Sexual Health
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Is it really my fault that I brought up two guys and one girl to my bf?

So I was with my boyfriend yesterday and I feel really comfortable around him so I asked him did he ever have a threesome with two girls and he said I'm not going to lie yes. I was like OK so how would you feel if I ever wanted to try two guys at one time. He asked me who I had in mind and I was just like nobody really just wondering how you felt about that. Then he got all mad at me his mood completely changed and he was like I just feel like there is a barrier in between us I don't know what it is. He wasn't talking to me really...he was so mad, and upset that I would even want that or think about that. And it was just a question I thought I could be open with him..with things like that. He kept saying I don't understand why you would want two guys and not another girl. He has trust issues and I try so hard to show him that I love him and that I'm not going no where I had to explain to him again that he is the only guy I want I have no other interest, I'm not talking to other guys behind his back. And then I told him that I try so hard to show that he can trust me then he cuts me off and said and your done trying. Then I said NOOOO I was going to say it hurts my feeling that I can say one thing and you get mad at me and you don't want to talk to me. I had to reassure him remind him that he was my baby, and I loved him. He came back around layed on me and fell asleep in my arms. But I want to know was I wrong why did he get so mad at me? Guys what can I do to make him trust me more? Also what are some things that I can do to break down his wall. Or am I already breaking down his wall and is that why he got upset?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • How you have described things you are already doing the right thing. Letting him know that you are attracted to him, satisfied by him sexually and in love with him are all you can do. Just let him know that it is a fantasy that you have, but it is something that you would only want to try if he was comfortable and it is not in any way that you desire this because he is not enough to satisfy you.

    His ego is bruised and he is worried now that is all. It's quiet natural, I think plenty of girls act the same way when a guy brings it up.. it is just human nature, not a particular guy thing.

    You can't really be mad at him though, you didn't mean it but what he heard was "I am not sure that you are really enough for me or the best guy sexually for me... I would like to try other guys that might turn me on more".

    Sounds like both of your hearts are in the right place though.. I am sure you can work it out.If it is something you definitely want to try and don't want to break up with your boyfriend maybe work up to it by going with 2 girls one guy first.. and when you do it with 2 guys pick a guy that is less masculine than your boyfriend and one he will definitely not feel jealous about.

    Be warned though, only one time I had a 3 some it was my girlfriend that initiated (with her best friend, another girl). Girlfriend took off her clothes and my little soldier stayed down (I had seen it all before) and then her friend took off her clothes and I got incredibly hard... girlfriend chucked a mega sad and didn't talk to me (or her friend) for a week... sometimes these 'fantasies' don't go as planned.

    • Suggesting a threesome before suggesting talking it out is a bad idea...

    • yea I understand and it was just like a fleeting thought. I thought that he could handle it but I'm not going to try any threesomes cause I know one of us will get hurt and feel like we should have never went there.

    • @SiliceousOoze No it's not. not if your aim is to demand respect. if you bring something up calmly and genuinely and someone acts out at you emotionally, that's on them. not you. It's not that you had a bad idea. It's that they have a lack of control of their emotions. Threesomes are just about the most global common fantasy for both men and women. That's a fact, right? If you don't agree please say so, but there's tons of data to prove this is a fact. So, bringing up something that the majority of everyone wants is a fair thing to do in my opinion, but I also think as a matter of principle it's ok to ask if they like something that you do. If you say let's talk about a 3some, or can we talk about it... that's the same thing. it's and admission of interest in it just as much so what's the point. Seems a distinction without a difference.

  • In reality, the vast majority of people can't handle a threesome if they're in a committed relationship. Jealousy almost always occurs, and sometimes unexpectedly.

    People have shared situations here where their SO really wanted a threesome, and so the person reluctantly agreed, and once it happened, they were fine with it, but the person who insisted on the threesome in the first place ended up feeling jealous, even though it was their idea in the first place!

    I tell people all the time: threesomes and other such activities are best left for FWB relationships where there are no feelings to get hurt, because at least 95% of the time, when two people try that stuff in a relationship, the relationship doesn't survive it.

    Even though all you did was TALK about it, you're already dealing with a guy you KNOW is insecure and has a fragile ego. Just talking about it was enough to undermine his feelings of security for a little while. I'm sure he'll recover fine, but the truth is that it takes a HIGH level of maturity to be able to handle a threesome in a relationship, and he is immature and insecure enough that even the IDEA of it is enough to shake him up pretty badly. That's not your fault; clearly this is HIS issue, but knowing that he has this weakness, you should avoid aggravating it in the future.

    • yea true thanks, that's what I ve been doin after I saw how upset he was at me.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Based on your story, I don't believe you did anything "wrong". You tried very hard to be sensitive and considerate to his feelings, and some people would have been able to handle what you said just fine. But clearly he was upset by the notion of you thinking about sex with another guy. The thing is, even though he's had a threesome himself, you didn't find out what the circumstances were. Maybe all three of them were single, and he feels like this is different since you're in a real relationship together. Or maybe he's just too sensitive to handle the idea of you wanting a threesome, even though it's slightly hypocritical. But what's done is done.

    My advice is to talk about this more with him. Let him know that you didn't mean to make him feel threatened, and this isn't something that will interfere with your feelings for him. And I think it would be reasonable for you to ask him to try to be a little more trusting and give you the benefit of the doubt. After all, your intentions were harmless and he shouldn't be continuously making unfair accusations towards you. Hopefully with more communication, the two of you can work this out and reach a compromise.

    • yea thanks so much: )

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What Girls & Guys Said

0 7

  • He got really mad because of trust issues. You got that right.

    To make him trust you more, just always be with him. Compliment and appreciate him often. Tell him how he means to you.

    • yea I have been doing that and I think its working pretty well I guess he just couldn't handle hearing that from me. thanks : )

  • To me its his Ego. he told you he had a 3 some two girls. but I bet this was before y'all ever met.

    But you asked him what if you wanted a 3 some with him an another guy, this would make most guys question their relationship.

    It was how you worded it an, if your man has trust issues, an you feel like you're walking on eggshells. Than you probably might want to rethink what you want to say. I know its a double standard, but if you love someone you'll need to compromise.

    • ok thanks : )

  • You did nothing wrong. You were open and honest. Just as he was. However, you feel secure in yourself. He, for whatever reason, doesn't. However, he's not wrong either. No one's feelings/emotions are wrong, but acting on them is without showing respect and love toward your partner/teammate. You didn't mean to hurt his feelings, and so he was hurt without you having any intent (nor should you feel like what you did was hurtful). You can and should say sorry to him for hurting his feelings. That's not saying you're wrong, its just saying you're not happy that his feelings were hurt.

    Now, he got upset and then hurt your feelings back by acting out. So now you're both hurt and he thinks he has a reason, and here's the kicker. He does have a reason, but it's an emotional reason not an intellectual reason. It's his ego acting/thinking/speaking not his true self, but it's hard to be in our true selves when we are full of fear. Fear that you may leave him so he's in defense mode. If he could understand that and it can be part of you mutually understanding that dynamic then you can really use this as a launching point, and you know what... i GUARANTEE YOU any guy. I repeat ANY GUY, whose really confident in his own body, and comfortable with his own humanity and sexuality would admit that the idea of a threesome with both a girl or a guy, and in many cases mostly guys...

    I'm stoned as fuck right now, so I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but the deal here is that when i was in my 20s I never would have thought I'd find the idea of a MFM/MMF 3some hot. Never. You couldn't have paid me to agree that I would. No I'm 41, happily married to a hot wife of 33. The idea, and it's likely just that, but the idea of her with another girl is, of course, super hot to me. Part of that is I know she loves the idea. However, she also loves the idea of another guy joining us. She likes that more actually, by quite a bit despite wanting both plenty. So, that makes me want it badly but I also want it badly because some guys have really fucking impressive bodies. Super symmetrical, powerful, muscular, shit that takes work or blessings, but a really good sized impressive cock... ummm what kinda porn do you guys like best.. they like seeing hot girls take hot guys big cocks... they don't enjoy ugly guys with small dicks do they.. no that doesn't sell.. wonder why? What's my point (if you're still reading). My point is that he's not upset bc he doesn't find it hot. He's upset because he feels like you want something he can't give you or is scared to consider. That's a normal fear for American males.

    American males are taught that looking at another male body and finding it hot is wrong. Straight up wrong, no pun intended, but not even just bad, or not cool, but wrong. You'll be judged horribly by plenty of people. I wouldn't judge you. I"d high five you and wonder if you were hot. I'd wonder if you were the kinda guy my wife would really find hot and if you'd turn her on. Which is fun, and your guy (this guy or some guy you get into a healthy relationship will absolutely want that bc most guys i know do). It's just most of these same guys never would have said so years ago. Though some would have.

    So... Figure out how to get him to open up. build that trust, but also explain how he reacted was not demonstrating equal terms from you to him, and he to you. That is something that isn't right and you don't expect him to be perfect but he needs to agree that concept isn't great.

    I'm a free lance sex coach so I love this stuff and have tons of personal and professional experience. Feel free to ask any questions if you think i could help.

  • Its not a problem with his wall. Its problem with his trust. If he is like that, and can't trust, just break up with him. If he has trust issues, whether you do a thing or not, he will keep on suspecting you. And you maybe pushed to a point that you can't even talk or even glimpse at a guy without him suspecting something and getting mad. So better get rid of him sooner.

    Saying that, if you really love him and want to work things out with him, you can "obey" whatever he says and see whether trust develops. If so, you can mould yourself if it really matters to you, to be his girl..avoiding all his dislikes and not talking about it.. (this includes not doing 3-sum experience with two guys however much you want to experiment.. AND do 3-sum with him and a girl HE likes, for his pleasure..). So the call is yours. If you can't change for him and if you try to change and still he can't trust, just leave him

  • I think it is so awesome that you care enough that you are trying to get through his personal issues. He became upset because he thought you were telling him that's what you wanted. Even though you were just trying to play the "equality game" in a man's mind a threesome with two women is very different than with two men. He has some security issues. Compliments and showing him devotion will help. I'm sorry to say but guys with trust issues are some of the first to cheat and usually they don't even know why. He has low self esteem. So helping him increase that will help all around. It isn't going to get better overnight, but definitely let him know that you wouldn't ever want to do that, and that you just wanted to know if he thought the same way about both.

  • His trust issues obviously made him think you were trying to hide something when you said "nobody really" saying something like that is a potential red flag to a guy in a relationship regardless of what you know. It would depend on the dynamic between the two of you in the relationship as to if it is even a red flag or not. you just need to be there for him till he gets his trust issues sorted and hopefully it turns out for the best. When he said "you are done trying" he could have also just meant that he didn't want to talk about it anymore at that time. I think you two need to communicate better about what you want out of the relationship, just sit him down and ask him what he wants out of the relationship and then you can tell him what you want and hopefully it'll sort itself out over a difficult conversation that ultimately brings the two of you closer together.

    My ex was saying stuff like "nothing" and "just cause" all the time but that was because she was a sociopath and dating several guys at the same time, I caught her out one night when her lies all fell apart. Perhaps your guy had a similar experience in a past relationship that has created these trust issues? It sounds like however that you really do care for your guy so you just need to work on your communication together so you are both on the same page. Perhaps you should also ask him why he feels there is a wall between the two of you and how you can fix it. If he refuses to communicate what he wants or needs it might be time to unfortunately call it a day and cut your losses because it could be a round peg in a square hole situation. With that said I wish you the best of luck!

    • yea true, when he said wall I guess he met at that point in time everything is OK now. And we want the same things out of each other So I'm happy : ) Thanks

  • No guy ever wants to think his girlfriend ever imagines a different penis inside her. Guys are bad and we fantasize about all kinds of stuff but we have a double standard when it comes to women! We know you have fantasies of other guys but keep it to yourself! Us guys are jealous creatures.

    • Humans in general are jealous creatures. We can all be hurt by this type of thing.

    • hahahaha yea so true.

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