I did the most shameful thing of my life, and I hate my self for it. I need to fix it.

I was on vacation with my best friend for the 4th. I was really messed up that night and we found out some people from our home town had got a beach house too. They told us to come over and when we got there this guy I've had a crush on from the first day I met him was there. My friend and I were the only girls at that point. I started talking to him and flirting with him, his boys were trying to talk to me. He told them to back off. We started taking shots. Then my girl went in to the rooms with this guy. Then it got awkward because one of the guys that was there was trying to get me to go to the bed room with him. I shut him down and the guy I like seam happy then we started kissing. Things got hot and I grabbed his hand and we went to the bed room. We ended up hooking up, it was sweet and so nice and I felt tingles all over and that hasn't happened to that extent before. At random times I get flash backs of it and It makes me melt. When we finished we decided to go for a walk on the beach, we talked about everything, We talked about things he doesn't talk about with any one. It was perfect. Once we got to the house all these new people I've never met where there. My friends wanted to go for a walk so I whispered in his ear " when I get back we're gonna finish what we started" he smiled and I kissed him. so when I get back from the walk more people were at the house. I started getting insecure. we went to the room and I started sucking. Then some people walked in and we stopped quickly. He told me he was gonna go out on the deck to talk to his friend. At this point I felt like he was blowing me off. I sat on the bed in the room just thinking about what I should do. Then the guy that tried to get me to come in to the room with him before came in with a bottle. I got up to leave and he was like "don't go I'm just trying to get away from every one, plus dealing with some family drama (then he told me about the family stuff), are you okay?" And I was like "I'm sorry about what's going on, and yeah just tired" they he was like "where's your man?" me- "he's not my man" him- "but you want him to be" me- "yeah, but he probably just played me out." him- "we'll he's stupid, If I had a chance with you I'd never let you go." me- "Yeah" So I started to feel comfortable, we started drinking then people came into the room. It was awkward because this guy was laying on the bed and I was sitting on it drinking and the guy I liked was sitting on the other bed. I went to the other bed and he ignored me. Then everyone left again including my crush and I was mad, stupid, drunk. The guy asked me to stay with him. I started pouring out my feelings one thing lead to another and we ended up hooking up. I HATE MY SELF. I don't even remember how it happened. It wasn't worth it. I feel sick to my stomach and I can't make this feeling go away. I tried to apologize. He won't talk to me at all. I need the best apology ever what should I do? I NEED HELP! Don't lecture.
Updates:
+1 y
I was drinking that night because I've been going through a lot of stuff and I just wanted an escape. Since then I have decided to do a month long detox program, I don't wan't any unhealthy habbits any more. He made me feel unwanted that night, and I didn't know he would even care until after it happened. If he forgave me and wanted to be with me some day I'd be the happiest girl in the world.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Look, there's nothing much to say. You went on vacation, and you fell for the "romance" of the vacation hookup and let a guy use you for sex. And then you continued to get drunk and let another guy use you for sex. The guys had their fun, and got what they wanted, but they never had any intention of it being anything more than that. And the fact that you had sex with them without being in a relationship meant that they'd never take you seriously as a girlfriend anyway.

    Basically, you broke the rules by sleeping with a guy outside of a relationship, and now you want some magic answer to make the guy want something more. There isn't one. All he wanted was sex, and you gave it to him, and now he's done with you. Guys will do that if you let them, and in this case, YOU LET THEM.

    You can't undo it, and you can't "fix it", so all you can do is LEARN FROM IT. If you don't like this feeling of being used, then you need to NOT have sex with guys who aren't your boyfriend, NO MATTER WHAT, and you need to NOT put yourself in situations where you might make a stupid decision, such as drinking around a group of guys without a good friend to watch you and make sure you don't make a mistake.

    Lots of girls make this same mistake, and they too feel hurt and used, and like you, they have only themselves to blame. Learn from this, and be a lot smarter in the future. Live is NOT a romantic comedy or a Disney movie, and your actions have consequences. You have to be a lot smarter if you want to win at life, so change your thinking and your attitude, and BE SMARTER, and you'll be fine.

    You aren't "damaged goods" or anything, you just made some mistakes. Get over it, move on, and don't look back.

    • i agree with you on some point. but I don't think you should use the word ""used"" for her. she is a human being, not a toothbrush.say that they took advantage of her feelings. :))

  • This guy only wanted one thing, because if he really was interested, he would not of stopped liking you because of what you done, he has no say who you kiss/hook up with, so he would of wanted to make sure he didn't lose you to this other guy and made more of an effort to make you his girl, but as he didnt, he was only after one thing, and the fact that he saw you with another guy told him he had blew his chance, so really, a good thing happened because you stopped this guy using you and treating you like dirt afterward, a lucky escape, call it fate, but your worth more than what this guy would of shown you,x

Most Helpful Girls

  • you should be genuine and sincere. tell him how you felt, why you did it, why you regret it, and how you felt afterward. you need to realize that everybody makes mistakes and that no one can take them back but everyone can learn from them. you did not have a commitment to this guy at the time. I'm not saying what you did was right but you need to know that no one should feel like they have the power to control you, and you shouldn't let anyone control you. now you can say that you were drinking at the time but you cannot blame your actions on the booze. take responsibility for what you did, own up to your actions and let your emotions show through. you are only human and you can't expect yourself or anyone else to be perfect or anywhere near perfect.

  • it's OK. relax. you messed up your chance with the guy you like. but it is not the end of the world.

    I hardly think that the guy you like will try to have a relationship with you now. I think you hooking up with his friend is a little too much for anyone to take. Either stop thinking about him or talk to him after much time has gone past. okay? and stop punishing yourself with all this self criticism. you are young , you are single and you made a blunder. it is ok

  • It is simply a night where two different guys wanted to f*ck you and both were able to complete their mission! You got to have some mind blowing sex with two guys and should not be embarrassed or ashamed! He will get over it and will give you another go!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • sounds like fun but you are concerned. message if ya want. been in sort of the same and it is going great right now. not a guarantee but a data point. later

  • all you can do is show him that that's not who you are and hope he believes it. sounds like you're on the right track and even if he isn't interested anymore at least you have realized that you need to change how you're handling your feelings and not be self destructive which is what happened that night. You can't let OTHER people make you do things that you will feel badly about later. Sometimes life just is about lessons. Learn from them...and it sounds like you did.