Sexual Health
+1 y

I snooped and found something bad... now what do I do?

I know this is wrong of me but my boyfriend left his email open on my computer so I had a peek at a message between him and his best friend - and of course snooping only leads to bad things, so I saw that he wrote "I really want to do my ex one more time, she was the BEST in bed, trust me. like my own personal p*rn star." his friend then asked "i thought you were happy with your gf?" and he replied "well I am"... wtf? guys, is this just a harmless fantasy? or should I admit to snooping and break up with him? cause there's really nothing he can say to fix it, if that's the way he feels then I can't change it... I mean I thought our sex life was good but apparently I'm no p*rn star compared to her :( what should I do?
Updates:
+1 y
he was with his ex for one year, so that's a long time. she was supposed to come visit him and they wanted to "see if they could try again" so I guess there were still feelings involved... but that was right when he met me, so I made him choose - I said if you want to be with me, you can't have this other girl coming, obviously. so he cancelled on her and told her not to come like 3 days before her trip (she lives in a different city in the same country) and I figured that meant he chose me...
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Most Helpful Guys

  • You ever hear that expression, "Confusion hath f*** his masterpiece"? Well, that applies, I think. He's got a great girlfriend, he knows he's happy with you, all that, lah-de-dah. But he's really got it for his ex, wants to make it with her. I had this when I was with the girl I loved, it'd get really hard for me, because I really wanted to f*** some other girl. I never did, but I mean, I had it hard. And, like, I dunno, you've probably never read any of my answers about her, but I talk about her AD NAUSEA, my devotion to her is f***ing... Insane, seriously. But, yet, I had it for other girls, and really hard. It happens.

    I didn't talk to my friend about it over emails, I went through denial, justification, the whole deal. He's not doing that, he's one up on me, hey, he accepts it. But he's probably not going to do anything - he might be considering it, but I really doubt he will. But he's got that thing, that interior thing where it feels like gears are grinding against each other, 'ERRRRGGHH'.

    Best thing YOU can do is; try and get over your obvious and understandable jealousy. Accept that he's lusting, and try and understand. Everyone lusts, as much as they deny it. If you're of a more sexual nature - you say your sex life is great, right? If you're more sexual, you're prone to this kind of thing more highly, and more intensely. But it probably won't lead to anything bad. So, understand, and try and be okay with it, try to accept what you've read; two notions - he really wants to f*** his ex, in a mean and physical way, and he's happy with you (probably an immense understatement).

    Then, when you've done that, admit that you snooped. Don't tell him what you saw. Don't tell him what you read yet, unless he really pushes. But tell him you snooped, and apologize because you know it's wrong, you said so. So, we get that out of the way; he's accepted you've snooped, you've accepted he's got it for his ex.

    THEN, you tell him what you read, and tell him you understand. Tell him you're okay with it, and that you won't encourage it, but you can live with it. Talk about her, what he liked about her, etc.; but don't try and EMULATE her, be your own unique sexual bastion, which he appreciates and will love moreso in time, I'm sure. Sexuality comes on that way, usually, it comes up on you the more you do.

    Then, every things level. Nothing is said in anger; you forgive, understand, he forgives, understands - you both get on the same level, and progress. No pressure, no jealousy, no bitterness, nothing. Everythings groovy. If you can do that, *everythings groovy*.

    • Updates talking to no one but yourself

    • update was to clarify that there are probably still some feelings between him and his ex. this sounds like a good solution except that I can't just step back and look at it that rationally - I don't think I could ever tell him that I'm okay with him lusting after his ex. that I'm okay with being 2nd best in his mind... "forgiving" is easier said than done :/

    • You're not second best. He never said you were second best. And; "easier said than done" is the epitaph of those who never did, right? Try and look at it rationally, do you really doubt your ability to be rational?

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  • this really is a horrible situation.

    the potential problems with staying with him are that:

    - can you trust him not to have sex with his ex again?

    - will you ever feel confident in bed with him again with such as nagative comparison?

    - if he's told his friend that, is there stuff he's told him about you?

    however, it should also be said that:

    - he's still with you, not her, so he must be with you for more than sex

    - he's told his friend that he's happy with you, so maybe the ex thing will remain a fantasy (after all, everyone has them)

    - sex will improve over time, especially if you talk to him about what he really wants

    basically, you've got to talk to him about it (warning though, expect him to be angry about you reading his messages, so let him calm down before you two really talk about the email contents or it might just turn into a HUGE argument that gets you no answers) and decide for yourself which side is strongest.

    only you can decide. do not break up with him because you feel like "society" (your friends, family, GAG users etc) thinks you should, but do not stay with him because you're scared of regretting it. follow your heart, I guess.

    • thanks. I mean he's always telling me how he thinks I'm gorgeous and how great the sex is with me, but also that it's about more than that for him... and he's a really sweet boyfriend so I think he means it, the wanting a relationship part at least. from what I read he didn't tell his friend anything about our sex life, but maybe that's cause he was trying to respect my privacy? the friend actually wanted to date me first, awkward. anyway you're right, I SHOULD bring it up but I'm afraid... uff

Most Helpful Girls

  • re your update he's obviously still not completely over what they had whether he just misses sex with her or misses being with her, but either way he's still thinking about her and what could have been(or still could be) I mean he said it to his bro it's not like he's just thinking about it in passing he's thought about it enough to tell his friend...I can't say what you should do but I'd be very hurt by this and I'd probably end things with him. You might be the kind of person who can move past it though and if that's the case then I'll leave that up to you.

    • hmm yeah I agree that he's not completely over her, but why do you think he picked me when given the chance? I'd like to think that counts for something at least :/ I am very hurt by it though, but can't bring myself to confront him about it...

    • he was right in the middle of seeing if she was what he wanted again when you came along and forced the issue. I"m NOT saying you were wrong to do that but you made him choose and obviously at that time you were the better choice for him but he didn't get to really finish working things out for himself in regards to her when you put your foot down so now he's got this unresolved thing going on...he obviously hasn't let it go like you'd hoped he had. I"m sorry and I understand your dilema :\

  • Uh..is there a chance that his ex is nearby? (could they meet up without you knowing?)

    • his ex has to be willing too, or nothing will happen.

    • Yeah, too bad she doesn't know that for sure

    • @ the update: That answered that for me. I'm honestly not sure what you should do about this. You snooped into his personal stuff, so he would be justified for losing trust in you, and perhaps even letting that be reason enough for him to break up with you, especially with such motives such as having his ex fly out to see him. Maybe it'd be better to not tell him you snooped, but rather, if it's bugging you, try to casually bring it up later if ever a discussion about happiness comes up and ask

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Aside from what you found, I see no one addressed the fact that you violated his privacy by looking through his email. If you open your neighbors mail, its a federal offense. So why do you think it was OK for you to snoop through his email.

    Look, I am looking at this as if my own girlfriend snooped through my email. It shouldn't matter that I left my email client open. If I found out that my girlfriend sifted through my email, I would be totally pissed. I have never cheated and will never cheat on any girlfriend I will have. If I was unhappy, I would break up and find someone I would be happy with. So this all comes down to trust. You broke your boyfriends trust. That was just wrong. :(

    • i just knew that someone would come up with this answer. yes, it was wrong. I was nosy. however, people that like to attack the other person with this "my privacy" stuff are on the offense because they know they did something wrong, too.

    • Perhaps, but honestly, I would be upset since I know I would not be doing anything underhanded or sneaky in the relationship. As I have said, I was speaking not about what you found, but what you did. I would not be on the offensive because I did anything wrong. I would be on the offensive because You did something wrong when I did not. Look at it this way, how would YOU feel if I had snooped in your email. Same difference.

    • well yes - if you hadn't done anything wrong then I'd be 100% to blame here. but since he DID do something underhanded, then I think my snooping becomes the smaller problem. so how would you react if you knew that you did something wrong and your girlfriend was justified in being angry, even though she shouldn't have seen it in the first place?

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  • If he still likes to have her in bed, I think you should empty the bed for her now. It doesn't mean how longer was the relationship - now if he is with you, he should be honest about the current relationship.

    • empty the bed for her now? what do you mean by that?

  • Here's my take. If a gal really preferred sex with her ex, I wouldn't stand in her way. I'd cut things off and never look back.

    • think you can miss sex with an ex just cause it was... different, though? he went on to say he wanted a threesome with both of us, so it sounds like he just wants BOTH.

    • Let's say my girlfriend wanted a three way with me and her ex. I'll show her the door, change the locks, and find another gal. Not interested in women with those preferences. I have never wanted a three way with my current and ex. Nor do I have any feelings for my exes. I've always believed a clean break is the best break. I've always been suspicious of women didn't believe the same.

  • Three options for you, IMHO:

    -You consider it a harmless fantasy and forget you ever snooped and go on with your life with him.

    -You bring more variety, fantasy (eventually exploring your hidden kinky side, if any) and initiative in your sex life and forget you ever snooped and go on with your life with him.

    -You don't feel ready to do one of these and you just dump him and go on with your life without him.

  • He did chose you, and he's happy with you.

    That doesn't mean that sex with you is better than sex with her.

    And so similarly, that doesn't mean he sometimes wishes he could have sex with her again.

    Guys do not think like girls do. Learn this simple fact. We are quite capable of mentally separating sex out from the intricacies of relationship. So it's quite possible for him to be happy in a relationship with you, and STILL want to have sex with his ex.

    Forget you ever read it. And realize that you've got some work to do, if you ever want him to think about sex with you in the same way as sex with his ex.

  • Whether you stay with him or not, I think you're going to have to admit to snooping so you two can talk about it. If you try to pretend like you never saw it and never mention it to him, it's probably going to make you paranoid, understandably.

    There's a chance he's the kind of dumbass who brags about their exes to their friends and just said that to show off, but still, that's not cool and pretty disrespectful to you. The more likely thing is that he meant what he said, and if that's the case, I don't think he truly loves you. Even if it's just a "harmless fantasy" and he wouldn't actually do it.

    • "I kind of wondered for a little while, back when we got together, I told you to choose between me and her. You chose me, and that makes me very happy and I thank you for it, but I'm hoping you're happy too. Do you have any regrets about that?" or something like that, to not seem too suspicious (as if you know something). I think that's the best way of avoiding conflict. And don't snoop in his stuff again unless you know you're going to catch him red handed in the act. xP

    • oops, that was supposed to go below, ignore me. =P

    • we've only been together for a month, so I can't expect him to love me yet, right? I mean I wouldn't say I'm in love with him yet, either.

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