Guys: Is sex your top priority in a relationship?

[selfishstars]

I've been having a conversation with someone on GAG and they said something that I was curious to get your opinion on: "if a woman isn't fulfilling a guy's sexual needs, the rest of her good points won't matter. What guy says, "We don't have sex, but it's cool because we have such deep, meaningful conversations?" or "I don't think she's attractive, but she' s a great cook, so I'm happy." Guys crave certain stimulation -- visual appeal and sexual release that is both regular and novel. Without that, they will not love you." To give a little more information, the user said: "Ah, but keeping a man sexually fulfilled -- which means not only giving him sex 95% of the time he's in the mood, but also doing new things and making sure his orgasms are "intense" enough IS a male-female thing. If a female isn't sexually fulfilled -- it's considered her own fault, she's a "prude." If a guy isn't sexually fulfilled, it is also her fault." So, guys, is sex the most important thing in a relationship to you? If a woman doesn't satisfy you 95% of the time you're in the mood, do her other qualities not matter and you won't love her? This seems really far-fetched to me, so I'd like to know what you guys think.

[peace-love-couture]

Sex is a priority to most men and women, but in a relationship, for a guy who ONLY wants sex(let's not confuse prioritizing sex and ONLY wanting sex), the relationship part of the equation doesn't exist because he won't put himself in that position or struggle, just for sex. He'll go get it instead.

Anyhoo,

sex is important to most people, male or female and it's funny how girls on here act stupid about how important sex is. They think that because guys on here say sex is important, it's the end all and that guys must be shallow and superficial. Sorry, but when one aspect of a relationship begins lacking, it's often accompanied by other parts of the relationship lacking.

"if a woman isn't fulfilling a guy's sexual needs, the rest of her good points won't matter. What guy says, "We don't have sex, but it's cool because we have such deep, meaningful conversations?" or "I don't think she's attractive, but she' s a great cook, so I'm happy." Guys crave certain stimulation -- visual appeal and sexual release that is both regular and novel. Without that, they will not love you."

Being unfilled sexually cannot be made up through words or hugs. Sex is not the equivalent of talking. Sex can be a PHYSICAL expression of love and commitment, and words the emotional expression. They balance once another out. Plus, it leaves both partners feeling wanted, which is pretty important to our self esteems.

"Ah, but keeping a man sexually fulfilled -- which means not only giving him sex 95% of the time he's in the mood, but also doing new things and making sure his orgasms are "intense" enough IS a male-female thing. If a female isn't sexually fulfilled -- it's considered her own fault, she's a "prude." If a guy isn't sexually fulfilled, it is also her fault."

We call this selfish lover, but they'll soon figure out that attitude won't work for them, or it just might, considering women are told repeatedly to not "offend" a guys job in the bedroom cause it might hurt his feelings.

But nothing can make up for sex. Plus, if a girl is gonna spend all that time and energy avoiding sex by trying to talk to him, cook for him, clean for him--whatever--maybe she should just spend less of her energy by having sex with him.

[peace-love-couture]

And if it matters any, sex is a deal breaker for me and if without time my needs aren't being met, I'd break up with the guy. I'm a sexual person and for me, nothing can replace my sexual needs. No amount of "I love you" or cakes made from scratch will change the fact that I will still desire that level of intimacy with a guy which can only be achieved through sex. No, I'm not a "slut" nor am I promiscuous nor would I cheat, but sex is important to me

[selfishstars]

I agree. For me, I think sex is a important and necessary part of a healthy, happy adult relationship. I have a high sex drive and I want to be with someone who is sexually compatible with me. That said, if I was in a relationship with someone with a much lower sex drive than me, I could still LOVE them. I might be unhappy and I may even end the relationship if we were genuinely incompatible in that area (like, it wasn't something that we could work together to improve). I guess to me,

[selfishstars]

loving someone, and being happy/wanting to continue a relationship with them are two different things.

[selfishstars]

As in: I can love someone, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm satisfied with our relationship, or that I'll necessarily stay in that relationship if I'm unsatisfied.

[peace-love-couture]

Definitely, I mean, I don't really associate sex with love anymore. I did when I was 15 and thought sex would be this big, deep, emotionally life changing event. So I can love someone, sexual relationship aside...but if my needs aren't being met, I'd leave them. Compatibility is so important to me and I could never deprive myself of being with someone who I'm compatible with. Love is one thing to me, but to be left unfulfilled is a deal breaker.

[taster]

*Nods In Approval*

[Anonymous]

I think it's dead-on about men's sexual needs ...

but women are often the ones who put unfair pressure to peform on other women. Many women will cater to men's sexual whims without even telling him she doesn't like it, or it hurts her or that she's faking orgasms. Guys come to expect these things because nobody ever had the guts to be honest with him. We've gone from one extreme, where women were told to "lay back and do your duty" to the other where teen girls see p*rn stars getting rammed in the ass and moneyshots to the face and run out to do this with their boyfriends in an attempt to keep him. There needs to be a happy, honest communication about sex with men.

[katiesmuff]

For some the answer would be yes, but for those really wanting a full and meaningful relationship NO sex would not be at the top of the list.

[Gone_But_Not_Lost]

It's not entirely true. I think sex in any relationship would be considered an important factor. Still, I don't think it's the only thing. Sometime recently, for a few reasons, my girlfriend and I couldn't have sex. It was pretty much out of the question. Still, while it kinda sucked, we eventually got though it, and we were fine.

We just did other things. We still cuddled, we went places. We could still kiss. But mostly yeah we just focused on other things. Before that we never really tested whether we'd be OK without sex. It was a question as to whether we'd be fine without sex, and then when a situation came up, we made it though ok.

As for the part about how a guy needs to be pleased 95% of the time he's in the mood and do specific things to make sure it's an intense orgasm for him, that's bullshit. I have had many cases where we hit a slow patch and she was not in the mood. I just found something else to do. After enough rejections I did wonder if everything was OK, but I didn't leave. I just asked what was up. On the cases where the sex was still pretty standard and simple I was still alright, as well.

Maybe I'm just a different breed of guy, but personally, I think whoever told you this was extremely cynical. I wouldn't put too much stock in what this person told you. Sure there will be some people who fit this description, but I doubt all guys are like this.

[brandonlee1234]

i like your answer , I can't answer the question, reason because never being in that situation. its how depends how long I have being with that person. and what my current situation is with her. so many variables that go into this question I think.

[BurningHammer]

I agree with you in the respect that this statement from this particular character is ridiculous but also symptomatic of the vast majority of guys out there who only really operate on a baser and more superficial level whereby they need gratification because they cannot derive any other value from a relationship.

Speaking for myself sex is important, no question, but insofar as being mutually compatible and both working towards each others' satisfaction; suffice to say I wouldn't appreciate the other party "faking it" or anything along those lines and would want them to be open and direct in terms of what they like and don't like and then working towards something that leaves us both happy overall. Simply put, if they're happy then I am, and I'd expect the same level of courtesy.

That said, if I were in a relationship (big if), I'd need more than just sex, I'd also need to be stimulated mentally, challenged, being understood for my sense of humour, having my interests appreciated on some level and being respected on a whole-which of course I'd reciprocate in kind. I'd want to be engaged on more levels than baser instinct.

I'll be kept if the other person is able to keep my interest on an "intellectual" level, the sex being simply another aspect of the relationship; an important one but not the be all and end all.

[ElijahCynicism]

I think he's right up to a point, but he's not, perhaps, coming from the right logic. As in... Lust is an integral part of love. He knows how HIS lust works, what it takes to make him satisfied, and so what he said is true of him. But it won't be true of everyone - however, it is reasonable, if not proven of inherent, to say that without lust being in place, love will not exist. So, if you take HIS personal sexuality out of the equation, and impose any other persons given sexuality, it becomes an equation worthy to consider, describing the subtextual mechanics.

So... I'm not going to say if I agree or disagree. Did you ask this person if you could ask a question based on their views, by the way? 'Cos if not, that's pretty low, man.

[selfishstars]

No, and I don't think it's low. It was posted in public, not a private message. Anyone can read it, not to mention that they posted anonymously. I don't think anyone has the right to be bothered if something they post publicly on the Internet is discussed publicly on the Internet.

[ElijahCynicism]

I think it's low. You might not have had bad reasons, but this has been used to abuse people over and over again on this site, and it upsets me a lot.

[selfishstars]

I understand if the intention of the person doing it is to make fun of or attack the other person, but I posted this because I'm genuinely curious if guys feel that these things are true.

[ElijahCynicism]

How do you think that person feels now, though? Having **** after **** rip apart what he says. Alright, it's public, you haven't named them, lah-de-dah, that's not an excuse. You've humiliated them. I'm not going to rip you apart from it, but god, man.

[selfishstars]

I don't see what's humiliating about it.

[sa230e]

I forget where I heard it but there's a great saying: "for men, everything is about sex - except the sex"

This guy sounds really emotionally closed off to me. I think most guys are to some degree and I'm no exception. I think it's a consequence of living in a culture where, at least in males, vulnerability and humanity is not really permitted. I think our repressed needs for human connection become sexualized because it's the only really socially acceptable, masculine way to be close with a woman. It's a way of experiencing that sacred feminine nurturing we need without it threatening the foundation of masculinity on which our identities have been built. If sex is the only avenue to get it, then denial of sex is rejection and abandonment which leads to feelings of resentment and contempt - not love.

I think it's so prevalent among us that we mistake it for having a biological basis. And it's easier for us to just accept that we are empathically challenged degenerates by nature than to even contemplate the prospect of wading into the subconscious mind.

[selfishstars]

Very thoughtful answer. I wonder if you have anything to add if I tell you that the person who said this is female?

[sa230e]

Not really. I would hazard a guess she just experienced it from the other side.

[WeaponZero]

I'd say no, but then, my opinion doesn't really count in this context, does it? =P

[kheserthorpe]

I think it's interesting what most people here assumed about the posters gender. I sort of answered in that original question. I would say that sex, emotional compatibility, and companionship are all very important. If any one of them is severely lacking, the relationship is in trouble. I think the 95% estimate is off.

It -is- true that if you are sexually unfulfilled nothing else can make up for it. But every whim being met is not required for overall sexual satisfaction.

[selfishstars]

I found the gender thing interesting too. I think sex is an important part of a healthy, happy relationship. In a relationship where someone's sexual needs aren't being met, I can completely understand being unhappy and/or even ending the relationship. But the part that I don't quite get is the "Without that, they will not love you." Surely a man can love a woman, even if they have an unsatisfying sex life?

[kheserthorpe]

Speaking from experience : Sort of but it puts a tremendous strain on it. In the long run ts almost no. I suspect men are hardwired to fall in love with women thy want to raise children with. If they aren't having sex they'd be raising someone else's children and are probably hardwired to disconnect. But there's a big gulf between 'no sexual connection' and 'every whim being met'. I suspect if you're with someone that demanding they're not in love at all. She may have experienced that.

[selfishstars]

"But there's a big gulf between 'no sexual connection' and 'every whim being met'." This is where my view on the matter lies. In any relationship, even one where people have similar sex drives, there are going to be times when one person wants sex and the other person doesn't. And even couples who do have different sex drives are often able to find a middle ground. Lots of people masturbate even though they're in a relationship ("Oh, my partner is too tired/stressed/has other things to

[selfishstars]

do? I guess I'll rub one out."). So the idea that if you don't have sex with your partner as often as they want it, they won't love you or won't want to be with you seems off to me. "If they aren't having sex they'd be raising someone else's children and are probably hardwired to disconnect." I don't understand why they'd be raising someone else's children?

[kheserthorpe]

I'm saying if men stayed in love with women they werent having sex with at all, and she had kids ... They're not his kids. They are some other males kids. Women for most of evolution 'beneftted' from most loving relationships. From an evolutionary standpoint, males only benefited if it need up being their kids raised.

[selfishstars]

Ah, okay. So that's a situation you've been in?

[kheserthorpe]

Yes, basically.

[DonMichelle]

Definately not. I'd rather have a Mrs that I gel with, relax with, laugh. A mrs is a mate, whom I like, and have sex with... she's not primarily a sex machine, she's a mrs

[15gilem]

Sex is not most important. however being happy is. this might mean lots o' sex for some people. also, sex is very important to keep a relationship together. it heals!

[drummerdude25]

It's important to desire your partner... but that doesn't mean you have to jump into a sexual relationship right away. Waiting until the time is right is also important, IMO.

[selfishstars]

Well, besides waiting for the right time: What if she wants it three times a week and you want it twice a day?

[drummerdude25]

Well that's something that would have to be worked out between the two of us... or you in your case. When there's a mutual love and respect, both parties should be willing to give a little/find the right level of compromise without any real hitch.

[shaydeee]

guess it depends how shallow the guy is... my boyfriend would have sex four times a day if not more if I was in to it, we usually have sex once a day. if this was true he'd have dumped me months ago.

[iwish46]

For me no. The most important thing for me is the relationship. If I make her happy and she makes me happy and we enjoy spending time together, that is all that really matters...at least for me.

[AltoonaYourPiano]

No. For me, sex is not that high on my priority list. It's something that just happens once in awhile with a woman I've fallen deeply in love with. I'm definitely not sex-minded, far from it. In fact, the girl is always the one who initiates it 99% of the time.

[taster]

Well males are no doubt all different...I am not going to be happy if my partner & I are not sexually compatible...frequency?...no woman OR man is going to want sex every time the other wants it..sometimes the out-of-mood partner can be stimulated into wanting..or at least agreeing to having sex...I don't see how anyone could place a percentage on that...like Toban said, there are slow patches...lol...next thing someone will say that married people do not masturbate...heh...not bloody likely...sex is very important in a relationship...that is one main reason for being married and provides a special connection between a couple...but 95% etc etc?...show me any married couple that lives up to those standards year after year...not gonna happen...(:

[Dylan1989]

For me, no. Considering that I will only have sex within a relationship, and I want to be able to connect with a girl before I get into a relationship with her, I would say that my top priority in a relationship is a solid connection.

[G_GTom]

Stuff happens. 95% of the time is unrealistic, but, I believe, sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. So important that it's not a fulfilling relationship without it.

[Dragan]

When sex is not right, it becomes a big problem. If sex is great, it seems that is not so important. Sex is important and everything else too. For me sex is important. Is important that we both enjoy sex. When sex is good, then the day starts with more sun, stress at work is better tolerated.

[cyrus7]

Personally it's %50-%50

It matters but it can be worked on

[Anonymous]

Can I ask your advice on something please? Iv been using progressively large butt plugs on myself for almost a year now. It feels great. But iv noticed iv a little trouble controlling my butt muscles when I orgasm and have messed myself on a few occasions : /

Has this ever happened to you?

Would fasting for 24 hours before I had sex and making sure my bowels were empty first help you think?

If you have the time to reply id really appreciate it. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Not my top priority no. Iv always wanted to try anal sex though. Is it safe? Iv heard a lot of people on here say it can cause a deadly infection (sepsis) or a peforated colon? is that really true?

[Anonymous]

I can't really tell it would be a Nr1 priority, but it's still important enough that without it there could be no relationship.

[Anonymous]

Having good sex and having a lot of it is equal with personality and career to me. When I love a woman I crave physical intimacy a lot and if she doesn't seem as into it as me or won't have sex I feel hurt, worthless, unloved, and will leave.

[Anonymous]

He's exaggerating a basic truth to the point of absurdity.

[taster]

Agreed