Girls being concerned about looking desperate?

[Anonymous]

So obviously nobody wants to look desperate. It's not an attractive quality. But I notice on this website that many girls seem to be very, very concerned about this. It seems like almost every other question is about a girl worrying about looking desperate somehow. It's almost to the point of paranoia sometimes. I understand the concern. But it seems to be REALLY high. Much more so than with guys. What is it that you're ultimately concerned about? This is what I think might be happening in a lot of cases. Girls are extremely turned off by any hint of desperation in a guy and are acutely aware of it. In other words, girls are always on the lookout for it. This turnoff is so strong that you assume guys must feel it in the same way you do and that guys are also on the lookout for it, thus creating the concern. What do you think? Let me also say this. Guys ARE turned off by desperation. But they aren't really on the lookout for it in the way that girls are. It would have to be pretty strong and obvious for a guy to notice. So, I guess I'm trying to help out any girls that might have this concern. But I'm also interested in exactly what it is that you are ultimately concerned about. I know that not all girls have this concern. But if you're one of the girls who does, this question was meant for you.

[lollipanda]

It seems easier for girls to get labeled as desperate than guys, honestly. This isn't true all of the time, but it seems like when a guy shows a girl a lot of attention, it's sweet, but when it's vice versa it's weird or coming on too strong. Maybe I only say that because I'm female though.

As far as myself, I'm worried that I'm annoying him. There are all these messages out there about being "hard to get" or about taking it slow. About not giving up too much too fast. And what it really does is make me panic that the fact I want to talk to him and spend time with him will backfire into "God I wish she'd leave me alone. She just ALWAYS talks to me!" if I send just one text too many or appear to excited to have a conversation.

Part of it probably also comes out of a fear of being rejected - if we make it too apparent we're interested, and then he turns out not to be? Then it just feels pathetic.

[samhradh_leannan]

Okay, it's nowhere NEAR every other question. But it is a predominant concern for sure. Girls are constantly receiving the message that guys like the chase, and that they will lose interest if you make it easy for them. Whether or not that's true, or to what extent, it does make girls feel like they have to give a guy space and behave more casually. For example, if a girl asks how long she should wait before texting a guy back, she is probably worried that if she texts back too quickly he will feel stifled or become bored with the situation.

[Asker]

I was definitely exagerrating about every other question :) But there's a lot of questions like that. I think there tons of misinformation and projecting going on in the whole situation. It's pretty complicated.

[samhradh_leannan]

Nothing is simple. There are so many misunderstandings and generalizations that happen when it comes to relations between people. it's something you just have to accept, I think.

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

It's the whole 'losing interest' thing. That, and most girls like being chased. Really, we're just worried about turning them off, and it's a legitimate concern. Yes, we probably do notice desperation a little more than men do, but that's not enough to make us totally relax about it.

I even worry about it when I'm in a relationship and have been in one, not just trying to start one. I worry that me coming off as desperate is either going to turn him off, make him leave or take me for granted, so I play aloof from time to time.

[Asker]

Why would you even think that you are coming off as desperate to begin with? Do you think that you are? If not, why would you worry if someone else thought you were? They'd be wrong, wouldn't they?

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

Well I was taken for granted in a previous relationship when, looking back at it now, I believe I was being desperate. And it sucks. I came off as desperate because I crave attention in relationships, and my guy definitely wasn't giving me any, but I didn't want to leave. In general I don't think I am, but I only worry if I genuinely care about the guy.

[Asker]

I think that women have sort of a natural, instinctual fear of being abandoned. Women crave safeness and security. If you don't get it you almost feel as if you are in danger. Women then start to worry and freak out a little bit, causing you to feel and sometimes act desperate, clingy, etc. This makes you worry that you will come off that way to guys and turn them off. Sometimes it gets to be an irrational paranoia. Ringing any bells?...No? Yes?

[thegirlwithgreeneyes]

Aha okay, so I can speak for myself that yes, I want security. Once again, security = attention = love and care, and that's something I need in a relationship. I don't think it's an irrational paranoia. I don't fret about seeming desperate to the point where it interferes with my daily actions. It's more situational. And with new guys, I don't worry about desperation, because about 90% of the time I make sure they're chasing me before I let on interest.

[Anonymous]

You kidding right? If a guy sees a desperate girl he thinks "Yes I'm getting laid". Guys don't care if the girl is desperate or not, only whether she is hot or not. I don't think girls can relate to this... In the same way I can't relate to why girls would care if a guy is desperate or not. OK sure, he may not have many girl-friends, but surely if he is a quality guy sooner or later he'll be snatched up and you'll miss out? Maybe girls are just risk-adverse by nature - for example, name me 3 successful female venture capitalists or entrepaneurs (can't spell). To me this is a weakness.

[justme20]

I think everyone at some point doesn't want to look desperate and people over think everything. Its all normal. You really want the person to have interest in you too but you don't know if you are trying too hard or not enough or even if they like/dont like you. In reality asking someone out is easy. All you need to do is relax, be yourself, make the person laugh, great personality and approachable and you are golden

[sundrop28]

I'm most concerned about annoying the guy. I don't want to look desperate because that is annoying. I've been on the other side of this where a guy was constantly talking to me and desperate to be with me and it came off really annoying, so after I experienced that I try not to be that way with guys I like.

[Anonymous]

A lot of us have been turned down because we made the first move. When we make the first move, many times we are pegged as being 'desperate;. When a guy makes the first move, he is 'interested'. It's the ending result of the so called "dating game". It's the whole idea that the man pursue's what he wants. What happens when the man wants something but is to nervous to pursue it? Why does he have to be the one who always pursues?

[Anonymous]

I'm mostly concerned about him thinking I'd be the "overly attached" girlfriend type, you know? So I try to not text first (which some guys hate and start to wonder if I really AM interested in them.. this backfires sometimes but I'm just so worried about looking annoying/desperate), I try not to make him think he's the only guy in my life by talking about other guyfriends (then he starts thinking I'm a huge flirt or something..ugh), etc. So yeah - trying to NOT look desperate just creates a bunch of confusion. I can honestly say I try VERY hard not to look desperate. I guess it's because I've seen so many guys act desperate towards me and it totally turned me off and now I make sure not to come across like that. Do guys even notice when a girl doesn't text them first and stuff? What can girls do to not look desperate is my question.

[Asker]

The whole point is that a lot of girls highly overestimate the detriment of appearing desperate. You can show little signs of what you, as a girl, would perceive as desperation, and guys won't even notice.

[Anonymous]

since girls are more quickly categorized as clingy I am always scared of him thinking I am clingy and annoying. because when I had my first boyfriend in early high school I ended up being clingy at the end when he stopped pursuing me. now it is at the point where guys say I seem too disinterested sometimes. I am very sensitive about it, yeah