How do I get over my boyfriend masturbating to his exes?!

[Anonymous]

I recently found out that my boyfriend has masturbated to every single one of his ex girlfriends and girls he's done stuff with throughout our entire relationship. We've been together over a year now. This really hurt me and I honestly do not know what to do. I don't want to break up with him because he told me he won't do it again due to the fact that it was so devastating to me. However, I just feel so insecure now. I asked him if I was lacking in our sex life and he said he loves having sex with me and he doesn't know why he masturbated to his exes. So in order to try and get over this I asked him about some of his fantasies and some of the things that really turn him on during sex. Today we had sex three times and each time I did the things he told me really turned him on, but during each time we had sex he didn't seem very into it, which now makes me feel even more insecure. He told me he didn't want to have sex because he's stressed out over personal things in his life right now but did it just to satisfy me. I don't know whether I believe him or not because he's the type of guy who wants to have sex everyday. I just feel so insecure and like he doesn't get turned on enough with me and would rather have sex with one of his exes because they do it better. I just honestly feel devastated, heart broken, and sick to my stomach. The thought of him masturbating to all of his exes and not me makes me feel worthless. && He's told me several times that he would never get back with any of them because he seriously finds them disgusting especially since they all cheated on him. But even though that may be what he's telling me, I can't help but wonder why he would masturbate to girls that disgust him? I am just so confused and hurt. I seriously want to be able to get over this but it is just so hard to stop thinking about it. I just don't know what else to do. I tried doing things that he really enjoys in the bedroom but then he tells me he really didn't feel like having sex but that it wasn't because of me and that he loved everything I did. It's just so hard for me to believe him. UGH, I'm so confused. Btw, sorry for the long story but I seriously need advice bad!

[MrOracle]

I understand your concern, I really do, but in this case, you may be making a much bigger deal out of this than it deserves.

All guys think of "other girls" when masturbating. Usually it's kind of like a montage of hot girls, with imagines changing quickly. Many guys think of girls from their past, because those were happy moments from his past, but, and this is the important part, IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING BEYOND THAT. It doesn't mean the guy still loves (or even likes) the girl, it doesn't mean sex was better with that girl, or that her body was hotter, or any of that crap. It just means he was reliving HIS history, whatever that was.

None of that means anything about how he feels about you. I know that's the natural conclusion, because people in relationships always assume the worst, but from a guy's perspective, it just doesn't mean that.

Lots of guys think about p*rn girls, and some guys think about random girls off the street, or the girl at the last party, or whatever. He happens to think about girls from HIS past, not so much because THEY were great, but because HE WAS THERE. That's just how his mind works, and it's just FANTASY, so you can't really hold that against him. I'm sure you fantasize about other guys sometimes, but that doesn't mean you're going to leave your boyfriend for them, or that you even want to. It's no different for him. He's not trying to talk to these girls or anything, so it's just pure fantasy, and "reliving his glory years" type of thing.

I'm sure he feels the tension between you, and that's part of what's stressing him out, along with whatever else is going on. When guys are stressed, their libido is usually reduced. That's very common.

Honestly, the BEST thing you can do to solve this, and to make him want you more, is for you to put this out of your mind. Accept that his mind goes to his past for his fantasies, rather than to the future, and accept that it means NOTHING beyond that. Never mention that again, or even think about it, because there's no reason to. Instead, focus on helping him relax. Be a good, understanding girlfriend and let him know how much you love him and love being close to him, but let HIM come to you for closeness, at least for a little while. By you backing off just a bit and giving him a bit of space, and removing that tension from the air, he'll relax, and he'll want you, and will appreciate you understanding and accepting him (even if he can't put that into words).

[Asker]

This really helped me understand. I guess it's just a guy's thing and there's nothing I can really do about it but accept him for who he is. Although this may be hard to believe but I never fantasize about other guys, only him. That may be why I made such a big deal about it. Since I only thought of him I thought he did the same and finding out that he didn't made me upset. So I guess I just have to suck it up and move past it. Thank you so much, really! You made it so easy to understand.

[MrOracle]

You're welcome. Glad to help.

[rotinaj10]

You give great advice. Seriously, you should be in the gag hall of fame... Can I get your autograph?

[MrOracle]

Giggity!

[theblondeguy]

well I wouldn't stress about him jacking off to his exs every guy I know does tht...and id say give it a couple weeks and he'll be into sex again it seems like you guys just need to calm down and take it slower

id wait for him to ask you for sex so tht way ull know he gonna be into it...and don't feel insecure he didn't jack off to his exs because he thinks they're better he did it purely to get off if you don't watch p*rn to mastrabate you thinks of things tht turn you on really well and maybe the thought of f***ing his exs does tht for him I'm sure there's some reason he chose YOU and not THEM...another reason he might have jacked off to his exs is he just didn't want to jack off to you I know a decent amount of guys tht won't jack off to their wives or gfs because its just like a rule they have maybe your boyfriend is the same way

and you might want to have a convo with him about how you feel insecure so tht way you guys can talk about why he jacks off to his exs I'm almost positive its not for the reason you think :D

[Asker]

Yeah, I thought about just giving sex a break. && A rule? I don't understand why. Is it because they like it to be slutty when they masturbate? && They don't think of their SO in that way? && I told him how insecure it made me so he said he won't do it anymore. Thank you!

[theblondeguy]

i think they think of their girlfriend as like the person I love or like alot... and their exes well they dont... so it would make sense to have fake quick unloving sex with a girl they've seen naked but don't even like anymore than to think or their girlfriend as purely a sex object...

[theblondeguy]

one more thing id watch setting up things like the fact he can't jack it to his exs tht may lead to future relationship problems :/ and YOUR WELCOME! :D

[Asker]

That makes sense and it made me feel better. Thank you!

[theblondeguy]

well you're very welcome I hope it works out for you two, it seems like he likes you a lot :D

[Asker]

Well I told him he can watch p*rn and jack off to it or even celebrities but not someone he knows because it makes it all too real for me.

[theblondeguy]

tht should be chill then...personally thts what I do anyway...lol I never got the ex thing...

[Asker]

Well he tells me that he loves me everyday so I sure hope so. lol && Thank you, now that I understand it better, I'm sure it will! (:

[theblondeguy]

GREAT!

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend masturbates to his friends. possibly his ex too I'm not sure. yea it did upset me and made me insecure too. he couldn't explain it either...but he told me he's going to stop. how do I know? so I started checking up on the history and still found that he's still looking at the same girls. who knows...maybe he's just being a creep or maybe he's fapping. then blahblahblah he starts to delete his history all the time and we fight. but now he deactivated Facebook and started to introduce me to some of the girls and talks about ex when I ask about them. it just made me a bit more comfortable now that he's not hiding anymore. I would rather him show me something that might hurt me than to not know anything.so he would show me what he's been fapping been to. my boyfriend hates sluts. they disgust him because they have no respect for themselves. they disgust me too but I can't keep my eyes off them either. it happens, its human nature, we really can't control it lol

sometimes we aren't aware of what we do. we don't think about it...our brain does it automatically w.o telling you. we ourselves can't interpret some of the stuff we do. its possible he was masturbating to them because theyre attractive and he doesn't have to imagine them naked if he knows how they look naked. so their pictures are a lot easier to fap to then other girls. so its possible.

if he didn't like having sex with you, he wouldn't be with you. he wouldn't even try to make you feel better either or try to prove himself to you. its obvious he does care about you and does enjoy it. you should have a longer talk with him about it and tell him how you feel. you have to give it some time to heal too. it took me almost a year to feel a bit better about myself.

As much as I hate how my boyfriend does things like that too...a part of me can't blame him for it cause I too can't control myself sometimes. I understand how stressful it is to be put on he spot like that too. but a part of me is upset that he doesn't think about how it would make me feel too.

im sorry I was no help :"(

[Asker]

You really did help. Now I know it's not just my boyfriend who does it, even though other guy told me that they do I needed to hear it from a girl so I wouldn't feel so alone. I guess I can understand that he can't control it but it still sucks that he thinks of them sexually. /: I hope it doesn't take me a year to feel better about myself though, that's going to be very tough. /: Thank you for your help. <3

[Anonymous]

how did you found out?

This is what I think: I really can understand that it hurts you and the way it makes you feel, but unless everything is fine, don't let these thoughts lead on too strong.

I masturbate to old affairs, ons etc, too. But just it makes it easy: Don't have to put on p*rn, just bringing back the memories to get off. Not because I am still into them or anything. Just remebering a good moment and it works with all of them lol I even recognize during I do it, I don't stick to one of them guys. Means anything...what I am trying to say: It doesn't mean anything to me, I even been really hurt by them, but the fantasy keeps alive for a very selfish reason. I guess it is similiar with p*rn: A fantasy which in most cases mean anything and has nothing to do with the actual girlfriend.

And that he behaves now in bed like this...I guess he feels under pressure, guilty...and maybe he thinks you just doing all the things to turn him on and not because you want to do it to...and this is a turn off. Maybe you turned by all of those things as well, but make it obvious you do it, becaus YOU want it.

Hope that was helpfull

[Asker]

I honestly don't know how we got to that topic, just one thing led to the other. We were talking about his dad because he's been cheating on his mom and has a Facebook filled with p*rn, and I asked him if he liked looking at his dad's Facebook because of the pictures (I'm insecure) and he said no. So I asked him if he's ever watched p*rn during our relationship and he said yes, of course then I was curious if he used that to masturbate to and he said no but that he masturbates to me, TOO...

[Asker]

When he said "too" I got curious and asked him who else he does it too and he didn't wanna tell me because at that point I already had tears in my eyes but, me being stupid, I made him tell me and then he told me. I understand that it's to get off but I feel like I should be the one to help him get off, ya know? It makes me feel useless. && I tried telling him that it actually did turn me on but he acted like he didn't believe me. /:

[Opinion Owner]

I understand you, but I assume it really doesn't mean anything he masturbated to other girls. Just relax, try to calm down and don't give thattopic too much importance. I guess he doesn't feel good, because he knows how you are feeling, that is why he isn't in the mood.

[cormurnel]

Although I think I would be pretty hurt too, I can see why certain memories or times may be appealing to masturbate to. I usually think of my boyfriend when I masturbate, but occasionally I think of past lovers and one of them actually hurt me really badly and I now despise him and it's weird to sometimes feel attracted to a memory of him. Humans are weird.

It might be a different situation and I don't how how trustworthy your boyfriend is, but you have been together a year and he seems to be trying to make changes after how much it hurt you, so it seems like a genuine attempt at proving his interest in you. And guys are humans too, sometimes they do have stuff on their mind or aren't in the mood for sex.

[wpmason]

He's also masturbated to at least one of his middle school teachers, afriends mom, a crude naked stick figure drawing, a nature show on Discovery channel, a car, some sort of food, childhood cartoon character... And so on.

Guys masturbate. We do it a lot, and in order to do it, we need a ton of variety for stimulation. If it's just in his head, it doesn't matter. He doesn't care about these girls, they're just different from you. Why do people go on vacations? Because wherever they go is different from where they live. It's the same principle.

[scnbabe89]

I would break up with him this is not right at all. What makes him think he can do something like this and hurt you like this. Its just wrong. I am very sorry that you are being treated this way. I would start by asking him to stop and telling him how much it hurts you and if he does not which I believe he won't then its time to end things for good because you should not be treated this way.

[kheserthorpe]

He's likely masturbated thinking of his exes, you, girls he almost dated, all your friends, any female relatives of yours between puberty and menopause, celebrities, teachers, random girls, waitresses, baristas ...

It doesn't mean anything.

[summiter]

I would ask do you know he is masturbating to his ex's? If he had sex with you three times yesterday, I would find it hard to believe that he does not enjoy sex.

It seems like you are the one trying to make him happy while having sex. It should also work the other way. He should be trying to satisfy you jus as much!

Look...guys jerk off a lot, even if they are getting sex from someone as wonderful as you sound. So don't let that part bother you. Offer to help him masturbate, it can be hot! I would just be honest with him and tell him, no more jerking off to the ex's, but it is OK to jerk off to you.

Hang in there and let me know how it works out

[Asker]

Yes, he told me. /: He does try to make me happy while having sex...well he used to before this whole thing. He said he won't do it again, but how am I supposed to know if he does or not? I'm not in his head. /:

[snake3]

if he is fixated on his exes while with you I wouldn't be shocked if he wasn't over them. it a relationship I wouldn't be sure if I wanted to stay into or not

[Anonymous]

Masturbate to your ex

[Anonymous]

its only a fantasie though , him thinking about them , my guess is its more a physical thing he has for them . as a guy I definity will admit to thinking about sexual things like what he did to girls I have meet in my life , its just something that happens when you see or know a girl your really into but maybe can't actually have sex with for whatever reasons .

but to be honest I usually don't like thinking about ex's I find it brings back bad memories to think about sex with them so I try and avoid thinking about them when thinking about sex

[Anonymous]

Does he give off hints that he's getting back with them? It seems like he is avoiding you. You should express that more to him. Otherwise your relationship could end terribly. Communication is key. Relationships are built on many things and communication is one of them.

[Asker]

No, but I just told him yesterday how I feel that he's becoming distant and uninterested. He said it's only because we've been arguing a lot but that he doesn't want to give up. I guess that's a good thing but the whole masturbating to exes thing still makes me unsure. /: