Girlfriend is way too tense during sex, how can I get her to calm down?

[Anonymous]

She's never had an orgasm, ever, as I discovered recently. Doesn't matter who she was with, what they were doing, nothing seemed to work. She's 21 and had been with two guys as just hookups, she'd never seriously committed to a guy (she'd been terrified of relationships) before me. Neither one of them came even close, despite one's best efforts. This combined with the fact that masturbation didn't seem to work for her convinced her that she's sexually flawed and just frustrated her further. Last night I at least convinced her it might be possible. I brought her to the point where she was thrashing around, almost there... but she would tense up and try to fight it down every time. I told her she was being too uptight and to just relax and enjoy it, but she insists she has never been able to just let go entirely and it felt too good to just relax. I don't know what more I can do for her. How can I get her to just enjoy the ride and let it come when it comes?

[MrOracle]

With a girl like that, you have to do everything to relax them. A hot bubble bath, a massage, candles, soft music, etc. She is feeling the orgasm approach, but she's afraid to surrender her control of herself and let it happen. It doesn't help that many girls feel like they're going to pee when they orgasm (and a few actually DO pee a bit), so that may be freaking her out too.

The best thing you can do, aside from doing things to relax her, is to quit worrying about it. Give her lots of foreplay and tease her and start things with a slow tempo and super-light tough and build in speed and intensity VERY SLOWLY. Once she gets used to that kind of a build-up and how it feels to be "right on the edge", at some point she's going to relax enough that she's going to go over the edge, whether she intends to or not.

But you have to stop making it such a goal, because it only puts more pressure on her. Girls still enjoy the feelings, sensation, and closeness of sex even if they don't orgasm (especially if they never have), so keep doing it and let her enjoy that part and get used to getting close to orgasm, and eventually, it will just happen on its' own. And once it does, it will be a little easier for her to let it happen the next time, and pretty soon, she'll be doing it all the time.

[NerdInDenial]

It seems like she's denying herself to have an orgasm. This could be the result of some insecurity or there is something that she is afraid of.

[lam43]

I think you're doing everything right. I would say just keep trying to talk to her. Or try other things to make her relax more. Maybe some wine or something. A lot of girls have never orgasmed with guys though. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with her. Maybe she needs to practice more herself to get over her insecurity.