker]

Yes and yes. I will talk to him. :)

[Cantremember]

Rule #1 in a relationship: you don't know your partner better than your partner knows him/herself.

[toulouse]

EXACTLY:)

[Aksel]

BDSM is for perverts! I can't really understand why everyone's so excited about it!

It's basically a rape among the couple!

[playdates]

That would probably be consensual rape, which is a thing too. But I think you don't understand why people like BDSM because that's just something that doesn't spike your interest. I'm a girl, I'm into BDSM, I'm the submissive, and I think you got the wrong definition. Basically, I like the feeling of being dominated, just on a higher level. My partner doesn't consensually rape me though. He ties me up (I like bondage because I like the feeling of sexual helplessness, again adding onto being dominated on a higher level) and he teases me, not letting me get what I want (teasing is a turn on, and makes me want it even more). Or I'll get down on my knees and suck his dick because he wants me to. I do what he tells me to do because as the submissive, I want to please him, and in return, he gives me the excitement of being restrained, blindfolded, and making me orgasm or something along those lines. I'm sure you get what I'm saying. It is unlike consensual rape.

[Iwilltrainyouasaslav]

Well, for starters you should approach him alone and ask him to talk to you about something private. Then, apologize to him for making it awkward and ask him to forgive you. Even if he does not think it is your fault, tell him you want him to hurt you if you ever speak without his permission in his presence again. Make him swear to you he will really do it.

That will fix your problem once and for all.

[get-shrekt]

bdsm can be whatever you are comfortable with and whatever you need it to be. one of the most important parts of kinky sex is the kink negotiation. sit down, talk with abandon, and dont be afraid to mention anything. for most people, sex is an emotional connection, and for everyone, it is an experience share between participants, not something someone does to another person. dont be afraid to discover your sexuality. read up on bdsm online. become a sexpert. go from there.

[NotSoGrimReaper]

BDSM has many categories to go with it. You two like two switch roles between Don and Sub which is a very basic and easy going form depending on how into it you go. Since he mentioned safe words odds are he’s wanting you to be comfortable with what is happening. Just let him know the boundaries and give it a shot so that if you don’t like it you don’t have to do it.

[Anonymous]

From what you're saying, you seem to like it but just upset by the label! Anyway, BDSM is different things to different people; so why worry if your BDSM is not *their* BDSM?

You might like one strand of it, and not all... that's perfectly fine.

From what I understand, the human mind works in strange and mysterious ways. My partner, who is otherwise dominant and always fighting-for-equality, never tires of telling me that she loves being dominated in bed!

As for myself, I like to alternate between being dominated and dominating myself. (And, though this may sound quite illogical, I find nothing contradictory in this.)

My suggestion: don't go by labels, and text-book definitions. Just do what you enjoy, what makes both of you feel good, and what doesn't make either side feel resentful.

[Asker]

sounds good. I'll talk to him and tell him to take two steps back and take it slower and that I wanna talk some more about boundaries and what I don't like and so on. I am just scared that he'll take it the wrong way.

[Opinion Owner]

It's just fear I guess. I too was quite psyched out about trying out these things. For one, the label seems so daunting. Secondly, when you think about it logically, it's so very bizarre. But then, on the other hand, sex isn't very logical in the first place... One person thrusting into someone else (sometimes roughly, very seldom with absolute equality) and yet both enjoying it... It was only when I got easy access to online p*rn that I realized not all "fetishes" are bizarre. Many share them

[Opinion Owner]

You're probably mixing up sex with the rest of your life. What happens in the bedroom is wholly unconnected with the other aspects of your life. The faster we accept this the better. My partner is quite equality-oriented (and even dominant in some ways) in most areas of her life. In bed, she repeatedly tells me she wants to be dominated. I can understand that these are two wholly different spheres, and believe her.

[Asker]

Yes, I understand that and after talking it over with my boyfriend, I am reassured that he doesn't see me any other way because in bed he is dominant... I just had to have that talk with him and be reassured that there wouldn't be any spillover into other areas of our life. :)

[Opinion Owner]

You don't have to worry too much about there being a spillover (of sub/dom) in other areas of life! Today's women (specially in the West) are simply too independent and dominant -- if not aggressive! Feminism's unfortunate side-effect. Thank goodness women (some) are at least willing to accept a dominant partner in bed. (In fact, some women even still EXPECT their man to be dominant!) I guess this is due to millenia of evolution... Otherwise how would men cope with *their* millenia of evoln?