Why do sexually molested daughters keep relationships with their fathers?

Question

My ex girlfriend was sexually molested by her father, and my female neighbour was also sexually molested by her father.  Both of these females still have relationships(platonic) with their fathers now that they are adults, and they act as if nothing ever happened, they act completely normal, if you didn't know their fathers had sexually abused them, you'd have absolutely no idea.  Why do adult women seek and participate in relationships with fathers that sexually molested them as children?  I would prefer to hear from people who have first hand accounts.  But I thank everyone for their responses.

daisymay · Accepted Answer

This is complicated. Really, it is sick and unhealthy. I was molested by my step father as a young girl and didn't tell anyone until I was 19 years old. I never told anyone at fear of being unloved or being the one who was assumed at fault. As a little girls I guess I couldn't emotionally process the fact that it wasn't my fault. I always knew it was wrong and that I hated it. I felt alone and scared.

When I finally told everyone I was 19 years old and was getting ready to deploy. I didn't want to deal with trying to send him to prison or anything. I didn't want to hurt my family anymore. Everything was so upset when they found out. Not at me, but it was still hard. I felt naked after telling my family what had happened. Its a weird feeling.

Well, now I am 26 years old. And I do see him sometimes. I guess I act like nothing happened to keep the peace. I don't have a relationship with the man, but if he's around I am polite. Why? I don't know. I think it's a coping thing. Our mind are a little f***ed up. We aren't broken, but man it's so hard to deal with that it's so much easier to pretend it didn't happen. We already lost so much, or innocence, or childhood, our father and daughter relationship that we really deserved. The idea of f***ing things up more by rocking the boat just make the fact that what happened to us feel so much more real. We try to pretend it didn't happen. The fact that we aren't normal or were hurt or abused is too much. We just have want it to go away.

Ignoring it isn't the answer. I know. Recently I have decided to not have anything to do with him. I am hurt by my family. Just recently I have begun to process the reality of how sick things are. I just ignored everything before. Now I feel hurt, not just by him, but by my family who seems to ignore what happened to me too.

I didn't start feeling this hurt or this willing to stop the politeness until about a month ago. My husband always had an issue with things. But let me take my time, and always reminded me that what happened to me is wrong, and its wrong for my family to ignore it too. I didn't change much of how I acted, but now I am, it feels good, but a lot of feelings and emotions that haven't been dealt with for years are coming up.

I finally am realizing why I let it slip for so long. I had a dream the other night. My step father had a gun and was pointing it at me, then he shot me in the neck. My sister and mother where there. I asked them why they weren't stopping him. They said, "Don't you realize that you're making him do this to you." Then I woke up.

I never realized how much it hurt me until my subconscious told me. I know that these feelings are not valid, and I am ready to deal with them. Give her time. Remind her that it's not healthy or okay what he did to her. Be loving and kind.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Hi there. I was molested by my dad when i was 12 or 13. There are ones that was lowkey inappropriate. I'm still dealing with it now. It was a long story even though it happened kind of once. It made me insecure about the clothes i was wearing and so on.
Okay. I didn't report my dad or anything. I only realized that it was abuse after a few years. The reason why i am keeping it "stable" is that, i'm scared, afraid that i'll tear my family apart, there will be a fuss over what happened to me. If i went to court with my story, it will terrify me. Him, knowing what he did to me.
After the incident, i was still acting childish until this moment. My chore became massaging him but i barely do it now. My family knows it, not relatives. I try to pretend to sleep just to get away from him. If he saw me that i was using my phone and is gonna ask me to massage him, he'll touch my limbs, try to persuade me.
One time, i was massaging his abdomen and my arm/elbow moved on his p and i removed the blanket to see.. He had an erection. I massaged him a few more seconds and ran away from him. So, probably the next day.. I told my mom and yeah, she was like haha and just tell your father that you don't want to do it anymore. I was hella scared that i didn't massage him for days. I didn't want to hold on to that fear so i came back on doing my "responsibility"
So, this year i was able to tell a few adults about what happened like my two sister and online friends. I swear i felt so trapped because i was given suggestions i thought as my "only options" and i even get an occasional (me dead) thoughts everytime he pressures me to do something. My friends told me to leave soon and cut contacts which i found really terrifying because i've been dependent on my parents. One of my friends told me that i was weakening my position if i ask my father to respect my decisions. That i should "state" it instead. I haven't done that yet though.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I was molested by my father when I was 9 and I still have a normal platonic relationship with him now. It was a once off incident which I repressed until I was about 12. After that I got difficult and punished my parents and family by being moody and generally withdrawing form the family. I never told anyone until I got to Uni, where I am in counselling and have never told anyone who abused me. I first kept quiet because I was scared and confused and in fact convinced myself it hadn't happened, but it kept resurfacing.I blamed myself, then my parents and then just buried it. I was basically just trying to survive living under the same roof. It was a once off incident, which caused a lot of confusion for me, and all through this after my year or two of anger I still loved my family, even my father. I couldn't bare to be the one to bring it all down. Also I didn't want that, I wanted, needed my family around me, to keep myself together. But after a few years in Uni now, with the freedom and independence to deal with the depression and everything else, I am contemplating what to do next, even if its only to tell my counsellor. It's a tough, horrible decision to make, one that no one should ever have to do. I find myself unable to reconcile the man who raised me and loved me and has been there for me as I failed exams, lost family members and helped me through the worst times of my life as the person who caused me the biggest hurt in my life. He taught me to ride a bike, was there for my school shows and yes of course I love him, but at the same time it makes my heart break over and over again, because he stole my innocence and propelled me into a dangerous and scary world that I had to deal with at way too young an age. So why do we keep relationships with our fathers? I honestly don't know, I'm still trying to figure that one out myself and whether or not its the right decision for me.

baliguy11 · Accepted Answer

weird but I had a Girlfriend whose father had sex with her since she was like 12. I met her in college and did not come up in early conversation.  I did not find out until after I had sex with her.(it was awesome)  I said that was great.  better message me for the rest.  I still care about the girl but not going to post it here.

ElijahCynicism · Accepted Answer

From the point of being molested, as a child, to the time when you actually have free will, or the freedom to manifest that free will, you have to tolerate this man every day of your life.There's no way you can hold onto that strength and clarity for the next ten years. If they haven't forgiven him, they submit to him.

Mossberg500 · Answer

Girls need their daddy's.

serena2274 · Answer

I CAN TELL YOU WHY ,,,, AND I KNOW BECAUSE I WAS ONE ,,,, WE PACK IT AWAY IN THE DARKEST PART OF OUR BRAIN ,,, WE SHUT IT OFF ,,, LIKE IT WAS ANOTHER PERSON IT HAPPEN TO,,,,, BUT EACH TIME YOU GO FOR A VISIT YOU HAVE TOO LOOK AT HIM ,,,, AND JUST DO YOUR BEST TO KEEP PRETENDING NOTHING BAD EVER HAPPEN ,, BECAUSE FOR ME ANY WAY EVEN AT 40 I STILL THOUGHT I WOULD BE CREATING CHAOS IN THE FAMILY ,,,, WHAT A JOKE ,,,,,,,

Anonymous · Answer

Hey I was molested by my father and grandfather... my grandfather molested me when I was in 2nd-3rd grade and I showed all the signs of having been molested but no one noticed and I was too scared to tell anyone with fear of everyone getting mad at me. I was little so yes I thought it was my fault. I didn't like being alone with him. As I got older I wished nothing but bad stuff for him (even death) because of my trust issues with my relationships. Later on in 7th grade my own father molested me. I was so heart broken. Why me? What did I do? I felt ashamed and worthless and to this day I still feel that way sometimes. Luckily, my mom found out because I was to scared to say anything. My parents later divorced and yes I still visit my father because he's my father and the only father I have. I said that I forgive him but honestly deep down I hate him. I can't bring myself to tell him that because he's my father. I don't know what is wrong with me. To this day no one in my family knows about my grandfather who recently passed away in December. When I found out it was obvious I didn't care and couldn't pretend to care and cry like the rest of my family did. Sad isn't it? No point in saying anything now. Well as far as my father, only my mom and brother know. Tears falling from my eyes as I type this. I'm so pathetic. I got molested twice and didn't do anything. My father and I don't have the perfect father-daughter relationship but we at least talk and keep in touch. It's hard to look him in the eyes at times but I have to be strong. I fear for him being alone honestly but than again I feel he deserves it. I know... sick way of thinking of it that way? I honestly don't even feel like I answered your question but I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for reading.

Anonymous · Answer

I would never keep a relationship with my father if he molested me so that makes no sense to me. I was molested by my cousin when I was 8 or 9. He was 15 or so. We are very close now as adults and I forgave him cause he apologized to me and plus he was only 15. When adults do this, there is no excuse for it and it makes me sick to my stomach to see them be forgiven by their daughters. I think that they forgive them because they need to or else it eats them up inside to have hatred against their father's. They may even feel guilty which is very common. These kids are scarred and don't think the way we do. They are not as strong due to all the abuse and may feel like there is something wrong with them. Sometime's its easier to forgive and forget and go through life as if nothing happened.

Anonymous · Answer

Well I don't know. But I cut all contact and got a restraining order and he killed himself if that's any insight. It's easier to just get over/forgive and forget than it is to do something about it. Although I do not regret my decision and I now have a hefty inheritance.

Anonymous · Answer

My uncle molested me when I was 8, not my dad, but I keep a platonic relationship with him because he's apologized profusely for it and went to rehab, so I've forgiven him, but I still keep my distance and we don't hug or anything. I think some girls do that because they've forgiven and forgotten, or just because they're tired of having a strained relationship with their father.

Why do sexually molested daughters keep relationships with their fathers?

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