I don't know if I was raped and I'm scared?

[Anonymous]

It happened a few year ago. I was drinking and then we were making out naked. He started putting it in me and I moaned no but he kept going and then I didn't say anything. I felt so confused. I didn't really want it and the sex itself just felt like rough fingering. But I know it was sex. It was my first and only intercourse. I never know if it was really rape. I didn't want it but I felt fine just kind of confused and disappointed in myself. I always wanted to have a normal sexual experience. I am going to have sex with this guy. He knows I've only had sex once and that it wasn't a good experience for me but I couldn't bring myself to tell him why and that I don't even know if I was raped or not. I don't really want this guy in my life forever and I wouldn't feel too bad if I lost him. I did warn him that I may feel more attached if we have sex and he needs to understand that and he said OK. I also told him that e needs to be gentle with me and make sure I am comfortable. I have known this guy a long time. I want to have sex with someone I am not committed to because if it doesn't go well I can walk away from him more easily. I don't even know if I was truly raped so after years of healing and thinking I feel ready to do this. I don't think I will be healed mentally and will always have hang ups about sex until I try it with someone. I need to know I had a normal sexual experience before I can be in a relationship again. I don't know if anyone can understand. You may say I should have sex with a boyfriend but I don't want my mental hang ups and needs to taint a good thing. Even if this sex is not good at least I can form a normal experience of it and I think I need that to move on. I've taken years to think and I went for therapy a few times. Any advice? Was I even raped? I don't like to say I was because it makes me want to cry. I feel better saying I asked for it.

[udolipixie]

I don't know if I was raped and I'm scared?

You were raped you said no and he continued that is rape.

Quite understandable if you're American and you don't know if you were raped as quite a lot of victim-blaming and shaming goes around on female rape victims where rape is apparently only when a gal violently fights off a random stranger apparently just saying no isn't enough a certain amount of resistance must be made before it cal be rape otherwise it's just not being 'courteous'/'mixed signals'/'not nice'.

Any advice?

My advice is to seek counseling, get into a support group, and try some sex therapy as well as to keep this to yourself especially from any potential male partners as most likely you won't be believed as it seems to be the default for female rape victims and if you are believed you will be shamed, blamed, and held accountability for his actions chastising you for trying to make him into a monster or ruining his life while the potential male partners will see you as damaged goods.

" I feel better saying I asked for it."

Understandable as that's the common mindset against female rape victims be it from her prior relationship with as apparently having sex once means irrevocable consent to do it again, her dress as apparently dressing provocatively means consent to sex, or kissing as apparently kissing means consent to sex.

[Anonymous]

technically yes its rape, you said no and you didn't want it you were just too drunk or passive to stand up for yourself more and get him off, making out naked did give out the wrong signals but he should have stopped when you said no if he heard it (if you didn't say it too quietly) so he could have made a mistake and not realized you didn't want to do it if he didn't hear you so don't automatically turn him into a huge monster if you did say it too quietly

not all rape is the stereotypical pushed to the ground and forced upon with the woman screaming no!

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. Theoretically should he have had sex with you. Probably not. However at the same time. It's not necessarily his job to judge how clearly you are thinking or what your intentions are.

If you are sitting there making out naked and not really putting up much resistance, its reasonable for him to think what he is doing is OK.

My stance is that what this guy did wasn't what I would call criminal. Although what he did wasn't not exactly the smartest and most courteous move. You shouldn't be happy, but I think it would also be unfair to him to accuse him of rape when it was reasonable for him to think you wanted it. I just don't like the idea of him taking the fall for what is really a mistake made by both of you. You played just as much of a role as he did by getting drunk and also making out naked. Your actions are half of the reason this occurred.

Also, just because it makes you cry doesn't mean it's rape. You could have had consensual sex and been upset about it afterward. Something can have an emotional impact on you without being criminal.

[Asker]

I cry because I don't know what I am and what I want. I never took legal action or anything. I blame myself too. I'm just confused.

[Opinion Owner]

Honestly I wouldn't feel bad at all about it. Sex isn't something that's perfect, because we aren't perfect. Shit happens, we make mistakes, we move on and we learn from it. Your life will be perfectly normal. There is no reason to believe otherwise. Our sexuality takes time to discover. Don't feel bad because you are still learning about yourself. That process never stops.

[Asker]

That's why I want to have a new sexual experience. Before I wasn't ready but I thought a lot and now I think I am. I need to discover sex and just have a normal experience. I may regret it but I guess that's part of the process. I just need to experience what the real act is so I'm not in limbo anymore.

[Opinion Owner]

That's the thing. We don't know what we don't know. You've had one experience. You still have a lot to learn. We're always trying and experiencing new things, learning about people and ourselves in the process. That said, let things just play out naturally. That is what I think well make you the happiest. Be open minded, but don't go forcing it and having sex with someone just because your anxious to do it and get it done. You'll end up in the same position you are now.

[Asker]

I've waited a long time. I am doing it with him because I desire him very much and I spoke to him how he needs to be gentle and he understands I'm inexperienced. I just want to feel that I had sex for me and not for someone else's sake.

[Anonymous]

You "moaned no". What does that mean? A clear no would be a statement that you were saying no to sex. But moaning si a signal of liking it and the moan may have muffled the no. So at the least you were sending mixed signals and if your "no" was inaudible under the moan, then he would only have heard sounds of your pleasure. I do not mean that he tuned out the no, I mean you are not clear here if you expressed "no" over your moan.

ny case, next time you want to say no, then say "no" distinctly and do not hide it under sounds of your pleasure.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Years ago? At this point, it's the past. Talk to him if it makes you feel better.

[Asker]

Two years ago. This guy now is older than me and I just hope he understands.

[ConcernedMale]

I don't know :( Sounds tough to deal with though... Hope things work out

[hannibal214]

i don't think it was rape. you were moaning with pleasure when you said "no," thus sending mixed messages

[Anonymous]

If you allow a freight train to get rolling that far down the tracks and all you do to stop it is "moan no", you can't make the case that it was rape.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but regretting it does not make it rape.

[Anonymous]

I think the law would say that since you were under heavy influence of alcohol you probably were.

But I think in real life, you didn't exactly do a lot to stop this from happening. Why the hell were you making out naked? If you are getting touchy feely with a guy while both of you are naked and horny, then I feel like you have kinda agreed to having sex.

[Thermia]

Um, no. You agree to have sex when you verbally say you want to have sex, it doesn't matter how naked you are. Being naked doesn't mean you automatically want someone to have sex with you.