Is he going to dump me for not having a threesome?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend says he is in love with me and has even hinted that he thinks I am "the one" or that I could be. He is very devoted to me and as far as I know, very faithful. However, recently he has been talking a lot about the idea of having a threesome. it started out as sort of a joke, but then it occurred to me that he actually wanted one. he never said it was a deal-breaker, but he said "It's every guy's fantasy, of course I want to". After a while I got a little upset about it, but I didn't cry, I just told him I was feeling weird about it (because I would hate to see him with another woman) and that it upset me. Later he called me and apologized, and said he never meant for me to feel that way, and that he would stop suggesting a threesome. It seemed very genuine, but naturally I'm worried that for him, this COULD be a deal-breaker. I doubt it because he's never had a threesome, but I'm afraid that if I won't do it, he'd do it with someone else. Should I be worried?

[Bobbles40]

The female answers here are so typical and frankly sad in an age of greater sexual knowledge and neuroscience.
First things first - the monogamy assumption women have. You understand zero about male sexuality. Our inclination towards sex and fantasy are 100s times greater than your own.
Secondly, how selfish you are to think that you can ever be the perfect partner in a sexual sense for anyone. I never ever assume that with my girl: she is her own person with fantasies and desires - most of which I can never hope to fulfill. The best I can hope for is that she trusts me enough to tell me about them, which she does.
Some of your your comments reek of misandry and frankly deep seated insecurity: it's all about you controlling men: fear of loss to another woman.
Ironically most of you would say "we want greater communication with our partner, we want to know what pleases him", but the moment the guy says something that goes against your sexual prejudices you want to cut him off at the knees.
Some of you have clearly been bruised in relationships, cheated on I suspect, others will be with some lame beta male that you dominate, who is frightened to say anything except "another coffee, dear?"
I say talk to him for longer. It may be that he does simply fancy a friend of yours which could be incredibly threatening. Perhaps you could engineer a situation with a stranger that would be less threatening?
Either way, it is perfectly acceptable and normal for men in relationships to look for more excitement. Because he has these desires does not mean he does not love you. Far from it. He trusts you enough to tell you his innermost desires. Everyone gets bored with their partners after a while - but women are far better equipped to cope.

[ilovelegs]

Besides doing all this talking about how much he loves you and that you're the "one", etc, what has he ever "done" to prove all that talk? Suggesting a threesome isn't something a guy would EVER suggest doing with a girl that he considered the "one" for him. If he truly loves you why would he ever suggest bringing another girl into your relationship just for a fun thing because the reality of actually doing it will bring on jealousy and mixed up feelings from now on between you two and your relationship will NEVER be the same again. I'm sure he was genuine in testing your feelings, and if he's serious about that you're far better off to just let him go because sooner or later, and probably sooner, he'll be wanting this other girl thing in one form or another. Wow, don't ever consent to letting him have fun with another girl right under your nose as a threat that he'll leave you. If you let him do that I'd say he already left you so just stick to your guns and let the dust fly however and wherever it goes. Your relationship is on very shaky ground right now. If you give in to that now you'll be giving in to whatever he comes up with from now on.

[melissarose8585]

Some people can have threesomes without any consequences, but if it affects you this much, then obviously it's not for you. And he should be considerate of that, and it most likely won't be a deal breaker. And if it is, well, you don't want him around.

And it's one thing to be considerate and compromising on a partner's fantasies and sexual needs, but another to go so far out of your own comfort zone that it will backfire by making you feel alienated in the relationship. It's all about finding that middle ground. For instance, I'm not fond of oral sex, but my guy is. So I do give him bowjobs, but he knows I would rather him use his hands (crazy, maybe, but true). We compromise. He likes reverse cowgirl, I don't. So I'll do it every once in a while, and throw in some of his other favorites to keep his mind off the fact that we're not using that position as much as he would like. As for me, I prefer missionary, and he knows it, so we'll switch up a lot and he always makes sure to hit that position quite often. THAT'S compromise and middle ground.

[basslake89]

NEVER do something that is against your nature. let me be honest with you for a moment. my dad and mom (when they were still married) did things that my mom was pressured into because she felt that she would be a "better wife" if she went through with things. let me tell you that it doesn't work. he would bring home diseases and women all the time and when they went out "dancing" it was really to go swinging... he ended up leaving my mom for the choir director of our old church anyway... mom thought that wendy was just "another one" that would go away...but didn't

this is the extreme, but the bottom line is to never forget who you are and what's important to you. I'm lucky to have an open relationship with my mom to learn from her experiences. if you don't want to have a threesome, if it goes against your deepest nature... then don't

[Infogirl]

You know why it's every guys fantasy? Because he can cheat right in front of you and have it be okay and you being "turned on" about it. but in real life 90%-probablly more of us are not. HE should be worried that it's a deal-breaker for YOU; not vice-versa. If it is a deal breaker that means he values sexual promiscuity over his love for you.

You should never be so desperate to keep a man that you stoop to things that you would never actually do if it weren't for him. You know what-if he broke up with you for someone who agrees to do threesomes-I doubt that girl would be marriage material and probablly a slut with low self-esteem, not "the one". The fact that your worried has me worried

[lostandconfused]

If he breaks up with you for not letting him have sex with someone else, then count your blessings he's gone! It just proves he didn't really love you to begin with and saves you from a long road of heartbreak. Threesomes destroy more relationships than save them. Do not do anything you are not comfortable with to please your guy, if he loves you he will respect your feelings.

[vald9inches]

what this girl said! lol

[djmoney]

You shouldn't be worried at all. If he decides you aren't for him because you refuse a threesome, then you need to find yourself a better man.

I will admit, a threesome IS a fantasy for most of us. That, however, does NOT mean I am willing to jeopardize a relationship with "the one" over it. If I cared about you at all, and you already stated you did not want to, I would drop it and you would never hear me suggest that again.

Good luck with this!

[cuteflirtygirl]

You should be dumping him for even bringing up the idea. Tell him to leave his fantasies in his head unless you like the idea even more than you do your relationship. Quit being afraid and start standing up to him and recongnize a bad apple when you see one. You think you have something going with him but in reality you don't. Is all you have is a relationship based on convenience and for some reason he's just started feeling comforable enough now to start the weird stuff he's had in his head.

[Atomizer]

oh my lord, honey, grow a backbone!

What if he dumps you for not having a threesome? then having a threesome is more important to him than you are. do you want a guy like that?

What's next?

"Will he dump me if he can't sleep with my sister?"

"Will he dump me if I refuse to wear a dog collar in bed?"

Do you have any self-respect at all?

He's not the only man on the planet, you know.

[Asker]

I know that, I just heard that you need to be respectful of your partner's fantasies. For example if a guy never went down on his girlfriend people would tell her to dump him.

[Atomizer]

You don't have to be be respectful of someone's fantasies if the fantasy is disgusting to you. There's a world of difference between oral sex between two committed partners, and a threesome.

[Asker]

Good point. I just felt bad because he always makes sure to make me happy in bed and I would feel bad for not doing the same--but there is no way I'd ever have a threesome because of jealousy.

[ALWAYSclassy]

You don't have to sacrifice yourself to make him happy. what about YOU? A guy not going down on his girl but still expects her to go down on him is wayy different than your situation.

[ALWAYSclassy]

It's every guy's fantasy but that doesn't mean you have to do it if you don't want to. If he loves you he won't leave if you don't do a threesome. Just let him continue fantasizing about it, that doesn't mean you have to do it. I would NEVER do a threesome with a serious boyfriend, that's just asking for trouble.

[AwkwardEscapee]

If a threesome is the dealbreaker... he was never worth it

[flawless29]

I have never had a threesome, and I never will. Any man that comes at me like that can be with someone else, because I have much more respect for myself to do something like that. When a man asked me that I believe that shows just how much he care about you to allow another man to f*** his woman or vice versa. If he leaves you for something stupid like that then you are better off without him anyway, have much more respect for yourself because if you don't no one else will. Let him have a threesome with somone else even if you do go ahead and agree to do that he still might leave you and do it with someone else.

[cg2402]

I don't agree that a guy wouldn't suggest it if he really loved you. It is a fantasy, and maybe just one last...attempt at adventure before moving into something more seriously?

Regardless of any of that, it does sound like he loves and cares for you. The fact that he understands it upset you and apologized specifically for making you feel that way should push your worries aside.

I guess ask him if you feel like it's a big deal for him. But honestly, it sounds like he's genuine to me