Girlfriend lets lots of guys hold and touch her?

[Anonymous]

Ok so my girlfriend will be very open with guy friends. She has one guy friend who is gay who she lets touch her all the time, they are more or less best friends (in the past before we was together, she told me that she let him try to see if he was interested in women to have sex with her, but he couldn't get hard so nothing happened just was naked). Her having this gay friend that she is close with I can accept even though it honestly does make me uncomfortable. She has lots of guy friends who she will often sit on their lap, let them have their arms around her shoulders and hug them lots. I am not sure the extent she lets them touch her, this is only what she tells me but I don't think it goes much further but it does make me really uncomfortable and I don't like it. I am a very loyal guy and me and her would like to go long term, however I listen to her whenever she has issue and try to address is as you would expect in a relationship. So I do not have as many close girl friends as I did before her and I avoid getting too close to them, maybe an occasional hug at the most but no further even though she still doesn't really like that. (my girl likes to drink alcohol which I don't like though.. I don't think its good because I know how guys are and I think she is a little naive, I know it could easily go another way in my opinion...) need Advise!

[CocoC321]

I'm really touchy-feely too so I understand her, but it doesn't make it right. I am a firm believer in trying to find solutions to these things in a peaceful/reflective manner...I have a couple of things to say:

1) be honest with yourself, why does it bother you so much? do you believe it is morally wrong for her to act that way when you are together? or is there some insecurity mixed in? regardless of the answer you have to explore this with her...if it is morally wrong then you two have different morals (she doesn't see what's so bad about it right?) ...if it is insecurity, then she should be understanding. if she is unwilling to help you be more comfortable with it then she doesn't care as much as she should about your feelings and you should leave before you get hurt.

2) try to understand how she feels. girls relate to guy friends differently then their girlfriends. these guys have probably been good friends with her for some time so she feels incredibly comfortable around them (including drinking with them)...any attempt to separate them and she may feel threatened. don't attack her with it...she may be taking your words as an attack on her & is being stubborn as a result, these guys are her friends. if she is anything like me it is rather difficult to suddenly stop relating to them that way and a lot of the time I'm completely unaware how close we are. talk to her about it in a way that makes her feel special not like there is something wrong with her. (i.e. how you want everyone to know that YOU are the lucky guy who is her boyfriend)

3) try to see if there is any way to compromise on the subject instead of telling her she can't do this or that...like maybe they can still put their arm around her but she'll stop sitting in their laps? she will always be physical with these guys...its who she is and if you really can't take it you guys aren't compatible

BOTTOM LINE: if she can't take some initiative after all of this & show you she cares about your feelings and is willing to work with you so that you feel better...then DUMP HER. its not that she is a horrible person..you just have to respect your own feelings and understand you're setting yourself up to get hurt if you stay. good luck. hope this helps.

[polkiju]

?I'm just like your girlfriend I just don't have a gay friend :P I have lots of guy friends and I always acted like that with them. When I finally got a boyfriend I kept doing all that stuff without realising it annoyed him. One day he just talked to me about it. And I just stopped. So yeah talk to her. She'll get it.

[Asker]

I talked to her about it but she can't get her head around it why its bad

[polkiju]

Give her examples like "if I went to a girl-friend of mine and let her sit on my lap or hold her would you be okay with it?" Make her think about it and if that doesn't work I don't know explain to her that she your girlfriend now. She can't just do that..

[justme20]

Theres nothing wrong with drinking alcohol but you should talk to her about men touching her. That isn't showing you any respect if they do it and she allows it. You will always have a guy trying to get with your girl but she should turn them down

[Asker]

I mentioned alcohol because she gets angry that I won't kiss her after she drinks alcohol (I can't stand the taste, I feel sick) but the way she acts around guys + alcohol isn't a good combination

[justme20]

I don't drink so I know exactly what you mean with the taste and smell. Maybe just try talking to her about her drinking and how she acts and go from there. If she isn't willing to change this then you either have to accept this or go from there and decide what you want to it

[Asker]

She tells me that I should "accept" her the way she is, she enjoys it drinking and "as a boyfriend, you should like me as I am". The way she acts around guys though doesn't make me feel like I am in an exclusive relationship with her -_-

[justme20]

Although its true you should like the way your partner is doesn't mean you have to accept it. Her flirting isn't acceptable when in a relationship. If I were you I would move on. She isn't going to change and by her making that comment that's what she is telling you

[MrOracle]

Okay, a couple of things about this:

1. She *should* make some adjustments to her behavior when she's in a relationship. Most people do that automatically, out of respect to their partner and their relationship. You need to talk to her about that and more specifically, tell her how it makes you feel when she does that.

2. This is who she is, and while she *can* dial it back a bit, she is a touchy-feely person by nature, and will always be that way to some extent. She's going to give hugs and be physically close with other people. You're going to have to accept that about her, and if you can't, then you need to break up.

In other words, BOTH of you should be compromising on this issue. She needs to dial it back, but you need to be more accepting and understanding. That's what being in a relationship is all about, but if it's still more than you can deal with, then the two of you aren't compatible, and in that case, you need to end it before you waste anymore of your (and her) time.

[Asker]

1. she thinks I am just insecure and she isn't doing anything wrong. I can't get her head around why its bad. she has done this for years so its normal to her 2. she doesn't touch her girl friends to this extent, just an occasional hug to them which if it was the opposite way round I would feel a bit more comfortable... I can accept occasional hugs but sitting on other guys laps, letting them hold her for long periods, placing their arms on her shoulders etc are a bit too much for me but she

[MrOracle]

Focus on how it makes you FEEL. You might want to have her imagine how she would feel if you were touching and fondling other girls around her. If you can't work it out, and can't accept things how they are, then just break up with her. Not everyone is compatible, no matter how much they might like each other.

[LuisH]

I understand you. I Would not accept that for sure. I think you should have a serious talk with her, because letting guys touch so much makes every boyfriend uncomfortable and you as a guy know that when you touch a girl much it's because you're liking what you're touching. Am I wrong?

And that gay guy, I would be carefull with that... Even though he's gay they seem a bit too close :S

I wouldn't be so close to other girls, so I would expect my girlfriend to do the same...

[Asker]

believe me, he is definitly gay, I don't think he has an sexual attraction to girls at all but still. That doesn't stop him from being a man touching a woman. I am not comfortable with that, to be honest... I wouldn't like girls touching my girl to that extent but its more acceptable for that. I tried speaking to her, but she can't get her head arond why I would have a problem, she just doesn't understand and thinks I'm controlling telling her not to

[LuisH]

I'll Agree with G_GTom. It would also be a deal breaker to me if she had this behavior . In your situation it seems difficult, but I think the only option is making her see it makes you uncomfortable. Show her that most guys don't touch just out of friendship. You're a guy, you know that. She must also understand it.

[Asker]

I think it would be easier if she only done that for a short period. but I met her through a friend so didn't know her to that extent until I was deep in a relationship with her, I have strong feelings for her. But she has been like this with guys for years, I imagine years before we met so she sees it as normal now...

[G_GTom]

She needs the attention. You can choose the handle the situation any way you'd like, but I'd move on. How did you not see this prior to becoming exclusive with her?

[Asker]

I REALLY like her :(, I try to give her as much attention as I can which I enjoy but whenever she is with friends who are guys, she will act like that. I tried taking it up to speak to her but she can't get her head around why I think its bad

[G_GTom]

Well, if you like her that much, you're going to have deal with it. I have found that people can try to control their behavior, but they don't change. This behavior would be have been a major red flag for me would have lost attraction to her.

[ThreeIn]

So she's all over her friends but doesn't like it when you hug yours?

DUMP HER.