Sexual Health
+1 y

My boyfriend is into BDSM and I'm not sure if I am, because I'm still a virgin

I have no clue how to react to this? Is it best just break up, because he clearly wants that and I don't know if I do? I guess I'm just not really what he expected sexually. The whole story is that we've been dating for 4 months and recently been talking about having sex. The other day he said he needed to talk to me about that and well he showed me a tumblr page he made with stuff he is into. My first thought was that he likes it rough and that's what I told him. He said something like "Ya I do, but don't worry about it now, I'll be very gentle at first of course" It wasn't all rough, some pictures were kind of romantic, but all had the theme of an obviously dominant man with a pretty, young submissive acting girl This is a bit embarassing, but when I mastubate, I watch thing similar to that. However I think watching is essentially different from doing. A lot of things I watch I'd never do myself and other I'm not sure I would enjoy. He didn't say it but I feel he wants to make a decision, that if I'm not into that kind of stuff I should break up. And I'm not sure if I am, so should better break up?
0 0

Most Helpful Guys

  • I'm going to go with the general crowd here.

    You are a sweet virgin... just starting out on your sexual adventures. At best- no matter what kind of games you may end up playing- remember that sex is a truly intimate experience... of mind as well as body. At its very best it is loving and exciting and simply "wow!"... all rolled into one.

    This is something p*rn has never figured out. The act itself... all the thrashing around of bodies, is just a part of it... and to my mind, the smallest part, when it's REALLY great sex. Its all about your connection to that other person.

    There are different types of connections- to be sure... and to each his or her own. Some people (such as myself) feel it's 100% mutual and equal. l love to bring tremendous pleasure to my partner in any way that I know works for her... what SHE likes. If she likes it- so will I.

    BDSM is about power- and to some degree about power sharing- but usually one partner is always dominant and the other always submissive. It is about pain and (maybe) pleasure... IF that's what turns your wheel.

    If you are not 100% sure that this is EXACTLY what you want... walk away. Never get roped into something that isn't what YOU want.

    Personally...? l think BDSM is a pretty damned rough way to start out.

    Only a handful of people get into that whole game... and it usually happens later... should you somehow come to discover that side in yourself- and wish to explore and satisfy it...

    ... IF you ever do. I never have... myself...

  • Well this one is mildly complex. The question is multi-faceted since not all BSDM practices are the same. Some couples go as far as just using domineering behavior while others can go all the way up to torture-like devices and require "dungeons". I mean if he's into light BDSM you probably wouldn't have too great an issue but the more hardcore he is, esp. when it comes to crossing the pain threshold, the less likely you will enjoy it.

    Generally speaking people grow into BDSM through some form of exposure, it is true, but there is still a distinct difference between rougher sexual encounters and actual BDSM lifestyles so you may find that you might like one but not the other. If he is demanding an answer right now however I would strongly recommend you break-up with the young man. Relationships of the BDSM-type tend to develop on their own and not really get "formally" introduced but then again I guess you have to start somewhere too if it is to happen.

    In all honestly it isn't what you masturbate to but how you masturbate and if you enjoy the concept of being submissive to someone and to what extreme. I mean there's lines and levels that everyone has and they may not match up with his making you two a bad pair even if you both like the lifestyle / behaviors / activities.

    • I didn't seem dugeoney. There wasn't anything that I thought was totally shoking. A lot of things I would be willing to try, like anal, but only a bit later down the road, and even then I wouldn't do it again if I didn't enjoy it. What different ways to mastubate are there? I think I mastubate normal

    • I'll summarize with a question for you: "Will it hurt?" - That's it. Anal by the way isn't really a BDSM thing but if you're willing to try it and not immediately turned off by it were the images things of pain? That's where the dividing line is for most people. Generally sensory deprivation and immobilization are harmless for couples whether it's just starting out or experienced vets. As for how you masturbate it's normal and I won't delve into that, it's off-topic.

Most Helpful Girls

  • I wouldn't break up with him.

    You watch this stuff when you masturbate and it gets you off. The same thing applies to him; he just might be more willing to implement it in his own sex life.

    I think the thing you have to remember is that you're a virgin. You don't know what you like yet. I'm pretty sure that he's not wanting to throw you straight into something like this seen as he's waited, and been honest with you about what he likes sometimes.

    You also have to remember there are different levels of this. He might just like kinky sex from time to time, which the majority of people would be pretty down with. Then there are things which are much more extreme, are a constant in sex life and sometimes spread into 'normal' life beyond sex. What you need to do is talk to him. Express your fears. And that you're definitely not ready to explore anything like that yet. It's hard to guess at what your sex life might be like with someone without trying it out. So if everything else in the relationship is working, I wouldn't be rash and strike it to a close now just because he MIGHT want sex in a way you MIGHT not enjoy. At least when you have so little information on his specifics.

  • Try it. My boyfriend and I are into that kind of stuff, but mostly we just have normal sex. If he's into it really hardcore it might work out, but if just every once in a while he wants to pin you down and spank you (and you're alright with that) then go for it. However, if he starts talking about you being submissive outside the bedroom and you don't know each other well and you're not comfortable with that, I'd get out of there.

  • Don't break up over something that little. If you love him and have feelings for him, you have no reason to break up. If you decide to have sex, just have normal sex. You don't have to accommodate to his fetishes. Later once you are comfortable with sex you can try it to see if you like it, if you don't like it, don't do it.

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What's Your Opinion? Sign Up Now!

Related Questions

Girls, do you have sex drive?
I just want to get fucked! How to get a guy to approach you/notice you at a party?
Are you mentally ill or mentally healthy, and is it difficult or easy for you to orgasm during masturbation?
If a guy told you he could cum farther than he can pee, what would be your reaction?

What Girls & Guys Said

1 8

  • Yeah, I'm thinking that this guy would be sort of like teaching a 15 year old to drive by putting them behind the wheel of a Porsche: way too much, way too fast. BDSM is for people who can't get their needs met by ordinary sex, or for people with some experience that want to add some spice to things, it's not for someone who is just starting out.

    I think your Boyfriend will try to take you from 0-60 in about 4 seconds, he may be fairly gentle the first time but it will go downhill very quickly after that. The problem is that first experiences are very important in shaping your attitudes towards sex and if you have some bad experience it could leave you bent in a way that will make your life difficult.

    Ask yourself this question: if you had a daughter in the same situation, what would you tell her to do? Apply the same advice to yourself. I think you would be better off telling this guy to take his nipple clamps and ball gags and go find someone who enjoys that sort of stuff. Tell him about craigslist and how he can find all of the freaky stuff he needs there.

  • You generate a need for bdsm later on into your sex life, you don't just realize your into it and then jump in. Bdsm is a made art of dominance, which shouldn't be taken lightly. I think you should experience sex in the way you want to first before deciding bdsm is for you, because this really is a dark art of a sexual nature. x

  • I'd suggest you be honest. Tell him that watching that type of thing turns you on as well, but you're not sure whether you'll ever want or enjoy actually participating in that type of sex.

  • Yeah, I don't think that's something for a virgin to be getting into.

  • If I were you I would just be like "I'm into BDSM too!" and then show up at his house with a corset, stilettos, and a whip

  • Hello



    I was in your boyfriends shoes and have always been into BDSM my girlfriend was very unsure about trying BDSM when I first told her I liked it. However over a few days she thought about it and wanted to give the basics a go so I introduced her to very light ideas that are considered to me as just playing around such as tying her up and talking to her as if she was submissive. She agreed and we tried it. I can safely say she loved it and now 3 months later she seems to be getting as kinky as me. I'm not going to go into detail but one thing you should always remember with BDSM try something before judging it a lot of people who respond to thing like this have no idea what they are talking about and will be responding with no experience behind them.

    A few tips

    1. Make sure he is confident no one wants a shy master/owner whatever your preference is

    2. if you have something you want to try that you think you will like. tell him the most important thing in a BDSM relationship is communication .

    3. Take things slow to begin with and make he is patient with you.

    Lastly this may not apply for him but if you are going to try something with him don't use phrases like "I don't mind" and "if you want" its really off putting and can make him unsure if you want to be doing whatever it is you are. (can lead to awkward moments)

    I hope whatever you choose to do is right for you. Do you YOU want not what people with negative views on things say you shouldn't. Enjoy life with or without BDSM. Have a good day.

    If anyone would like to ask more questions on this matter or any other BDSM related questions but would like to ask someone in private please feel fee to message me privately on ask.bdsm.qa@gmail.com

    replies may take up to 48hrs.



    Have fun.

  • Well, you don't need to engage into it if you don't want to experience it soon enough until you're ready.

  • If you are not comfortable express that to him. If this is an absolute necessity for him then its time to let him go.

  • Well, if you're still not ready for those, you better break up.

Latest Questions

He goes soft with me?
Women, if you were men would you care about women's body count?
Why couples like shower sex?
Is okay when our boyfriend touches us down there?
Home >  Sexual Health  > My boyfriend is into BDSM and I'm not sure if I am, because I'm still a virgin