My girlfriend got the chemically induced abortion and I don't know what to tell her now...?

Question

I don't want any bullsh*t answers about how we should have done this/that.  If you really care, you would help me.  The decision was split between both of us.  She wanted to keep it and I wanted to abort it.  It still hurt me very much to ask her to do that but we were in no financially stable to raise a kid with us plus she also already has a kid right now about to turn 3.  So we came to consensus of getting the chemically induced abortion which causes a forced miscarriage.  I did not pressure her into this, it was a CONSENSUS.  To fast forward a bit, it is now 2 weeks later and everything went accordingly with no complications medically.  It is more the psychological harm that's having an affect on her right now.  I am still hurt by it but I don't regret any decisions I have made as every experience shapes the person who you are and gives you new wisdom.  She is obviously more affected by it though than I am.  But I just don't know what to tell her.  She is greatly affected by it at night time for some reason more so than during than day.  I understand that it could be cause everybody reflects on themselves at night time before they sleep etc...but the past 2 nights I was able to spend with her she had a breakdown each night.  As I was trying to hold her close to me, I was a loss of words.  I didn't know what to say as the only thing that came to mind is, "Everything will be OK and you can't live with regrets."  But for some reason she has been trying to suppress these feelings which in result caused these breakdowns.  She said the reason why she was doing that was because my 21st is next weekend and that I shouldn't be stressing out about her.  As I was reassuring her that her welfare was important to me, it just seemed like what I said wasn't getting across to her.  Nothing that I say is getting across to her.  I know this is still a fresh wound, but I want to make the best possible move in handling this situation with her cause I care very much about her.  No I'm not breaking up with her but I just want some different perspectives and advice on this because I really need the help...

selfishstars · Accepted Answer

Because I noticed that a lot of people are talking about the psychological impact of having an abortion, I want to point out that studies have shown that women who have abortions are not more likely to experience mental health problems in their lives, and while there are some studies that say they are, these studies (usually meta-analyses) have a lot of bias and other flaws and receive a lot of criticism in the scientific community.

That said, clearly your girlfriend is having difficulty dealing with this. It may be related to her personal views on abortion (especially if she views a fetus as a "baby"), mixed messages and false information from society about abortion, etc. It might be compounded by the fact that she already has a child, so she knows what it's like to have a child and is grieving "what could have been". You haven't really said why she didn't want an abortion and what her views on abortion are, etc.

In my opinion, she made a good decision. I don't think it's right to bring a child into the world that you can't provide for adequately. That said, she's still very entitled to her feelings, and though you may not have directly pressured her, just knowing that you wanted her to go through with the abortion probably affected her decision greatly (that said, there's not a lot that you can do about that, since it is something that the two of you needed to discuss with each other).

You aren't going to say any magic words that make her feel better. It will probably take time (keep in mind that it's only been two weeks). What you can do is be there for her to comfort her and listen to her when/if she wants to talk about it. It may be helpful for her to seek professional counselling/therapy to help her process her feelings (avoid religious-based counselors or therapists, as they may cause more harm to her than good).

nikki9090 · Accepted Answer

I am sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend's situation. I think you should both find some time for each other and go somewhere quiet, maybe the beach or a walk in a park/forest. Just take the time to look and see everything else in life other than your worries. Sometimes all you need is a little bit of nature and fresh air to free your mind from the stresses of every day life.
If she needs her space, give it to her without argument and go back to her when she's ready. Hold her like you said you do and reassure her that everything will be okay. If talking causes an argument between the both of you, I suggest writing to each other. (not texting) but sit and write out your feelings, plans for the future and what you want to do to make the relationship work. And tell her in your letter to write back. Sometimes it's hard to talk face to face and get out all your feelings without being interrupted, which leads to arguments. Also think of a project that maybe both of you have been wanting to start or do, which will help her focus more on that instead of thinking about what happened.
I hope this kinda helps..let me know how it goes. Good luck :)

Izzy2102 · Accepted Answer

I know you didn't want to hear it, but you guys should have known before that she may have trouble with this, partiuclary because she first wanted the child and did it for financial reasons mostly? It's very very common in women who have an abortion, to horribly regret it and often that lasts for years or even a lifetime to some degree.

You may not have pressured her, but she may have felt that she has other choice given the circumstances.
All you can do know is get professional help, reassure her that it was the right decision that she shouldn't feel bad. She may feel as if she killed her child, regardless of what you think of it, you should ressure her that she didn't "kill" her child. And try to get her to focus on her work or hobby, but there is nothing you can do to magically make her feel better, it'll just take time

As it is so common I would also guess there is tons of advice on the internet. And you don't know what she feels like I would strongly recommend reading stories of women who have been through this to get a better understanding. Just some examples link link

ElijahCynicism · Accepted Answer

She's probably caught in a very terrible thing... Obviously, getting rid of a child is a big deal to her, considering she wanted to keep it. She saw it your way eventually, but only through logic and not heart. Her heart is now blaming her - as a result, it's likely she's blaming YOU, hence her breakdowns occurring when you and her should and generally do become intimate, at nighttime. However, she knows it's not your fault, again, through logic, she knows it really has nothing to do with you, and so it's turned back on her SELF by her heart. And she's in a very low and spiralling place.

The best thing you can do is just wait it out for a while. There are two ways this could happen; eventually the spiral passes as she moves on with her life, that comes from a lot of love, support and talking, and most of the talking has to come from someone who isn't YOU, so for a while there will be a lot of distance.

The other way is peeling back those freudian layers of emotion to reveal something. As in... She'll eventually regress into being mad at you again, because that's where her being mad at herself comes from. Then, that will pass, and she'll cleanse the BLAME from her system. Then she'll regress back into blaming herself again, for killing that unborn child. She'll feel very bad about that. And then, she'll move past that freely unsullied by blame, and she'll be confronted with the REASON she's beating herself up so much about the child, the real reason behind all of it and much more, because this is obviously much more than a moral obligation. This is something that goes right back to childhood, this is something that defines all of her cosmos.

All you can do is love and support her, understand and be patient. Good luck.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

She is going to be damaged for the rest of her life by this. I'm not an advocate one way or the other on abortion but it's proven women who have an abortion have emotional trauma, more health problems, and are likely to die earlier. Your girl went through a great trauma you or I can never understand. Women are nurturing by nature so what she did was against her nature and she will always have what if thoughts and feel guilty about this. She will never fully recover but hopefully she gets better. She needs therapy in my opinion.

LJHam · Answer

Sorry you're in such a tough situation. Having never been pregnant, I cannot imagine what's going through her mind. Perhaps she feels like she's done something wrong? It also could be hormonal changes as well.

As her boyfriend I think the only thing you can do is be supportive. Keep reminding her that you love her. Since you both agreed this wasn't the right time for the two of you to have a baby, then it sounds like this was a good decision.

I think more than anything you need to be okay with whatever she's feeling. Be okay with her breaking down. Acknowledge her feelings and accept them. Just because you don't feel the same way doesn't mean you're a bad guy or that she's over reacting. You simply have different emotions over the situation. I imagine it's just going to take time before she's able to get over this and move on. Remember, women are more emotional than men. It's just the way we're wired. Accept her the way she is, and accept her feelings.

peace-love-couture · Answer

The damage is done and time will heal

It'll be interesting to see whether guys on here will throw a fit over this situation the same way they do when the female gets an abortion on her own. You may not regret it but maybe she does. It's great to think about yourself and all, but it's a done deal and time will help it move sooner

Olivia9 · Answer

Hmm. Well since everything is said and done maybe it isn't what you should say or how you should say it since that isn't working. Perhaps you should simply listen, maybe that is what she needs more than anything right now a confidant, a person that can listen to all of her worries and not tell her not to feel upset or not to feel guilty but just to hear her out and let her get everything out . Since she is keeping everything inside which results in these breakdowns as you mentioned above. Just be there to listen and not place judgement good or bad but assure her that no matter what you will be there.

samhradh_leannan · Answer

I think you should encourage her to see a therapist about this. It's probably the only thing that will help her heal. Having an abortion when you want one is difficult enough; if she initially had reservations about it she is probably experiencing some serious emotional trauma right now. It may be too big for her to get over on her own, and helping her to seek professional help as soon as possible is probably the most proactive thing you can do.

whattothink · Answer

Abortion has very serious physical and mental consequences. I will not preach about it but she needs to see somebody because women that have abortions are at a much higher risk of serious depression and suicide than women that don't.

CatholicVirginia · Answer

There's no way to get her past it. She has to mourn the baby and get over it in her own time. She lost a child that was in her body. You have no idea what she's going through. Yes, you were its father, but A. You wanted it dead and B. It was not INSIDE of you. AND she already has another baby. Sure, you may think it was consensual (although don't give me that crap about not pressuring her, because your whole post is one big pressurized atom bomb waiting to explode) but she is affected much more than you will ever be. She needs to go through it like a death. It was a death to her. Let her know you care about her, but give her her time alone to grieve. She probably blames you for not supporting her decision to have it and may not want you around as much. You might just be salt in the wound.

Either way, let her know you love her, be extra supportive, do NOT fight with her (she may try to pick fights), and just let her grieve.

Hadleee · Answer

Just let her know that its not that you didn't want to have it, just that it wasn't the right time. Also recognize that she is very hurt about it, let her know that you do realize how hurt she is and that it hurts you to see her like this and that you love her. Tell her that you know its a big deal and that you aren't just going to slough it off because you're 21st is coming up. Just be really open and say everything you are feeling, because with girls, sometimes we need to know exactly what you are feeling also.

Lakeburn · Answer

Been there, man.  While it may have been a consensus, she knows it was ultimately her decision.  Be reassuring, supportive and strong and give her time.

justme20 · Answer

she killed YOUR child. what do you expect to tell her? be completely honest with how you feel.

NAUTICA902 · Answer

How long was she pregnant?

7gnat · Answer

At this point you can only be her friend. Be there for her when she needs you and if she needs space give her that. Maybe therapy of some kind can help. Do not push her with anything but stay positive and keep positive energy around her and hopefully it will rub off on her.

LovelyAttraction · Answer

Well if you really like this girl, I mean REALLY like her, tell her you love her. Tell her that you're sorry about the abortion. That you want to make it up but you dot know how because she isn't talking. I've never been pregnant but can imagine what she going through. She grieving, she lost her baby and she's very sad, for now she's going to need someone to hold her at night when she cries and help her, man up, and be that person, that stepping stone for her.

Anonymous · Answer

She needs to see a therapist or talk to someone about it. Even if she did agree and feel that the abortion was the right thing to do, some women still have issues with it afterward. All you can do is be there for her and comfort her, but please do reassure her that if she feels she needs to see someone about it that you support her 100 percent.