I feel so bad...my boyfriend can't stay hard
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months now. He's a 39 year old ex-smoker of 10 years that drinks occasionally. He has a great physique...played hockey for 20 years and he works out. I'm a 27 year old health nut that loves sex.
Within the last 2 months, we've been trying to have sex but he cannot seem to keep his erection. Even when I give him oral sex, his penis is usually flaccid in my mouth. Otherwise, when we fool around, he's hard as a rock...but the moment clothes come off, he can't stay hard.
I'm kinda concerned that he is turned off by my unusual body type (I'm 5'2", 115lbs wearing a G cup bra...grandma had huge boobs too...lol). He assures me that he likes my body although he NEVER looks at me or any part of my body during sex. I know it's normal to close your eyes during sex, but this erection issue has me thinking lots of crazy things lately.
The other day, he asked if I've ever considered a breast reduction. I've never had surgery before and the thought of anyone cutting my body open freaks me out completely. Plus, I do a lot of back and ab exercises when I go to the gym, so I don't have any back pain...so I've never had to consider surgery before. Was that his subtle way of telling me he doesn't like big breasts? Am I just being too sensitive? I've never had anyone complain about them before.
Sometimes he is hard enough to get it in, but it has NEVER lasted more than 15 mins. This is going to sound terrible, but...I've faked orgasms with him a few times to boost his confidence (in case it was an insecurity issue), but that hasn't seemed to make a difference. Instead, he almost seems relieved that he can stop having sex with me. So, he usually stops and says he needs a break...but we never go at it again. He has only ejaculated twice...I haven't had an orgasm with him at all (although he thinks I have on many occasions).
When he loses his erection during sex and we have to stop, he always says, "I don't know what happened. This has NEVER happened before." It's not very flattering to know that I'm the only girl he can't get hard for. The last time he had sex in his previous relationship was 3 months ago. So, only within the last 3 months of knowing me, he hasn't been able to maintain an erection.
I always tell him that it's okay and we both make excuses for why it happens (he's tired, he had too much to drink, he has a cold)...but the truth is, those excuses don't apply to all 60 days we've been trying to get intimate.
I'm scared of letting him know how insecure this is all making me feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. Plus, I don't want to put additional pressure on him.
Now, I'M the one that's becoming insecure...I need help/advice.
What can I do to drive him crazy in bed? Is it possible that my disproportionate body freaks him out?
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
I feel for you, its quite a difficult problem to tackle.
I had a similar problem when I first started seeing my current girlfriend of 4 years. It was insane because I found her massively attractive and wanted to have sex with her so much it just didn't seem to make sense. I decided to go see a doctor to try find out if this was physical or just in my head. The doctor took some blood samples and it was confirmed that the issue was not physical, which I guess was a slight relief but then I had to address what psychological issues were causing this.
To cut a long story short I am pretty sure that the cause was a loss of self confidence that stemmed from a pretty messy breakup from my ex. I also put myself under quite a lot of pressure as I really liked this girl and really wanted to please her, so I think I was struggling to relax in the bedroom.
Once these problems start to occur it can become a vicious circle as you start to worry about it happening in advance which obviously does not help and you also worry about how your partner is going to feel. This problem did not last long for me as we were able to talk it over which I think is key. Things are great between us now and we have an amazing sex life.
In your case I think the best thing to do would be to try and get your partner to see a doctor first, just so you can eliminate the possibility of it being a physical problem. Then the next step is to just try and talk about it, try and be as open as possible about things and hopefully things will start to improve.
Sensitivity is probably the most important issue from both sides here as these kinds of problems can cause so much insecurity for both of you. Him making comments like 'Its never happened to me before' is pretty thoughtless as its almost like blaming you.
I don't think you need to worry about it being an issue relating to your physical appearance (although the comment he made about breast reduction is pretty crazy). It sounds to me as though this is him struggling to adapt sexually to a new partner.
What Guys Said 4
Age is a factor here. When men enter their 40s, their sexual energies start to change. This is not saying that everyone man over 40 becomes impotent. But, as if by nature's order, it is time for them to slow down, do reviews of their life, set the tone and plan for the latter half of their life. It is like the intermission between the first and second half of a 90 minutes soccer game. And not only men, women have this phase of life too.
I don't think your body is what the problem is I think he has a problem staying hard. I'm sure for most men with this problem it's hard to admit to. Especially since it sounds like he is the kind of hockey playing, drinking, smoking, type. It may not even be that it's hard to admit to you, he may be struggling to admit to himself that he can't keep it up that's why he always has excuses. I have been with women that don't have the greatest bodies and when it's time to go I have no problem getting it up so I really doubt it's just because you have big boobs. I would maybe try mentioning in a really nice way that he see a doctor, you could even say you're concerned that it could be something more serious wrong down there. Good luck.
It can happen (I've read posts about under 18 year old guys), but it's more likely to happen when older. It's also more likely to happen to a pot smoker, a drinker or someone who is worried or ill. The problem is rarely with the woman or with the penis. He obviously knew about your cup size when he started dating, it would be difficult to overlook.
I see lots of questions unanswered:
Did he tell you the truth concerning his ex(es)? Is the "never happened before" sincere or a way of shifting the "guilt " from him to you?
How much is he in love with you? Feelings of guilt about a situation?
Some more talking between you about all this might help to pinpoint the cause. (I know, the subject is a delicate one)
A penis ring can help.
Eventually, they write and say lots about Viagra (I didn't try it) but it seems to work only when there's lust. Who initiates sexual play: he or you?
How's it if he masturbates? Probably as hard as when you fool around.
Which phantasms does he use masturbating? Skinny flat chested women?
If you're fair haired and light skinned, tanning your breasts (self tanning in a tube) might change looks as might lip stick on your areoles.
What Girls Said 2
If going down on him doesn't even get him hard, then I'm at kind of a loss.
Serious question, are you sure he's straight? I could see a gay guy who's in denial acting like this. Actually I think it'd be exactly how they would act. Right down to the thinking a girl's breasts were too big (it's just not something that straight guys usually think).
The other day, he asked if I've ever considered a breast reduction. " dump him. he's obviously not happy about you and making you insecure, so he's not worth it.
When he loses his erection during sex and we have to stop, he always says, "I don't know what happened. This has NEVER happened before."" it probably has happened all the time, he just needs to say that so you don't think there's something wrong with him.
3. "I'm scared of letting him know how insecure this is all making me feel because I don't want him to feel worse than he already does" if he asked you for a boob job, chances are he's only thinking of himself.