I feel so bad...my boyfriend can't stay hard

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now. He's a 39 year old ex-smoker of 10 years that drinks occasionally. He has a great physique...played hockey for 20 years and he works out. I'm a 27 year old health nut that loves sex.

Within the last 2 months, we've been trying to have sex but he cannot seem to keep his erection. Even when I give him oral sex, his penis is usually flaccid in my mouth. Otherwise, when we fool around, he's hard as a rock...but the moment clothes come off, he can't stay hard.

I'm kinda concerned that he is turned off by my unusual body type (I'm 5'2", 115lbs wearing a G cup bra...grandma had huge boobs too...lol). He assures me that he likes my body although he NEVER looks at me or any part of my body during sex. I know it's normal to close your eyes during sex, but this erection issue has me thinking lots of crazy things lately.

The other day, he asked if I've ever considered a breast reduction. I've never had surgery before and the thought of anyone cutting my body open freaks me out completely. Plus, I do a lot of back and ab exercises when I go to the gym, so I don't have any back pain...so I've never had to consider surgery before. Was that his subtle way of telling me he doesn't like big breasts? Am I just being too sensitive? I've never had anyone complain about them before.

Sometimes he is hard enough to get it in, but it has NEVER lasted more than 15 mins. This is going to sound terrible, but...I've faked orgasms with him a few times to boost his confidence (in case it was an insecurity issue), but that hasn't seemed to make a difference. Instead, he almost seems relieved that he can stop having sex with me. So, he usually stops and says he needs a break...but we never go at it again. He has only ejaculated twice...I haven't had an orgasm with him at all (although he thinks I have on many occasions).

When he loses his erection during sex and we have to stop, he always says, "I don't know what happened. This has NEVER happened before." It's not very flattering to know that I'm the only girl he can't get hard for. The last time he had sex in his previous relationship was 3 months ago. So, only within the last 3 months of knowing me, he hasn't been able to maintain an erection.

I always tell him that it's okay and we both make excuses for why it happens (he's tired, he had too much to drink, he has a cold)...but the truth is, those excuses don't apply to all 60 days we've been trying to get intimate.

I'm scared of letting him know how insecure this is all making me feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. Plus, I don't want to put additional pressure on him.

Now, I'M the one that's becoming insecure...I need help/advice.

What can I do to drive him crazy in bed? Is it possible that my disproportionate body freaks him out?

I was supposed to see him today, but I got crazy anxiety over the situation and I didn't sleep all night. So, I ended up falling asleep at 10:00am and canceling our plans to hang out since I was tired.Well, I'm gonna try talking to him about it tomorrow.
He finally told me the truth. He says that when he puts it in, he's so excited that he wants to ejaculate within the first few minutes. But, he tries to hold off and he ends up losing his erection because he tries thinking about other things.
Man, I was relieved to hear that. I told him to just ejaculate and not hold it in. Eventually, it'll take longer and longer for him to climax. So, that's what we did today. He came twice within 10 mins and once within 30 mins.
And, apparently he inquired about the breast reduction because when he was massaging my back and it felt tight so he assumed that I had back problems. Oh my goodness, I feel so ridiculous! Okay, so apparently the problem wasn't really a BIG problem.
Although the issue was completely different, most people here encouraged me to talk to him about it. If it weren't for you, I'd still be having anxiety over this. We're going to continue to figure out how to effectively communicate with each other.
Thanks everyone for your advice and help.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I feel for you, its quite a difficult problem to tackle.

    I had a similar problem when I first started seeing my current girlfriend of 4 years. It was insane because I found her massively attractive and wanted to have sex with her so much it just didn't seem to make sense. I decided to go see a doctor to try find out if this was physical or just in my head. The doctor took some blood samples and it was confirmed that the issue was not physical, which I guess was a slight relief but then I had to address what psychological issues were causing this.

    To cut a long story short I am pretty sure that the cause was a loss of self confidence that stemmed from a pretty messy breakup from my ex. I also put myself under quite a lot of pressure as I really liked this girl and really wanted to please her, so I think I was struggling to relax in the bedroom.

    Once these problems start to occur it can become a vicious circle as you start to worry about it happening in advance which obviously does not help and you also worry about how your partner is going to feel. This problem did not last long for me as we were able to talk it over which I think is key. Things are great between us now and we have an amazing sex life.

    In your case I think the best thing to do would be to try and get your partner to see a doctor first, just so you can eliminate the possibility of it being a physical problem. Then the next step is to just try and talk about it, try and be as open as possible about things and hopefully things will start to improve.

    Sensitivity is probably the most important issue from both sides here as these kinds of problems can cause so much insecurity for both of you. Him making comments like 'Its never happened to me before' is pretty thoughtless as its almost like blaming you.

    I don't think you need to worry about it being an issue relating to your physical appearance (although the comment he made about breast reduction is pretty crazy). It sounds to me as though this is him struggling to adapt sexually to a new partner.

    • Report

      Man, it's great to hear your story. Did you keep trying to have sex with your girlfriend at the time or did you wait until you figured out what was going on. I think that's the most frustrating/hurtful/embarrassing part...he keeps trying to have sex throughout the day, so we both have this embarrassment 2-3 times a day.

      Btw, I'm glad you were able to work through it and things are going well now. Good for you.