I feel inferior to p*rn stars

[Anonymous]

So my boyfriend watches p*rn. Shocker! /sarcasm I have a very stupid problem with it, and I know it's 100% me. I just want to get over it, or at least stop caring about it so much. The thing is, I don't mind that he masturbates. I don't see it as cheating. And I don't really have a problem with p*rn per se - like many feminists do. I just feel inferior to p*rn stars because, well, I'm not that hot and I'll never be that hot and of course, my boyfriend has 2 perfectly working eyes and he also realizes p*rn stars are hotter than me (I asked him once, and he said yes, p*rn stars are hotter than me - and hotter than practically every normal woman because it's their job). There was a time in which he was heavily into amateur p*rn, and surprisingly, it didn't bother me at all. Sure, he was looking at other women and most did not look like me, but they were normal. I guess I have some sort of fear that he'll eventually be more attracted to fake, perfect looking Barbie dolls instead of normal women. But knowing he preferred to masturbate to real women was strangely reassuring. We even watched it together from time to time. He has asked me for pictures and he has even recorded me. I know he likes my body. But there's still this fear that he's more attracted to the fakeness of p*rn women and that if he could, he'd make me be beautiful and hot like them. That just because of the law of availability well, I was all that he could get, it doesn't mean I'm the best physically. And I know there are other things that matter in a relationship, and we have that covered. But I also know sex is really important, and for him, it is REALLY important. It's a silly question (I feel), but how can I stop feeling inferior to p*rn stars? Like I said, I feel like he's with me because I was the only one interested in me, not because I'm truly hot. I know I'm not. I'm not fat, but I'm average, I have small breasts, crooked knees, and I don't have a beautiful face or any of it. I'm not gross, but not stunning like p*rn stars are. I'm also afraid that any guy will be like this if I ever break up with my boyfriend. I'm growing to dislike my body so much, because I can't help comparing myself to p*rn stars. We're very open about this so I know what he likes.

[MrOracle]

Okay, something you need to understand about p*rn that you clearly don't. And I'm going to give you the super-short version here, but you can read the in-depth version from my post here:

link

Basicailly, guys use p*rn to fulfill a need for VARIATION. Even if a guy was dating the woman he thought was the hottest girl on earth, he would STILL have a biological need for variation, and if he didn't satisfy it in some other way, he would end up cheating to get it. Look at all the sports stars, movie and TV stars, and rock stars who are married to super-hot women and still cheat.

Porn allows a guy to see girls that DON'T look like the woman he loves and CHOOSES to be with. If you were a tall blond with big boobs, he would likely look at p*rn of girls who are anything but that (black, asian, brunettes, petites, etc.) It isn't that he wants to be with those girls; he actually has no interest in them as a person at all. He is just using their images to satisfy an instinctual urge for variation.

He could probably break up with you and find a girl that looks more like those girls (whatever it is they look like), but that isn't what he wants. He WANTS >YOU<. He has not only a sexual attraction to you, but also an emotional attraction that he doesn't have for those girls he looks at. But his biological instincts tell him "screw EVERY girl and spread your seed!" Thus, he is programmed to be sexually attracted to all types of women, and needs some way to satisfy that need. Either he can cheat on you and have meaningless sex with random other girls, or he can find another outlet for those urges. P*rn is that other outlet. Take it away, and you have a pressure-cooker that is going to explode sooner or later, with results you'll like FAR less.

Again, for more detail, read the other post.

And stop worrying. Your guy is with you by his own choice. If he didn't want to be, he could leave, but he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. That tells you everything you need to know.

[Asker]

There are flaws with your logic: 1) He is with me because I was interested in him, and who knows? I may have been his only suitor at the time. Like I mentioned in another comment, he thinks I'm the smartest girl he knows so he likes my brains. That doesn't mean I'm his first choice, it means I'm the only thing he could get. 2) I don't have a problem with p*rn, more with the unreachable standard of beauty I'll never be. 3) Where I live, there are practically no blondes with big boobs.

[Asker]

On point 5, what I mean is even if he were to cheat, it wouldn't necessarily be with a "different girl" simply because where I live no one looks like that. So he has little choice in that department. Which leads to point 1 again about availability. Again, I'm not antiporn. I was fine when he was into his amateur phase.

[MrOracle]

Lots of guys like to LOOK at the fake "Barbie Doll" looking girls (Pam Anderson, etc.). They are kind of like a living, walking fantasy. But that doesn't mean they would choose that girl to actually DATE. Surprising to many women, guys tend to be much more grounded and realistic when choosing a mate in real life. They like to have their fantasies, but most are fully prepared to let them remain just that: fantasies that they have no intention of trying to fulfill.

[MrOracle]

In a fantasy, a girl's look is everything, because that's all it is. In real life, there are MANY other factors that are as or more important. Most guys know this and act accordingly. IMO, you are getting too caught up in his fantasy world and trying to compare yourself to that. You can't do that. Heck, even THOSE girls can't look like that without 2 hours of hair and make-up, and someone constantly touching them up.

[MrOracle]

Again, guys know this. They are much more realistic and practical about love, like they are with everything else. Don't confuse what he enjoys in his fantasies with what he wants in real life. That is only going to cause you needless worrying, and eventually resentment, when the problem is really all in YOUR head.

[Ponyhorse]

I must admit I have a hard time relating to the things you write, probably mostly because I'm a guy. I do, however, recognize that you have put a great deal of time into writing this question, and it's obviously something that truly concerns you, so you want an honest answer.

First of all, I want you to really focus on one of the things you bring up. The p*rn stars your boyfriend is watching aren't "real". For a real relationship, I would choose a person who's "real" and cares like you do, over a solely physically attractive female any day. I could never be with a person as "blank" as a lot of p*rn stars seem to be. I would even go so far as to say that your boyfriend probably feels the same way. Physical attractiveness, however, is much easier to get off to, than spending hours getting to know a person, and really connecting. I hope you see where I'm going.

I understand why you are uncomfortable in your current situation. I just think you need to understand the reason your boyfriend is watching p*rn. It's not to find a substitute for you. It's probably more like a way to give his brain an illusion of being around a female with exactly the physical characteristics it has been selected to strive for.

If you asked the most primitive part of a man's brain, it would probably wish for a world inhabited by just him and a lot of young, big breasted females with healthy curves, but luckily most of us have evolved beyond that. We actually care about the personality of the person we're with.

[Asker]

I get thatm I don't think he'll look for a substitute, if anything I came to be a substitute for his hand. But I fear he'll stop seeing me as beautiful or that he inherently sees me as less attractive or not ideal, no matter how great my personality is. Just like guys want to f*** hot girls, us girls want to be perceived as beauty queens because that's what we see guys appreciate the most... like you said it's tiresome to get to know someone, etc.

[Asker]

In that regard what I mean is sometimes it feels like personality isn't as important as people say, because beauty is still more widely appreciated and valued (like in the media). Being beautiful makes a woman more powerful than being nice or smart. Deep down we sense this, and yeah I'm smart but I don't feel it compensates for lack of beauty you know. I guess deep down all I want is that he'd see me as hotter than them. Pathetic, I know, but that's what I feel I can't help it.

[Ponyhorse]

I think you may be partly right. Personality doesn't really seem to be meant to make people of the opposite gender horny. Wanting to be hotter than them? Isn't that's a bit like wanting to naturally be a better mechanic than professionals, to avoid having your car serviced by others? No one can expect to compete in any field against professionals. :S

[Asker]

But why does beauty have to be "proffessionalised"? I don't get it. So I'll always have to feel uglier just because horny guys like to wank to fake women?

[Asker]

I guess in a way it feels like I'm not what he's supposed to want. Like what you said about having certain programming in the brain, etc. I wish I could get it, I wish as a female I was wired exactly like a male so that I could get it, but I don't. I guess I do have a problem, but... what's wrong with wanting to be wanted, with wanting to be beautiful and hot in his eyes? What's wrong with wanting to be better than fantasy? I feel like I'm not good enough.

[Ponyhorse]

I didn't quite mean that it's because she's a professional. Being professional just makes it her job to look exactly the way people who watch p*rn think is ideal for visual sexual appeal. She can use a great deal of time simply staying in shape, having her hair look perfect, having perfect skin, taking the perfect amount of sun, practicing dirty talk and so on. She can even skip anything concerning personality, since the "customers" won't get to know her.

[Anonymous]

First off, I can't believe he said that the p*rn stars are hotter than you even if he feels it. BF's are supposed to be like "NO! omg, you're amazing and pretty...blah blah blah" but anyways I'll get to the point.

There is NO reason why you should feel this way. I wouldn't feel jelly over a girl who has to f*ck a bunch of dudes and her S*it gets stretched out and the chance of contracting something. but oh I guess that's not the problem, their beauty is the problem right? Well who cares? Honestly. Men all over the world have different taste in women and not all men are drooling over these chicks. You just have to accept who you and work with what you got. If you did break up with your boyfriend..not every guy is going to feel THAT way or ACT like that unless you are drawn to those types of guys. Trust me don't loose too much sleep over what your boyfriend thinks because there is prob. a much better looking ass hole who acts like him and he MIGHT be worth sweating over. Maybe you're the type of chick who is going to be like "OMG! NO!" and totally defend her man but why? He's jacking off to these chicks that makes YOU feel bad about YOU. and what is HE doing to make you feel better? It's not 100% his job to make you feel better but it would be nice if he tried. you know?

[peace-love-couture]

She shouldn't have asked him that question. Why ask and expect lies?

[Asker]

Yeah I am going to be that chick who defends her man. This is only one aspect. I feel inferior to them because yeah, he said they're hotter, but as Evangelina pointed out I shouldn't have expected a lie. I'm not blind and I can clearly see I look worse than them. And this aspect may make me feel like sh*t sometimes, but it's not his intention, and in other aspects he's all I could dream of. This has more to do with me than him. But thanks.

[Opinion Owner]

That is the point. No. Let's put it this way. Everybody lies. Right? Okay, you wouldn't even know it was a lie to begin with. Besides, if he loved her he wouldn't have said "yeah they are way hotter than you." what kind of sh*t is that? When you're in a relationship you try your best to make them feel amazing. Hell, he could have went a different way and said I believe they are hot or whatever but you, you are beautiful in my eyes in a way that they can't compare.

[peace-love-couture]

Girls and guys think differently. I don't know why girls expect lies. Guys are generally honest and straightforward but girls seem to expect guys to speak like girls. Girl code.

[Opinion Owner]

We have to put up with their sh*t. They are going to have to put up with ours. Guys are straight forward depending on what it is and who is asking. If they were straight forward than a lot of chicks wouldn't have broken hearts. But yeah. To the asker..the thing is, yeah it has to do with you seeing your own self worth and how you look and he can only do so much. But maybe you should take time to appreciate you first and forget the p*rnstars for now.

[Asker]

I know he lies. For example, he says I'm the smartest woman he's ever met. I'm an undergrad. He's met PhDs (ok, they're older than me, but still). He knows my sister, and I think my sister is a lot smarter than me, so on and so forth. But he has always praised my brains, he even says I'm smarter than him and he admires me for it (he's pretty smart himself). I can't possibly be the smartest girl he knows. But he insists. It makes me feel good, though.

[Opinion Owner]

exactly. I know you want him to tell you're pretty. But then again, would you believe him. probably not. just a note. whenever you find a guy and you know him or love him...and he tells you you are pretty then..believe him and you know the inner beauty can make you shine even brighter on the outside.

[kewkewsie]

That is unfortunate, and I defiantly see where you are coming from as I do feel similar to you, but my boyfriend never said that p*rn stars are hotter than me, he has said they look fake and they are nasty sluts, he also finds breast implants a turn off, most guys do, I know they don't all have implants but it filters out some of the jealousy.

I would inform your boyfriend that the women are airbrushed in videos, not just in magazines, but like common commercials (think teeth, skin or hair commercials) they are stripped of any flaws. They also pound on the makeup, get their hair done. get a spray tan. Think of how nice you look when you take 2 hours to get ready (pretty dam hot right). If he really seems to have put them on a pedestal above you, you should leave him and be the most beautiful women to someone, which you 100% deserve and will find. In the end he's not having sex with them, and does he "measure" up to the guys in his videos, is he perfect? He's immature and stupid in my opinion not all guys are obsessed with p*rn. They all watch it but they don't look up to it, it should only ever go as far as being a cheap substitute for the real thing with their girlfriend/wife.

[cavmanier]

Really be the most beautiful women to someone? You must mean inside or it sounds like a fairy tale women are taught to believe will happen to them. At an older age women get over this idea and settle. Sorry just so cliche

[kewkewsie]

ya well your no prize, I'm sure someone will settle for you.

[Anonymous]

First of all to not feel inferior to p*rn stars you must understand exactly what you said. They are full of fake silicone and are payed to stay in the gym and spa. you must love your self and body! And I know you could say, I'm just being truthful. Well at least your body is real other then p*rn stars. A lot of girls would kill to have a body of urs. I'm sure. And if your boyfriend is satisfied with that and you notice he is pushing you into somthing is basically for him, then forget him. Listen you must love your self more then anybody or others will take advantage. I'm serious. There is a certain limit to doing somthing for a relationship. Wake up look in the miror admire your self get dressed up and say that you love your self and mean it. Doing this almost every morning will def. Higher your complexities. Good luck hope I helped :)

[northwestree]

Try watching p*rn with him. See what turns you both on, talk about it. Give him a hand job or a blowjob while he is watching p*rn. Encourage him to fillm you. Ask him what he would like you to do in the films. Bring up your ideas, what is sexy for you to do, and be filmed doing?

[Asker]

That's not the problem. I'm fine with p*rn as long as it features normal looking people. What I fear is that watching so manye "perfect" women will make him find me less desirable. I just wish I was hotter than them in his eyes, but I'm not.

[l-hedoniste]

Do you feel inferior to chefs on cooking shows? Or the martial artists in kung fu movies? Or the drivers in racing movies? Or movie superheroes?

That's who you're comparing yourself with: actors on controlled sets, assisted by casting, editing, and special effects. There is no reason whatever to expect to you'll perform like they do. Even p*rn stars say this, when asked.

[Asker]

It's not a performance matter, it's a physical appearance matter. As I understand what men like about p*rn is watching sex, not necessarily fake looking women. In amateur p*rn you have fairly good looking women having sex. Yet most p*rn features extremely fake looking women. How are women supposed to feel good about themselves when guys like these fake women so much? I'm confused. I mean p*rn actors are grotesque and I vastly prefer an average guy. Like bodybuilders. P*rn women are the same.

[Asker]

What I mean is bodybuilders (which exaggerate their muscles) are just as grotesque (from my point of view) as p*rn actors. Most women feel the same, and I'm sorry if I offend anyone but guys with exaggerated features are not really hot. Most women agree with this. I see p*rn women as the same, they look cartoonish. It's too much fakeness. But if guys like it so much it must mean they look better than real women like me.

[l-hedoniste]

Here's the difference: the average guy doesn't compare himself to bodybuilders. Do you hear guys asking, "How can I stop feeling inferior to bodybuilders?" or "I have some sort of fear that she'll be eventually attracted to guys with perfect pecs and calf implants?" Most guys--listen carefully here--would find such muttering deeply silly, and would wonder about the sanity of a guy who would choose to occupy his mind that way.

[l-hedoniste]

Which goes to my main point, which most guys are too nice to say: I--and perhaps most guys--find it bizarre and foolish that women are comparing themselves to blow-up dolls from Fantasyland. If we think only very dumb guys get depressed comparing themselves to The Rock, we're going to think only very dumb girls get depressed comparing themselves to Megan Fox--it's the same stupid, with sexes reversed.

[Asker]

Well men are not as pressured to be hot. I guess we do come from different planets. I didn't know that wanting the one you love to feel he has a hot girl was being stupid... I wish guys would understand that we don't want you to see us just as a "nice, fun girl" we also want you to see us as sex goddesses, like you see Megan Fox or p*rn stars. We're more than just personality dammit.

[l-hedoniste]

"Well men are not as pressured to be hot." You pressure yourselves, you pressure each other. If I walk into a room full of cover models, I walk right back out. They're there for each other, not for me, to do that female-beauty-competition thing that *I don't give a damn about*. I just want someone lots of fun who'll be nice to me. If she's hot, bonus. If not, meh. I'll deal.

[l-hedoniste]

Let's unpack that need for hotness a little. You know that's ego, right? It's not enough that he's perfectly happy with who you are, he must also think you're hot. That's not about him, but about your need for approval. Fine, but be VERY careful not to translate your needs ("I want him to think I'm hot") into his obligations ("He should find me hot and he doesn't. Something must be wrong.") You absolutely *must* rein that in; I see women destroy relationships in just this way, all the time.

[jusrgirl5727]

Oh, come on now. You may not be shallow, but you're an exception. Most guys dig hot girls, that's unquestionable. Otherwise p*rn stars wouldn't be hot, and Megan Fox would look average. There would be no Playboy, Maxim or any of it. Guys want hot girls, it's not that we pressure ourselves to compete with each other. Of course we want approval, but in my case at least I want it from men, not women, 'cause I'm straight. Most women compete form men's attention.

[l-hedoniste]

We put the Playboy, the Maxim, the p*rn down, and we walk away and live the rest of our lives. We don't walk around comparing the girls in our life to this month's centerfold. That's a girl thing, and a f*cking annoying trait. P.S.: "Most guys dig hot girls..." "Guys want hot girls..." General life rule: we're usually on shaky ground when we find ourselves adept mindreaders; we're usually seeing what it suits us to see.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

Feel better cause at least you can have real and stable than p*rn stars cause guys may fantasize about them but there is no way in hell they want a serious relationship with them.

[Cantremember]

Porn stars are really NOT that hot. They just look slutty which is easy on the eyes. But would we look any longer at them than 15min? No. Because we already have enough of it. You shouldn't feel inferior to someone who can keep our attention only for that long.

[foolycooly1001]

If he were only with you for your body, maybe you should be worried. But I doubt he is. When I look for a woman, I look for one who matches my requirements for values and interests. I just want to be attracted to her too. It might be different for me, because there are so few women who meet those requirements.

[Asker]

But I guess in a perfect world, guys would have girls who matched emotional requirements and had a p*rn star physique, right? I mean... I guess maybe I have a warped vision, but yeah p*rn stars are way better than me physically. And I'm sure if he could have my personality + p*rn star body, he'd choose that. And that makes me feel inferior.

[foolycooly1001]

We don't live in a perfect world. In a perfect world, wouldn't your boyfriend be a billionaire?

[Asker]

Not really, I think people who have the most money have the most f***ed up emotional/mental lives. But whatever, never cared too much for money, it's too much of a hassle.

[foolycooly1001]

My point is there is probably something that you would change about your boyfriend, but you wouldn't dump him for someone who had it.

[Asker]

Yeah, I guess I'd change his perception of beauty

[cavmanier]

The truth is that a lot of those girls are amazingly beautiful. Most are just good looking to average though. Not everyone is great looking in the real world obviously but like you said with the law of availability, we get what we can. Of course there are more attractive girls he would rather screw just like how there are more attractive guys you would probably rather have him look like. If you want to look your best maybe get in shape. A nice butt can make up for a lot in the looks department, believe me. BTW a lot of the amateur women are stunning too. Not all guys like the huge tit look.

Lifes funny. I've noticed smart girls tend to want to be told their hot and hot girls tend to want to be told their smart so you can never really win ehh.

[Asker]

It is what it is, I guess it's just like "you always want what you can't have". I'm smart, so I want to be told I'm hot, and vice versa with hot girls. I don't really wish he'd look like someone else, but I get your point, I guess if I could change his perception of beauty for instance, I would. I'm already in shape, what else can I do? I was just born curveless :/

[cavmanier]

Well if your body is in pretty decent shape you are probably pretty nice looking overall. If you mean you have small hips most guys won't even notice this much and if your boobs are small most guys are fine with this too. I think in general you should try and change your flaws if you can, but accept what you can't change and there's no point in stressing over it. Also enjoy what you have in life cause it goes by fast. Sounds like your doing ok!

[longrodvonhugendong]

Honestly, a lot of p*rn stars aren't all that attractive (too much makeup, really fake boobs, etc). I don't know about other guys, but for me, it's not about the girls. It's about watching sex.

[taster]

Only thing I can say is... I love giving oral & receiving pee...porn will give me sight & sometimes sound...but it will never give me smell or feel or taste...no one has EVER found a substitute for real females on those three...No Feel of warm flesh ? No smell of Aromatic Female Reproductive? And no taste of hot, salty pee? I don't want to live to see that day...): AND..maybe .most important...who will lay with me and wrap me in her arms and legs and hold me in the iron dark...which drives the demons of the day away?

[foolycooly1001]

I don't think she's afraid he likes p*rn more than her.

[taster]

Yeah..ok ..so I'm naive...who has unlimited access to p*rn stars..and even if he does..how long does that last? oh...btw...no one has explained to me that he likes some sort of prototype perfect female which I never asked any females to live up to in the first place but other females seem to think that they know all the answers and are able to speak for males as well...ok ...embrace your fears then...I am not angry at you ...merely out of patience...

[Asker]

How many guys do you know who think the typical p*rn star/Playboy girl is gross an unattractive? I know none. I have met many guys who have told me, to my face, how unattractive I am. My boyfriend hasn't been one of them, but he has mentioned how hot p*rn stars are. No, he doesn't have access to them. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't want a p*rnstar lookalike (note I said LOOKALIKE not an actual p*rn star) over me. I happened to show interest and he took me.

[Asker]

But that doesn't mean he thinks normal women are more of a turn on. It doesn't mena he likes my beauty more than theirs. Every girl, I think, no matter how confident in herself, deeply fears that one day she'll fail to give her guy a boner, or that he'll get bored of how she looks, or that he'll start seeing her as ugly, etc, etc.