Sexual Health
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I feel so bad for my boyfriend. What do I do?

Hi everyone! Ok so me and my new boyfriend (of about 2 months) started having sex about a month ago. He's 21 years old and I'm 20. (This is the guy who took my virginity mind you.) He either comes too quickly or not at all (it's usually the case where he doesn't come at all) and he get's very very frustrated, upset, and disappointed and it makes him draw away from me. He feels embarrassed and is in a bad mood the whole rest of the day. I told him that something like this will not ever make me leave him. I'm in this relationship for way more than sex (as is he). I try suggesting that maybe it's me, I'm new to sex so I'm just learning how to be "good at it." But he assures me I'm beautiful and sexy and it has nothing to do with me. This is not a new problem, he says. I just feel so bad for him. I don't understand it at all on a subjective level, but I see how much it affects him. Is there ANYTHING I could do without coming on as smothering? thanks everyone!
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Your guy has anxieties about sex. This is not an uncommon problem. If it persists he may want to get help from a sex therapist. But there are also things you can try together.

    Telling him that you wouldn't leave him because this is not a good idea. Think about it this way: when someone says "I think I'm ugly" the correct response is not "don't worry, I'm not going to leave you because of that", it is "you are not ugly, you are beautiful".

    He feels like a sexual failure, which hurts his sense of masculinity, and what you are telling him is: "you may be a failure in bed, but that's not that important to me". That's not going to help. You won't be able to 'convince' him that his performance in bed is not important (mostly because even if it's not important to you, it's important to him). Instead, try to emphasize to him that you enjoy sex with him, and that being naked and intimate with him feels great regardless of whether or not he cums, or how long his erections last.

    OK. What will really help both of you is to **stop** thinking about sex as a linear process such as:

    (1) foreplay (2) intercourse (3) orgasm.

    Instead, you should think about it as a fun activity you do together that needn't have any definite order.

    Try and find a time when you can spend a few hours in bed. The key is to not make this into a big deal. Not that sex is not a big deal, but that the difficulties you encounter in sex are not a big deal. He finishes too quickly? No big deal! He can help you orgasm with his hand or mouth, and after 10 minutes you can go at it again. He loses his erection? Again, no big deal. Just hug for half an hour, make out, and try again.

    However, be careful not to make the mistake of making this into a stressful marathon. It's not like: "we are getting in bed now and we are going to solve this problem". It's exactly the opposite of that: it's time when you two enjoy each other without a definite goal in mind.

    Also make sure that he knows that fooling around naked with him in bed, is the highlight of your day!

    • Wow this is very informative and useful..thank you so much

    • You're welcome. Feel free to message me if you need more help.

  • So when he doesn't come at all does he lose his boner? and your definitely handling it the right way but you should both do oral on each other that is a huge turn on for a lot of guys and it might fulfill him because he'd still be pleasing you and he might not think about it so much and be able to perform better.

    • Yeah we bothe go down on each other before intercourse..and he usually goes soft before he comes

Most Helpful Girl

  • my ex had a problem with losing his erection and the first time we tried to have sex he couldn't get it up he got so vicious because he was mortified, there very touchy about it, you just have to reassure them, don't draw away from him cause itll probably just validate his fear thatll ull leave him because of this issue. just comfort him, just keep doing what your doing

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 1

  • He's like the three bears with the porridge being either too hot or too cold.

    He'll stabilize after your lovemaking becomes routine.

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