Why does my boyfriend look at porn when he knows it hurts me?

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we have this on going fight every time I find porn. I had a bad childhood experience and found my dad's stash when I was about 6 years old and ever since then I've always viewed it as disgusting and hurtful because my mom and dad used to fight about it a lot as well...I don't want to be like them.


I've tried to except it and be one of those "cool" girlfriends that doesn't care but those girls in the porn are so much prettier than me and I can't stand to think my boyfriend would rather look at them than me. Just thinking about it is bringing me to tears and over the past 4 years I've expressed to him how bad it makes me feel about myself and he says he would stop but it never happens...it just seems he doesn't care if I get hurt as long as he gets off. He tells me I don't give it to him enough but I can't feel sexual and willing if I don't feel good about myself but I still try.


I'm really not a prude or anything I'm actually very adventurous in bed and love to try new stuff...when I'm in "the mood" which he doesn't seem to put effort into getting me into the mood. I know guys have more urges than us girls do but I just wish he would come to me to take care of that stuff instead of looking at strange girls. I really just wish I could be pretty and perfect like those girls he stares at all the time but I can't compete with them. I want to know what I can do to make him less interested in those girls in the porn and turn his focus to me like he used to. I know everyone says just have sex with him more often but it's not that easy when I don't feel good about myself or my body and he doesn't try to make me feel special anymore. I just don't know what to do...I know he loves me but I don't feel it when he does stuff like this.

Updates:
Maybe I should make myself clear Yeah he comes home to me, most girls would say that's all that matters but it's not fair that I'm still laying in bed while he locks himself in the bathroom for 2 hours or more to look at porn when I'm available for him!
How often do we have sex? ugh when we first moved in we did it like 4 times a day but we were 17 then now we work full time and I feel like I'm not living up to how I used to be but neither is he now we both work full time and maybe 1-2 times a week now
1-2 a week is like drought levels for us...we have been so tired and he works hard but isn't more effort to jack off alone for who knows how long instead of laying down, getting me in the mood then lay back and let me take over.?
 

What's Your Opinion?

0/2000

What Girls Said 20

What Guys Said 36

  • Why does it hurt you. We don't all look at p*rn because we want to have an emotional affair with a p*rn star. I watch gay p*rn just because I love watching men receive pleasure & like to imagine myself giving my love pleasure like that. It is a great way to learn how to please men & it really turns you on. Plus, even if your guy get's turned on by looking at p*rn ladies, isn't it better for him to watch p*rn than actually go out & cheat? Men don't have as much self control as women, so they need to find healthy ways to relieve themselves. I would never have an issue with a guy watching p*rn because at least he's not actually doing what he's watching with other girls, biggest fear a woman has by the way. Try wathing it with him, you might light it.

  • he could be addicted

  • you need to talk to him about it and tell him if it doesn't stop that the projections online is all he is going to have in the end, and if he doesn't stop leave him, cause you don't need that crap, if he isn't around, you will find someone better hun. good luck!

  • Ok this is how it is, no matter what guys stare at girls even if they got gfs. Maybe they can control it sometimes not to look at them in a dirty way but most of the time they can't because of the sexy view they see. But him watching pornos and masturbating him self is wrong, when he got a gf. No matter what you look like he should do these kinder flings with the girl he really loves not some fake girls out there. Now if you already spoke to him about it.. and he said he will change and he still didn't change then definitely he doesn't hav a respect towards you because his not listning to something that makes you upset. My opinion is explain this to him clearly how his not listening to you and giving you respect and if he still doesn't change well too bad, don't deal with something that upsets you over and over again. This is just a circle that's happening over and over again. You don't need a person like that in your life You absolutely deserve to be happy, not just put your hopes up and think he will change because if his not willing to respect, make you happy and change himself then as I said TOO bad. Don't be scared be strong if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, there are so much guys out there, innocent its hard to find but hello nothing is easyy

  • I know people will hate this response, but I'm going for it anyways. Guys are stupid sometimes, and they do stupid things without thinking about how it will make you feel. he's not doing it because he doesn't love you, and he's not doing it because those girls are prettier then you. he's just plain and simply a guy, and guys love to look at porn. I know plenty of girls who are much better looking than girls in porn, and their guys still look at it. And you do not want to be like those girls! they are nasty slutty bimbos who aren't smart enought to get real jobs! I have asked many of my guy friends this question, and they all tell me when they look at porn it has nothing to do with how they feel about their girlfriend. And I think its dumb when people say "at least he comes home to you". You don't have to settle like that. Girls who stay with guys who don't come home are just stupid. if it makes you that uncomfortable and sad he should respect you and try to change. He can live without porn, he's not going to die. But also know its not going to happen over night. Its going to take a lot of effort on both parts. Also, have you tried looking at it with him? Maybe if you did that he wouldn't have to hide it and feel bad, and you wouldn't have to catch him and feel sad.

  • why don't you try to look at it by yourself one day I am a female and I like to watch porn my best friend is a female and she is addicted to it

  • Personally I don't thing watching porn is bad. Very Freakish porn is bad. But I watch it in my home whenever I want, and let my boyfriend watch it anytime he wants. It gives us new ideas to get the desire going

  • hes a dick

  • i watch porn with him... when its tiring and getting himself up is a little harder,its mind booster but it helps me do me good...i don't get insecure,instead I work out and stay fit,buy lingerie they wear,for some plays...


    when he starts jacking off even if ur there available? do the same and you have to be strong and stick to that...buy toys that are bigger than his hehee this would be like my friends story..it should make him feel insecure like you do and it'll teach him a lesson...the key is to make him feel that you love ur toy better than his..like what he makes you feel about porn ladies..this should pull him to the ground..


    and plus its fun..

  • Hun my boyfriend does the same thing... Don't let it bother you.. it's not cheating because he's not having sex with another girl... Yes it hurts but don't let it get to you because there are bigger problems to worry about.



    As long as your sex life doesn't give up completely then as long as you two still have sex things are always going to be busy in life... just try to make time. plan out a schedule or something. or surprise him with something sexi.

    • You ladies are in unblissful denial of the reality you know exists. If you don't have higher expectations...well, rarely do we get higher quality than we demand.

    • I like that answer that's what I do with my boyfriend

  • he's an ass.

    especially if he knows it hurts you.

    i would probably slap the guy if he were my bf.


    definitely just warn him once more and if you can't take it anymore. just forget it. or at least tell him to jack off to porn when you're not around

  • for some men, the only way they can achieve full sexual satisfaction is by severely hurting their mate. your boyfriend is one of these men. if the porn is really a problem, try to give him other outlets for this totally normal tendency of his. it could be good to start with some light smacking of your face and roughhousing. But this is not enough. for most men it will need to progress to full anal blasting. You will eventually need to see a doctor. This will not stop him. it is really a question of whether you truly love him. if you do, you will give him what he needs to be satisfied.

  • lmao sometimes porn is addictive. once you watch you can't stop no matter how hard you try!

  • dump his sorry ass if he has no problem hurting you than he is a stupid bastard and not even worth your time.

    • Wow, apparently some of you ladies are just as mean as the guys. So instead of trying to make a situation turn out for the best and offering suggestions to make her life happier you suggest something that would make her feel more pain and hurt. Amazing.

  • "my guy needs to get his shit straight too and needs to come to terms with the fact that the girl he said he loves is hurting because of something he's able to control"...



    Great point! Why don't you try counselling from a local church or something? They are often free.

  • First of all, you were deeply affected by your dad's porn stash and that event is affecting your relationship. I think you need to speak to a professional about your childhood experience, so you may get some insight about why it bothered you so much. DO NOT FEEL LIKE ANY OF YOUR EMOTIONS ARE YOUR FAULT. You were very young and that's a lot for an innocent 6-year-old.


    Your boyfriend should be more understanding. If he knows it bothers you so intensely, and is aware that there is childhood trauma behind your behaviour, he should try to help you.


    Lastly, everyone likes porn. Women and men. Some porn is violent and very wrong, but all people are aroused by watching other people have sex. Once in a while, a boyfriend OR GIRLFRIEND will view porn, everyone needs a change ONCE IN A WHILE.


    However, doing it a lot around someone who has a deep-rooted issue with it, is just inconsiderate.

    • Also, don't feel bad about feeling jealous of the girls in the porn videos. Jealousy is normal. However, you have no reason to be jealous. Seriously, no respectable guy would actually date a pron star.

  • Honey I think you might need some counseling. If you hate the fact that he watches porn so much then you need to dump him. You need to really think a bout it and decide if you really hate him watching porn so much that you would end your relationship, or if you can try to forget a bout it and go on with your relationship. If he were my boyfriend I would have already dumped his shitty ass. But hay maybe you really love him. Watching porn is just like smoking, some can stop but allot of people cant. If he isn't willing to change you might want to dump him. And your self esteem really needs some help. I bet you really are pretty. Besides if it helps, most of those chicks in porn are plastic. They've gotten a bunch of surgery's done. Do you really think some girls could have boobs that big? At least your 100% natural.

  • honey, I think you need some counseling.

  • Wow, girl I'm sure you are so beautiful and don't ever be jealous of those girls, it's all plastic surgery and masks that make them so called "beautiful" It seems that you and your boyfriend are getting alittle tired of eachother, maybe take some time off? If not that just sit him down one day and tell him how you honestly feel. Tell him that it makes you feel less important than his addiction he has.

  • Girls in porn are paid to have sex, and frankly, being a chick myself, I don't really find most of the porn actresses any more attractive than anyone else.


    Sounds like you have an issue with what your parents went through, porn is simply just erotica in it's own way, like a romance novel or playgirl.


    The fact that you said, "He tells me I don't give it to him enough but I can't feel sexual and willing if I don't feel good about myself but I still try." leads me to believe your boyfriend is, no offense, a F***tard. If he likes feeling his hand on his dick more than he likes feeling his dick inside of you (the girl who is and always will be more attractive than a plastic barbie doll paid to get laid ^_^), then f** him. That's NOT helpful to your self-esteem.


    My boyfriend looks at porno while we do it sometimes, and I don't mind it because I know when he does look at porn he's using it for what it is intended, as anticipation for me, his partner. I watch porn when I'm horny, but nothing beats the meat, I use it simply to get off, knowing that my own sex life is not fictional or faked as it is in most professionally done porno.


    He may love you, but if he's not willing to see how tormented you are when he does this, then he certainly has a very F***ed up way of showing it. And then to tell you that you don't give it to him enough is ludicrous. Maybe instead of whackin the mole to some chick on the tv, he should try oh...idk...getting his lazy butt off the couch and spending more time with you?


    I'm not trying to be rude, I'm simply trying to point out that porno is okay, when used properly, and that your boyfriend is an a**hole.

    • He is addicted to porn. He is comparing you with those girls which is totally unfair.


      Try your best to stop his addiction. Trust me, it is possible.


      Even I was a porn addict.

  • Selected as most helpful

    This is not what you want to hear, I know. But you're not going to stop him from watching porn. Guys are wired to want to spread their seed as much as possible, thus why guys are stereotypically always interested in sex and horny all the time, etc.


    Looking at porn does NOT mean he doesn't care about you, or care about your feelings. It doesn't mean hewould rather look at porn stars than you, it doesn't mean you're not pretty enough, or aything like that. The fact that you're pushing him away even further because of it is only going to make him resort to it even more.


    The only way to really make him not look at porn so much would be to accept the porn and have sex with him more often. As far as bedroom issues go, if he's not doing it for you in the bedroom anymore either, then that's another matter and something you should talk about with him.


    Maybe try watching it with him some time and go down on him or something. Then you can see that it's not that he prefers these women over you, they're just a fill in for the sex he desires but is not getting.


    If you want further advice on this topic, see my other answers, I've responded to several of these types of questions on porn, but in summation: let go of your insecurities. Insecurity and jealousy over something like porn is a real turn off for guys.

    • I'm not interested in arguing about porn anyways. People who hate it and people who accept it probably aren't going to change their opinions. And it didn't sound like he was being a dick about it in the question, but yeah, her elaborations in other comments made that clear. She should include that in an update or something.

    • Yes yes, your argument is a good one, I'll give it that, but what's she's saying is more than just "why do guys watch porn", the subtext to her complaint it that she is unhappy with the fact that she does attempt to "satisfy" him, and instead he plays with himself instead of watching her.


      The way he went about "saying he needs more" was by being an asshole.


      There, your argument has just been reduced to the absurd, making it invalid. -rolls eyes-

    • Well I don't think it' a problem. It's a stupid thing to figh about I think. Jealousy and insecurity are really silly things to destroy a relationship especially over something like this.

    • Show Older
  • 2mo

    I'd say he should listen to you. Yes, p*rn is part of almost every man's life. It doesn't mean your boyfriend can't make an effort to please you. It will be hard for him to cut his habits -- and maybe impossible to cut it completely -- but if he loves you, he should at least try if this is how you feel. A guy gets exposed to p*rn at an early age. After thinking things through -- and it took me a while -- I don't think it's normal to lust other women and get off through p*rn while being in a relationship with someone special, someone you love. And yet guys do it because of the conditioning of the brain. You can always pretend p*rn is only images and video, but who are we kidding? I'm fucking these p*rn stars in my mind. P*rn ruined my relationship with a nice and beautiful girl, because I couldn't make the effort. It's been a while, but I'm still longing for her. I was just stupid. I'm listening to the wishes of my current girlfriend now, but constantly thinking about that other girl almost feels like cheating in itself.

  • I don't know why most guys lie about it in their response. We are guys, we love sex, it's nature's intention for us to spread the seeds. Guys produce billions of sperm in one shot, girls produce 1 egg per cycle. It's nature's design for guys to f*** every women that give them a hard on. For girls, it's nature's design for her to f*** a hot guy to produce best baby and cling onto another guy who will stay there to take care of the baby.


    It's simple, he just doesn't find you that attractive, offer a threesome and see him f*** her 4 times a day.

    • Looool I don't support this guy wot so eva, but I love your analogy.....im using it!!

  • for one, when we want a quick wank, porn is easier. we don't have to do anything at all and we don't have to impress anyone. I have sex with my girl often, but sometimes when I am tired I don't want sex, just a quick wank, to realease some stress.


    second, I masturbate to porn all the time even if my sex life is good, there is really no connection here. I see it as a completely seperate activity.


    third, he doesn't want the porn girls, trust me. we like to jerk off to nasty girls we don't really want and then date the girls we actually want. it sounds strange maybe, but it is true. we never really want the porn girls or strippers or anything, we just like the idea of jacking off to them. he doesn't see them as perfect, trust me. he is with you for a reason. he does not want you to compete with them at all. seriously, you have the wrong idea.

    you need to stop feeling bad about yourself just because he looks at other girls sometimes. girls don't realize that all guys look at other girls and think about sex. I'm sorry to say, but we do. the difference is whether we act on it or not. if a guy is loyal and doesn't cheat then he is a good guy. don't expect him to never glance at a hot girl sometimes though. we all do it. if my girlfriend's sister is wearing a low cut top or tight pants, I am going to notice. I would never dare go after her nor do I want her at all, I want my girlfriend. doesn't mean I don't notice her hot body.


    I honestly think you need to stop being hurt rather than him stop doing it. you need to get over this self esteem problem. if he stops and you don't get over your problem then it will rear its ugly head in some other way. you will get hurt when he says a certain actor is good looking or when you catch him glancing at the waitress's chest.

    you need to just stop being hurt by this.


    it is so unfortunate that men have the biological reaction to check women out all the time while women somehow have the reaction to hate this. how strange. I guess it has something to do with men's need to spread our seed (and with the most biologically superior women) and women's need to secure her mate so she can get seed and raise children. the thing is, we can't help but react this way to some extent, but we are smart enough to recognize it and choose more wisely. I will choose to only have sex with one girl, and choose a smart nice girl even though my biology is telling me to choose many women and to choose the hottest ones.


    given that we are in control of ourselves in the important respects, I think we need to let go some of the smaller reactions we don't like, like glancing at a girl walking by or being impressed by a man who is rich and can lift heavy things. I accept that my girl is naturally attracted to certain things about guys other than me. as long as she doesn't cheat I'm happy.


    this isn't a matter of you having to improve sexually, it is not connected to that.

    • Doc is right very right...

    • *or possible ones

    • Ill answer this...


      love....your mans minds is the most perverted place known to........man lol


      he watchs the kinda p*rn that coincides with his fantacies to possible ones. Porn to us is like shopping to you.

    • Show Older
  • Well..u said u're adventurous and love to try new stuff. So let ur boy get some ideas..nothing wrong in watching.

  • let him watch porn,its normal..but jus make sure you revive romance between the two of you so that there spicyness in you life,

    then he MIGHT stop watchin altogether..

  • Because you're not giving him any!

  • This question is asked time and time again. This a copy and paste of my answer from another question along similar lines.

    =================================


    Porn + masturbation is different from sex.


    I could quite easily be in the mood for a quick wank, without wanting sex. Masturbation is a purely selfish act that's 100% stress free. You don't have to worry about:

    - Do I smell ok

    - Did I brush my teeth

    - I should have trimmed my pubes

    - Is she enjoying this

    - Am I going to fast

    - Damn I should slow down

    - Will this lead to a relationship talk?


    And so on. You can just sit back and look at whatever fantasy you happen to like at that moment. The internet (and the porn) allows for us guys to fulfil our generally rapid fire switching of turn ons at will. For instance I might start of, say, wanting to look at Jennifer Love Hewitt pictures, and during the course of a wank, that migrates into big breasts - bouncing big breasts - jumping - skipping - jogging - girls on a beach jogging - sex on a beach. Within the space of a few minutes.


    I honestly don't think the majority of girls understand that, or indeed how the male fantasies work. From what my girlfriend has told me, her fantasies when masturbating are long drawn out elaborate scenes. Her favourite is about being a saloon dancing girl in a wild west tavern and being taken by wild bill, the local bad guy. She's been masturbating to the same fantasy and imagined image for years.

    ---------------

    All guys are different. All guys have different porn tastes and levels. I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND intently, but at the same time I still watch porn. My friend however, when he started going out with his now wife, he deleted all his porn on his computer (but did admit to watching it still online at times anyhow). Another friend of mine as more porn than the internet! (Seriously, spindles of dvds, all categorised) that he and his girlfriend watch.


    Talk to your boyfriend about it, talk to him and say how it makes you feel. But in doing so, try to understand that porn to a male, and masturbation for that matter, is TOTALLY SEPARATE ENTITY to sex with a loved one. I cannot stress that enough.

  • honestly, listen I'm a guy and I don't watch that sh*t (it rots the brain) lay down for him and explain to him that you are real where as the girls in his book...well fake, some pics aren't even real some are made by computer animation...splicing pics of real girls together, so he is basically staring at a wall with a projection on it...and no offense to him but...WHAT A TARD! go for the real thing dude not that lame ass fake sh*t!

    p.s. Good luck!

  • What a wide variety of replies to this topic, and most seem aimed at hostility from one side or the other. From the girls perspective the first reply from 38rakia38 was pretty spot on. Many humans of both genders get off watching erotica, lots of times together but clearly it's primarily males that enjoy porn. So? The real issue here might not be the porn so much as the Boyfriend acting like an F***tard and rubbing her nose in it. If the girl is available and willing (without the 'in the mood' BS) then there is little reason for him to watch porn so openly in front of her and in hostile defiance of her. Watching porn = mildly acceptable for most humans but treating your girl like spoiled leftovers is just uncool. Give her the attention and affection she requests and IF you want something else then be discrete and don't make an issue of it. For her own sake a thicker skin and some counseling appears to be in order. But he's still acting like a F***tard if he's whanking it for 2 hours behind a bathroom door. Most guys would far prefer to enjoy a live warm smiling affectionate girl instead of something on a screen but everyone's different. If your Boyfriend can't understand this or chooses porn over real sex then his head isn't scerwed on straight. How dissimilar would it be if she spent every wwaking moment reading 'romance' novels full of smutty passages? Not very.


    All relationships require tolerance of your mates peculiarities and equal parts love and understanding. From the story above there doesn't appear to be much tolerance on either side and that's not OK. The question might be "IF you were getting all of the sex you wanted AND he only checked out porn in your absence then would this remain a sore topic? Likely not. So it might not be the porn as much as the hostile situation from a callous pr*ck Boyfriend who routinely ignores his girl?


    And those who claim that all porn is bad are likely repressed in other ways. Sex should be good for both genders and any erotica that promotes great sex should be applauded. By both sides. My wife bought me a subscription to Playboy nearly 20 years ago and I show decent respect by not reading it in front of the kids and by being there for her "LIVE" whenever she chooses. Whenever. Wherever. So it has never gotten in the way. And she's also watched porn and usually laughs at how bad the acting is or how skanky the women are. And they are skanky if you look close enough so there's nothing to feel threatened by.

    Different strokes for different folks but still I'm there when she wants the goods so she's never felt threatened by any of it. Good luck and I hope it's gotten better since you posted this question.

  • he may need some help-he sounds like he is having a problem with fantasy versus reality-guys are visually stimulated and that is what pumps up his urge to find release-when you are not there it is his hand in combination with porn -do not blame yourself just try to be around him more and help him realize that all women are not there for him-----they got paid to pose and left it at that--and they are robbing you of hours of orgasms with your man! He may think its ok for now but if you give him an ultimatum-me or the porn which will he choose-i hope he is not a fool and chooses you over his hand-if not then he has not respected you-never will and has been crippling your self-esteem in a most demeaning way

  • I know this is an old one but take some sexy pic's of yourself and that way he'll masturbate looking at pic's of you. he might still look at porn thow just because he's use to it

  • I only use porn with her,she usually watching it or dominateing some amatuer site,naughty girl

  • I agree it is addictive.. and just because he's doing it doesn't meant he's lost any interest in you. It's just an aid to masturbating.. It's not like he's going out and doing other girls..


    It's better for him to be get off on porn..than on another girl.

  • Porn is really addictive and is hard to stop after a while and its not that he doesn't get enough it just starts to become one of those routine things you know like brushing your teeth or taking a shower its just hard not to.

  • Don't let it bother you. You are only going to hurt yourself and him. Guys look at porn. Period.


    Want to go through life hating men? Instead, try to understand it, and even encourage it. Even better, do what my wife did one time and take a few shots of yourself and give it to him. I am serious, the sooner you stop getting bothered by this, the sooner you can become a better girlfriend, and friend.

  • I'm going to be honest too, I used to look a lot at all that stuff when I was single, but a lot of guys do that too. It's addictive, and it's hard to quit. Instead of fighting with your guy, perhaps you should help him to stop.


    It's a hard life when it's driven by porn.

  • I'll be honest. I look at porn fairly often. I don't have a girlfriend at the moment though. If I did, and she didn't want me to look at porn, I wouldn't. Sure, hormones can be very powerful, but any guy who tells you he can't stop looking at porn is either mentally diseased, or is lying. All it takes is a little will power, okay, sometimes a lot of will power. But still, I think your boyfriend just prioritizes looking at porn over your self esteem. If you can't live with his priorities, and he can't change him, leave him.


    If I were your boyfriend I would chuck the porn and just use my imagination to masturbate. Have you suggested this to him? Too much porn weakens the imagination, he may have forgotten how to use it.

  • I look at porn and I think it's a general consensus that most people at least do from time to time. My last 2 girlfriends looked at porn at least as much as I did and we definitely got some cool ideas. Any girl I've known really well to where they would admit to me that they do it, look at porn. You should try and push your parent's problems out of your mind. Just look at it in a totally different way. Porn can be fun for both of you.

  • He looks at porn because:


    a) he likes looking at porn, and


    b) it's not all about you.

  • I suggested this to another woman wo complained about this very same situation. Bring him some porn DVD's from his collection(if he has dvd's) and ask him which is his favorite.


    Pop in his favorite one skip to a scene he considers hot and mimic what the woman is doing in the video while he is watching. You can make yourself look like a porno lady, gawdy make-up, big hair and over exaggerated moaning and groaning. wear a whong, lots of good perfume, powder yourself up etc.


    The woman I suggested this to reported positive results and now they roleplay alot. Seemed like a dumb idea but I suggested it anyway and it turned out positive.



    I am sure there are a lot of "roleply" websites out ther with better suggestions.



    By the way don't cry about the porno actresses being perfect, they get a lot of surgery, lots of trick photography and we guys kinda get bummed out when we see how gigantic some of these guys are in those video's. So your not alone.


    Porno movies are all about fantasy and you can make anything look bigger or smaller in a movie...like godzilla looks huge and when he stomps tokyo it looks very convincing, but we all know its some dude in a rubber suit smashing model buildings, catch my drift? :-)

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