How can I feel better compared to porn stars?

[Anonymous]

They are obviously sexier and no amount of exercise would make me look as good as I have naturally small breasts. I can't compete, and it is a blow to my self esteem. You may think it's stupid, how could images affect my self esteem, but honestly it's hard not to feel left out or less attractive if the women men get off to are flawless, thin, toned big breasted women. I feel really low when I see even those soft porn ads in billboards. When my boyfriend and I don't have sex in a while (because we don't have time, etc) it kills me because I know he's been wanking to porn, and these women. It scares me because I've heard there are studies that when men see these women they subconsciously think their partners are less attractive. I know sex isn't everything about a relationship, but attractiveness and feeling beautiful are major components of female self worth. Like men feel about having more or less money than other guys, or competing when it comes to who has a better car. How can I feel good about myself if these flawless women are everywhere, and he uses porn? For me it is a blow to my self esteem, because I don't look like that and I've heard some guys say that if their girlfriends looked like that then they wouldn't need porn, or that if they had those bodies it'd make sex 10x times hotter. I'm so confused because no matter how much I take care about my body I'll never lok as good, help please. I know he will never meet them so they are not a threat but it kills me that he thinks these women are sexier, it makes me feel less special and less attractive, jealous and envious.

[SectumSemprae]

I'm in your same boat in many ways. What makes it hurt for me so much, is that he keeps our clothes on when we're making love (so he sees other girls naked and not me), he doesn't tell me I'm hot or pretty (but he says it about girls he's seen when he goes out), and he hides it (the p*rn) from me. That last one is the biggie. I've asked if we can watch together, and he ignores me. And keeps watching it. There was a time when he was rejecting me for sex when I asked, kicking me out of our room along with our infant son, and watching p*rn secretly by himself. So, what to do...?

I'm still struggling with this, but here is my advice: learn to put less stock in what he thinks of you. Teach yourself over and over again that you don't need his judgments. Look good in the mirror because you feel good, and don't try for his attention; if he denies you attention after you tried for it, you'll feel worse, but if he says or does something nice (like can't keep his hands to himself) on his own, you'll be pleasantly surprised. When you're making love with him, just enjoy yourself and don't worry about what he thinks of you.

Or, you could make it into a game to get him off as much as possible and then afterward pretend like nothing happened. See if he's more touchy-feely with you after that. But that one kinda sucks, because playing games isn't healthy for a relationship. I do the last one sometimes, but it's because I feel like our intimacy is already gone, and I wanna get him off while protecting my heart (if he pretends like nothing happened and watches p*rn again, I don't get my feelings hurt, and at least I tried). Him not wanting to see me naked anymore ...and I am a lithe person, lost the pregnancy weight months ago... I feel too ashamed of my body to enjoy our love-making anymore. And he responds sarcastically when I say anything. So I don't say anything anymore, don't want to nag. I hope that your boyfriend is a better listener to you, is more compassionate, and genuinely wants to see you happy.

I'm sorry if my advice is very cynical. When you enter into a relationship with your heart open and society's expectations at your back, this kind of thing when it happens can make you feel "not good enough". So we've got to take our power back.

Some folks watch p*rn as a little enhancer to their sex lives. It's when it defines or replaces their sex life or that of their partner, that it becomes a problem. If he's not looking at you first, or if what he does is hurting your self-esteem, then there's something wrong. Talk to him.

[missnicole]

Dont compare yourself to a fantasy and you'll feel a whole lot better.

No one is flawless...no one is that perfect. That's the job of the industry..to create the fantasy of a sex hungry drop dead gorgeous flawless perfectly shaped woman. Plastic surgery, makeup..including body makeup to hide imperfections, lots..and lots of excellent lighting, special lens on the cameras for softening filters, hair stylists, personal trainers, nutritionists, etc etc etc... If the average woman could walk around with all of that..wed look "perfect" too.

I never felt all that threatened to begin with...but when my boyfriend went to a porn industry fair recently, I got such an ego boost...there were a lot of famous well known porn stars there..some he was excited to meet cause he really liked them, and he said seeing them up close in person really killed a lot of the fantasy for him... He said he could tell that the industry was taking its toll on them and he said me with no makeup fresh out of the shower in the morning was ten times hotter.

Add to it..When a friend of mine got into porn..she had to do her first girl on girl scene with someone that I always thought was drop dead gorgeous and she was so excited to work with her...put it this way..she now has a clause that she will not do girl on girl scenes anymore..she said when she saw her..her stomach turned..everything about this girl was disgusting and doesn't want to touch another woman again for anything. But the camera loves that girl...when she saw the clips afterwards, she woudlnt have believed it was the same girl had she not been right there cause she appeared gorgeous..but she still coudlnt get the real deal out of her head. She laughs and says she's scarred for life..just like the girls thighs. Oh dear...

So yeah...dont sweat it. Seriously. Its a fantasy. You're the real deal..there is no comparison.

[Anonymous]

I say this as a girl who actually DOES look like a porn star...well not with fake boobs, but I'm as skinny as they come with big natural boobs and a nice face, and long hair...guys still need porn. If they didn't find their girlfriends attractive they wouldn't be dating them. And even when I'm in fabulous relationships I still watch porn because it's fun and it's a way of branching out without cheating. I see where you're coming from, but also, a lot of the women in those movies would seem scary in real life. most guys I know wouldn't go near a girl with fake boobs, and some guys tell me I'm too skinny, and they prefer a girl with more meat on her. however I totally see your point..it is scary especially if you have lower self esteem. even though most people think I'm hot, I sometimes feel like a really ugly person because of random things I don't like about myself. if it really bugs you, ask your boyfriend about this and tell him how it makes you feel when you know he watches porn. he wil most likely explain his mindset to you and help you feel at ease.

also, please don't yell at me for liking my body. If girls weren't always forced to hate themselves so much, we wouldn't have the terrible self-esteem problems we have these days.

[Asker]

I, for one, will not hate on you for liking your body. Kudos to you, because nowadays it's hard to be in that place and I wish I was. Now, I understand my guy needs porn. I don't like it, but he does, so well. But that's not the point. If I was blessed with your looks, I'd probably be ok with him getting off to these women who would resemble me. I don't look like that and never will, so his getting off to women who are different makes me feel a bit inferior. Anyway +1 for the positive attitude

[Shlei3]

First off, your self esteem is something you will need to work on. I am not thin as a rail at all. I have latin curves and I'm short. I know I am very sexy. Part of that sex appeal is the confidence. What one man finds attractive another man finds unappealing. You will never look like the billboards or porn girls so please don't think you have to. I know my fiance finds me very sexy. The reason I know this is because we have an incredible sex life, he's proud to be with me and always holds my hand or shows affection in public. What's the point in comparing yourself? There will always be someone better looking and someone less good looking. Really, it's pointless. All that matters is that you love you and you value yourself. Therapy, physical therapy (a.k.a. exercise), eating healthy and letting loose will help that. Don't become a slave to physical beauty. I'm sure you are beautiful.

[l-hedoniste]

"She is an actor. She is an actor. She is an actor" Repeat as necessary.

These women are fantasy people in fantasy situations, and most grownups know that a reality beats fantasy every time. It's why I try not to get into fights no matter how many kung-fu movies I watch; because the *reality* of my martial arts skill would rapidly overcome the *fantasy* of my martial arts skill, and I would get my *ss whipped.

Similarly, your boyfriend, EVERY boyfriend knows, that the best porn is inferior to the most mediocre girlfriend, because reality, again rapidly overcomes fantasy.

[Asker]

I don't think every boyfriend or husband knows that, if you look up stories of people addicted to porn you'll realize some people actually prefer their hand to their partner. Well, my boyfriend knows that, I guess. But knowing that they are actors doesn't change the fact that they look a million times better than me, even tho in person they don't look as good as in film, they probably also look better than me in person with their boobs and all.

[thompson75]

You missed my point. I'm saying it's just as ridiculous for you to feel in competition with porn stars, as it is for guys. If guys are making you feel less sexy because you're not like porn stars, you have every right to expect them to have 12 inch dicks...which I'm sure they do not.

[ggazelles]

Porn stars are plastic and fake. Guys want to imagine banging them, but they wouldn't actually do it in person because these girls have busted hoo-has and are the opposite of datable.

[thompson75]

You can feel good knowing that his dick is about 5 inches smaller than the male stars that are banging the women that you're jealous of. If they expect you to be like those porno stars, they'd better be packing 12 inch dicks. Period.

[Asker]

I don't care about a guys penis, as his satisfies me well enough and I don't watch porn to get off so I don't see other guys's penises.

[Tech21]

if you don't have big boobs work ur butt out and be proud of that asset

[Anonymous]

we can't compete with the, either. The key is not to try.