Sexual Health
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Virgin Couples

(I'm looking for answers from people that waited until marriage or are currently in a relationship where both them and their partner are virgins, but there's a question for other people too) ^-^ Can someone explain/discuss the dynamics of a virgin couple (both the boyfriend and girlfriend being virgins), Is it difficult to keep your hands off each other until marriage? Any advice you'd like to offer to virgin couples? For you non-virgins, what do you think of virgin couples?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • I married at 24.5, and my wife was 21.5 years old. We were both virgins until the day we got married. I believe that had either or both of us not been virgin prior to marriage it would have been that much more difficult to abstain from sex until marriage, because once you know what it feels like, and you know the right buttons to push, and you have overcome some of the initial tentativeness and natural inhibition that protects you, the drive and facility to make it a sexual relationship would be that much more powerful.

    After we were engaged, and the longer we were engaged the more powerful the sex drive became. I was happy when we finally did get married because for about 2 months before our wedding date thinking about sex became that much more real and it felt like the sexual attraction grew more intense the closer we got. We had to set up rules for ourselves to make sure we made it, and I am glad we did.

    If you are a virgin couple and would like to remain that way until marriage I do have some tips that helped me and my wife. Sit down with your fiancee, or boyfriend and establish some ground rules together.

    1) Recognize your own limitations and the situations in which you feel the strongest temptations, and make plans to avoid those situations. For example, stay out of each others' bedrooms and don't make a regular habit of trying to be secluded from everyone else. You are much more likely to cross the line when you are all alone in a place where it is unlikely that somebody might see you.

    2) Don't do things that stimulate the sex drive even more like simulated sex, touching or rubbing each others' privates, talking dirty and fantasizing together, etc. In general avoid laying down together, especially laying on top of one another.

    3) Don't stay out too late together. The more tired you are the less well your brain functions. Set a curfew for yourselves and stick to it.

    4) Try to keep yourself busy and avoid excessively thinking about or fantasizing about or stimulating your own sex drive when you are by yourself.

    5) While of course you will do things all by yourselves, also try to do a lot of things with groups to reduce the amount of alone time. Also surround yourselves with likeminded people who also value chastity and would be likely to help you keep your standards.

    6) If the attraction becomes to much for you consider one of two things, (A) create some physical distance to reduce the amount of time you are in close contact, and/or (B) move up your wedding date or elope. There is no shame in getting married earlier if you are both already mature, stable, and completely committed to a long-term monogamous relationship.

    7) Seek the advice and involvement of church leaders, parents, or other married couples you respect.

    If I can be of any help, just let me know.

    • That's good advice, and a great answer.

  • Religion aside, I think there are some good benefits to waiting. You both start something new with no baggage so you won't be thinking about how you measure up to past partners. Sex is something you both learn and grow in together.

    No breakup is easy, but there are strong emotional bonds developed through sex that don't will make breakups that much more painful.

    A buddy of mine in college related an experience hooking up with a girl at a party for his first time. He left disappointed because it wasn't anything special, no emotions, just physical. Left him with the impression that sex was overrated. Having waited until marriage myself, sex with my spouse is as fulfilling as I could have imagined and I feel sorry for my friend.

    As for "test driving the car" who ever buys the opened box sealed up with clear tape on the shelf when a shiny new shrink wrapped box is next to it? You can figure out your "compatibility" with a potential marriage partner talking with your clothes on. Honestly, more people get divorced over money and finance differences than they do about sex.

    Is it difficult to keep you hands off? OH YES! Worth it? Sure is.

    Advice to virgin couples:

    - Limit temptation: Try not to get into situations where it is easy to sleep together. Go out in groups instead of alone. Don't take trips and share a hotel room. Make sure your friends, family, and partner know you plan to wait so you have some accountability.

    - If this is the person you are going to marry, don't drag dating/engagement out forever. It just makes temptation harder. Make the call, set the date, and you can wait when you see the finish line of your wedding night approaching.

    • Agree. Who wants his wife to compare him with all her ex-sex-mates, behind his back? Even if she doesn't want to, how can she control it?

Most Helpful Girls

  • I certainly believe that virginity is a beautiful thing, and the only brides who should wear white at a wedding should be virgins as that is what the white represents. That being said, I do not think having sex before you are married is necessarily a bad thing either as once you are married and together for a long time you end up just like any other couple. The honeymoon is over and your love morphs into a deeper level of existance. It is not just about the sex, and sex with your spouse regardless of whether you had sex before or after marriage can still be outstanding and wonderful especially at that deeper level. I do know when I got married and much younger, I did wish at that time I had been a virgin so I could give my husband the best gift of myself and I did have some regret. However, after years have gone by, that never was a factor anymore and there was much more that was meaningful to me than just the physical attributes of our union. So in essence, I think you are coming to that deeper level sooner by not clouding your thoughts with sex and getting to know each other first, which is a good thing. Maybe that is why there is a slightly smaller divorce rate. Also the divorce rate may be smaller because you both proved such willpower and trust and that eliminates that from the relationship equation. I also believe it makes it scarier to have an extramarital affair because that is the only person you were with. That being said, I think in theory it is a wonderful thing, but I do not think pre-marital sex is going to make or break a marriage either. It is so much more than that that keeps it working. One other thought, however, is I would just wonder about people rushing into a marriage just so they can have sex. That may not be a good thing. If you can endure, keep going, but do not cloud your mind in the other direction either in that that is your main goal to marriage so you can appease the sexual tension.

  • I am 25. Two years ago, after deciding not to go thru with my engagement to wed (3.5 year relationship) I went on a "quest" to find the man of my dreams. Long story short...after 2 months of dating until I was sick of hearing the word "date", I threw in the towel. I prayed about it and God answered my prayer the very next afternoon. He led me to consider that HE had a perfect plan for my life, including the PERFECT husband for me.

    I had never really given much thought to chastity prior to that day. But, I knew in my heart that God would be better at selecting my companion than I would be. So, that day, I made a promise to God and to my future husband...I would wait for him.

    That was 2 years ago. I am waiting for him and while it does have it's crummy days...I have never been more content. I have never seen things (relationally) so clearly. I have never been so certain of anything. I know my short sacrifice (going without sex it not desirable for anyone) will lead to a LONG and HAPPY marriage FILLED with HOT SEX...with the man that I love. =)

    I will say this...dating is VERY hard though. Even when 2 people have the same conviction in their heart about waiting for their husband/wife...desire is still there...and it knocks at the door...very loudly. Really, the only remedy is not to be alone in a place where you could "shake the presents"...IE: make sure someone is always in the next room...or be in a public place.

    But...it will be worth it!

    As for virgins...I would assume it's the same thing. But...man! That's AMAZING! I wish that I knew then what I know now. I would have waited for my husband...100%!

  • I used to believe in marriage before sex. I was a little older than most people when I lost mine.

    I lost it to someone I thought I was going to marry. We were dating for years, and the feelings were so strong, I knew in my mind he was the one and only, and he knew in his heart I was the one.

    We were both virgins, but after sex, everything changed. I won't go into detail. But I do want to share my opinion on sex, with a virgin.

    There are people who change after sex.

    Some become addicted to it, or obsessed.

    Some develop a strong curiosity of experiencing it with someone else.

    I have heard many stories of women/men becoming addicted to sex after losing their virginity. After opening that door, they just want to f*** f*** f****. The respect they once had for themselves, and for their partner disappears.

    The urge to experience it with other people become so strong. It's curiosity I guess. And the chances of him/her cheating becomes higher.

    I am just basing it off of stories I've heard. But ofcourse not everyone ends up like that.

    It's not about knowing if your partner is good in bed or not (like the "test drive" comment), it's about knowing the person they will become after their first experience.

    Sex opens up a different person in all of us. And I think it's important to get to know that person as well, before you say "I do".

  • Let me tell you one thing. I am 26yrs old and I also thought I would keep my virginity until the marriage. A couple of years back I fell in love with a great guy and always avoided having sex because we wanted to keep that `after` the marriage. Because of the strong love we ended up having sex after all...but let me tell you that after that, things changed... because the sex was so awfull. Even though my partner was very romantic and even me. You will think now that, with all this love we have/had between us, the sex should be amazing. After having done the `forbidden thing` I started seeing him differently and I still don't know what to do. I did not feel a thing during the sex. Didn't I love him? Yes I did, like crazy, and I still do. But no sparkle.

    And yes I tried sex with someone else and it was very different. I felt great. No further words. I think you should trie but that is up to you. You should know what you are buying. Marriage is supposed to be life-long. If you wait , you can end up with shitty surprises. It can also turn out to be great. Choice is up to you. I respect both, but can be risky sometimes. Best of luck.

  • I agree with one of these posts that says that people can get addicted to sex.

    One of my boyfriend's friends lost her virginity a while ago. She used to be really nice and innocent apparently, but my boyfriend thinks she's changed since sex.

    My boyfriend isn't ready to go "all the way" yet, we've talked about it, and we're gonna wait a little bit.

    But this girl keeps on pressuring him to just jump on me by saying "It's really fun! You'll like it!" and whenever one us stays at eachother's house she always goes "You're staying at hers? Are you gonna finally have sex? MeowGrrrRaaawr! ;)" and it's like.. get a grip? Stop trying to force my boyfriend to lose his virginity when he's not ready.

    Anyway, rant over. =P

    I don't think I'll wait till marriage, but at the moment, sex, in my mind, is overrated.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I think it depends on what your values are and that you are true to yourself. For me, sex is such an important part of a relationship. If you look at the top problems that couples have in their relationship sex is one of the top two along with money. So, if sex is so important in a relationship then why would someone wait to find out if they are sexually compatible until they are married and supposedly going to be life long partners.

    • Maybe most of those problems are due to the fact that they didn't wait? I've read that it's premarital sex that breaks up more couples than any other factor. Premarital sex often fools a person into marrying someone who really isn't right for them, or maybe that person is comparing their wife/husband to someone they had sex with previously and now they have super high standards that their wife/husband can't live up to, as a result they're unhappy. Virgins have no one to compare them to.

    • I actually I think there are more pros than cons when it comes to waiting. It's just that some people don't have enough self control to do so. I don't really look down upon others that choose not to wait, but I love the idea of waiting until marriage. :)

    • I think there is some validity to premarital sex possibly breaking up couples, but I would disagree that it is just because they had sex. First, there is evidence that women who are on the pill have their senses, especially of smell, dulled. The pheromones that would typically indicate to the women that the couple is incompatible are blocked. Then after they have been married and she goes off the pill things fall apart. Second, people who "have to stay married" will work harder at it.

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  • Well first off I don't know about waiting till marriage cause I'm not at that stage yet.

    but both me and my guy are virgins and have been dating for a year and a half, and our living together. we are in love and to be honest not having sex has put a strain on our relationship, but although tough we have made it through. Personally its up to the couple.

    Best of Luck.

  • As a non-virgin, I think it's pretty naive of virgin couples to expect their first time to be magical and explosive. Watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall and you'll see what your first time will really be like; awkward, uncomfortable, and painful if you don't know enough to use lube.

    • I don't think the majority of us that are 18 and older think that at all.

    • Sorry, I think ggazelles is right, in most cases. People your age, if they have had sex ed at all, had abstinence only sex ed under the Bush administration. Which means, you know how to say no and stay virgins until you're 30, but you don't know anything about sex.

    • I'm mostly going by what I've seen on this site with the virgin crowd proclaiming how proud they are to be saving themselves and talking about how great it's going to be the first time they sleep with their future spouse. It's fine to wait if that's what you're into, but just don't expect your wedding night sex to be spectacular or you will be sorely disappointed and probably too uncomfortable with your partner to talk about it since you won't know exactly what you guys are doing right/wrong.

  • i'm non-virgin and not by choice (assault)

    what do I think of virgin couples? I think it's cute

    i'm Christian and I do believe in not having pre-marital

    but once you lose it,you lose it

    it's cute.

    i think that they just make a commitment to each other and it's really like a bond between the two partners

  • First, you should know that I'm pretty much done with the word "virgin"; it tells me nothing about the sexual activity the parners refrain from. (Oral? Anal? Masturbation? Mutual masturbation? Fetishism? BDSM? Erotic massage? Roleplay? Phone/Text/Cybersex? Group sex? Toys?)

    That said, I hope couples, of any kind, know and accept each other's sexuality before making serious long-term commitments. Otherwise, they set themselves up for nasty surprises in the future.

    • Well I've refrained from all sexual activity. I'm 100% virgin. I'm not sure about my boyfriend but I don't think he's done anything. Maybe masturbation, but I'm not sure because I haven't asked about it.. O_O I'm not sure what you mean by being done with the word virgin. Virgin isn't a good word?

    • When I say I'm done with the word, I mean that since the word never tells me nothing of what a person has or hasn't done except with regards to vaginal intercourse, I instead choose more specific language. Worse, it reinforces the false, stupid, misleading notion that vaginal intercourse *is* sex (as though the long list I mentioned above, somehow, isn't). P.S.: ALSO, by that definition, all pure homosexuals die virgins, regardless of their sex life.

    • Yeah...I feel bad that the word has lost it's meaning. When I tell people I'm a virgin they think I just mean that I haven't had intercourse. I also think it's horrible how some people have done a lot of that other stuff yet still try to call themselves virgins. I don't get it.

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  • I don't have an answer because I'm not in the situation but I thought it might be interesting to point out that so far, apparently, every answer by someone who's old enough to have been there, done that, and learned their lessons from it seems to be in agreement on how its a bad idea. Everyone except Regular-Guy, that is.

    • Since I am the unique case I probably make for that much more interesting of a case study, don't you think? According to the 2nd article link Jaquesvol posted, I am part of <5% of the population that waited. But I also know that cases similar to me have about a 20% divorce rate compared to the rest of the population for whom 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Not sure where I read that, but I am sure you could find it with a library or even a google search.

  • honestly... I have the most respect for people who choose to save "the gift" for marriage... it shows a lot of self discipline and shows that you respect yourself... I can't say as though I am a virgin... and I'm not ashamed of that... but I respect both sides.. people have their personal reasons for everything!

  • this was asked a long time ago, but I thought I would see if I could help...

    well not from personal experience, but usually when couples are both virgins and want to wait till marriage for sex, they rush into marriage. this happened to relatives of mine, and they got divorced quickly after because they were not right for each other.

    so all I say is, do not rush into anything for sex.

    :)

  • I'm in virgin realtionship. 5 years no. I can say we even live together. So dinamics are almoust the same as non virgin couple execpt sexuality. So we sleep in different rooms. We do not walk naked. We do not do any sexual activity with each other(petting, mutual masturbation). We try to abstain from masturbation. We do yoga. When its hard and there's a lot of temptations, its easyer to fight agaist them in coumple instead of alone. So I watch his back, he's mine.

    About casual weekend. So we get up I make breakfast or he makes. Than we decide what to do. Maybe have a dinner by his parents or mine. Maybe go to theather or concert. Maybe take a trip or something. We also go partying drink socialy alkocolol and so on. We live very normal life, I think better then non virgin couples. Because we argue seldom, respect our beliefs, have pleasure of waiting. When I think about waiting, I feel proud I feel warmness I feel love. I love, I wait.

  • This resumes it better than a complete library of books on the subject:

    link

    It simply doesn't work. And, if it works, nor the guy, nor the girl will know with what kind of bad surprise they will have to spend his/her entire life, till divorce that is.

    • Interesting. I didn't read the full version of the study, but based on the article it looks like the researcher massaged the stats a bit to get her result. "This method allowed Rosenbaum to compare those who had taken a virginity pledge with similar teens who hadn't taken a pledge but were likely to delay having sex, she said. She added that she didn't include teens who were unlikely to take a pledge."

    • Here's another one: https://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-12-19-premarital-sex_x.htm

  • awesome.

  • i think it is good for virgin couples to wait till they are married but sometimes depending on the time it is kinda hard to wait but you just have to fight it if you really want to wait till marriage. Most of the time virgin couples don't like it the first time they have sex together because they are not experienced but it makes you feel better when you no you have waited together and you can both experience your first time together

  • i think it is really good to wait for the right guy and then when you marry decide in your heat that he is the only one I love and my virginity is only for him and then do What ever you want but before marriage its like you are not loyal with your body ...that's it

    • "loyal to your body"? wtf does that mean?

    • According to me you should make love only with your husband and if you are not doing that and sleeping with several guys then your body and soul gonna ask you .....is this right and that is what I mean by loyal to your body .

  • Now, to begin with I'm single and I'm a virgin. I've been reading this debate and quite frankly there's only one conclusion I see. Everyone is different, we all have our own desires. To the people who believe that when two virgins have sex it's unsatisfying well I beg to differ. There's an old saying in my country that I like: "When you decide to have sex with someone, you decide to have sex with everyone they've ever had sex with." Is it worth it? Would you choose experience over purity? But this is my way of viewing it, I personally would not want to end up with a "used car" so to speak. Besides, it's your life, choose your own path and live with your mistakes and sins, because no one is perfect right? But that doesn't mean that you can't keep it in your pants. I close by saluting those virgin couples out there and I hope one day I'll find my virgin babe too. Peace out people, and keep your virginity if you can.

  • Hi -
    My name is Stephanie Lewis and I'm a casting director in NYC. I wanted to reach out because we are working with a major cable network on a new series about committed couples ages 35 and over who have yet to consummate their relationships.

    Each couple will have the opportunity to go on a weekend-long intimacy retreat with world renowned Christian relationship experts as they work together on their journeys. Whether you have chosen abstinence for spiritual, medical, or emotional reasons, we will work with two committed people who are interested in taking the next steps in their relationship. The goal of this retreat and the ultimate series is to build a strong foundation as each couple embarks on a new and exciting chapter. If you would like the chance to work with the best sexual therapists in the country to enhance your emotional and physical life with your partner, this opportunity is for you.

    For more information and to talk to a casting director, please email me at this address or at RelationshipRetreatCasting@gmail.com.

  • My boyfriend and I were a virgin couple up until recently. We thought it was fine to explore each others body and just did not have sex...but we did the other day and because we waited until we knew more about each other and what we both like...it made the sex so much more better :)

  • Of course it's difficult. The whole talking dirty to each other doesn't help either, but we can't help it.

  • i find it highly suspicious the anonymous user who claims the virgin relationship always seems to be appear on questions with comments by smith2267 who always seems to be against virginity. now maybe he is speaking from experience and he was the blind leading the blind. I have some things to say about not being a virgin. I had plans to wait for marriage and changed those plans. the few sexual encounters I had did not help prepare me for future relatationships or marriage in any way. nor is there any guarantee that sexual experiences with someone will continue to be good or bad. people change and the dynamics of their relationship change. just as nervousness decreases, excitement does too. there seems to be an arguement for being a virgin making it harder to wait and for knowing how much they like sex making it harder to wait. obviously sometimes its hard to wait, the sex drive is a strong one.

    • Very sage advice. While I agree with your sentiments, Smith is not the only poster here who is anti-virginity. It is unfortunate that chastity has seemingly become so unpopular that it is ridiculed. These mockers fail to recognize the fallacy of their advice, but they are committed to their version of blindness. Thanks for your response. Your comments are wise as you have seen both sides.

  • im a virgin and so is my boyfriend. we basically do everything but sex and things re working out okay...

    • I'm the same - except thing are working out very, very well. =P

  • okay I think waiting for marriage to have sex is dumb. your partner is like a car, you have to test drive it lol

    • Well since you want to compare a person to a car and compare premarital sex to test driving then lets really take it there. First off you wouldn’t expect the dealer to let you test drive every car in the lot until you find one you like. Imagine that you decide to pick up a bunch of friends during the test drive, get burgers and shakes, then drag race around town. A shake gets spilled on the floor and fries are mashed into the seat.

    • You have a little fender bender and damage the bumper slightly due to some reckless driving. After a few hours you take the car back and tell the dealer you didn’t like the car and want to test drive the next one. Instead of handing you the keys to another car he will be handing you a bill for the clean up and cost of repairs for the car you just abused. A new car should still be a “new car” after a test drive.

    • Im not saying use the person I'm just saying make sure that you like what you're getting. I mean who wants bad sex for the rest of there lives?????? and I'm a virgin so don't make me seem like a slut

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