How do I give my boyfriend more confidence in bed?

[Upstarter]

I have been with my boyfriend for around 4 months now and things have never really taken off in the bedroom. Sure we've had sex already but only a couple of times and even though I want it, he doesn't. When we first met I knew he had taken a real knock from his ex. She was quite wild in the bedroom and apparently he didn't meet her needs. When they split she got pretty nasty and told him he was rubbish in bed, had a small penis and was too fat to have sex. When we go to bed he won't take off his shirt and basically, if we do anything of a sexual nature he'll pull his trousers down then put them back up after. We've probably had sex about 5 times. 3 times he's only managed to keep it up for about 3-4 minutes and twice where he's come pretty much instantly. Whenever I try to start anything he gives all kinds of different excuses and we usually end up with me giving him a bj and him fingering me or using a toy. He has no problem at all getting or staying hard when getting a bj and can keep it up for 30 minutes plus. In reality he is smaller than average and he is overweight but I do find him attractive and I do enjoy having sex with him. I tell him as much but he doesn't believe me and he also has a complex about the noise I make when we have sex, he thinks I fake it and am not really enjoying it. So far I've tried to not make a big deal out of things. When he's asked I've told him that he is average sized. I keep trying to instigate sex and I try to make him feel like I do want him and am attracted to him. Its been about 3 weeks since we last had sex and I'm getting kind of fed up. I've told him that I would rather have sex with him, even though I probably won't come, than do other things where I'm pretty much guaranteed to climax because that's the truth, I would much rather have him inside and have the closeness of sex than have him use a toy. Should I sit him down and bring this up as a major conversation or do I run the risk of making him feel worse?

[ArtistBboy]

It sounds like the mind is playing more of a trick on you guys than his emotions are. What I mean by that is that guys typically fight our lust for sex when we have troubling thoughts on our minds (Yes, you can call it emotion-based, but hear me out). Like you were saying about the exs, he's been having difficulty with keeping it hard/etc in direct correlation to his thoughts (feelings) blocking his urge. But what you also noticed is that when he got a BJ (most guys cherish this because it shows the girl actually wants us, as most girls won't normally give BJs) - he stayed hard for longer, and probably interacted more with you sexually than on any other occasion...

So really, by the deduction of what you've already said, it sounds like you just need to explore more into your sexual life with him. This means that if you don't exactly crave giving him oral, then maybe you guys should try a different location (like camping/etc) or other things which may inspire his urges again. It sounds likely that he's associating the "bad feelings" with what he's already done in the bedroom. If you can switch it up, it should help to inspire new feelings.. Once he realizes that you just want HIM not necessarily an orgasm - then things will start to repair from the damage that was left long ago.

If you really don't know what else to do - I'd strongly advise avoiding a discussion about the topic. Emotions are extremely unstable. Trying to say there is something wrong (aka bringing up this topic) will only make matters worse. So in lamens terms - you could shoot yourself in the foot now; or try what you can to make things better for the future on your behalf. If he doesn't understand your efforts in the long run, at least you will have a better knowledge of what you enjoy versus what you do not.

Take care, and I hope things turn out for the best,

~ ArtistBBoy

[dnately]

The answer to your last question is: yes, you need to talk to him. You need to be gentle in this conversation but also honest. You need more sex from him and your relationship will only get worse if you continue to be dissatisfied. Therefore, ignoring the subject is not good for any of you.

Now, you have to realize that you can't make him more confident. This is something that he has to do for himself. You can be supportive. Try to satisfy his sexual needs, but also demand that he satisfy yours. You should say encouraging things about how attractive you find him and about how good he makes you feel. That's really all you can do.

[Stacyzee]

You have every right t tell your boyfriend how you feel about your sex life. This is something that is an issue, that is effecting you. Continue to let him know, you love him and the way he feels inside of you. Let him know that this is very important to you.

He let his ex. girlfriend break him down, and he is staying down.

He should care enough about your feelings to want to make adjustments for you.

If he continues to disregard your feelings, then there really isn't much you can do but rethink

the relationship you two have.

Do you want to continue to be unhappy with someone who won't take your feelings into consideration?

Does he want another relationship to end because he is too selfish to make an effort in the bedroom?

He needs to break this cycle, and listen to the woman he loves.

[katylaura]

you've got to talk to him - say everything you have on here. tell him he is average (the white lie is worth it) and that his ex is a manipulative little bitch who clearly doesn't know what she's missing. tell him that you want to have sex with him, that you find him attractive. be honest and say that you're finding it hard to have to be the one instigate sex all the time. say that you understand that he's nervous, but that he's got no reason to be. explain that you want to be with him but him being so shy about it is pushing you away. he will listen

[krisdaschwab912]

Ask him what he wants to do (re: fantasies) and run with it,

Positive reinforcement and a gym membership can't hurt either.

[CuriousEddie]

What if you told him you wanted to try some things, and tied him to the bed -- you could ride him, slide over him, sit on his face, speed up and slowdown like you wanted, but you would be in control. You might be able to better pace things.

Of course, you'd have to get him naked first.

[6Paul11]

First of all, you sound like a very nice girl. Most girls would have given up on this guy by now. He's lucky to have you.

I think his poor skills in bed are a sign of an overall confidence issue. Dig deeper, but go about it in a very tactful manner.

You should definitely bring this up. If you two can't fix this issue, find a more manly man.

[G_GTom]

He can probably tell you're lying about this stuff, so that makes it even worse. I don't want to be in this position, so I always preflight everything.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he has some low self esteem.

Could he be on antidepressants? They will create erectile difficulties and also create weight gain.

He's obviously down on himself about his weight. Make him get P90X. In 90 days he'll be a different person.

Damn. Life is so unfair. Some guy has the chance for nookie but he doesn't want it. Millions of other guys want it and they seldom get it.