So my boyfriend thinks that "good girls don't get raped" and I'm not sure what to think about it

[Anonymous]

Or at least "good girls rarley get raped". There is this girl in hour school. She got drunk at some frat party and then appearently got raped. We were talking about and the first thing my boyfriend said about it was "I'm not saying she was asking for it, but you know how she dresses and you don't get that drunk that you can't even yell for help anymore" We discussed it a bit further than that and it became obvious that while he clearly says it's the rapist fault, he also thinks it's partly her fault for being irresponsible. He said Girls who stay in groups, dress moderatley and don't act crazy barley get raped. That rape was mostly a matter of oppurtunity and she was making it easy.

[Anonymous]

People do seem to put themselves in compromising positions these days. Some people would have avoided being raped if they'd not gotten so drunk with a room full of drunk and horny guys. I do often yell at my screen when news reports tell these stories. "Stupid girls!"

Here's the thing - rape is rape. Someone shouldn't have to specify that they don't want their unconscious body raped, you know? That should be a given. The fact that SO many men think it's completely okay to have sex with someone who is so drunk she can't walk, THAT is much more disturbing than the stupid girl who put herself in that position. AND, she paid for her stupidity, by being raped. The guys should pay as well.

Another thought - think of how many CHILDREN get raped. They're not drunk at a party or wearing skimpy clothes.

I think it's gotten pretty scary, truthfully. Not just that women do this and put themselves in that position but also that it's become so dangerous to even fall asleep around people.

I had a party once, I was older (22 I think). One girl, who I didn't even like (haha), got very drunk and we eventually put her in my bed. An hour or so later, a friend of a friend of a friend was caught pulling her skirt up in bed, she was out. I punched him and kicked him out of my house.

So yes, they put themselves in these situations sometimes, but dang guys... it's ridiculous that every party turns into a rape fest these days. Ugh.

[washize]

Leave that douche bag. EVERYBODY gets raped. It isn't something that happens to bad people or something that Someone asks for!

My ex, who was a MAN was raped by his best friend at a party. HE wasn't asking for it! That rape ruined his ability to trust, and our relationship.

It doesn't matter how you dress, how attractive you are, how many friends you hang out with, est. You can be raped at any time MOSTLY BY THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW!

Guys like this are the TYPE OF MEN WHO ARE MOST LIKELY TO RAPE YOU!

They believe that its not rape if you're in a relationship.

They believe that its not rape if you're sleeping.

They believe its not rape if its not violent.

They believe that rape is a "Normal" male urge.

They believe that rape is caused by women "taunting" men.

They believe that rape is ONLY a womans issue.

They believe that sex is owed in a friendship.

They believe that NO MATTER THE CIRCUMSTANCES THE VICTIM are responsible for the rape to some degree.

After my ex-boyfriend was raped, it opened a whole NEW world of reality. More of my male friends came out themselves to me about being raped by a family member, neighbor, est and how it ruined their lives. IT happens to old people AS WELL!

Guys who think like your boyfriend are more statistically likely to be a rapist and to encourage a rape environment.

[Asker]

He wasn't saying it can't happen to anyone just that it's a lot more likley if you behave a certain way. I'm not even sure if that is true or not statistically speaking

[washize]

It's bull. Staying with him, you will more than likely get raped.

[Konnour]

Wow - that's the new way of overreacting! There's a saying: "Look after yourself and the God will look after you!" The chances of someone being raped who is dressing moderately / sober / acts cool are very very slim, basically zero However - if there's a girl who's barely wearing anything, wasted and around tons of guys, sorry but she's playing with fire!

[washize]

OH STFU! Studies show that women who dress modestly and wear ponytails are the prime targets for rapists. Interviewed rapists choose women who are less likely to scream, They look for women who are easy to hold on to (Which is the pony tail and LONG clothing). Women who walk with their head down, and women on cellphones are often targets. Why don't you rape apologists ever bring up these FACTS? Women with short hair and clothing are harder to grab and apprehend. Freaking rapist.

[Konnour]

You're too f***ing stupid & ignorant to understand it all, and I'm not a rapist - if I would be living in the USA I could easily throw your ass into the jail for such extreme, groundless accusions! F***ing uptight bitch!

[Asker]

Let's keep civil here. I've heard the same statistics you said too, so I believe they have some kind of truth to it. At the same there are probably gonna be situation where rapist will choose the easiest target and a girl that's alone and completley wasted makes a pretty good victim. The thing is just there are so many variables you can't really protect yourself . But I think saying my boyfriend would rape me is a long shot

[Robotic]

'But I think saying my boyfriend would rape me is a long shot' Yes it is.

[washize]

Lol I'm Uptight? You're the one whining spreading lies about Rape. Most rapists think women deserve it or that they were asking for it. Which is your thought process. Your beliefs are in line with those of a rapist. All of the witnesses to the steubenville rape didn't think what those boys were doing was wrong either. If your boyfriend doesn't understand the context of rape "beyond bad girls getting just desserts" I wouldn't be surprised if you became another statistic.

[Asker]

Sorry what? what you just said was no relation to what I said

[RideThroughTheRain]

Konnour, no. You could not get her arrested. Don't say silly things like that. And washize, I'm sorry, but you're wrong about the ponytails. Men rape women with all different lengths of hair and hairstyles. Head down and cell phones, that part is true. Looking like you won't fight back/won't notice until too late, those are dangerous things.

[washize]

Rapists themselves, statistics annalists, sociologists, and psychologists are far more qualified to to speak about rape and the VICTIMS OF RAPE. A researcher that dedicates their whole lives and career to the study of rape and the Victims of rape is far more credible than some Random people on the internet who blame Women for the bad behavior of men. Research and statistics show that rapists prefer their victims to have an item that they can hold them by. A Ponytail, long clothing, Stocking, est

[xHoneyxBeex]

I pretty much agree with your boyfriend. I mean of course, rape is never the woman's fault and no woman "asks" for it. However, some woman do NOT have any common sense or street smarts.

Yes, girls should be able to wear whatever they want and no man should touch them without their consent. But we do not live in a perfect world. If a woman goes out dressed promiscuously, she should use some common sense. She should stay with other people and not get so wasted that she doesn't have a clue what's going on.

I am not in any way, shape, or form sticking up for rapists, because the rapists are fully to blame and should be held accountable for their actions, however, women need to take on some personal responsibility for themselves when they go out. Be smart about it and know where you are and what you are doing at all times. Carry some pepper spray or a taser for self-protection. That right there would prevent a lot of rapes from occurring.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Wow...don't listen to these women who say to break up with your boyfriend. That's ridiculous. He DOES have a point, like I mentioned in my answer.

[MorbidPrincess94]

I totally agree. I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Asker]

I do agree with him on that part too, but he clearly said he does blame her partly and what also bothers me is that lack of compassion he showed towards her, that he justified with her behaving wrong.Idk no matter what she did, most people would honestly feel sorry for her, he didn't

[xHoneyxBeex]

Well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Sure, he should show some empathy towards her, but acting responsible when a female goes out will stop many rapes from happening. From the information you gave in this question, I feel like your boyfriend just meant that it could have been prevented (on her part). That doesn't make it her FAULT, but not getting so drunk that she doesn't know where she is would have greatly helped her chances of not getting raped. At least, that's how I see it.

[Sexydncr]

One of my friends was raped and she was completely sober. She was held down by some guy's friends. So please, don't say it could have been prevented.

[xHoneyxBeex]

In most cases it can be prevented. Your one friend is not a representation of ALL rape cases. But that's why I always carry pepper spray with me, that would at least give me a chance to run away because I don't even drink but plenty of sober people can get raped. That's why I never go anywhere sketchy by myself and I carry a means of protection with me. Like I said, it's never the victims fault but yes, in many cases it can be prevented.

[xHoneyxBeex]

And like I also said, we don't live in a perfect world. Sh*t happens sometimes even to people who do exercise precautions. But in *most* things like rape CAN be prevented.

[xHoneyxBeex]

in most cases*

[Robotic]

god I hate this. I'm scared to even express my opinion otherwise these girls here will jump on me and call me a rape sympathizer. I agree with you 100%. It's NOT the girls fault at all. but it is still not a good idea for a girl to wear revealing clothes and getting drunk at a party with mainly guys. It just isn't. That doesn't mean I'm a Rape sympathizer, that doesn't mean I hate women or something. it means I understand that sometimes you need to be careful and take precautions.

[xHoneyxBeex]

Exactly! It's just called living in reality and not a fantasy world.

[peace-love-couture]

Probably best answer...

[Anonymous]

Well, what's your opinion?

I think you have to distinguish between immorality and common sense. In every case of crime, the criminal is 100% morally to blame, which means that the rapist is 100% morally to blame. At the same time though,people should take basic safety precautions. That's why I lock my door when I leave my house. If I leave my door unlocked, I'm not ASKING to be the victim of burglary. It's not my FAULT if I become a victim of burglary, whether I locked my door or not. But clearly it's a reasonable precaution.

Of course there's the question of "What is a REASONABLE safety precaution?" It varies from situation to situation, and from person to person. Yes, unfortunately, females are sometimes more vulnerable than males, but I'm sure we could think of situations where males are more vulnerable than females. That's just the way life is.

A male friend of mine, who was drunk and passed out at the time, was actually raped by a homeless man and given AIDS. By his own admission, he didn't take reasonable precautions. If people learn from his experience and as a result don't become victims themselves, surely that's a good thing.

[Opinion Owner]

It's because we can make the distinction between those two things that for example we tell young children, "Don't talk to strangers". We're not saying to children, "If you get abducted or molested, it's your fault". We're saying, "This is a reasonable precaution for a person like you in the situation you're in".

[immakoala]

Okay, I understand your whole house/burglary metaphor, but let's take a moment to adress that you compared property to a HUMAN BEING.

[Opinion Owner]

No I didn't. I'm just using that as an example of another crime. If you don't like that example, what about my example of what mothers and fathers tell their children? There are many examples one can think of.

[Asker]

Well t she wasn't doing anything different from everyone else, most girls dress pretty revealing and take advantage of the free shots. It's also a small school, personally I knew about 90% of the guys at that party, you don't really expect it there. I don't think you can consider doing what everyone else is doing as being reasonable. It could have happened to most of those girls but just she got unlucky

[washize]

You said that the girl was around people that SHE KNEW AND TRUSTED. You even said YOU trusted a majority of people at the party. This isn't a case of getting trashed and raped around some strangers in a back alley. You said it was an environment "where that wasn't expected". So if she felt that she was in a safe place, around people that she trusted, how could she be blamed for the rape? How is she responsible if it didn't happen to anyone else?

[Konnour]

He's right.

Today SOME girls are way too ignorant & irresponsible - hey, if you're wearing the shortest skirt and the deepest cleavage, get drunk as f*** while around there's a herd of horny ass guys - the chances are there will be "that guy" who is not giving a f***... or actually.. giving IT! O_o

It's the same as leaving a hundred bucks banknote right on the middle of the street, then go away, come back after few hours and expect it to remain there!

Of course - it's always the offenders fault, it's always the guy who raped her at fault or the stealer in my extra example - but c'mon - if you don't want bad sh*t happening to you, you must not put yourself in extremely vulnerable positions! Some personal precaution most of times is all you need to prevent that!

[Thermia]

I think money and a living breathing human being with rights, aspirations, and feelings are two completely different things. People are not property

[Asker]

Well you know I kind of agree but she wasn't doing anything different from everyone else, most girls dress pretty revealing and take advantage of the free shots. It's also a small school, personally I knew about 90% of the guys at that party, you don't really expect it there. As for my boyfriend well I just though he was seriously lacking compassion for her. No matter what she did or didn't do ,what happened to her was terrible. He said he didn't really feel sorry for the reasons he stated Read more

[Asker]

ignore the read more, I copied part of my own comment and this what shows up

[Konnour]

Both are desired so it's a valid comparison. It doesn't matter that most of girls dressed revealing, that doesn't justify her doing that, claiming that "it was OK" Also the fact that most of people were familiar there doesn't matter - people you know may be same dangerous than complete strangers, if not even more! It was terrible but apparently she didn't enough to prevent it >>>and it's not like nobody has told her about it all ever before<<< She knew what could happen all the way along!

[barbados]

I'm working with people who suffered this kind of violence.

And I have to say NO woman I know was raped because of the way she dressed.

Of course you should try and protect yourself. Don't put yourself in dangerous situations. But you can't compare wearing a short skit to running around on the highway.

I know about two women who were gang raped in daylight and they had two men with them!

There are bad people out there. And they are always responsible for the things they do. And bad things can happen to you no matter how careful you are.

So of course I don't run around naked at the darkest street in town. But I know that a short dress won't make a rapist rape you... it's the sick thoughts in his head what makes him to that.

[Stacyzee]

I agree that some people bring certain situations on themselves. If they had been smarter, then those things would have not happened.

Ex. I played with fire, and then I ended up getting second degree burns.

Is the same has a woman that gets drunk around men, she is allowing herself to be vulnerable.

So would it be surprising If she got raped?

Had she have been sober that wouldn't have happened. She made a poor decision,

So it is partly her fault.

Yes, I agree with that certain things can be prevented.

But the statement "good girls don't get raped" I disagree with.

Because certain situations are out of someone's control.

You can be raped by someone you love,

You can be abducted and raped.

Sometimes we are unable to stop certain things from happening.

But in her situation, she had full control so that quote applies to her and not to all.

[RideThroughTheRain]

That is the nature of fire. Fire burns. That's just what happens. That's what it is. That is not (or should not be) the nature of men. Men's nature is not to rape. That is not 'just what happens,' and that should not be. Men are thinking beings, unlike fire.

[Stacyzee]

You are misinterpreting what I am saying. If you set yourself up for disaster, disaster will happen that is my point. Poor decisions will allow consequences to unfold. Why do you think parents spend their own lives trying to teach you right from wrong? Bad choices can allow bad things,. If I go around getting intoxicated in front of a group of men, I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. Everyone knows alcohol impairs judgment. Men's nature isn't to rape, but the fact of the matter bad people are

[Stacyzee]

out there and take any opportunity they can get to harm. We has people need to be smarter, and not allow ourselves vulnerability. It is what can get you killed and harmed even worse. Certain situations are out of our control. But putting ourselves in them and suffering traumatic effects of it is.

[Stacyzee]

Also at my example. Of course fires nature is to burn, but playing with it is what will get you harm. Just like me getting intoxicated in front of people I barely even know or trust, the outcome is never good.

[washize]

You said it was a party where everyone knew each other. Why do most people go to parties? Because they KNOW each other. Why do you think people are raped by people that they know and trust? Reported rapes by strangers is 4%. Rape by a loved one 46%, Rape by friend 22%, Rape by acquaintance is 19%, rape by spouse is 9%. Why are you ranting about stranger rape when A Majority of rapes are people the victim KNOWS AND TRUSTS?

[Stacyzee]

The fact that you are saying its OK for people to make poor judgment , and feel that no consequences comes from that. Leads me to believe you are the type of person who operates for the moment but doesn't think things through. There's a difference between knowing someone, and trusting someone. I can go to a party where there I know 50 people. But that doesn't mean they love me and have my best interest at heart . A real friend is hard to find. Stay on topic . We are speaking about someone ...

[Stacyzee]

getting themselves intoxicated in front of people that can't be trusted.

[washize]

The fact that you're dismissing basic human interaction and saying that its NORMAL to expect the people that you know to sexually assault you is illogical. As if rapists have a sign over their head that says they will rape you. You're telling women that every man that she knows I a potential rapists, and that SHE SHOULD KNOW that and if she is raped by one of these men it is her fault. Sounds like you're in favor of Sharia Law. Blame women for men raping because Men are expected to be rapists.

[Stacyzee]

Ok, if you cannot understand the basic concept that drinking alcohol impairs your judgment and certain people will prey on you. Then clearly something isn't right with you. I have to ask, are you intoxicated now ? probably so. Of course people won't know who rapists are out there, but when you do things that are not smart don't expect a good outcome. That is all.

[washize]

You're still saying, EXPECT TO GET RAPED. You're saying going to party with people you know and drinking is bad. If every woman anticipated she was going to get raped by someone she knew, she would never associate or interact with a man. You're saying its normal behavior for Men that YOU KNOW To attempt to rape you. Women are going to drink just like men do. Instead of blaming women for getting raped, you're better off advising them to stay shut in a closet and not to associate with any man.

[xzinax2]

i don't know about you,but I would dump him. it's never the victims fault. not even a bit of guilt belongs to her. in any scenario. it means he thinks it's ''okay to rape some women more than others.'' I don't care what you're wearing or drinking-the victim is a victim,she didn't rape herself.

[Asker]

I'm not sure if I should, sure it bothers me a bit, that he gives her any fault for it, but other than that I don't think it was that unreasonable. But all my friends say the same the girls here, so idk

[xzinax2]

it's your choice. I personally could never be with a rape apologist,but,people do things I don't agree with all the time.

[Sexydncr]

That's like saying if a girl is wearing a skirt it's partly her fault for when it gets pulled up/looked under by a guy. Which is totally bs... Yes rape is mostly opportunity based, but just because guys don't wear cups all the time doesn't mean it's OK for girls to constantly kick them in the balls. Anything that remotely suggests its not 100% the rapist's fault just encourages rape. Geez, just because you work at a store at night doesn't mean you're asking to get robbed. Just because someone's at the wrong place at the wrong time doesn't mean they're asking for something bad to happen for them. Just because someones rich doesn't mean theyre inviting robbers to steal their stuff. I personally believe no one has the right to demean or blame any victims for anything.

[Sexydncr]

To them***

[Sexydncr]

5 rape sympathizers. What has the world come to?

[washize]

oh there is far more than 5, have you read the answers from men and women? I don't even want to state statistically how many of them are rapists themselves.

[Sexydncr]

Haha it's scary. I'm honestly scared of what the world is coming too. What next? Murder and child molestation will be the victim's fault too? Or they "put themselves in a situation to get molested or killed?"

[confugirl]

Women get raped wearing burqa's and walking in groups. It's never the victim's fault, they aren't asking for it, they shouldn't have to be more cautious, nor should they be afraid of getting raped. The rapist is always at fault and to suggest the victim could have "prevented" it is disgusting. No one should be afraid that they will be punished with rape. I would dump him that instant.

[MissConfused93]

Your boyfriend is a f***ing idiot and I'd break up with him if I were you.

[Hyped_up_on_coffee]

Your boyfriend is an idiot, anyone can get raped and they don't have to be drunk . Sure drinking raises your chances if you drink around people you don't know and trust. You could be wearing anything ! Like there was even a case of old women being raped, Sex is a power crime more than a sex crime. and your boyfriend is an idiot .

[shineegirl]

He's an idiot... You shouldn't have to dress differently or stay sober or well at least not drink much, so you won't get raped! Nobody ever asks for it and all guys who say that the girl put herself in a position to be raped are grade a douche bags!

Let him be and ignore the topic or if you can't accept his bs morally, get a new boyfriend ;) .

[Thermia]

Awful people rape people. It shouldn't be about "good girls rarely get raped" or "she was drunk and wearing a tank top, so easy!" The conversation should always be "awful people rape people". Gender doesn't matter, clothes do not matter. Teaching girls and boys at an early age what respect and consent looks like would probably help the numbers in the future.

And why the heck does drinking alcohol at a party and wearing certain things turn a girl into a "bad' girl? Why can't people have fun without getting attacked? Clothes and alcohol have always been the scapegoat and excuse for violating people because those things supposedly make the person "Bad" and they should be punished with a good ol raping. That'll teach 'em. We're not getting it into people's thick skulls how horrible and stupid those excuses are. There is no excuse to rape someone. Ever.

[Sexydncr]

I 100% agree with you. How can anyone down vote this?

[RosaliaVanderbilt]

Some of these answers are disgusting. Honestly. A rapist will rape. It doesn't matter what the girl is wearing. Someone very close to me was raped. She didn't drink, was a Catholic girl who dressed conservatively (but still cute), was only at the party because she was the DD. She preferred reading to parties.

Rapists don't care.

[Enideqa]

link there is a link to things that usually correspond with rape.

I have gone to some discussions on rape as well, in no case ever is someone asking for it, if some jack a$$ can't control himself, that is not some girls fault, he needs to learn to control himself or get help to do so.

[dudeman]

sounds right to me

[T-shirtsandkneehighs]

I do see your point but I don't really agree with it.

When I got raped I was wearing fairly revealing clothing and I wasn't with a group of friends.

But that shouldn't matter, rapists shouldn't be able to get away with it by saying they were being taunted and teased. It's not like they didn't do it by choice, right?

[Asker]

I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I'm not making any point here. I'm stating what my boyfriend said and asking for input as to what that says about him

[chalobole]

One way he is right. It is always better to look after oneself as world is not getting safer. Checking who is offering lift, etc. I do not believe that dressing has anything to do with raping. Being cautious, careful and choosy always help.

[Asker]

ya me neither. Most girls dress kind of slutty for parties and get drunk, she really wasn't doing anything different than anyone else

[beer3]

Everyone's in title to there own opinion, but I wouldn't blame the girl for being raped because of being too drunk or slutty clothes.

[hannibal214]

he's right. he's not defending a crime, but if you leave your car running in the middle of detroit at 2am, odds are someone is going to steal it

[bigmike16]

Call me crazy but he has a point because I know some intelligent women that stands up to a guy if he tries to do her harm.

[strongball1987]

Yes, your boyfriend was an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Your boyfriend is a stupid a**hole, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

i think he kind of has a point.