Boyfriend wants sexual things but it's only been a month and a half... (we're both 18).. advice?

[LollyPopsicle]

I met my boyfriend at the start of this year. We grew closer over a few months time, and started dating in July. He loves me but sometimes our relationship becomes unstable. It's hard to explain but it's like we don't always understand each other. It's like I'm doing wrong but I don't know it until a conversation turns into conflict. We end up upsetting each other and I always end up apologizing because I don't want to lose him. He said the other night that he can hear me say that I love him, but I'm not showing it enough. That confuses me cause usually I don't even know what I'm doing wrong. 2 nights ago he said, "If nothing changes after all this, and I have to say again that I can't feel that you love me, then I don't want to do this, I love you, but you'll know our time is up. But I trust you in that you can make some good changes." I went over to his house yesterday. We watched movies and while we were making out he tried to play with my boobs and rub me through my clothing down there. He wanted to touch me underneath my pants but I said no because I didn't want rush things by going too fast. He's agreed to that, but keeps saying "Maybe next time" and wants me to touch him there too. But the thing is that I get quite shy about things physically. Even the first time I kissed a guy (this guy is my second boyfriend) it took awhile to psyche myself up to just kiss him, and the whole thing was planned. So when my boyfriend wants to take things further I'm always hesitant and kind of awkward, and I'm not entirely sure why. We're both 18. I know for sure that I am not ready to have sex, especially if I end up going to a different university from him next year.. I think sex should only happen in a stable, long-term relationship. He knows he won't get sex this year from me and he says he is fine with it and will be patient with me. Last night he told me that he "can see good changes coming from me so everything's OK and not to worry :D" and he really wants me to go to the same uni as him next year. I know for sure that he really does care about me and he IS a good guy who has a good reputation with everyone. He's done so much for me that only someone who loves me would do. It's just these communication issues sometimes.. How do I know if I'm ready to go further with him or just nervous? I always get so shy about physical things and feel pressured. And it doesn't help that he'll say "if nothing changes, our time will be up even though I love you" and then he'll want to do sexual things. I mean I'd want to get this intimate with him if I didn't get scared about him breaking up with me when he says our relationship gets unbalanced? I know this sounds quite confusing but... any advice? Your perspective?

[toulouse]

@I always end up apologizing because I don't want to lose him.

thats a problem, and it doesn't solve problems, it creates more.

you guys never actually discuss anything. he's never defined what you showing him you love him means. you don't tell him you don't know what he's talking about.

id start with having an actual real discussion WITHOUT emotional blackmail.talk honestly and clearly about what you think you need.

then if your needs are too different. you break up.

pressuring someone is bullsh*t.

if he wants what you can't give him, he should leave, instead of getting angry.

if you are not ready to do things he's ready for, you should leave him instead of groveling because there's something wrong with u, just because he's annoyed.

if you guys are not compatable you're not compatable . break up. why lose dignity over that.

its like you're both terrified of being honest with each other because ull find out the relationship is impossible. its cowardly.

& if he says he sees good things or bad things, or anythings, without explaining himself. you just TELL him you don't know what he is talking about. if its important to him, hell tell u. if not he is just bull sh*tting.

[CatholicVirginia]

First of all, don't do ANYTHING you're uncomfortable with. If he truly loves you, he doesn't want you to be uncomfortable. Heck, I don't want people I LIKE to be uncomfortable, never mind love.

He is controlling. There's a REASON you feel uncomfortable - because no one should be saying, "You say you love me, but you don't show it." That's verbal abuse. He is GUILTING you into doing something with him. I guarantee if you have sex with him, you will regret it.

I hate to point this out, but he's using you. He doesn't want to waste time on a girl who won't pleasure him... which means that his "love" for you, if it is even present, has limits.

You say he's a good guy and I'm sure you believe it, but those words that he uttered are not the words of a good guy. They are the words of manipulation.

If you have to convince yourself that he loves you - as you did in your last paragraph - then you and I both know it not to be true. You just WISH it was.

[vmw2008]

You need to tell him exactly what you told us. That he constantly makes you feel as if your relationship could end at any second, and that because of this, you cannot open yourself up emotionally and physically. Most women would feel the same in your position. To be honest, the things he's saying to you sound very manipulative and controlling.

If it were me, and considering you're going to university next year, I wouldn't hold on too tight to this and just let it end. He's already making you feel so pressured and insecure, it's not worth it. You should NEVER feel so scared to lose a relationship that you put up with fear and disrespect. Your instincts have been trying to tell you something for a while now.

[Pedantic]

I hate to break the news to you, but you are both from dysfunctional homes :) On the bright side, that puts you on par with the majority of the Western World, so you're not alone.

I really think you both need to work on your problem solving skills together before throwing sex into the equation. I don't even know where to begin with you two... probably something like coming up with safe ways to bring up issues and work through them BEFORE a conversation becomes an emotional trigger. Those triggers won't go away until they are dealt with, anyhow.

If one person has to do all of the apologizing, the relationship is clearly lopsided. Humans need to balance expression and repression... it won't be any better for you, the apologizer, than it will be for him, the counter-dependent.

Really my best advice is you go to someone who you know is wise and ask them for the breakdown of the best way to stay happy in a relationship :) Make sure they have a few hours free...

[kheserthorpe]

Welcome to reality.

Love is really important. But it's not enough. You need to want a similar enough relationship that you can both be happy. That doesn't mean you should do whatever he wants and it also doesn't mean he should somehow be fine waiting indefinitely.

you two need to see if there's a path that's slow enough for you and fast enough for him. If not, you break up. It doesn't mean you didn't love each other it just meant that you were in different stages and the time wasn't right.

The whole 'I wish there was no pressure' is frankly unhealthy. If there's no pressure it's because he's pretending he doesn't care when he does - that's not really the basis of an open and trusting relationship.

Good luck to you both, however things turn out.

[Surfinforlife]

Honestly, getting sexual especially that early in the relationship starts complication things and isn't healthy even though it seems okay to do. Keep your morals. Don't let any guy pressure you into anything you don't want to do. Also, watch out. This guy could be out for sexual pleasures and is used to having it with other girls so he's expecting and wanting it from you. Don't be used, you are valuable so don't throw yourself at any guy that is demanding anything.

Respect yourself and do what you feel is right.

[Surfinforlife]

best answer?

[TheUglyOne]

Look, it's your body, your choice, you don't have to put out if you don't feel it's right at this point. If he's a man worth keeping, if he's all that you described him, he will respect you and respect your body.

If he keeps pushing and pressuring you, then all he really cared for was getting sex out of you.

[flobuns]

trust me he may really like you but his body has a few needs too. if you don't put out sooner or later he'll be tempted to search elsewhere how much ever he may like you.

if you feel its gonna happen in the future that you'l give yourself to him, then there's no reason holding back now, because that's just nervousness making you stop.

my buddy's girlfriend was a virgin at 23 and she gave it to him in 2 weeks, because she felt he was a good guy and had confidence he'd last. now they're 7 months together and very happy always doing it

[Anonymous]

From what you wrote, you don't seem ready yet. Don't let him pressure you cause you might regret it later.

[Anonymous]

I say wait, even just for a little bit longer. Once you have sex with someone it becomes a lot harder to say goodbye (if that should ever happen to you two). I'm speaking from experience. It's a lot easier to walk away from someone when you haven't given them everything.

Also, if you aren't sure about his motives then I would definitely just wait it out.

[Anonymous]

Dont do anything you don't feel ready for but explain it to him don't just reject his advances. Also show affection whether it be cuddling or kissing or what ever but you have to show the love and take steps to become more affectionate

[Anonymous]

My advice is to keep hold of your morals and thoughts towards this. If you don't feel comfortable, know that it's fine to tell him stop.