Is is normal for my boyfriend to secretly watch porn while I'm in a different room?

[Heather_rd]

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we have now been living together for over a year. Since we have been living together I have found porn on his computer multiple times. When I confront him he denies watching it and he says he don't know how it got there. I know he lying because we have separate computers and we allow no one except each other to use the computers. When I look at his history on his computer he always watching it while I'm in the next room doing something or like sleeping. Is it normal for him not to just come to me to get some? Since this has been going on my self esteem has really took a toll. I have no more confidence in my looks or sex life. We are engaged and are supposed to get married this month and I'm currently 5 months pregnant and now that these events are reoccurring I've beginning to become very depressed. Our relationship is really good besides these reoccurring porn events. If you have any opinions or you can relate please reply. Thanks.

[acote]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. We haven't been the conventional couple since day one really. When we first met he stayed at my apartment pretty much every night. So we have basically lived together from the start. It is only now that we are 10 months in and that I officially moved in with him that I have become aware of his p*rn habits.

One morning I woke up to find the bed next to me empty. I wandered drowsily into the living room to find him and there he was, choking his chicken if you will, with his laptop on his knees. I was very offended and upset, wondering why he chose that instead of me, when I was in our very own bed. It hurt to say the least and I let him know it. He promised that it wouldn't happen again, I forgave him, and I thought it was over. About a week went by and I got curious and checked his history on his laptop to find that he was still watching p*rn at night while I slept, unaware. I let him know again that I was very upset and felt disrespected by it. He agreed that it was wrong for him to do it, but said he only promised that I would never CATCH him again, not that he would stop looking.

I was not pleased with this response so I even went to stay with my parents for a week in a different state. He acted very sad, and called me a lot while I was gone. I thought for sure he got the picture and we would be able to put this p*rn behind us. Boy was I wrong!

This very morning I could hear a strange noise coming from our bathroom just feet from our bed where I was laying. I peaked through the crack of the door and saw his head bobbing like crazy. His laptop was open on the floor and I could just barely see some girls naked ass moving around.

I try to tell myself that he is a male, he needs his fix, and that I shouldn't let it make me feel any differently about myself. But as you know, that is much easier said than done. I have a high sex drive, Id be happy getting it more than once a day, everyday. So he can't say it is because I'm not always in the mood.

Its a tough thing to deal with. It drives us crazy and makes us feel ugly. So what can we do? I've been mulling it over in my mind for weeks now and I just feel helpless. All I've been able to do is read about other couples and talk to people to get their opinions. Everyone says it is not right and disrespectful. So now that I know I'm not crazy for feeling upset, I just need someone who knows a solution, if there even is one.

[hellionthesage]

Do you look at porn? For guys sex drive is diffrent then a womans. Your feeling like he is valuing porn over you and that is not true, maybe try looking at porn yourself, or incorporating it into your sex (my ex watched porn and we even watched it together). Sometimes I would watch porn when I could have had sex (on occasion) just because I didn't want to have to spend time with foreplay then going down on her then thinking about baseball (ignoring my own pleasure) just to make sure she orgasmed. Despite what a lot of people seem to think guys usually put in a lot of effort into pleasing there women (whether or not she notices is a diffrent matter) so it could be he just wants a quicky that he can just enjoy without worring about whether or not you are enjoying yourself. He is with you for a reason if he didn't value you he would be with someone else. Try asking him why he watches, don't accuse or get upset it will only make him withdraw, but ask because you want to know.

[Justdevastated70]

I caught my boyfriend watching porn while I was lying beside asleep in bed last night... First, I tried to pretend I didn't see it.. But, it was eating away me. So, when I did say something he used the excuse that I was asleep... I said you couldn't have woke me up like a normal couple... My self esteem is shattered, I'm now wondering what's wrong with me and I have a great body... But, still obviously he doesn't think so now... I cried myself back to sleep last night and we've not spoken much today... I'm heartbroken and humiliated

[SamiSkittles]

I wouldn't call it normal- but I would guess that he's embarrassed that you caught him, and he may be [ahem] Sexually frustrated. Try putting a little make-up on before he gets home. Hug him, kiss him. Let him know he's valued and loved. If you're uncomfortable having sex, cuddle. If you're okay with it- pounce him. He may be worried about sex because you're going to have his baby; but don't worry- it's okay to have sex while being pregnant.

I've never- experienced this; but I wish you good luck.

[desiperry84]

I think that if you tell him how you feel and he seems to understand you, how can he go behind your back and watch them? If he felt that it wasn't wrong he wouldn't hide it. He's selfish and inconsiderate but if you love him enough it's worth it to stay. The question is how much does he care. Not just about you- about your feelings? That's just my opinion...

[hellionthesage]

He is hiding it because it upsets you. It isn't about you sometimes a guy wants to just get a quick one in without having to worry if his girl came or not or how much foreplay etc. It could be that he feels like you are unavailable to him or perhaps he doesn't want to bother you. The fact is if it upsets you he is going to hide it from you. Sex for men is physical in nature and can get to a point where the need to get off becomes like an itch that needs to be scratched and if he feels you are unwilling or not in the mood or don't want to do the same sexual acts he wants (oral, anal etc) then he will most likely use porn as an outlet to relieve himself and to make sure you are not made uncomfortable with his requests etc. How exactly did you confront him? Where you accusing, or jokingly bringing it up? This is what probably dictated his response. Sometimes we get so caught up in how we feel we forget that other people do to. So just communicate with him, your having his baby and he is with you so obviously he cares about you, chances are there is a benign reason for him watching it, hell if you watch it with him it would probably be a turn on for him because he can express himself sexually and know that you are not going to judge him.

[palek]

I'm unaware of your religious background, if any, but, aside from moral issues, porn can create a strain on a marriage. Case in point, you're pregnant, and susceptible to feelings of not being as physically attractive in this regard. Though, apparently, his use of porn as an outlet for sexual release, is not related to your pregnancy, it only makes you wonder if you're condition is part of the problem. As you said, "your self esteem has really took a toll". Of course, the longer a relationship goes on, it's not abnormal for the sexual element to decrease a bit, but we usually do all we can to keep it fresh. Viewing porn in private, only exacerbates the problem. I can't give any advice on how to improve the situation, but I agree that it is a problem. All the best.

[gravygirl]

It's normal, yeah. Damn near every guy looks at porn, whether they are getting laid or not.

[nana112364]

All guys like porn but some don't want there partner to know about it because of embarrassment, jealousy etc... The best way to get over it is to go buy a porn movie and watch it with him or be watching it when he comes in the room. It will benefit both of you and maybe help him out with knowing you understand and don't have a problem watching it with him.

[metaldave20]

well when were not with u, we need to do something, ya know?

even if we don't have a gf, we still gotta do it, its just a natural thing

oh and its been proven that if you do it at least once a day, you decrease your risk of cancer

[l-hedoniste]

If he has the discretion to quietly watch porn on his own separate computer, why would you snoop into his history for confirmation? Snooping is a danger sign even if he were innocent--an instant deal breaker for some guys.

In the long run, this fight isn't worth having. He's done a lot to make-believe he doesn't watch porn. You can do a little.

[fleeble]

I'm engaged and sometimes watch porn when I have nothing better to do. It has nothing to do with her other than the fact that she wasn't available for sex at the time.

[islandcutie]

Tell him how you feel, tell him that when he watches porn that he's hurting you.

[here4you]

you should tell him the majority

of what you just posted

such as "I have no more confidence in my looks or sex life"

[hhH2traveler]

Yah, its normal for men (and women too) to watch porn even if their in a relationship, its different than penetrative sex, it doesn't mean he finds you any less attractive, you can't look like a variety of a million women and be as good at showing off over a hundred sexual techniques. As long as he loves having sex with you more than any other woman thats enough, and he doesn't want to wake you every time he wants sex and might be able to do somethings better than you can when touching his own body so theirs that.

[TwiztedTD]

Well to be honest I feel its normal.

There can be several reasons

1) Do you always offer up sex? If he wants it do you want it as well? I find often guys resort to porn because the girl isn't in the mood. Not that there is anything wrong with this.

2) Maybe he has fantasies he isn't able to explore with you?

I have been with my fiance for 3 years, living together for 2 and I watch porn. The reason - Often its because I am in the mood and she is not. So why should both of us suffer?

I don't think of the girls in the porn after I am done watching it. So I don't feel it is cheating.

[Nui9919]

I have been with my man over 2 years he is watching porn every night on the bed and every morning in the shower !!! I'm so sick and tired of it I don't know how long I can live with this !!! Is not just that is burn out phone data over 10G data every month just on his porn video...
I want to end my relationship but I still love him and care of him a lot... Don't know what to do...
* sorry English is my 4th language;(

[hellionthesage]

Ask him why he looks at it. Male sex drive is diffrent to female sex drive, I have read a lot of random things but one thing I stumbled on was a male to female transexual explainging there sex drive. Basicly they were stunned when there sex drive changed when they went on hormones, basicly for males its near allconsuming urge, when they went on hormones they found they could almost choose when they were aroused or not, it became easier to ignore. Consider that before you make any decisions, also perhaps check what he watches, maybe he wants to do anal or oral or something and doesn't want to ask you because he thinks you'll get upset or judge him. Communication is key in all things.