Sexual Health
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I feel like I can't ever be enough for my husband sexually?

It's been 5 days since me and my husband had sex- that's a LONG time for us. My husband normally wants it every single day. I have a much lower sex drive, and I would be happy doing it 2 or 3 times a week, or less. My husband is always the one who initiates sex, because he's always the one that wants it. I asked him today why has it been so long since you tried to have sex? He told me that he's getting so tired of trying to get me hot, and he's always the one that starts it. I tried to explain to him that it's normal for women to want it less then men, and that it's hard for me to initiate sex because he doesn't really give me a chance... (I would maybe initiate it after 3 or 4 days), but if we are having sex nearly everyday, I don't really want it so why would I initiate it? He said OK then, why didn't I try it in the past 5 days? It's because I'm so used to him starting sex, that when he doesn't start it for this long, I think something is wrong and HE doesn't want it. He said he would much rather we have sex once a week and have me actually wanting to have sex, then have it often and him have to work to make me hot. I know that once a week isn't going to be enough for him, he'll resort to other things like p*rn and even possibly another PERSON in the future. It's just how things work, or so I've been told. I can't pretend to be super hot when I'm not. He even asked me then why don't I just start it even if I don't really want it? Well, why would I do that? I understand that it must be annoying to always be the one starting sex, he says it's getting really boring. but does he want me to PRETEND I'm hot? And it's not like I never started sex, I did a few times, granted no where near as much as he does. I said to him, it seems like no matter what, I can't make him happy. Maybe we have sex once a week, with me starting it, it's still not enough for him. We have sex several times a week and he starts it, still not enough for him. What am I supposed to do? It's not like during the sex I just lie there you know? I just need a little help getting to a point where I wanna have sex. It's called foreplay, I thought that was normal for most couples. But during the sex I'm pretty "active" and I'm trying to make him happy too...
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Here's the part that you may be missing:

    In a relationship (and to some degree even outside of them), men *really, REALLY* want to feel sexually desired. And when they're in a relationship, and their partner doesn't make them feel sexually desired, their ego is slowly crushed, and eventually they will become depressed, and often angry/bitter, and eventually they'll realize what the problem is and will seek someone else to fulfill that need. And it IS a need, as much as women have a need to feel ROMANTICALLY desired.

    It's not so much the sex that he needs; he needs to know that you DESIRE him and are hot for him, and that he turns you on. If you can find a way to initiate things a couple of times a month, and to do so in such a way that you are communicating your sexual desire for him, then he'll happily reduce the frequency a bit and initiate the other times without complaint. In other words: work with him on this, and he'll work with you.

    Try to imagine how you'd feel if your husband had NO desire for you. If he never looked at you or had no interest in touching you, and if he never did anything remotely romantic with you. You'd feel empty and unwanted and unworthy; basically you'd feel diminished. That's how he's feeling right now, and you need to figure out how you can fix that, because quite honestly it's your job to do so as his wife, and one of the few jobs that is explicitly defined by the role of "wife." If you can't find a way to do this, your marriage simply doesn't have any long-term potential; it's that serious. He will happily make huge sacrifices for you in other areas, but he needs this.

  • Yeah something IS wrong, you don't initiate sex. problem solved.

    question 2, compromise. he'll have to settle for less sex a week, maybe three times or even two, but you're going to have to initiate at least one and if you feeling like treating your husband maybe even two times. Both of you are making a sacrifice to ensure you are both happy and monogamous, or at least as happy as you could be since you both have completely opposite feelings about sex.

    and you're right, it is called foreplay, and if foreplay is what you need to get hot then freaking start it already and get the ball rolling. he gave you sufficient enough amount of time to start it (since you claim that's what you need to get in the mood) and when its given to you you find some other excuse to not start it. that would honestly frustrate the hell out of me. what's it going to be next time?

    what you guys are missing is an understanding of each other. he needs sex more than you do, so he's going to have to deal with not getting as much as he would ideally like to have and you're going to have to deal with it by starting "it" more than you ideally would like to and that's it.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • I would try the once a week thing but surprise him with a blowjob or handjob fairly often but at random times(maybe every other day) to keep him interested. This might even boost your sex drive a little

    • might work...

    • You can't fake being in the mood and your husband should be understanding and supportive. The only that I can think of is for you to initiate when you are ready and do oral in the mean time or get creative with his mastrubation. Maybe encourage him to do it in front of you while you dance or show off your body. Talk to him as much as possible about how you feel and what you want out of sex

  • The sad truth is that your marriage is going to fail. You guys are so far apart sexually that without major changes (mostly on your part) you are doomed to become another divorced woman within a year or two.

    • lol that is quite frankly the most ridiculous answer I have ever heard on this site. and I've seen you answer a lot of questions (even mine) before and I didn't think you were this much of a retard.

    • i think it's really sad when people say thing like that. I can only imagine that in your case (also basing this opinion on the sex-related questions you ALWAYS answer), relationships for you are based on sex. when you learn what love is, you'll see sex is just an extension of it. a way of showing your passion and caring for the person. but it's by far not the most important thing. if you care enough about the person you're gonna need to work one hell of a lot harder then that to make a marriage

    • work. they are never easy, and to find someone who's sex drive is on the same level as you is lucky- not necessary. I actually burst into tears last night and told him I just want to make him happy and I want to try and make things better. he hugged me and told me "don't be ridiculous. your pure existence is enough to make me the happiest guy on earth. sex isn't everything, I just wish you wanted it more often but it's not such a big deal and we'll figure it out."

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  • well based off your story your not enough and equalizing yourself to other woman and saying its normal for women to want sex less then men is probably making you feel that way... perhaps you should figure out what makes you hot for him and go with that think about a body part that he has, if you care. to seems like you just don't care about guys or find attraction in them to get you hot ... come on- he's yours, if I had a girl I would be turned on all the time and I expect the same from her if she's not... their would be no reason to be with her

    • look it's a well known FACT that in general, guys want sex more then girls. It's also easier for guys to orgasm, so logically that makes sense. don't make it out like I don't care about my husband or that I'm gay. I know that what I'm going through is common. I just wantd advice on how to deal with it.

    • well tell him to play with your clit and give you an orgasm first before he gets his while doing you maybe it will make you want sex more ... playing with clit while having sex is fun to me especially doggy style lol makes her orgasm fast

  • No, not normal that women don't initiate sex. It's normal that people get depressed when they always have to initiate it.

    And secondly, you assume something is wrong when he stops initiating for a week? Well, how do you think he feels then?

    You say "no matter what I can't make him happy". Yet you also say you don't initiate when he asked you to. It's not a secret what he wants here. He is openly communicating your needs to you. And then you shoot him down and say you want to make him happy and wish there was a thing you could do.

    All this doesn't exactly translate into you two having a problem but you telling him that he has one. Another thing that makes people sad and depressed.

    So no, it's not about "how often". It's about both mutually engaging in it. And both working on a relationship issue.

    • About you not being in the mood. The world is not black and white. You can get into the mood. Most people forget that. I have not been in the mood before and changed my mind due to the interaction with my partner. I am too usually the one who wants it less often in a relationship. Yet I never heard any complaints by my partners because unless I feel physically sick, I don't turn them down. And I make an effort to make them feel loved and desired.

    • well when my husband initiates it, I never turn him down either, and I make an effort once I'm in the mood. and about making people depressed by telling them they have a problem- you kiiiinda just told me I had one.

    • Yeah, but I am not your husband. And you an I don't have a problem with our sex life.

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  • Let him watch p*rn? that could help.

  • see this guys? it's a warning. like they say, once she gets that money on lock (marriage), sex becomes women's worst enemy. don't fall for it.

    • what do you mean "money on lock"?

    • it costs men a lot to divorce. women get to spend men's money during and after marriage. his money becomes her money

    • so are you saying I manipulated him into marrying me? I was always like this, when we first got together, I was inexperienced with sex (17) and the whole thing even still made me nervous and we got married (I was 19, he was 27) and that was 2 months ago. I haven't had time to reach a point where I could even think about using sex as a weapon for marriage. and trust me, I'm not that kind of girl.

  • He just wants you to want him I bet he feels unattractive or insecure about his sexual prowess because you never act like you want it

    • you're probably right about that... but it isn't anything personal, it's just my sex drive. and I tell him all the time how handsome or sexy he is...

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