Boyfriend is ashamed of himself?

[Anonymous]

I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. We've been dating for two years. Not that it matters to me, but I'm black and my boyfriend is white. My previous boyfriends were black and like I said my boyfriend was my first, but I've seen and done stuff with the others... anyway my boyfriend has become obsessed with his size and always compares it to black guys because of the stupid stereotype. I ensure him that it doesn't matter and I love him very much. But it's starting to get out of hand. He puts himself down and says that I'll eventually leave him for someone better because he can't please me the way I should be. Him saying things like that is completely ridiculous and untrue. But even when I tell him over and over he isn't ever confident. Now whenever we are intimate, right afterward he'll turn away from me and go into a shell (turn his back to me and put his head under a pillow or he'll just go into a different room), I understand that he feels the way he does, but it also makes me feel awful when he shuts down and turns away from me like that. then it makes me feel like it's me. He's starting to make me mad. and I tell him he's acting like a little boy. that doesn't help. so I try to soothe him, rub his back, cuddle, ect. and he still feels inadequate.. I love him more than anything, but like I said it's ridiculous and nothing I say changes his mind. This has never been such a problem before, it kind of came out of nowhere.. I'm not going to leave him, but I don't know what to do about it.. I want to bring up him going to therapy for his low self-esteem..or we could even go together, but I need advice..

[Anonymous]

My ex was JUST like this, except he put himself down about being a 'good man' all together. He always told me things like, "How can you stand me? I'm an a**hole, and I don't deserve you blah blah blah, you should just leave me already." and I always tried my best to tell him how much I loved him, and how much of a sweetheart I really thought he was. He seemed to liked being told these things (and to be honest, he REALLY needed someone in his life who told him good things about himself. His own family were all total jerks to him, it's no wonder why he had these confidence issues). But all in all, the big picture was that he was very weak minded from being conditioned all his life to being so co-dependent and passive-aggressive. He'd completely given in to learned helplessness. I eventually had to break up with him after the things he did kept getting more and more drastic.

As for your boyfriend, it does sound like he's being a bit of a bitch about it (no offense) and he probably doesn't realize how much of a friggin turn off it is. All he needs to care about is how happy he makes you, which I'm sure you've told him over and over. I think you've done your part, and you're doing the best you possibly can. The rest is up to him. He needs to start accepting himself for who he is, and loving his body for the way it is. If he's really feeling like he's so inadequate, then something he could be doing is learning how to get more creative in bed. Maybe he doesn't like the size of his penis, but perhaps he has great tongue or finger action if you're into that. Maybe he can start coming up with as many different ways as possible to give you an orgasm, if he feels like his penis is not enough. I'm not totally sure what can be done though, if he's not willing to quit sabotaging his own self esteem.

I know first hand what it's like to feel something so negative about yourself, that nothing anyone says can convince you otherwise. There's literally nothing you can say or even do to change this state of mind. All you can do is show your support, but don't tire yourself out over it, really. It's hard not to get to the point to where you just want to bash it into their thick skulls that there's nothing wrong, but if you lose your cool, he'll feed off of that anger JUST to use it as more substance to degrade himself with further, and that may not turn out very pretty.

Therapy sounds like a good idea, if you really want a shot at saving the relationship. But once again, it can only work if he's willing to really come out of that shell, otherwise there's nothing anyone can do or say that will change his mind. He needs to first realize that his behavior is self destructive, and that he's acting like a little child. After he realizes that, he'll be open enough to good treatment for it to really be effective. If he can even just do that, then going to therapy shouldn't be needed.

[LalaH]

I understand your situation completely. I'm black and my boyfriend is white and he does the same thing. We're going to college but we're going to separate colleges (still relatively close to each other) and one day If texted me and asked "what if I met some black guy and he's bigger than him" and he's afraid that I'll just leave him. He's actually bigger than average, my boyfriend. He is just to stuck on his size and on doubts on whether he's good enough for me. Sometimes its very frustrating. Sometimes it makes me sad. They should understand that we love them for everything they are and that's the reason we're with them. Tell your boyfriend, have a talk with him. Tell him you are with him for him. You didn't fall in love with him for the size of his penis. You fell in love with him for him. Tell him you accept him the way he is and what makes who he is is why you love him. Everything extra is just a plus. Icing on the cake. I hope it works out. :)

[sarcasticbella]

well, does he please you sexually? Because I know first hand how easy it is to ignore our sexual pleasure because were just content being in love. You mention how much you love him and you say its crazy for him to feel insecure, but you didn't mention if you enjoy your sex life. No matter what you say if you do not reach orgasm and he does he's going to feel like its unfair and its his fault for not being able to please you. I had a guy just like that, but he was too big. Its not about size at all since few women have vaginal orgasms. If the issue is that he wants to please you then show him how to do that whether it be through oral, masturbation, however. I'm sure if he see's you being just as physically satisfied there will be no more talk of inadequacy.

[MrOracle]

What you NEED to do is tell him what you told us: that he's making you feel like YOU aren't good enough (that's not the problem, but he's making you feel that way). If that doesn't fix this, nothing will.

It might also help if you tell him how much you love his penis, and how good it feels inside you and how much pleasure he gives you. That's what he's really worried about, so if you tell him, in graphic detail, how good it is for you, that will make him feel better. It's HUGELY important for a guy's ego (most guys, anyway) to know that he is able to pleasure his girl, and to be sexually desired by his girl. He doesn't seem to feel that way, and I'm not saying that this is your fault, because clearly HE has an obsession with size that you don't, but if you can make him feel sexually desired by you, like his penis is the only one in the world for you, that will probably help him.

And if not, then he probably can't be helped.

[aventaes]

I used to date a girl who was insecure about her breasts I think they are great but I never was able to convince her that they r. I really hate it and its frustrating :s. Hope you find some way to deal with this but I don't know how to help you, I do sympathise however.

[elliesaur]

Act like him and see how he takes it. Another stereotype going around is that black women also have larger vaginas, and are especially compared to Asian women who are thought to have the smallest ones. Make his issue about you and blame yourself for not satisfying him, then maybe he'll see how ridiculous he's acting. If all fails, I really don't know.

[haleyyyyy]

make sure he knows you're not with him solely for sex, even though he probs knows, reminding him might help

you're with him, and not someone else because of his personality and all the other great things about him

[kheserthorpe]

Pretend you're sore afterward and you need to be held.

[justme20]

he just needs to stop comparing himself to black men and be happy with what he has. I'm black and my boyfriend is white and I lost my virginity to him. no matter the race you can still get pleasure

[Kabluie]

I wish he would not compare himself to others, he is "unique" in his own way. You can help encourage him that is the case with re-assuring comments during sex. How hot he turns you on and stuff :)

[buzzzone]

I would just say encouraging things while and after the sex. The media has made guys insecure. like they should have monster penises like they have been through a nuclear reactor or that they should be circumcised etc.. blah... they are not a guys imperfections. You seem like a smart person and if size doesn't matter to you, you should tell him. this will boost his self confidence. Lying is not that bad :-).

[Anonymous]

Once the seed is planted there is no getting rid of it.

[Asker]

what do you mean ..

[Opinion Owner]

Once a guy starts second guessing his size be it from something women said, a bad experience or more rarely your boyfriends situation, it doesn't stop, it never does.

[Anonymous]

it sounds like you should talk to him and see what is going on inside. therapy sounds good

[Anonymous]

Acting like that really gets the girls moist, doesn't it? If telling him to stop being a baby doesn't work, maybe you should move on. Maybe dating black women shouldn't be something he should get himself into until he gets over this.