Sexual Health
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Could this be blocked true memories of child abuse or just my f***ed up mind?

Okay long story short, I've been getting flashback images in my head for the past year. Am not sure if these are flashbacks or just my mind is playing tricks on me. My parents got divorced when I was 5 but my mother left the house when I was about 2 years old, my dad used to abuse her physically cause she used to cheat. The main story is, this started when I as 18 and I saw my first penis, I felt like I've seen and touched this before but I don't know when was that, I remembered the smell and sounds but still had no memory of this at all. I got raped by the same guy and this is another story, not my main subject but could have effected me somehow. I used to remember sleeping next to my dad when my mother left, my dad always stroked my thighs back and spanked my ass as a joke when I was little, even now when am older he does the same and tries to make me sit on his lap but I don't allow it now, I've always found normal for a parent to do with his child but now am old its weird! Now the tricky part is, it started with nightmares of my dad trying to touch me or do stuff with me and I seem to not enjoy it at all and feel disgusted and trying to escape but it continues. I once was masturbating and his image popped in my head and I felt icky and stopped and wondered for days why do I have these weird sexual dreams with dad and why is this happening... But no explanation.. I sort of blamed the incest stories I heard over the years, movies media etc.. But last night something weird happened and I was certain something happened to me when I was approximately 6 years old... Last night I was making out with my current boyfriend on an old bed that used to belong to my birth mother and father, the same bed my dad used to sleep in in our old house... We were kissing and I suddenly re experienced some actions and felt turned off and negative energy coming from the bed and told him to stop immediately.. I felt like my dad did something to me in this bed and made me touch his private parts and I remember an image of him getting of the bed and I've always had this image stuck in my head through out the years of my dads balls! So gross.. I am not sexually attracted to him whatsoever, I am grossed out by these images in my head and I want to know the truth if he did that to me or not, but it is impossible for me to speak to anyone about this.. Another crazy story, my dad used to watch soft p*rn when I am in the same room when I was 15 and start making noises and I would get up and leave the room... Another sysptom is that I am overly sexual, very high sex drive, started masturbating at age 7 and am into bdsm as well... Does this seem like a post traumatic thing? perhaps I blocked out the bad memories and its coming to me now 20 years later? Please help me I need to know if anyone been through this, if it could have happened or is it just my mind?
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Most Helpful Guys

  • You've got to be careful in deciding what it was, because it could be EITHER abuse or just this Electra complex thing.

    Let me share my experiences...

    The other night, my partner had been depriving me sex for a number of days, and I was pretty mad with her. Being the one-woman man I am, it's pretty hard for me to even think of someone else in my fantasies. In normal situations, I would be dreaming of my partner in some sexual situation (it has happened before). Since I was terribly angry with her, I ended up dreaming of sex with my mother!

    I can pretty well assure you that nothing of this sort happened in real life. To me, it was just the Oedipus complex... Sex plays on our mind in strange ways.

    As for your father masturbating ... I don't intend to make light of this, but it's pretty normal for a sex-starved male in his forties to see this outlet one way or the other. Of course, one can say it was pretty shoddy of him to do so while you were around, or to watch p*rn in the same room. But then, as I know myself, when the urge for obtaining sexual relief overtakes you, sometimes discretion is not one's best friend!

    I also think it's pretty normal as children to have at least some childhood memories of our parents having sex in the same bed, thinking that we were asleep!

    When I was young, maybe 9 or 11, I recall this strange dream where I saw my parents in the garden, sitting in some strange position and attempting to connect with each other through some lengthy 'tube'. It was only later that I understood that this could have been my childhood interpretation of sex!

    I've not faced any abuse issues ever, but my father used to be quite careless about all the p*rn he viewed. Ditto for his extra-marital affairs with a range of women, some of whose letters to him really shocked me as a young boy!

    • I hope this isn't actually true, and my mind is just tricking me and its not repressed memories because I already think I had a f***ed up childhood and wouldn't want another thing on my list!

  • First off it makes me incredibly sad to hear personal histories like yours. It makes me fear having adaughter because while I know I would never subject them to the type of stuff you describe the world can be a scary and f*cked up place for people, women especially...

    a therapist would help uncover whether these are repressed memories surfacing or whether they are simply fabrications of the mind.

    My opinion it sounds like you had a pretty traumatizing childhood so it wouldn't be surprising if these are in fact repressed memories coming back to you. Often it only takes a small trigger to set off a wave of repressed sublimated feelings. Definitely find a good psychologist to talk to.

    Good luck!

    • I think it would be wise not have kids, because this is a f***ed up world... I would speak to a therapist if I am sure that these images are real. Are you absolutely sure these are repressed memories?

    • I'm not sure, but I'm also no professional. But I'd say that based on what you do remember about your life and now these images occuring it does sound like they could be repressed memories. Either way a therapist would be able to help you work through it... I know the world is f*cked up but it doesn't really make me think people should bring children into it.

    • I don't think I will be having kids either... And I really hope these aren't repressed memories because I don't want to go through this now.. I barely got over the rape thing!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I know I've been sexually abused as a kid. I got flash backs just like the ones you're describing. You should talk to a therapist. It's very likely that he did sexually abuse you.

    • Ok thank you. Did you confront your abuser and found out it was true and all the memories we save are true?

    • Uh sorta. I told the my mom, I was only 12. It was my father, and he committed suicide. So yeah, that happened haha. It stopped right before when I told my mum about it, so I didn't have repressed memories or anything. It was still very real. No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, flashbacks still happened though. Still do.

    • That sucks... Am sorry to hear about this. I hope in my case it isn't true because my life is already f***ed up as it is without this..

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • You need to check around and find the best therapist you can and get to them. This isn't something that us amateurs should even get close to. I can only imagine the pain and confusion but you need a pro. If you can't afford the cost, check with the local community clinic for a referral. Godspeed!

    • I know I should but not sure if I should because this could be just icky image that we humans cannot control. But is it serious, am not sure!

    • Trust me, it's serious. Get some help. This isn't something you want to carry around unresolved.

    • I hope its not.. And I will talk about it with someone, I just hope its not true

  • You need someone outside your normal scenario but part of your everyday life whom you can trust. And who can give you something else to occupy your mind. Your traumas have filled you with doubts, a sense of (misplaced?) deja vu, and the haunting of impure thoughts.

    Repressing it is not the same as overcoming it, or making peace with your history. And until you find something healthy to occupy your mind, the demons will keep coming back - with friends. (Luke 11:26)

    Yes, your mind is very broken. It is much more broken than your body has ever been. But it is not broken beyond the ability to heal. So heal you must. I'd advise finding another environment, if you haven't already done so. And question your present taste in men. It may be making you your own worst enemy.

    • I agree. Thank you and will seek help as soon as possible because something isn't right!

  • I have no idea what happened to you or not...but do not underestimate our brain's ability to completely make up memories.

    You can confront your dad and find out the truth, but if he's unwilling or unable to confirm your fears, I don't know that even a therapist could find the truth for you.

    • Exactly, I read somewhere that our minds save up every single thing whether its body sense of smell touch etc and it would be hard for me to confront him before being sure!

  • Have you tried hypnosis? A psychiatrist can put you under hypnosis and you should be able to remember things that happened to you when you were a kid.

  • Analyze your own words here and categorize them and come to a conclusion... Visual memory is really tricky because it does overlays. So you can overlay two or three experience and mix them up when they are visual memories. Further the fact that you question your own mind means there are clues to this story that are might cause you to question it for good reason. I say write or look in a mirror, something to ground you and see if you can come up with any supportive memories, if you can not then you know your answer. I'm not going to give you my opinion beyond that, because it would be leading the witness so to speak.

  • find help, your are a hurt little girl inside.

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