How can I stop my daughter from being a slut?

[Anonymous]

I was mortified when I overheard her talking to a couple friends of hers who stayed the night. I always felt they weren't really great friends but its even worse because they were talking about the disgusting things they do with boys around their school. I thought my daughter was a virgin but apparently she's already had sex with four of her classmates and has done oral sex with a few more. they talk about it calmly as I would with my husband. we are both devastated and worried about pregnancy or std's also her emotional health because a 15 year old girl shouldn't be doing these things. we argued a week ago about her hanging around after school she does tennis I know or I think she's there but not sure. we talked about sex when she was 13 about abstinent or being in love at least, which she suppose to bring the boy to meet us and go out together to tell how the boy is like. tried not to smother her but she is very emotional and always talks about being in love getting married makes me think that she cannot understand when boys want to love her or want sex only. how can I talk to her about this? where do I begin? I'm honestly very angry at her for being irresponsible

[kholland65]

Yeah that's kinda of f***ed up. At 15 she shouldn't even really be having sex in my opinion. At most she should have only had about 1-2 partners. If she's sleeping around already and sucking guys off, I don't even want to know how she's going to turn out.

First of all, evaluate her relationship with her father. Cliche but true. Many promiscuous girls don't get enough attention and praise from their fathers so they seek it be feeling sexually desired by men.

Second, keep a very close watch on what she is doing and where she goes. Don't be a complete nazi, but don't be letting go places for to long a time where she will be in private and unsupervised by an adult.

Finally sit her down and have another talk, and don't be afraid to be blunt. She's 15, you don't have to be afraid to talk about sex. Do your research though. Let her know the ramifications of her behavior, how it will effect her in the future. How it will change the perception people have of her. A girl her age, isn't thinking into the future in that way. She's just in the moment having fun. It's your job as the wise adult to paint that picture.

Also give her reasonable standards. Maybe say that no sex until she's 17 or 18. No boys can stay over and she can't go to a boys house until she's 17. Don't be one of those parents who has a 22 year old daughter and still won't let her Boyfriend stay over. At the same time, a 15yr old is far from 18, even though its only 3 years.

[sikoo31]

like she's gonna tell the truth

[kholland65]

Tell the truth about what? The QA already knows about her sex life. And as far as lying about where she is going, her mom just has to keep reasonable tabs on her. Sometimes the pressure alone will partially keep kids in line for fear of getting caught and in trouble. The trick is to tapper freedom. If she's caught lying, you become tougher, if she keeps up good behavior and proves you can trust her, loosen up a little.

[Asker]

i think maybe she feels neglected by her father? he works a lot and is already a reserved type person around friends and family sometimes even me. I think he has trouble relating with her because she's the daughter we have two younger sons in middle school and they seem closer. I will do more research and def talk to her. should I punish her in anyway? I know what she's doing is wrong but grounding her for it seems wrong

[jacquesvol]

Well, I'm not going to lose time with moral preachings but your daughter should urgently

-Get tested,

-Receive MUCH MORE information than the recommendation to be abstinent,

-Have condoms in her handbag and USE them.

-Receive birth control and USE it.

-Keep the morning after pill in your First Aid kit at home- Ulapristal (Ellaone link ) seems the most efficient, it 's active during 5 days after unprotected sex , against 72 hours for Plan B : link link . It's only available on prescription.

WHY CONDOMS? Because her health is WAY more important than moral considerations and

the statistics are against her, read this (and get her to read it !) :

¤ Quarter of U.S. teen girls have sex-related disease: link

¤ Half of teen girls have STIs by 2 years of first sex: link

¤ UK doctors advised gonorrhoea has turned drug resistant: link

...

Here's the Planned Parenthood site: link Their site is well made, let her visit it completely.

A few facts on American teens' sexual health and activity from a reliable source: link

[jacquesvol]

Damage control is first priority here.

[Anonymous]

First. I don't think you should be calling your daughter a slut :( and I hope you've never called her that to her face...

Second, do you and your husband talk to her about sex? At all. Open communication is a must. Sit down, talk to her, make her feel like you care about her health and safety because you love her.Show her what STD's are, how they look, and stories of people who got them.

And third, I knew a lot of girls in my high school (graduated '09) that did the same stuff and it all boils down to peer presure. Make your daughter become less involved with them. Give her something to do! Make her take dance lessons or something. If she's active, she'll be too busy to do much.

Whatever you do DO NOT tell her how stupid she is, or how she disrespected you or how "my babys turning into a slut". This will only make her rebel more. You need to 'guilt her gently', you can maybe say : I am very disappointed in you and your actions. You know the door is always open. And sex is not something you give away to everyone. Guys will not respect you if you do not respect yourself, ect.

Hope I helped. This is why I wish for boys in the future! Haha.

[jacquesvol]

There seems to be a huge communication problem indeed. Please, note that boys can get std's too.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh yes, anyone can. Male or female.

[Anonymous]

You can't do anything. Everything you tell her will be promptly ignored because she's at this age where parental advice isn't very accepted. She's already what she is. The only thing you can do is wait for her to realize her mistakes and change her outlooks on life. Until then, good luck trying to do anything...

[jacquesvol]

Anyhow, once she tried and enjoyed sex, it's highly improbable that she'll revert to abstinence.

[wpmason]

well... aside from you age being listed as 18-24... You're the adult! What are you afraid of? I generally don't judge anyone based on sexual things... but seriously, Adults do in fact know better than children when it comes to sex. Why are you afraid of calling her out on it? It's her that is going to be mortified, not you. Grow up and be the parent that you know you should be.

[Asker]

im afraid she won't listen because she can't understand why these things aren't healthy for her. I know I can't stop her but then I don't know what to do? condoms and birthcontrol don't protect 100% I want her to stop altogether what if she does not?

[wpmason]

Stop asking what ifs... She absolutely will not stop if you don't make some sort of effort. Take the first step, then reevaluate.

[Asker]

yor right I wasn't srue how to go about this

[kheserthorpe]

A) try start talking a lot more about love, and sex, and how men see the two (which is, actually, linked in terms of love including sex, but not necessarily linked in terms of sex implying love - in fact they want sex with far more women then they'd consider loving).

B) what are her goals? I knew lots of sexually active teens who didn't get STDs or pregnant. My wife knew plenty of girls who got pregnant. The difference? I grew up almost entirely around college bound kids. They took the necessary steps to make sure THEIR lives didn't get messed up. Not to appease their parents, but because THEY had goals.

[kholland65]

The second part is a good other way of explain what I met in terms of outlining the future ramifications of her actions. Good post as always kheserthorpe.

[kheserthorpe]

You might both realize that - nervous though it might make you - what will help her most in life is not JUST to realize guys often want just sex but to ALSO understand what a healthy sex life INSIDE a loving relationship might look like. In reality. By just 'when you both want to its magical'. Because ts more complicated then that. Sounds like some progress though.

[Littletad]

Being a good/loving parent is your best option. Also, being honest and attempting to have a real relationship with your children. If you're overbearing, too judgmental and strict; then you're likely to learn some lessons later on.

[zchhdsll]

show her what has been said here so that she may know what people already think of her and that what she is doing is bad so she can try to change?

[Asker]

i thot it was a weird idea but I think I will

[zchhdsll]

she will see what more mature people have to say about what she does and she may realize that maybe she should stop.

[Tripz]

Take her to a planned parent hood and tell all of the women there that your daughter is a "slut" at her age. They'll have something to say about it lol

[kholland65]

Actually this isn't a bad idea. Sometimes stuff like this can scare the sh*t out of a young kid. Again, like I said in my post. Young kids have no future perspective. They don't think about the possible or future consequences of their actions until its real and in their face. Stuff like this can present that without them having to be the one to actually go through it.

[Tripz]

Also, her friends sound like a serious negative influence... Tell their parents what they are doing! lol

[tswayd]

I am glad your father and daughter can improve their relation through this

[tswayd]

This sounds very awful. If I were a parent I would be terribly distressed. If your daughter didn't have a bad childhood or anything the only way I can explain this is that she is very impressionable and has bad influence from friends and/or some kind of media. Overall I am sorry to say I do not have a very high opinion of your daughter right now. I hope she will find the light to change her ways

[sikoo31]

if she wants to f***, she's gonna f***; she'll find one way or another to do it, it matters only to a certain extent what you do to prevent it, cause you can only do so much.

so if you're 24(at the oldest) and she's 15, that means you had her at 9(at the oldest).

wtf is up with that?

[sikoo31]

ok that makes more sense. well anyway, my sister had a kid at 16(dumb I know), but there was little my parents could do to prevent it; she would lie about where she was going. what I'd recommend is taking her phone away, and not letting her use the computer for a while. this way she can't coordinate her meetings with these guys she thinks she loves.

[Asker]

what am I suppose to do? what if she gets pregnant or hiv? I had her at 22

[Asker]

that's a good idea but she see's them everyday at school do I have to go to practice with her everydya to make sure she's not doing things? is this too overbearing?

[sikoo31]

i just told you, take her phone. abstinence really doesn't work, look at the statistics from here and some European countries like the netherlands on teen pregnancy and std's, we're way worse than they are and its cause our schools preach abstinence instead of safe sex. you need to punish her for lying to you, so confront her, tell her her punishment, talk to her more in detail about it, give her condoms, put her on the pill and if you're willing, tell her only to have sex at your house.

[kholland65]

Don't take her phone away or constantly watch over her. Just always know where she is going and what she is doing. If she says she's going to hang out with her friends. Ask where they are going, who is going, and how long they will be gone. At 15, that's reasonable to ask. At 18, maybe less, into the 20's not really your business. As long as your not calling her phone every hour, refusing to let her go out, or trying to always be physically present, your not overbearing. Again, SHE'S 15. not 18.

[sikoo31]

can't go to practice with her every day, no, but you can tell her coach to keep an eye on her for you.

[jacquesvol]

with a basic cell phone costing $25, taking her phone away isn't a solution. Damage control is the first priority.

[sikoo31]

where is she gonna get money for another phone? plus her being a teen, in 2012, I doubt she's gonna settle for some $25 phone.

[sikoo31]

glad her dad stepped in, that should make a big difference.

[jacquesvol]

a $25 phone is always better than no phone at all. Where would she find $25? By not eating hamburgers? By selling something else?

[dudeman]

you can't stop her from being something she already is.

[dudeman]

statistically her chances of having a marriage lasting longer then five years is already below thirty percent

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that. That's why I really don't want to ever have daughter. The sad thing is that your daughter isn't in the minority at this point in time. She is the new normal.

[Anonymous]

She's already a slut.