Sexual Health
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Am I too much of a prude for nowaday's standards?

I'm 24, female. I like sex and I like to experiment, I enjoy new positions, new techniques and I'd even be open to a threesome (not in a committed relationship, though). Just saying that I'm not into vanilla only, missionary type, exclusively romantic sex. I like sweet romantic sex from time to time, but I also like spontaneous, inhibited fun. Now, the problem is that when I'm in a committed relationship sometimes I feel insecure with my body. Not gonna get specific - but I'm very normal looking, average, definitely not "porn" or "strip club" material. So sometimes I feel a bit insecure, but I know that's my problem to deal with, not my partner's. And I'm OK with him watching p*rn, it makes me feel a bit insecure but again, that's my issue not his I was reading some advice column on another site though, and I realized I may be more of a prude because nowadays it seems it's pretty standard and acceptable for guys to go to strip clubs and get lap dances. A lot of men and women were bashing a woman for feeling uneasy that her boyfriend had got a lapdance after they had a fight. I mean I guess I can get going to a strip club just to watch girls on stage and bond with friends... I don't like it but I guess I get it. But for me lapdances are totally not OK. I mean, there's actual contact, with an actual person, and while it's not sex, it certainly is sexual. I mean, I know for a fact my boyfriend wouldn't like it if I danced in a very sexual way with a guy at a club, even fully clothed, and for 5 minutes only, I know he'd hate that I rub my body against another guy's, especially if he were hotter than my boyfriend and most especially if he rubbed his crotch against mine. It wouldn't lead to sex, I wouldn't ask him for his number and probably would never see him again. I bet that would make any guy uncomfortable if his girlfriend did that? I wouldn't do it at all now that I'm in a committedrelationship because I feel it'd be inappropriate... but do guys feel the same about lapdances? But I wonder if I'm actually a prude for thinking that a lapdance crosses the "it's just fantasy" boundary? Should I do better to just stay single?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • IMO, how you feel is totally okay. I'm a guy, and I totally get that "contact with a real live, woman, possibly naked to some degree" isn't okay with you. You definitely aren't the only woman to feel that way either.

    I don't think this makes you prude at all. You just have boundaries that are maybe *slightly* smaller than average, but only slightly, and nothing that a normal guy should have a problem with.

    As long as you both work on your relationship and keep it healthy, and as long as your guy is getting a reasonable amount of sex (2-3 times a week at least, on average), most guys won't have much of an interest in a strip club anyway. Why would a guy who gets and enjoys sex with his girlfriend/wife want to go and pay a bunch of money for a frustrating tease?

    Strip clubs are *mostly* patronized by guys who are single (often perpetually single), or in terrible relationships. Guys in good relationships only go when it's their best friend's bachelor party or something like that, because they want to be there for their friend, not for the strippers. It's really not something that's likely to be a problem for you.

    Overall, you seem to have a pretty healthy attitude about sex, and so I think you'll be fine. If you *do* ever have any doubts about a strip club, I recommend that YOU take your guy to one together, so you can see for yourself how they work. Most girls who do that seem pretty relieved once they understand what is actually taking place.

  • "nowadays it seems it's pretty standard and acceptable for guys to go to strip clubs and get lap dances"

    lol, no. Most women would not be okay with this. Watching p*rn is one thing, a stripper grinding her ass on your **** is another thing entirely. I'd never expect a girlfriend of mine to be cool with that.

    The exception of course, is if we're at the strip club together. Girlfriends of mine have totally bought me lapdances (and vice versa). It's different, somehow, with your partner there. Probably because it turns into a basic fulfillment of threesome fantasy (or watching your partner with someone else) without actually going there.

    But no, you're not a prude for not wanting your boyfriend to go to strip clubs (without you). That's a very normal stance for women to take.

    • "Watching p*rn is one thing, a stripper grinding her ass on your **** is another thing entirely" I know, right? That's exactly what I think, but guys on that other advice column website were like "Lapdances and p*rn are the same, it's just fantasy, it doesn't mean we love our partner any less". It's cool there are guys like you who can actually tell the difference :)

    • Well, there are similarities. Yes, they can both work as a sort of "safe" fantasy fulfillment, but one is girls on a screen, the other is girls in your lap. Even if it doesn't mean that the guy loves his partner any less (and having experienced lap dances, I can say that's probably true for most guys) I can absolutely understand why someone would be uncomfortable with their partner indulging in that.

    • I get what you mean... I think getting a lap dance/dancing sexily with someone who's not your partner/whatever else is OK when both parties are OK with such things. I think you have a very healthy attitude about it.

Most Helpful Girls

  • No, you aren't a prude.

    I think with strip clubs and lap dances, it's a matter of finding a guy who feels the same about it. Believe it or not, a lot of guys are QUICK to judge women who oppose behavior like that, labeling them as "insecure" and "jealous."

    But I think we all need boundaries to an extent. Everyone has different boundaries and they're all fine so long as they're not unreasonable(i.e, you can't have friends of the opposite sex).

    It's just a matter of finding someone who feels the same.

    I'm iffy about it. I think in the right settings I'd be OK with it, like if my boyfriend was going to a friends bachelor party, but idk. I'm not too sure I would actually be OK with him doing it, but I wouldn't want to push him away by trying to tell him what to do

  • Of course you are not a prude. It's justified to feel bad about it.

    In a relationship everything should be equal. If he likes going to strip clubs, then you should have the option to dance with other people too. Otherwise he shouldn't do it and it's not fair.

  • my guy would never go to a strip club or anything like that.

    that's just how he is.

    our lifestyle isn't as partyish as some others

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It doesn't bother me but I can see how it would bother people. It's about a mutual understanding of your relationship boundaries.

  • Totaly, there's no way I would cross that boundary and I would expect her to respect that and never do it to me, ie give one, as it wouldn't bother me if she got a lap dance from a girl, that is acceptable, but if any guy went near her like that, then, sorry, relationship has a problem. So your spot on in your post, and many guys would agree, unless their shallow and expect women to put up with it just because were blokes. x

  • Nah, I'm with you on that. Have you seen that shit? Lapdances are basically foreplay.

  • I think viewing lap dances as over the line is not unusual or unreasonable.

  • You have every right to be jealous when your boyfriend goes to a strip club. First of all, half of them are prostitutes I sh*t you not. I've been offered sex by like 4 of them in the VIP room for $120. Second of all, they have like no shame. They will touch your man's balls and squeeze them as they have done to me. They will rub their boobs on his face. Make him pinch their butts. If he gets a lap dance they will grind him over and over again giving hickeys, biting, and giving footjobs.

  • Wow, a girl who doesn't tell the world her breast size when describing herself.

    To answer you're question, no you're not a prude. Your concerns are perfectly legit and I'd be having the same ones if my girlfriend went to clubs and danced like that.

  • You are not a prude and what you think is perfectly normal. Best of luck to ya

  • Lady...I am not sure where you hail from...but you are no prude in the neck of my Deep, Dark Woods...for the record...you do not seem like a prude to me either...(:(:(:

  • you aren't a prude at all and if you are I can't imagine what I am lol

    it's OK to have standards for yourself and the person you are with and boundaries of things you are OK with sexually. I think more women and men should have at least SOME standards and boundaries.

  • It's your right to be WHATEVER way you want to be. It's nobody else's business really.

  • I think you're fine for the most part. My answer is kind of complicated though and might get me some haters lol. I think for the first few years of a relationship that is really serious it's totally normal to expect your man to stay away from strip clubs and expect you're enough to satisfy his fantasies. If the relationship progresses to marriage and your man knows your feelings about strip clubs he should keep out of them.

    If your relationship/marriage evolves past the sexual honeymoon though and the sex becomes the same every time and the girl inevitably has a lower drive than the man then strip clubs can be an outlet for a man to satisfy his sexual lusts without actually having intercourse with another woman and he can come home with that sexual lust and unleash it on his unsuspecting long term partner who by that time and age is just happy to get poked by a guy with passion again lol.

    Age and time changes a lot. Being young and in a relationship where you haven't "done it all" yet, it is reasonable to expect your man not to go to strip clubs.

    To be fair it works both ways. If my wife flirts with young guys at the bar and they dance together and maybe cop a feel of her ass or breasts and she comes home wet, passionate, and ready to have sex I'm not going to complain.

    • Why not just watch p*rn, get all horny and then have sex with your wife? I don't think I could put up with such a thing, and I'm sure if I married my boyfriend, even if I were old and grey he wouldn't be OK with me letting another man "cop a feel". But if your marriage works for you like that and your wife's OK with it I'm no one to judge.

  • Some guys don't go out to get lap dances. Don't think it's 100% of the guys out there.

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