How do you feel about the rape fantasy?

[Anonymous]

I was reading this:

link

I was surprised to see so many people attack the author as the sole transgressor. Honestly, I agree with the author. She should have set boundaries, and he shouldn't have blamed her 100%.

How do you feel about these things? About rape fantasies as a whole?

[lv4lv]

"And it was then that what might feasibly have been dealt with as simply an unfortunate miscommunication (a very unfortunate one) took on the weight of an irrevocable transgression. Horrified at the suggestion that he’d misread my signals and overtaken me, Jacob began to lash out. He insisted that I was to blame, that I’d made him into a monster and led him down the road to ruin by suggesting the fantasy in the first place. He furiously maintained that despite what I said, I could’ve stopped him. I could’ve uttered the magic words that would’ve made him know I was serious, that I wanted him to stop, that this was not, in fact, my fantasy."

There was a safe word agreed to and she refused to use it making it all part of the fantasy to him. It is her fault. He had no idea. He lashed out and got horribly upset after he found out that she actually didn't want it. It is her fault as a whole in that situation. Safewords are used for a reason.

[Asker]

No, those aren't safewords. He meant that she could have tried harder to make him realize that this wasn't what she wanted. " In my mind, it was still very much in the realm of fantasy, and I was secure in knowing that if and when I decided to take things to the next level i.e., act out the fantasy the inevitable and, for me, dreaded conversation involving safe words and boundaries (things I’d always associated with schoolmarms and humorless girls who’d read too much Third Wave feminism)"

[Asker]

"The problem, of course, was that since we’d never discussed it, his decision to enact it without any prior dialogue, without my consent, robbed me of the control that would’ve made it a rape fantasy rather than an out-and-out rape."

[Anonymous]

She didn't communicate her needs very well and he made some assumptions. No big deal, as they are boyfriend and girlfriend. There's not really much to nitpick here.

As for what I think of rape fantasies, I've engaged in a couple of them with girlfriends.

One girlfriend actually asked that I not tell her when I was going to do it. One day I snuck into her apartment and waited in a closet with a mask and rope. I tied her up after she "fought" me and I let her have it. Talk about intense sex! Of course, a guy really has to trust his Girlfriend that she won't go around crying "rape" when she obviously asked for me to take her however I wanted, but for me, it was a great experience and one I'd be happy to do again with a future girlfriend if she wanted it. :)

[Anonymous]

Well, of course communication between them was lacking she only knew the guy for a month. I personally would not share a sexual fantasy like this with someone I am still getting to know. She should have set up a safeword. How else was he suppose to know, in a rape fantasy usually you don't wait for consent that's why its a rape fantasy. She just turned out to be not in the mood when he thought she was after getting a hotel room.

[lv4lv]

They did! Reread it.

[Opinion Owner]

Why didn't she say it?

[Asker]

They didn't have one.

[Camilus]

I think the author is a big f***ing idiot...but that's just me.

Let me look at it objectively: she tells a guy she fantasizes about getting raped...she emails and texts him repeatedly about all the things she wants him to do once she finds out he is willing to try it ...they get a hotel together... he role-play rapes her. Then, after all that, she then says that he actually raped her because she didn't enjoy it. What a f***ing clown.

[Asker]

It's not because she didn't enjoy it. It's because she wasn't party to the roleplaying part that moment. I agree that she is partially to blame, but when you blow it out of proportion like that and demean her like that, you take it too far.

[Camilus]

Okay. In my mind she is still a f***ing moron and she is more responsible for that fiasco than the guy. She didn't even yell and scream during the "rape", she just laid there quietly hoping that he would read her mind. If I could give the guy any advice it would be to dump that histrionic woman expeditiously. I've seen that type of women before when I was in high school (the type that cry rape after they have sex with you), and men need to avoid them at all costs.

[Asker]

She DID struggle, but she didn't want to hurt him because she knew he wasn't really raping her in his mind. Then when that didn't work, she laid there. And she's not really crying rape. She didn't charge him with anything, that we know of. All she is doing is stating she was raped, and she WAS. He had sex when she didn't want to and she struggled against it. The act was rape, even though he didn't know it.

[Camilus]

No - rape is when you are in prison and a group of fat hairy men throw you against a concrete wall and f*** you in the ass and beat you in the back of the head for screaming too loud. Having sex when you aren't in the mood is not rape...it's just crappy sex. I still believe the dude should dump that woman post-haste. I think the woman is one of those whiny feminists that you'd see in a Human Resources "sexual misconduct" video where even looking at her too long is considered a violation.

[Asker]

YES having sex when you DON'T WANT TO is rape. Your boyfriend, your husband, your father, the man down the street - they can ALL rape you. NO ONE is entitled to use your body without your consent. She is wrong because she WANTED to be raped (in which case the act wouldn't be rape), but she DID get raped. According to the definition, that is indisputable.

[Camilus]

If it is indisputable then she should take him to court and hope the defendant's lawyer doesn't make her feel stupid. Outside of boundaries of liberal, brain-washing feminist universities, where the rest of the real world resides, people aren't being thrown in prison for having crappy sex. You can call something rape when it isn't, but all you are doing is watering down the meaning of the term for the people, men and women, that are ACTUALLY raped.

[Asker]

Okay, stop being silly. I can also say it's indisputable when my friend steals $20 from me, but I care about him more than to drag him to small claims. IT IS RAPE. The ACT is rape. The SITUATION is foggy, but the act - the man shoving his penis in the woman's vagina when she struggles and says she doesn't want it - is rape. Separate the two. Call her all the names you want, but separate the two.

[Camilus]

" The SITUATION is foggy" Beyond a shadow of a doubt... "the man shoving his penis in the woman's vagina when she struggles and says she doesn't want it" Wasn't that the exact thing that she told him she wanted him to do numerous times? This situation is not rape. This is a situation where a woman calls a sexual encounter "rape" because she was upset with the guy.

[Asker]

The situation is not rape, I agree. She does too. The act was rape, but the situation is not. You, I, and the author all agree on that.

[Jaybabe77]

Should've had a safe word

[lv4lv]

They did! Reread it.

[Malcom_Reynolds]

I'm giving blame at 50/50 for this. Neither struck me as overly smart. She did give him the wrong idea, but he really wasn't considerate of her or the situation.

About rape fantasies as a whole I'm OK with. But especially the first time you try one, it should be blatantly clear that both parties on the same page about everything. That in addition to setting boundaries and taking appropriate precautions.

[Anonymous]

I understand people like to be in a position of power sometimes, but it's very disgusting to me to have such a violent and cruel fantasy.

[Anonymous]

I think people should do what they want if it's consensual. But if this misunderstanding actually happened then the lady's a kook and the guy is a moron.