Why does my boyfriend look at porn when he knows it hurts me?

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we have this on going fight every time I find porn. I had a bad childhood experience and found my dad's stash when I was about 6 years old and ever since then I've always viewed it as disgusting and hurtful because my mom and dad used to fight about it a lot as well...I don't want to be like them.

I've tried to except it and be one of those "cool" girlfriends that doesn't care but those girls in the porn are so much prettier than me and I can't stand to think my boyfriend would rather look at them than me. Just thinking about it is bringing me to tears and over the past 4 years I've expressed to him how bad it makes me feel about myself and he says he would stop but it never happens...it just seems he doesn't care if I get hurt as long as he gets off. He tells me I don't give it to him enough but I can't feel sexual and willing if I don't feel good about myself but I still try.

I'm really not a prude or anything I'm actually very adventurous in bed and love to try new stuff...when I'm in "the mood" which he doesn't seem to put effort into getting me into the mood. I know guys have more urges than us girls do but I just wish he would come to me to take care of that stuff instead of looking at strange girls. I really just wish I could be pretty and perfect like those girls he stares at all the time but I can't compete with them. I want to know what I can do to make him less interested in those girls in the porn and turn his focus to me like he used to. I know everyone says just have sex with him more often but it's not that easy when I don't feel good about myself or my body and he doesn't try to make me feel special anymore. I just don't know what to do...I know he loves me but I don't feel it when he does stuff like this.

Updates:
Maybe I should make myself clear Yeah he comes home to me, most girls would say that's all that matters but it's not fair that I'm still laying in bed while he locks himself in the bathroom for 2 hours or more to look at porn when I'm available for him!
How often do we have sex? ugh when we first moved in we did it like 4 times a day but we were 17 then now we work full time and I feel like I'm not living up to how I used to be but neither is he now we both work full time and maybe 1-2 times a week now
1-2 a week is like drought levels for us...we have been so tired and he works hard but isn't more effort to jack off alone for who knows how long instead of laying down, getting me in the mood then lay back and let me take over.?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I laugh at some of disagrees on here. Obviously, watching porn is a choice. It can definitely be as addictive as gambling or drinking. So the argument is always, "Is porn acceptable". As a personal choice, yes it is. No law prohibits someone from viewing it. So it isn't "wrong". However the neat thing about this is that you also have a choice. If your boyfriend wants to establish or keep his relationship with you, then you also have the choice of being with someone who chooses to watch porn. You do not have to put up with it, nor do you have to conform and say "Well everyone does it anyhow". Not so, I don't choose to do drugs. And that's my personal choice. If someone doesn't like that aspect about me or my significant other, then that's tough luck. The same thing can be applied with porn. If your boyfriend cannot understand that you want a relationship where porn is out the door, then he is not even close to being a worthy suitor. When it comes to who we date, you are perfectly liable to set boundaries, no matter what anyone says. It's your life and not theirs.

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    • I really like this answer.

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    • Do not call me an idiot ever again. Do you understand me? Your the confused one here, I never said there was a comparison between procreating and drugs. Watching porn is no different than an addiction. It is by DEFINITION, an addiction as well. Furthermore personal choice can be anything. People date based on similar backgrounds and their enthinicities. That is CHOICE. The same thing with being with a person who is alcoholic or addicted to anything else. Now grow up, and learn to be more mature.

    • A person can become addicted to p*rn and masturbation. When one orgasms the brain releases Dopamine, the "pleasure" drug. This is also the same chemical which is released when one smokes weed and various other drugs. The brain is wired so that we seek more of this chemical so saying that masturbation and p*rn is addicting and not related to drugs is really ignorant.

What Guys Said 36

  • Get with your boyfriend and find some middle ground in which you both can live. You're not accepting the porn, he's not abandoning it. So, rather than blowing up the relationship (drastic), or trying to make each other change (stupid), make a deal. You pretend the porn doesn't exist, he makes you believe that you're hotter than any woman he knows or imagines. Every sound relationship must spend some time in the Land of Make-Believe.

    Four years is too long to be arguing this. Ask yourself seriously: do you really want to blow up your relationship over this? If not, let the argument die, and bury it.

    P.S.: It's serious mistake to make our partners account for our childhood anxieties. It's what shrinks are for, to keep us from infecting our important relationships with them.

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    • I'm sorry, but that just doesn't sound right to me, it sounds as though you're suggesting they sweep the issue under the rug by mutually agreeing to lie to each other. "If I'm pretending you're not watching other women have sex in place of having sex with me, then you're totally telling me the truth about how pretty I am." I'm not trying to say this idea is stupid at all, it might work for some people, but for people like me, who just can't really look the other way and pretend that I'm okay with something that deeply hurts me, this wouldn't work. My fiance and I have the same issue, but slowly we're working on it. He's agreed to keep cutting back on p*rn gradually, and I have agreed to do my best to have sex more often, which also means he has agreed to help get me in the mood. I feel like instead of just denying the problem, she should have a long sit down with him, and they should discuss what would work best for their situation.

  • This is not what you want to hear, I know. But you're not going to stop him from watching porn. Guys are wired to want to spread their seed as much as possible, thus why guys are stereotypically always interested in sex and horny all the time, etc.

    Looking at porn does NOT mean he doesn't care about you, or care about your feelings. It doesn't mean hewould rather look at porn stars than you, it doesn't mean you're not pretty enough, or aything like that. The fact that you're pushing him away even further because of it is only going to make him resort to it even more.

    The only way to really make him not look at porn so much would be to accept the porn and have sex with him more often. As far as bedroom issues go, if he's not doing it for you in the bedroom anymore either, then that's another matter and something you should talk about with him.

    Maybe try watching it with him some time and go down on him or something. Then you can see that it's not that he prefers these women over you, they're just a fill in for the sex he desires but is not getting.

    If you want further advice on this topic, see my other answers, I've responded to several of these types of questions on porn, but in summation: let go of your insecurities. Insecurity and jealousy over something like porn is a real turn off for guys.

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    • "He tells me I don't give it to him enough but I can't feel sexual and willing if I don't feel good about myself but I still try."

      I understand yeah guys are hardwired to spread the seed, but look at what he's said to her? That's not a guy who gives a S*** about how she feels about porn. Yeah he's gonna look at porn, and it upsets her, so in turn he lowers her self esteem?

      I think she needs to add an update, how often do you two have sex?

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    • Yes yes, your argument is a good one, I'll give it that, but what's she's saying is more than just "why do guys watch porn", the subtext to her complaint it that she is unhappy with the fact that she does attempt to "satisfy" him, and instead he plays with himself instead of watching her.

      The way he went about "saying he needs more" was by being an asshole.

      There, your argument has just been reduced to the absurd, making it invalid. -rolls eyes-

    • I'm not interested in arguing about porn anyways. People who hate it and people who accept it probably aren't going to change their opinions. And it didn't sound like he was being a dick about it in the question, but yeah, her elaborations in other comments made that clear. She should include that in an update or something.

  • What a wide variety of replies to this topic, and most seem aimed at hostility from one side or the other. From the girls perspective the first reply from 38rakia38 was pretty spot on. Many humans of both genders get off watching erotica, lots of times together but clearly it's primarily males that enjoy porn. So? The real issue here might not be the porn so much as the Boyfriend acting like an F***tard and rubbing her nose in it. If the girl is available and willing (without the 'in the mood' BS) then there is little reason for him to watch porn so openly in front of her and in hostile defiance of her. Watching porn = mildly acceptable for most humans but treating your girl like spoiled leftovers is just uncool. Give her the attention and affection she requests and IF you want something else then be discrete and don't make an issue of it. For her own sake a thicker skin and some counseling appears to be in order. But he's still acting like a F***tard if he's whanking it for 2 hours behind a bathroom door. Most guys would far prefer to enjoy a live warm smiling affectionate girl instead of something on a screen but everyone's different. If your Boyfriend can't understand this or chooses porn over real sex then his head isn't scerwed on straight. How dissimilar would it be if she spent every wwaking moment reading 'romance' novels full of smutty passages? Not very.

    All relationships require tolerance of your mates peculiarities and equal parts love and understanding. From the story above there doesn't appear to be much tolerance on either side and that's not OK. The question might be "IF you were getting all of the sex you wanted AND he only checked out porn in your absence then would this remain a sore topic? Likely not. So it might not be the porn as much as the hostile situation from a callous pr*ck Boyfriend who routinely ignores his girl?

    And those who claim that all porn is bad are likely repressed in other ways. Sex should be good for both genders and any erotica that promotes great sex should be applauded. By both sides. My wife bought me a subscription to Playboy nearly 20 years ago and I show decent respect by not reading it in front of the kids and by being there for her "LIVE" whenever she chooses. Whenever. Wherever. So it has never gotten in the way. And she's also watched porn and usually laughs at how bad the acting is or how skanky the women are. And they are skanky if you look close enough so there's nothing to feel threatened by.

    Different strokes for different folks but still I'm there when she wants the goods so she's never felt threatened by any of it. Good luck and I hope it's gotten better since you posted this question.

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  • Your demand is unreasonable. Your boyfriend is a person also and as such entitled a private side of his life. Perhaps you could get some psychological counseling to help you deal with your problem. You seem to have an issue from childhood, a lot of insecurity, and a need to be controlling. Any of those problems left untreated can destroy a relationship.

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    • I'm so sorry that you think sharing an intimate relationship and being sexual with someone you love is so unreasonable. I'll admit that everyone is entitled to privacy but you have to understand that I don't hide stuff behind his back like he does to me. There's something to be said about honesty in a relationship. I even bought him some porn the last time we argued about this but he still insist in spending money to only later hide in under our washer...that's not privacy that's dishonesty!!!

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    • Umm your how old are you? shouldn't you be playing shuffle board or bridge or something?? and again he is the man of my house and I've always believed it's the mans job to make his woman feel special, protected and loved (i'm sure your wife has no idea how that feels since she has a big p**** for a husband) he does a good job being my man other than this one area that happens to be hindering our sex life. He's the one that has to control his problem I'm just making it known that it hurts me.

    • And what about anything I said is controlling or manipulative. A relationship is about working together to find common ground and that's impossible to achieve if you don't make your wants and needs known. I WANT him to stop looking at porn so he can spend time with me in bed I NEED him to be more available and to make me feel wanted as much as I want him. I can't stop him from doing anything all I'm doing is trying to find ways to make him WANT to be with me instead. Now y are you so angry?

  • Personally, I never ever had the desire to watch porn when I had a GF. Hell, if I had a Girlfriend who was adventurous in bed and wanted to try things and wanted to actually have sex at least weekly, I'd NEVER look at porn... Why on earth would I?

    If your Boyfriend is still looking at porn even though you don't like it, I think you need to press the issue hard with him. Its a realtionship issue, if he doesn't respect the fact that you don't like it, and he still does it, there is a problem.

    I'd be in hog heaven if I could find a girl who wanted it that often. I'd NEVER ever look at porn for two hours in the bathroom when my Girlfriend is right there and willing and ready to go. WTF? That just boggles my mind!

    My X-GF wanted to have sex less and less as time went on, and I still wanted it every time I was with her. It got to the point where she would tell me to look at porn and masturbate because she didn't want it... That sucked... thank god I ended that. It's a hard life trying to make it with someone that has a different sex-drive. But the fact of the matter is that I never looked at porn at all unless I HAD to get some and she wasn't givin it up..

    I don't know what to tell you, but I'd say just press the issue, and if he keeps on doing it, get out of that because if he will defy you so easily to look at porn, when you are there for him, he may end up being unfaithful or something like that...

    Good luck!

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    • Aww you are a rarity and a sweetheart!

    • He's actually NOT a rarity. I know a lot of guys like this and have dated some. Why watch sex on a computer screen, when you can actually HAVE the fun?!

    • Lol thanks JeanetteG... I can assure you I AM a rarity! :)

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What Girls Said 21

  • Girls in porn are paid to have sex, and frankly, being a chick myself, I don't really find most of the porn actresses any more attractive than anyone else.

    Sounds like you have an issue with what your parents went through, porn is simply just erotica in it's own way, like a romance novel or playgirl.

    The fact that you said, "He tells me I don't give it to him enough but I can't feel sexual and willing if I don't feel good about myself but I still try." leads me to believe your boyfriend is, no offense, a F***tard. If he likes feeling his hand on his dick more than he likes feeling his dick inside of you (the girl who is and always will be more attractive than a plastic barbie doll paid to get laid ^_^), then f** him. That's NOT helpful to your self-esteem.

    My boyfriend looks at porno while we do it sometimes, and I don't mind it because I know when he does look at porn he's using it for what it is intended, as anticipation for me, his partner. I watch porn when I'm horny, but nothing beats the meat, I use it simply to get off, knowing that my own sex life is not fictional or faked as it is in most professionally done porno.

    He may love you, but if he's not willing to see how tormented you are when he does this, then he certainly has a very F***ed up way of showing it. And then to tell you that you don't give it to him enough is ludicrous. Maybe instead of whackin the mole to some chick on the tv, he should try oh...idk...getting his lazy butt off the couch and spending more time with you?

    I'm not trying to be rude, I'm simply trying to point out that porno is okay, when used properly, and that your boyfriend is an a**hole.

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    • He is addicted to porn. He is comparing you with those girls which is totally unfair.

      Try your best to stop his addiction. Trust me, it is possible.

      Even I was a porn addict.

  • "my guy needs to get his shit straight too and needs to come to terms with the fact that the girl he said he loves is hurting because of something he's able to control"...

    Great point! Why don't you try counselling from a local church or something? They are often free.

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  • First of all, you were deeply affected by your dad's porn stash and that event is affecting your relationship. I think you need to speak to a professional about your childhood experience, so you may get some insight about why it bothered you so much. DO NOT FEEL LIKE ANY OF YOUR EMOTIONS ARE YOUR FAULT. You were very young and that's a lot for an innocent 6-year-old.

    Your boyfriend should be more understanding. If he knows it bothers you so intensely, and is aware that there is childhood trauma behind your behaviour, he should try to help you.

    Lastly, everyone likes porn. Women and men. Some porn is violent and very wrong, but all people are aroused by watching other people have sex. Once in a while, a boyfriend OR GIRLFRIEND will view porn, everyone needs a change ONCE IN A WHILE.

    However, doing it a lot around someone who has a deep-rooted issue with it, is just inconsiderate.

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    • Also, don't feel bad about feeling jealous of the girls in the porn videos. Jealousy is normal. However, you have no reason to be jealous. Seriously, no respectable guy would actually date a pron star.

  • he's an ass.

    especially if he knows it hurts you.

    i would probably slap the guy if he were my bf.

    definitely just warn him once more and if you can't take it anymore. just forget it. or at least tell him to jack off to porn when you're not around

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  • Ok this is how it is, no matter what guys stare at girls even if they got gfs. Maybe they can control it sometimes not to look at them in a dirty way but most of the time they can't because of the sexy view they see. But him watching pornos and masturbating him self is wrong, when he got a gf. No matter what you look like he should do these kinder flings with the girl he really loves not some fake girls out there. Now if you already spoke to him about it.. and he said he will change and he still didn't change then definitely he doesn't hav a respect towards you because his not listning to something that makes you upset. My opinion is explain this to him clearly how his not listening to you and giving you respect and if he still doesn't change well too bad, don't deal with something that upsets you over and over again. This is just a circle that's happening over and over again. You don't need a person like that in your life You absolutely deserve to be happy, not just put your hopes up and think he will change because if his not willing to respect, make you happy and change himself then as I said TOO bad. Don't be scared be strong if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, there are so much guys out there, innocent its hard to find but hello nothing is easyy

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