I love this guy very much, but there is no chemistry. During sex I don't feel a thing, am I the problem?

[Anonymous]

Guys and girls. Am I the problem or is he? Or we just don't have that chemistry between us and we should continue just be good friends? I met this guy about a year ago and we became friends, then close friends, then we fell in love and now we are having a relationship of 2 years. We love each other very much and take a good care of each other and give each other a lot of romance and affection. But whenever we have sex it goes wrong. He is a very handsome man but I just don't feel any pleasure while having sex. Its the same for me if he kisses me or not. Although I love his kisses on my forehead and hands and face. But when he enters his tongue I find that very annoying. And when he enters his penis, I don't feel a thing. He is enjoying every single second but I don`t. I just let him get it over with and then he takes me in his arms and we sleep by hugging. He always does that. And I get some sort of satisfaction of that. He is very handsome and sweet. Am I the problem here or is chemistry lacking here? I told him about this problem and he said he is okay with it, he said he does not need sex as much as he needs our romance and my presence. But I am afraid that he will get fed up with me not giving him optimum pleasure...which he actually deserves. I tried my level best to feel any kind of butterflies in my stomach and stuff like that, but no didn't come. Are we just not meant to be lovers and should we end this relationship and be just good friends? And guys, how do you feel about this? Would you get fed up with a girl who can not satisfy you in bed? Or you think romance is more important? As for as I know, romance ends up with sex most of the time, so that is why I think we should break up. I am afraid he will get frustrated of this or me. I even mentioned it to him, but he does not want to break up because of this. As now he asked me to marry him, I am very worried about this. I had sex with 2 other men before and I used to feel pleasure. So maybe we just don't match as a couple? Even though we love each other so much?

[sealevel27]

You love him, just like I love my best friend (who happens to be male). And I'd NEVER confuse my love of my best friend as some sort of romantic love, not only because I'm straight, but because there is a HUGE difference between loving a person and being in love.

I have dated two girls who were like you. They had very, very "serious" and committed relationships with a guy that they "loved," but man oh man, these two girls felt ZERO passion for those guys.

You need to figure out what you want. It's OK if you want a partner whom you love, but for whom you don't feel passion. But, if you're the type of person who needs that passion, where you get wet just be being near him, then this relationship needs to end.

You cannot force yourself to fall in love. You're not in love with this guy, and you never will be, and you're never going to get those butterflies that you know should be there. If you're OK with that, then good for you. If not, stop wasting your time, because believe me, there's nothing quite like being in love, even if it means you don't get the security of the gentle cuddling you described. Life and love is a gamble.

[EasyEC]

The vibe I am getting in this relationship is that he is constantly trying to gain your approval. For example, notice throughout your letter how you say things like him kissing you (various places/times) without you mentioning you kissing him various times.

On the other hand, you don't have such a need or desire to "prove yourself" by attempting to gain his approval. Your sex-life suffers as a result. The answer is that he needs to be more difficult to please and you'll have to work to gain his favor more often. Consequently, this will translate over to your sex-life. It's not an easy situation to change and him just becoming more of an asshole is not going to work.

Encourage him on developing standards, standing up against things he doesn't believe in (whether it be on TV, at work, in a restaurant, etc.), and solidfying his self esteem/personal identity. This will mean that he is "less ok" with some of the things you do and it will at the least cause you to react. If you have the attitude/desire to gain his favor during sex...well that's what attraction is. It can spark some powerful emotins within you.

[xxangel1990xx]

Personally I think there needs to be chemistry in a relationship but everyone is different. The fact that you're questioning the relationship in the first place makes me think you're not happy in it so you need to get out of it. There's a difference between being in love and loving someone and to me it sounds like you love him but are not in love with.

[lefthand]

Your body is often a better judge of people than your hopes. If there is no connection then this is likely the end of the matter. It's rough but we really don't know someone until we sleep with them and at that point, expectations tend to get in the way of honest judgment. If I were in this position, I would not continue the relationship. Unsatisfying sex is one of the more prominent reasons people split. If you know that already, there isn't a more to be said.

[Asker]

Women need romance more than they need sex. For men it is the opposite, but with this man, it happens not to be like that. But yet I am scared he will get fed up with me not wanting to have sex that much...or pretending that I want it. I just don't know. Maybe you are right, without sex a relationship will go down on long terms. But is sex more important than romance, taking care of each other, sweet talks and kisses everywhere? I hate to see him unsatisfied but he tells me he`s fine with it

[lefthand]

I don't agree because romance is actually a component of sex. I think that the sex is a manifestation of the promise the romance gives. That promise isn't being kept. Worse, romance goes away as you learn who the person really is (even if you love them) while sex sustains and builds relationships.

[Asker]

Hm.....you might be right there......i do hate it when he asks me to do certain things, but I just do it because I want to satisfy him, but sometimes I let him down...we`v been together for so long now but I think its started to get some problems...I don't mind not having satisfaction in sex..I get enough of romance. how do I find out what is more important?

[lefthand]

I actually asked my wife about it. She is of the opinion that romance is a con. Sometimes a benign con but it generally is someone who is acting in a way that inconsistent with reality in hopes of obtaining some advantage. That it is done with flowers and wine rather than contracts and money doesn't change the nature of it. If you want attention, get attention that you deserve and can wear comfortably.

[jacquesvol]

I don't believe that much in "chemistry".

You had sex with 2 other men before and used to feel pleasure. So that is not an issue.

Either something uncomfortable happened to you lately or he's clumsy.

Of course, if you don't really like him 100% for sex, then something is missing and you could call that "chemistry".

[Asker]

No nothing uncomfortable happened to me, its just he doesn't know how to turn me on and I never feel wet around him. The words he uses to turn me on, the way he grabs me, the way he has sex with me, is just zero and maybe you could call that clumsy. I never felt turned on. Maybe there is something indeed missing and that is the chemistry but he tells me he doesn't mind and he can live with it because he needs me in his life. how so I react to that?