Dumped my girlfriend because she is not a virgin. Mistake?

Question

Hi All, This week, I dumped my girlfriend because she is not a virgin and I am. by the way I'm 18 and she is 19. I have rejected and dumped many girls over the last two years because they weren't virgins either. I just could not get over it because I wanted someone with equal life experience. She treated me excellent and tried to make me happy. She wanted to marry me after college. Yes, we go to the same college. But, in the end, it wasn't enough. She had sex with her last boyfriend just once. But the first time is the one that counted the most. She broke up with him because she finally found out he was keeping her around just for sex. She said I was making a huge mistake and will not find another quality person like her and I should look past "that one huge mistake". Her friends told me that I have to accept and stay with any person willing to give their all even if they are not up to my standards. Wait, have to? I don't have to stay with anybody I don't want to be with. I can't believe her friends told me I have to accept the first quality person who comes along even if they are not a virgin?Shouldn't I have the right to find and be with a person with equal life/sexual experience? Shouldn't I have the right to find and be with a person that is good enough for me without getting criticized?I thank you and appreciate your feedback in advance for answering the two questions above! Thanks for helping me!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think it's a mistake, yes. But it's not a mistake you'll be able to see just now. I think it's something you'll realize later in life. I think you don't have enough life experience to realize how rare true compatibility is in a relationship. Once you realize how difficult that is to find (some people don't even find it in their lifetime!), you'll realize that whether someone is a virgin or not is not as important. You do realize you might end up dumping the woman of your dreams someday because she didn't fill one criteria in your book, as opposed to lots of virgin women who might not be anywhere near as compatible as her with you? It's fine to search for ''equal life experience'' but it's very naive to think that because a girl got intimate with someone else for 15 minutes or so, once in her life before she even met you, she's not worthy of being your girlfriend anymore. Of course, virginity is valuable and all, but it's not like she dated that guy for years and had sex with him on a daily basis meanwhile. You know what losing your virginity is like? It's not like you think it'll be. It'll be short and awkward. The girl maybe have had sex once before but, as another guy said, this doesn't imply that you two have very dissimilar life experience. You know how long it takes to really get accustumed to making love? It doesn't take one time. It doesn't take two. It takes a loong, long time, experiencing this with someone else. This girl could have experienced the exact same things as you WITH you, don't you realize that?

Oh and by the way, I think that if you're too immature in relationships to realize the value of a successful companionship beyond your virginity pass-fail criteria, you shouldn't even consider getting married, as you don't know anything about love just yet. Wait until you get your heart broken for the first time, with a long-term girlfriend. Then you'll realize that virginity doesn't mean much in the adult world. You're just 19 for god's sake, you have all the time in the world to become a man and figure out what type of woman you need for the rest of your life. Now you're just playing games and living in fantasy land, I'm sorry to say. I don't mean to sound rude, that's just how I think. I lost my virginity at 19 by the way, so it's not like I can't relate to what you're saying. I'm 21 now and this guy was the only person I ever had sex with.

Ildskf · Accepted Answer

Really...they are your standards and you shouldn't have to budge...all that matters is your opinion. That said...because you are asking for opinions...mine doesn't matter but this is what I think:

Yes, I think it's a mistake on your part but a true blessing for her. People can't change their past...I'm sure if your GF knew this would be an issue she wouldn't have had sex before...it sounds like she really cares about you a lot...but I think your GF deserves someone that loves her for who she is and for all of her perceived "faults"..so for her sake...I think you did her a favor so she can find someone that has unconditional love for her. True love doesn't have conditions.

I was a virgin at 28 when I first started dating my BF...he had been with a handful of women before...it didn't bother me because I know he loves me and only wants to be with me...what he did in the past doesn't matter...

You mention that you have had oral sex before...yes...I think that is very very hypocritical of you to judge your GF while you actually already had sex. And on top of it 8 different girls!! She'd only been with just one guy! It sounds like you are much more sexually experienced than her! I know people define sex differently...but in my book sex is sex...you were naked and intimate with another person...I had oral sex before penetrative and I didn't consider myself a virgin after oral.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh...but I just felt compelled to really write what was on my mind about this...

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Don't feel bad, if they were in your shoes they might understand were your coming from. I myself am a virgin at 22. I've had 2 long term boyfriends, one at the age of 16-18 and one at 19-20. After I have dated 2guys this year at age 21..they seem to want no attachment and I obviously want a relationship. I recently turned 22, I get a lot of guys trying to get at me and I just get overwhelmed thinking they only want to mess around, so I just rather be single and getting to know guys longer before dating. Try getting to know someone who you have similar experiences and then go from there, to avoid disappointment.

Theguyoverthere · Accepted Answer

It's your relationship and nobody else's so that's really up to you. There's no reason to be with someone you're unhappy with. I do think that even though she had sex with her boyfriend only once, she might not be sexually experienced still. Honestly, the first time can really go any which way. People orgasm at different times, and many people do get concerned with sexual compatibility. You can have a horrible time with the first one and a great time with another girl easily. You can have sex with another virgin and she may not orgasm and you'll think it was great and she could be thinking "meh..." and have sex with a different guy and think it was the greatest thing ever.

You will definitely be criticized like there's no tomorrow, but that's your choice. Basically, not being a virgin is a deal breaker in your book, but it's a tricky one, mainly because sex in general is an insanely tricky area. It's way different from having a deal breaker like not doing drugs or something like that. It's not something someone may be willing to volunteer on the first date as it is a personal subject. So be prepared for many difficulties.

Some things to keep in mind, the older you get, the less virgins that will be around, and the more likely you will have trouble finding someone. So you may want to find someone sooner rather than later. Personally, I feel women are gonna be much less likely to be judgmental over sexual performance than guys will. They will be more likely to be concerned with other things like if you're the one they wanna be with and things like that.

The big issue I am afraid you're gonna run into is that the older the virgin, the higher the chance that she is gonna be religious. If she is and you're both the same faith, you're in luck! If not, be prepared that she'll most likely give you an ultimatum that you join her faith.

Alessus · Accepted Answer

Well, in my opinion, yes you do have the right to and be with a person with equal life/sexual experience. And you have the right to find and be with a person that is good enough for you. But other people have the right to have opinions and express them, so you most likely will be criticized by people who do not share your values and opinions. They have the right to do that. But the real question is, why would you care about their criticism? If you really stand behind your own standards and opinions, then their criticism shouldn't affect you much. You just accept their different view and move on. No need to pay heed to any of it really, if you don't want to.

lumos · Answer

Everything was fine and dandy until I read the part about having oral with 8 girls. Yes, you're a major hypocrite.

Prettygurl12 · Answer

Those are your standards and I applaud you for sticking to them.

Yes, you do have the right to be with someone with equal experience in the bedroom and life.

Many people have no issue with sexual histories of their S.O's but if you do then you have every right to feel the way you do.

FluffySheep · Answer

I don't think it was a mistake. If you're not okay with someone not being a virgin then you shouldn't have to settle for any less. You'll find someone else equally as caring who had also saved herself for you. Good for you setting standards.

bDizzie · Answer

It doesn't matter that I think it's a mistake.  If you are not willing to bend on your preference for virgins then so be it.  That's going to be tough to find, and you may go your whole life without finding one who you want to be with and who is a virgin.  Unless you go for an unattractive girl, as the other answerer said.

AndyWes · Answer

A. You'll find another girl just as good as her.  B. Unfortunately, most girls you meet, who are decently cute, won't be virgins. That's life today.

Metal189 · Answer

kind of a shallow reason if you ask me butttt if you really prefer to be with virgins and she  hadn't  told you before hand, then i guess its ok, you probably should have mentioned that when you asked her to be your gf though

loveBrowneyes · Answer

well she had phisical rapports and u did not ! you want someone virgin that's ur choice and that means it's up to you don't listen to her friends by the way am with u in ur desition !

Keyspirits · Answer

Yes i feel the same way u do brotha. I could never get with a non-virgin either. Her precious gift were taken away from us so it makes us feeling unease. Ots the one and only gift that a woman can give to us men. Sadly she gave it to another man :/

Vandal · Answer

It's not a mistake if a girl not being a virgin is a deal breaker for you. Keep in mind, though, that girls who aren't unattractive, are virgins and are 18+ are very rare.

BitterSweet123 · Answer

I agree with you man I want to lose my virginity man every time I feel like iv found one I get the "I had mistake sex with my EX and he left me but I like you a lot excuse" I just get sick to my stomach guys are very territorial and I consider myself a mate for life kinda guy I'm not sexist by the way just I put women above all else in my life but I can't find a virgin woman at all in NYC I'm 22 and I'm proud I'm not a player that just wants sex but geeze why is finding a nice quiet pure virgin girl as rare as winning the lottery :c

Anonymous · Answer

I'm like you. I want a guy with equal life experience. People hate on me for not being okay with dating non virgins but I don't care. That's just what I want.

I understand where you're coming from and I see no reason you should be with someone that you aren't happy with.

Not everyone can view sex the same way and I feel people who have sex should be a little more respectful of views similar to mine. Not all people are rude but some can be really unaccomodating.

Don't worry what others say and just do you. You have the right to a compatible woman and shouldn't settle.

Anonymous · Answer

Being a virgin is so overrated. You need to get over it and yourself, or you will never find and true peace or happiness. Sex is not everything, it is only one part of a loving relationship.

Anonymous · Answer

The choice is yours.  There is no right or wrong; there is only what works for you.  For me personally, I don't consider it important if a woman is a virgin.  (The fact that I'm in my 40's might have something to do with it.)  She's with me now; the other guys struck out, so I have nothing to fear or feel threatened by.  I don't care if I'm her first, but if she's the right woman for me, I want to be her last.

Anonymous · Answer

I don't blame you and I see where you are coming from with this  I hope to someday finally have a boyfriend and I want him to be a virgin like me  And I'm 19

Dumped my girlfriend because she is not a virgin. Mistake?

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