Do girls prefer gentle kindness, or aggression & dominance?

[Anonymous]

So this is a dilemma that I think all guys can attest to being in at one point in time. I really find it hard to discern which women prefer or when. On one hand women always talk about wanting to be respected, treated with kindness, placed as their man's equal, not pressured into sex, etc. Yet on the other hand, the actions of many women speak otherwise. They read and love books like 50 shades of gray, they date jerks, and complain when their guy is too nice or doesn't dominate them and tell them what to do. I remember a girl on this site actually posting a question that described a friend of hers ordering her to do something for him in a rude way and how it actually turned her on. Surprisingly tons of other responders all agreed they love similar treatment by men. Essentially women say they want kindness and respect, but fantasize about dominance and being submissive. So which one is it? I feel there is a fine line here that us guys walk between being too nice or to mean. So help me out ladies, explain all this to me.

[selfishstars]

Personally, I want a guy who respects me, treats me with kindness, treats me as an equal, and doesn't pressure me into doing things I'm not comfortable with.

But I also prefer a guy who is confident and assertive (not dominant). I find that many guys confuse these things with dominance.

I see a guy as confident and assertive as a guy who is willing to take initiative, speak his mind, call me out on bad behavior , and not let me walk all over him. He can take charge, but he doesn't feel the need to be in control all/most of the time. He respects my opinions and is open to them, but is willing to disagree with me.

I see a dominant guy as one who always wants to be in control, tells me what to do, always wants to be the one to make decisions, thinks that his opinions or wants take precedence over mine, etc.

I think what's important to note is that what someone wants in their relationship isn't always the same as what they want in the bedroom/what turns them on. Think of it as kind of similar to when guys say they want "a lady in the streets, a freak in the sheets".

Personally, a guy who can be dominant in the bedroom is a turn-on for me, and I find that's true for a lot of women. I suspect that it has a lot to do with our animalistic urges. A man who will take control, ravage you, etc. makes him seem very "masculine". It can also make a woman feel very desired.

Female socialization likely plays a role in this too. Many women are kind of meek/shy when it comes to sex, so it makes it easier for them when a guy takes control. Many women are also taught that they shouldn't really want sex, or that they should only want vanilla, loving, gentle sex, but when they do want sex, or want rough/kinky sex, having a guy who will tell them what to do might alleviate some of the guilt they feel for wanting it themselves.

But the main point here is: Sexual desires/turn-ons aren't always rational, and they don't always match up with what we rationally want. Wanting a guy to dominate you sexually does not mean you want a guy who doesn't respect you; and wanting a guy to dominate you sexually does not mean that you want a guy who treats you like sh*t in the other aspects of your relationship.

[jenniferjean]

...my boyfriend is real gentle and I love him but gosh I wish that during sex he be a bit more aggressive some days...though some days I prefer him being gentle so it really just depends on the day and my mood.

i would never though want my boyfriend to be aggressive and dominate outside of sex though, its a turn on for me personally during sex and if it isn't taken to far I like a guy who knows what he wants isn't afraid to say/do it

in all honesty I think it depends on the girl some girls like the aggression some like gentle and some like both if your not sure ask her I'm sure she'll tell you if she wants it rough or not it also just like me could depend on how they feel that day.

[RaijuRainBird]

Bummer. I don’t have an ounce of ‘dominant’ traits in me. The idea of hurting someone intentionally makes me feel repulsed and disgusted. I guess I fundamentally lack qualities that make would make me sexually attractive. This is why I’ve theorized that sex is inherently dark and violent in nature. To me sex is just a fun thing like eating ice cream or playing a sport. I do not see it as some ventilation for built up darkness muffled by society because I don’t seem to experience anything like that. Either that or it’s the opposite and I’m actually way darker deep down than other people, and I repress it because I’d be scared of seeing what would come out if I let it out. I’m not sure which it is, but it’s one of these. Currently though, I don’t desire to be aggressive. I’d rather have ‘goofy sex with giggling and genuine happiness.’ Now it’s also possible I’m taking this too extremely. Maybe women mean significantly less aggression than I have in mind.

[RaijuRainBird]

When I read your answer I’m imagining punches to the face or hard slapping with the intention of leaving wounds and injuries like bruises or orthopedic damage such as fractures in bones, etc. Like a punching bag. I’d like to know if this is what women mean. If so, that’s shocking, and it would be quite the spectacle to literally beat the shit out of someone during sex, like a bout in the octagon. If it’s way less extreme than that I’m not sure how that works. Pretend punches that are weaker than true punches to prevent injuries? Gentle slaps? What about weapons? Stabbing with pins and needles to draw blood? Whips? I don’t understand. For me sex is just to make my penis tingle and burn so I feel good. It’s not for me to beat some else’s ass in the process. If I wanted that I’d join mixed martial arts and fight in a ring. I’d love clarification on what it is, because I’ve lost relationships because I wasn’t interested in aggression.

[RaijuRainBird]

The only other option that appears to me is straight up rape. Just see someone hot, go grab them and pin them down, pull off their pants and fuck them. That’s straight up rape. That’s not aggression, that’s just extreme selfishness. Maybe this is what you mean? Could it just be that women want to be raped in this way, but only to those they consent to raping them? This actually sounds more correct to me. I could see how restraining and pinning someone down to do what you want without regard to them would be primal. But then, if consent is given, then it’s no longer primal because the exciting part is that you do it without caring about what they think. If it’s consenual then it’s no longer rape. Any sort of restraint is then no longer necessary because there’s no longer any need nor is there any resistence fight off. I guess if it were consensual to ‘act’ out a rape scene that would be the best compromise? If this is what women are talking about?

[Esoteric_Passion]

Just like what others have said, be both! There has to be a balance between the qualities. Yes it's true that women fantasize about being submissive and having a man completely dominate them.. but most of the time they are just fantasies, it doesn't mean we want them to be realities. We don't actually want to be sex slaves or be abused.(at least I don't!) If anything, those fantasies are just for the bedroom ;)

[Anonymous]

I partially agree with anon.

Partially its maybe a matter of reading women.

And partially maybe its about being the man you are and finding a woman who wants THAT type of man.

What's a challenge is that some of us are maybe more egalitarian outside the bedroom but want to be dominant inside, and its hard to communicate that.

The other 'challenge' is that many of us didn't look for compatibility on this issue, we just assume you find someone you like and sex will work out.

[Asker]

I've thought about that too. It comes down the particular women and you have to try and read her. Hard to tell. I want to be able to really turn a women on and get her blood pumping, but I'm afraid that for some women it may cross the line.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you should do what YOU find comfortable and hot, and find a girl who wants THAT.

[RaijuRainBird]

That seems right, unless your attracted physically to people you aren’t mentally comfortable acting a certain way with. These things can come apart and be disconnected.

[Anonymous]

You can be dominant and respectful.

Just take charge.

[Asker]

I realize that, but many female actions don't support that. I know it sounds cliche, but It's quite disturbing how women quite literally fantasize about being borderline abused, yelled at, and treated like a sex slave.

[Opinion Owner]

A real man, the sort the girls fantasise about, doesn't give two sh*ts if "female actions support that" or not. He's a man and he'll act like a man, because he's a man and can't NOT act like a man. He doesn't focus group his actions to death by checking with a hundred different women.

[RaijuRainBird]

Welp. Guess I’m not a man then. My inclination to this attitude is to tell people who disagree with me to ‘fuck off’ and then keep doing what I want without giving a shot if women hate it. I’m egalitarian in the bedroom, so what. Fuck off about it. And that’s true, but then, if I am losing relationships because I refuse to physically hurt people it’s slightly concerning to me. Not because of what people think, but because of my opinion of these other people.

[Gawesome]

Simple...be both! You can be nice and respectable but still have a 'take charge' and assertive attitude. You don't have to be a jerk or 'bad boy' to show confidence and assertiveness.

[ambershere]

I love when kissing starts slow and soft and progresses to deep hard soul kisses..And the same for sex I love to start with passion and reach stages of rough wild sex with a guy dominating the end of our night together

[Cuddle_Muffin]

I like both.

[Asker]

Exactly! so when do you like each? Do you prefer each type of behavior during different situations?

[Cuddle_Muffin]

Yeah.

[Asker]

Can you be specific as to when you might like a guy to be a bit more kind and gentle and when you would prefer he be a bit more dominant?