Sexual Health
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Dating a vanilla guy as a submissive?

I like being with him. He is fun and handsome, he pays attention to me and cares for me like no dominant did. When we first met we were drunk (..) and then I am super honest, so I told him about me being kinky. We haven't talked about this since then, but I feel like he tries to be somewhat dominant, which I appreciate a lot, but still, I feel like he is a vanilla at heart. He tells me how wonderful I am like all the time, and wants to be with me all the time, which makes me feel insecure, because I prefer to be the one who gives more. The more he does for me, the more I feel like he is an equal, or even worse. Should I continue dating him? Should I talk to him? I am afraid of doing so, because if I tell him that I need him to be less affectionate, than I will screw him up for future vanilla girls who would appreciate this a lot, and I'm not even sure if this would make it better.
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Most Helpful Guys

  • You need to tell him exactly what you wrote here; all of it.

    The honest truth is that he probably does not have that dominant trait you are looking for. Lots of (great) guys don't have it. There are some guys who have the possibility of it within them, but would need encouragement and experience to develop it, and the maturity to handle it as well. Lots of guys will simply NEVER be dominant like you want and need, though, and you have to recognize and accept that, and if it turns out that this guy can't give you what you want, then you might need to break things off with him, despite his other great qualities. That sucks, but in the long run, it is better for both of you if you aren't being fulfilled, which will cause resentment and end up in an ugly fight eventually.

    A few additional things:

    When you meet a guy you could potentially date, one of the FIRST things you need to do is to "interview" him for relationship compatibility. When I start dating a girl, or even talking with her with that intention in mind, a significant portion of our conversations are asking questions that will determine compatibility. In order to ask good questions, you need to know yourself and what YOU need and want, both now and in the future, and then make sure his answers are compatible with that. You won't get a perfect match, but you might be able to find a compromise you can both live with.

    So many people don't do this, and then they end up in a situation where they now have feelings for someone that they don't have long-term compatibility with. The time for those answers is at the very beginning, before you're too deeply attached.

    The other thing is that there are going to be few dominant guys your age. Having talked to a lot of people about this over the years, a super-common complaint from submissive girls in their late teens and 20s is that there are almost no dominants in their age group. The reality is that being a dominant (much less a GOOD dominant) requires experience and maturity that few guys have before their late 20s or 30s. To find what you want, you're probably going to need to date older guys, rather than guys your age.

    • Thanks! I've realized the age problem, and I have dated older dominants, but guys who are older than 30 mostly don't work for me. My way of thinking is not common, and I can't go out with a guy who doesn't get at least part of it. I can open younger guys up to it, but the older ones are just too stubborn and won't even listen, or don't care to debate about philosophy. Even if this guy had the potential to be a dominant, he is not mature enough for it.

    • I understand what you mean about older guys being stubborn or set in their ways, etc., but I still think it would be easier to find the right KIND of dominant guy, who either already agrees with you or is open to your ideas, than it is to find a vanilla guy and try to make him a Dom. Yes, I know there are plenty of douchey Doms, but there are enough of them that you should be able to filter those out and find the good ones.

    • Don't be afraid to ask for EXACTLY what you want from the beginning. Doms that don't agree will probably pass you over because of that, and so most of the ones who are interested should be more flexible.

  • Well you can give it a shot. But you're really going to need to explain what you need from him:

    - you want to feel safe because he is in control and will do what's best for you (whether you like it in the short term or not). That makes you feel loved far more than him trying to cater to your whims.

    - you want to feel treasured by him. You get tremendous satisfaction from pleasing him - it lets you feel good about yourself.

    - being catered too is pleasant but leaves you empty. Catering to him, or perhaps even being used by him, is better, because it makes you feel worthwhile and valuable.

Most Helpful Girls

  • i feel you.

    at least I think. this is my interpretation:

    "it's not about just sex. its about being hunted, the prowl, how safe it is to be with him, how he can be Mr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde in a second. He is gentle in front of friends and family but under the sheets he is a beast and a 'bad boy'.

    Vanilla isn't enough, while it's sweet and intimate, there is something very raw and primal about being not asked because he is confidence he knows what you want. You think you know your limit but he knows it better.

    Then while you're not having sex you're safe with him. He knows your kinky side and your soft side. You both balance each other well. You feel safe in his arms and he feels like a protector."

    or maybe I'm really flowering it up.

    i think if this is going to be a roadblock in your relationship, might as well cut him early and if he wants to know why, be really gentle with him.

    • well, I think you described it pretty well. the only "mistake" is that I don't only want this in the bed, but in the whole relationship. I want him to tell me what to eat, what to wear, what to do. And seem like a nice loving couple if someone looks at us.

    • Yeah, you're pretty sure what you want and if he's the sweet kind you really don't want to taint him. That's how I feel sometimes. While he's not the one, maybe he'll give you a better idea of what you want. Maybe total submission isn't what you want because I think most of the guys now a days like a woman who can think.

    • I still feel like a thinking human being ad a total slave. In a 24/7 relationship I can still tease him and do what I like,only if he doesn't like it I stop. He teaches me how to please him and how to be the best slave I can possibly be. If he likes me to think individually sometimes, I will.

    • Show All

  • Just talk to him, you will never know what he thinks about it unless you ask. And every girl likes different things from a guy so it won't screw him up for future girls, don't worry.

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 4

  • Just don't leave him without telling him why.

    You should stop dating him if you go so far as to label him like an object rather than a man. He's not an individual to you, just a submissive vanilla. He seems like a flexible guy who would be a really nice catch. Let him be with a girl who likes respect.

    • i'm the submissive, he is the vanilla, and this is not about respect, bdsm for me is so much more complicated. I know that he would be a nice catch, that is why I am hesitating. I don't want to make a mistake, but I think that it will only work for me with a naturally dominant man, who likes taking control instead of letting me make the descisions.

    • Break it off. Like I said, the proper way to do it is to explain exactly why it won't work. It's not even a question about whether or not you should stay. It's how you go about it.

  • This sounds like a good guy and I don't get why you want to throw it away for a jerk who won't appreciate you as much. Do you think you don't deserve compliments? This is why us good guys have to learn to be a**holes if we want any female attention.

    • uhm. you are interpreting this wrong. dominant men also give compliments and make me feel good about who I am, if they dont, I dump them

    • You said you don't like that he calls you wonderful all the time. Also, people are supposed to be equal in a relationship.

    • not just that, I don't like it that my needs are superior to his. and I don't care what people are supposed to do, I can't exist in an equal relationship

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  • Stop using that stupid word vanilla and find a guy that will treat you less well.

    • That's not what she wants.

    • It is what she wants. You always love to put your two cents in. Re-read the question. " I am afraid of doing so, because if I tell him that I need him to be less affectionate, than I will screw him up for future vanilla girls who would appreciate this a lot, and I'm not even sure if this would make it better"

  • You don't think you can open him up to all of the stuff you like?

    • Bdsm is not mainly about sex for me, because I am pretty sure I could get him to tie my hands together. I want the man to be a man, telling me what to do, taking control, while respecting me. Not everyone is suitable for doing this, I guess you are either like that by nature or not. I don't want to drag him into something that he isnt.

    • I disagree. I think he can be opened up to that.

    • I guess if you are just trying to find an excuse to break it off with him, this is as good a reason as any.

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