Girl's Sexual Past Concerns me/Make me uncomfortable

[Anonymous]

Hey Gals/Guys, I had a conversation with my girlfriend about out sexual pasts - the reason being that I feel as if how someone treats sex can be a good indication of how they value intimacy/sex as a person and what kind of decisions they make. I am the kind of guy that values sex as one of the most intimate acts you can perform with someone and will typically withold having sex with someone unless I am dating them, know them very well, or have general feelings for them - that's just my opinion and what I value. Anyways, I found out my girlfriend has been with at LEAST 13 people (she mentioned 13 and I know that sometimes girl say less than the truth). She is 23 and has been single for 4 years. So my first thought was - OK, lets not judge maybe there is a reason. Apparently it was the result of her not finding the right guy and the fact that she is a self professed "party girl", although she does not go out nearly as much. A few of the guys were guys she dated and the rest of them were either one time things with friends of friends or brief flings (example, she would meet a guy and thought he was cute/cool, get a little alcohol in her and end up sleeping with him). There was even a guy whom who was her "screw buddy" for about a year and a half - they would be in the same group of friends and did not know much at all about each other/didnt hang out, just went out to the bars in the same group and occassional hooked up when the need came up. Even with the first night I met her, we danced for about an hour or so and I ended up going back to her place a few hours later - we made out (and were both very drunk) but she wanted to go all the way and I refused (since I had just met her a few hours prior). I have been with a total of 8 women, but they were all women I was dating and most of them I choose to withhold sex until at least a few dates in. With her, I feel as though she just treats sex as such a casual thing - and its not because she was going through a bad phase or anything, its just how she is.

[kheserthorpe]

Well there are a few possibilities.

One is that she views sex much more casually then you. Is that a problem? I don't know. You have not mentioned a history of cheating, so I'm not sure if it matters.

A second possibility is that she would have preferred to have your sexual history, but as a girl, its harder. A pretty large number of the girls that would have sex with you will also date you. That is not true for her - most guys who would sleep with her aren't interested in dating. So even though she might have the same desires as you, the opportunities she's had are quite different. Maybe a number of the guys she's slept with she wanted to date. Probably you aren't constantly hit on by good looking girls who want sex but nothing serious.

In any case, you need to decide for yourself. While I personally would be happy, its up to you.

I'll also note that I think a major point is that you should expect her to show _at least_ as much sexual attraction to you as she did to others. In this case she did - she wanted to have sex with you the first night you met. Since by her own 'rules' that is normal, I'm glad that she showed that interest in you.

I'll also note that just because she had casual sex doesn't mean that she wouldn't find intimate, sex fueled with emotional connection with you to be more meaningful. Eating hamburgers doesn't make me enjoy steak less.

[Asker]

Yes, she views sex more casually than I do, that is a fact. She did mention a lot of the guys were guys she wanted to date after having sex with them but it did not work out in the end. I guess the bottom line is that is that I have "bad" for a selfish reason only - to me she is a great, trustworthy and down to earth person. She isn't "messed up" and uses sex to seek validation. She just likes sex and if a cute guy comes along she isn't going to have much qualms about doing it.

[kheserthorpe]

To me those sound like big pluses, and if I were single, I'd want to be with someone like that. But you can't just nod your head, you need to believe it in your heart. I think I may have thought casual sex was 'bad' when I was younger, but many people tend to drift away from that view. Does masturbation make sex less special?

[Asker]

Well its a struggle, primarily an emotional one. I know that she is great, and we have a great relationship - but the bottom is that thinking about your current partner you are emotioanlly involved with screwing another man for fun is just...very..very emotionally disturbing. She is still friends with a lot of the guys it happened with too - so I can't really "escape" it.

[kheserthorpe]

I've dated girls who didn't want sex for fun, but _only_ as an expression of love and frankly that has its drawbacks too. You gotta figure this one out yourself. The right answer is the one that makes you happy.

[ElijahCynicism]

Yes, it's how she is. And it makes you uncomfortable. What are you going to do?

You're going to tell her, first of all, if you take my advice. Talk to her about it, but don't criticise her. But in this situation, that's ephemeral. What are you going to do? Accept her, or leave her? It depends if she's worth it to you.

[Asker]

I think she is a great person - I have not critized her at all for it, only asked her why she views sex that way (I asked her its OK and to be open about it). I know that attacking her past is only going to result in her shutting off. It just feels...uncomfortable to me I guess.

[ElijahCynicism]

That's good. You're handling it very well =] Just let her know it makes you uncomfortable, she might be able to say something that'll quell your discomfort, and if not, it'll all become clear in time.

[Anonymous]

hmmm anythin I say I guess will be offensive. but ever heard the sayin 'you can't turn a ho into a housewife'? I don't know dude some women grow up & stop bein 'party girls' but with society now & shows like jersey shore some women do not & they think that their behavior is okay. but there could still be hope for her... I'm not judgin there could be a number of reasons... some girls do these flings or one night stands & careless behavior because they were molested, raped, insecure, little self-worth. something could of happened to her idk. my advice try to talk her up, let her know she's beautiful, how much you care about her, show her how a 'real' man should treat a woman, show her affection, teach her how to love.

[M_A_X]

I don't know if you can teach a hoe how to love, but you're right about the hoes to housewives remark.

[Izzy_21]

I hope I don't offend anyone, but I'd be a bit concerned too if a guy told he had hooked up with 13 women, because I look at sex similary to you. It really does sound as if you two have different views on this and maybe you should you ask her, talk about it and then you need to decide if you can live with it or not.

I believe can change, but it would a while and since she tried to sleep with you that early too, that indicates that she's not trying to change. That's cool of course, her decision, but you need to decide if you can deal with it

[Asker]

To be honest, I think most people view sex as a very intimate thing. I don't think there is such thing as truly "compartmentalizing" sex from emotions, especially in the long run. I believe that poeple who are very casual about sex, were not originally. Every women I've talked to that has a large number of partners (over 20) have some form of regret, sometimes extreme, at the guilt of it. I just think its a symptom of a possibly bigger issue in someone.

[zombiefood]

Well ask her what her views on sex are. That's a very easy and open ended question that is perfectly reasonable to ask. If her values don't match up with yours talk with her about it. But don't put her down or make her feel like crap because you are no more right/no better than she is, and the second you start giving that impression she'll just shut off and that will be the end of everything.

If you two can't talk it out then maybe it's best if the relationship ends.

[Asker]

We discussed it. She considers herself a very sexual person - I told her that's OK and I won't judge her entire personality based on it and that is actually kind of exciting since she is willing to be more open and adventerous. I also consider myself a sexual person, however I wouldn't have sex with someone just for fun or on the first night since I consider it a very intimate thing. I guess it just feels "weird" imaging her treating sex just as a physical act without any emotions to me.

[zombiefood]

Well that's just the way some people are. And you either just get over it or it eats away at you and you can't take it. Eventually you will just let it go, and if you don't then maybe the relationship isn't right. Just kinda let it go. The more you think about it the more it'll mess with you. You don't think that way so of course it doesn't make sense to you so just stop trying to get it and don't think about it.

[heatherlu]

Some people have different views on sex. For some people is an important thing, for some people it's not. And for some people - sex with unimportant people is unimportant - but sex with someone you care about - well that can mean more to them.

There's no right or wrong way to approach it.

In my eyes, as long as you're both on the same page at the same time - regardless of any feelings from the past, or possibilities for the future - then it's okay.

[Asker]

Yeah, to her she considers sex very fun/ very important and does not nesacarrily consider a relationship nesaccary in order to have sex, however she did say that there sex in a relationship is far more valuable/enjoyable because she feels a connection with the person

[heatherlu]

Yeah so then - what the issue? Sex outside a relationship and sex in a relationship are two very different things. She obviously takes relationships seriously as she gets into them more sparsely - but just doesn't allow to hinder her sex life.

[Asker]

It just make me feel very uncomfortable - that is all. Imaging someone you are with having sex with someone she was dating and feeling a connection/being emotionally intimate - that's OK. Imagine someone you're dating going home with a guy she has not connection with, having emotionless sex, and then leaving right away in the morning without even knowing the guy - that just seems..kinda uncomfortable. I guess I just don't know any girls that are really like that?

[heatherlu]

Well - I've done things like that myself in the past - to me sex isn't much of a massive deal at least when it's just physical - but it's a completely different experience for me - when I'm having it with someone I'm in a relationship with. To me, and probably your girlfriend, they're not really comparable experiences.

[SkinnyG]

How long have you been going out?

[yopyopyop]

Well she could be ending her party time, or just seeing things in a more laid back way than you do.

I think sex is pretty natural, actually, so I wouldn't blame her, unless she tells you she's serious about you, and just does it to have another fling.

Maybe she thought about her life and decided to become serious. But that's something you'll only see when staying with her for a while.

[dx021]

Honestly, I found women are good at putting up a front, but their sexual pasts and how they value intimacy and sex is the best indicator for how they're put together emotionally.

I wouldn't really commit to a girl like that, I feel like sex would just be cheapened with her.

[Asker]

yeah I know. It has been proven that when people perform acts that because them guilt/emotional pain - they justify it to make them feel better. And then, its easier do it again. Girl: Oh crap, I just had my first one night stand, I feel so guilty and like I took something so intimate as sex and did it with someone I don't even like Girl: Well, maybe that's just because people tell me its intimate. Maybe I've been repressed. Maybe this is OK. girl: Yup, being sexual is OK. I don't feel as guilty

[dx021]

well keep in mind women are good at self-rationalization, much more than men. I've banged plenty of church going girls who fronted as good girls and.. despite havin 20+ partners, in their minds WERE good girls. a girls actions, not her self perceptions or words, are how you judge who she really is.

[MikeK]

BINGO!

[G_GTom]

My stance has always been, if you're not comfortable with a woman for ANY reason, don't date them. Why would you put yourself through that?

[Asker]

Easy: because other than that ONE thing, we have a "perfect" relationship so far. If I think she is is worth it I will have to somehow either deal with that or overcome it

[Moloch]

You have every right to be uncomfortable. Personally, that's way over my limit.

[MikeK]

That's what I thought too!

[Anonymous]

Eight and 13. Not much of a difference to me. Who can cast the first stone?

[Anonymous]

basically you need to ask yourself if you can ever respect her given that her ideals about sex are very different from yours because in the end it'll come down to respect and trust. if you don't think you can get past it (and I"m not judging you because that would be a lot for me to get past as well) then don't waste your time or hers and let it go any further. it doesn't matter if it seems unfair to other people YOU are the one who has to live with this and if you can't just move on.

[Asker]

I'd say its a struggle. She is a great, solid person to me. She isn't "messed up" in any means. however, I am just not sure I am going to be able to handle thinking about all the guys she has had intimate relations with that were not her boyfriends or guys she dated. I mean , its sorta awkward, I've probably met 4-5 guys of hers that she has had "flings" with. I feel like they are everywhere.

[Opinion Owner]

well you've been sexually conservative and she hasn't so of course it's going to be odd for you to knowing about all these casual sexual experiences she's had when yours were not casual at all... are your views on other things the same or do they differ as well? like other things you believe or morals you have?

[Asker]

We are have pretty similar viewpoints on other things that matter, which I guess is important. I guess I just cannot stomach that someone is very casual about sex and OK with it. I mean, I understand that it is not exactly the 1950's and things have changed, but I think a majority of people do value sex as a very intimate thing. I view that perhaps she did feel guilty originally, but justified it.

[Anonymous]

This is why girls can never win

[dx021]

Both genders have different burdens to carry. I have to be dominant, confident, powerful and wealthy. All girls have to do is try and get me to commit while they're young and before they spread their legs too much. Not that hard

[MikeK]

WRONGO - This is why men can never win

[Anonymous]

And what's your question?