I feel sick when he touches me. What can I do? And will he mind that I'm not a virgin?

Ok I know it's in the middle of the night and this is a long story, but please I need som advice When I was a chil, my step father abused me. I'm 21 now, it's about 12 years ago now, he is in prison and I was in therapy for years. I thought I was fine with it until me and my boyfriend got more intimate recently. It's hard to describe it, we're not having sex we want to wait for marriage, but he started touching and kissing me somehow more agressivly.He looks at me different too, sometimes lays himself on top of me and it just makes me feel sick. It reminds of my stepfather so much. He doesn't know anything about that and I'm kinda afraid to tell him. I just don't know how and am afraid how he will react. He is awesome. I partly went BYU for the strict rules and because I wanted to meet guys that have good manors, don't drink, don't smoke and think of sex as something that should be done only with someone you love. And he is all that and on top of that he is funny and handsome. But now I'm thinking this was all an horrilbe idea. Obviously he values virginity very high and I'm just not a virgin anymore. I so scared that he won't understand and leave me for it
0 0

Most Helpful Girls

  • Well first of all, I have to tell your boyfriend about this. He doesn't know about what happened, so he has no idea how sick you feel when you guys are getting more intimate, or why you feel like that. He could be thinking in his head that you're just sectretly repulsed by him for no reason or something. You must explain things to him before misunderstandings occur. As for how, there's no real easy way of having these sort of conversations. Just tell him who have something you have to talk to him about, and slowly get your story out from there. You owe it to be open and honest with him.

    He seems like a really caring and understanding guy, so you don't have to worry about him not understanding. Most guys in general are very understanding and sympathetic of genuinely sexually abused girls. I'm sure he will be willing to slow things down a bit more and to help you get over your past slowly. You are lucky to have such a great guy so that he can you through this, so you can overcome your past together.

    Thinking that having a relationship was a horrible idea is just your fears creeping up on you again. I can understand how hard it is from other people I know who went through sexual abuse, but you're going to end up having a marriage eventually, and avoiding relationships is not the answer.

    I think you should go back to consuelling. one with good experience in behavior al phsycology and hypnosis can help you get over fears and anxiety very effectively.

    best of luck.

  • I know this will be very difficult for you but, you need to tell him about your abuse as a child. He's a man and he's driven by hormones and he may start feeling rejected because your actions towards intimacey. This is critical in a healthy relationship! I'd consider. Seeking therapy again to obtain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse! Tell him, it may surprise you how he handles. Tell him it'll take time and that he needs to be loving, caring and gentle with you. This is a traumatizing issue for you to overcome and I hope you can. Having a man that loves and cares for you so much that all he wants to do is please out in every way possible, it's truly an amazing thing! Good luck to you!

  • A good guy will understand, losing your virginity wasn't your choice. My advice is to tell him and to get back into therapy, obviously you aren't at the point of being 'ok' yet. If you want to make a future with this guy you need to be able to be intimate after marriage, and if it makes you feel sick that will get in the way.

    Please, go back and get some more therapy, as good as sites like this are, they are no substitute for real, professional help. You deserve the best possible life, and I really do think more therapy will help you come to terms with these feelings.

Most Helpful Guys

  • I found out a girl I had a crush on was raped by their father and it just made me feel sorry for her. I wanted to tell her I'm there for and that I'll help when ever I can but we were only acquaintances and I was not appose to know. we were acquaintances for a while and hung out once after that but she wasn't interested in me in the same way I was in her, she moved away a few years later.

    so what I'm trying to say is if he truly loves you he might get upset but in the long run he should understand and if you two talk about it he can solely help you get over "fear" of being with a guy. that and you could try being on top of him while making out and might give you a sense of control.

  • You didn't lose your virginity for fun, it was stolen from you.

    You still suffer from the guilt of having been desired, because what happened to you was so awful. It's a matter of trust you have. Because you are guilty of nothing.

    You should talk to your boyfriend about this. Tell him you have something incredibly important to explain to him.

    Not only will he be more patient and caring with you, but you'll see that it will help you getting over the trauma better.

    Just talk to him, so you both can face it together.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

What Girls & Guys Said

2 2
  • You still need some professional help here.

  • I would actually talk to a therapist again or at the very least a counselor before talking to your boyfriend about this. If you still associate sexual contact with the crime committed against you 12 years ago it will be difficult to have an rewarding intimate relationship with him in the future. It may hurt his feelings in the meantime when you shy away from his touch but if you are meant for each other he will understand when the time comes.

  • I was abused too. I told my boyfriend about what had happened, and it made things easier. He took things more slowly and stopped when I asked him to. More than anything he was just concerned for me.

    Tell your boyfriend what had happened to you. If he's as great of a person as you say, you will not be judged. But if you don't tell him you cannot have a healthy relationship.

  • I'm guessing you didn't hear about the guy on the BYU basketball team

    • you mean the one who got suspended from having pre marital sex?

    • Yes

    • what does that have to do with us?3

    • Show All