my boyfriend is rarely ever interested in having sex. should I be concerned? it hurts my feelings sometimes.?

[Anonymous]

I should start from the beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. For the first year and half/two years our sex life was good and consistent. We'd have sex in awesome places and just had a lot of fun. We also didn't have as many responsibilities at the time (work, school, etc). Now my boyfriend works five days a week, 8-5 with a half hour commute every day. He wakes up at 6:45 AM and doesn't get home till about 6 PM, then he goes to the gym till about 9 or 10 every single day, Monday through Friday . I have school two days a week and work three days a week, so both our schedules are jam packed and by the time we see each other its about 10/10:30 at night. I sleep at his house every night so we do spend every night together regardless of our crazy days. My problem is that lately my boyfriend never initiates or wants sex. He used to want it/initiate it all the time, now every night he is "too tired." It is very rare for him to initiate it these days. Once I get to his house, he is so tired he just wants to go to sleep. He ALWAYS wants blow jobs though, like without fail, religiously! That bothers me quite a bit because he doesn't realize that I have wants and needs too, and when I mention it, he gets upset and once again says how he is too tired. I get that it takes no effort for him to lay there and get a blow job, therefore it is easier for him, but it makes me feel awful that he hardly ever wants to put in the effort for sex. We DO have sex, but I wish he would initiate it more, I feel like it's always me wanting it, and sometimes he gets annoyed by that. It makes me feel unwanted. I know he loves me and I have no reason to think he's cheating on me. He is a perfect boyfriend, always hugging and kissing me and cuddling with me. It's just he never has the energy for sex. Should I be worried about this? Is he no longer interested? Is he losing interest? Or is he really just generally tired? Either way, it hurts my feelings.

[arthurdent]

This happens. I would not read more into it than that. My guess is that he is exhausted, and besides being physically tired, he may be mentally tired too.

As yaddayaddayadda02 said, he should give up some of the time he is doing other things for time in the relationship.

Instead of bringing up sex, since you've already done that and he got defensive, maybe bring up doing other things. Tell him you want to go out some evenings. You want to have dinner at home. Something. Plan something in advance by a week or more, rather than just spring it on him the same day or the day before.

See if he will agree to give up some of the time he spends at the gym for time spent with you.

If he is really not willing to make efforts such as this to spend time with you, then that is a bigger sign of problems, in my opinion, than the lack of interest in sex.

But also know that the two of you have been together for around 3 years now, and it is easy to fall into a routine. There are also points in a relationship where both of you will, frankly, get a little tired of each other. You'll want some outside company - friends to do things with. This is normal. It's only a problem if it never resolves itself.

If giving him blow-jobs is making you unhappy at this point, because your sex life feels so one-sided, then decide which would make you less unhappy: not giving him the blow jobs, or continuing to give them. You don't owe it to him to continue.

I think making that decision and knowing why you stop or continue is important, as otherwise these feelings of unfairness continue, and sex of any kind turns into a bartering system. "I did this to you, now you owe me that."

That's so easy to do, and such a lousy kind of sex life, in my opinion.

That's my advice anyway.

[Asker]

What hurts me the most is that he doesn't seem to really care about my feelings or how this makes me feel, he thinks that since it's not a big deal to him, it shouldn't be a big deal to me. he gets so angry and defensive whenever I mention it. maybe I mention it too much? I don't know, im just frustrated.

[arthurdent]

I'm sure it is very frustrating, and probably makes you angry and resentful too. The bad news is that the more you confront him about sex, the more defensive I think he will get. Many guys think they are supposed to want sex more than girls. Many guys also think it is "unmanly" to not want sex, and they find this association potentially threatening. That means they get very defensive, very fast.

[Asker]

so you think I should just drop the subject and kinda sit back and see what happens? I'm afraid that if I never initiate it, we will never have sex. I don't want to lose that connection completely. what do you think I should do?

[arthurdent]

I wouldn't suggest dropping the issue. I would suggest a new approach. Like I said above, see if you can get him to do things with you some evenings. I know you are both tired. So maybe a movie night every so often? One, this will ask him to spend time with you. Two, he won't be spending all his energy on the basketball court. Figuring out the time not getting spent together seems like a bigger problem to me, as the sex could just be a temporary low phase that rebounds in a while.

[Asker]

some nights he does come home from the gym early and we have dinner together and watch a movie. on weekends we get to go out and do fun things cause neither of us has to work. literally everything else in our relationship is perfect, he just can't ever find the energy to have sex and it is driving me crazy!! it's really selfish and I don't know how to make him see that he isn't the only one with wants and needs. he should WANT to please me the way I want to please him. why doesn't he?

[arthurdent]

A guess is because he is really tired, maybe stressed out, and his sex drive is low. Even if he is willing to let you perform oral sex on him, sex takes a lot of work. Some of us are so concerned about doing a good job, that the "fun" isn't as much there as people would think. That doesn't make it right. What you describe yourself going through is wrong, and I'm sorry for that. It is truly selfish if he expects you to do things for him that he is unwilling to do for you in return. I'm sorry.

[Asker]

okay let me ask you another question... I withheld this information from my original question. lately he's been "joking" about me hooking up with a girl and him watching, which honestly I would probably do, it would be hot. and then he said he wanted to do it because he's been "looking at the same body for 3 years" and he kinda laughed it off trying to pass it as a joke, but there was definitely some seriousness to it. how should I take that given the other circumstances?

[arthurdent]

The problem/challenge of answering questions here is that we can only guess at the whole picture. There are a number of possible reasons for this I could imagine. One, he could truly be bored with the sex life you two have. There is truth that over time couples lose some excitement. Before you start to panic and believe he isn't satisfied anymore, realize that this is natural, for both of you (though it may not happen at the same times for both of you). to be continued.

[arthurdent]

continued: this happens. We like to think of it as bad, but the reason the notion comes up is that there is some truth to it. It's natural. If you haven't felt it before, you may someday. Or, he may be concerned himself that his sex drive is low, and be seeking ways to heighten it. I often have a very low sex drive myself. It concerns me for reasons I don't fully understand. It makes you feel concerned that you are less alive, and you want to overcome it somehow. to be continued...

[arthurdent]

continued: Or, this could simply be a fantasy of his. It is a very common one. If you are excited by it to, and feel like you can handle it, I'd suggest going for it. This might make a good time to work a bargain into the mix. "After you have sex with me at least twice a week for the next month, we'll." :)

[Asker]

thank you so much for all your help you really were a big help!

[arthurdent]

Glad to hear it. Good luck!

[powerhungry]

I think he's just being lazy and taking your kindness for granted. Either way you control the sex. Withhold it from him and see if he's still not interested. Worse case scenario is he's lost interest but is staying on out of guilt. Thats what my friend's doing and he hasn't touched his girl in 6 months.

[Asker]

I like to think he's just being lazy too. And I think the fact that I sleep at his house doesn't help much. Maybe I should limit it to a few days a week instead of every night. I'm also going to cut down on the blow jobs. He got extremely upset when I mentioned it last night though, how I want him to try to be more intimate like he used to be. Why do you think it made him so upset and offended?

[powerhungry]

Nobody likes to hear criticism and nobody likes to be told what to do. Sometimes we need to be intelligent and make people do things we want indirectly because it causes less friction. That's my opinion at least.

[Asker]

but I have mentioned this to him before many times, sometimes I see a difference sometimes I don't. why after all this time do I still see barely a difference? hardly any effort put in on his part. when he does put in effort its great, but its very rare these days, since starting this new job.

[powerhungry]

In my opinion, guys have a one track mind. So if he's focused on his job then your needs are definitely not on the forefront of his mind. Beside it's all a routine isn't it. Work, sex, sleep, work, sex, sleep. Depends how nice you are and if you're willing to tolerate this arrangement, cos sometimes you need to be a bit nasty to get what you want when there's competition for his time unfortunately.

[Asker]

I do not understand the guy mind, at all, no offense. so do you think maybe I should back off and not try anything for a little while? everytime I mention it it gets me nowhere, it actually makes the situation worse I believe. should I not sleep at his house every night and cut way down on the blow jobs? do you think that could maybe make a difference? I'm not sure how to handle this anymore. whenever I want to talk about it, it starts a fight.

[powerhungry]

No offence taken. I don't pretend I understand the female mind either. But listen to these ancient words of wisdom. "Silence is golden" You'll argue less, and he'll definitely wonder why you're so quiet. "Did I do something wrong?" lol Sorry, I amuse myself sometimes.

[Asker]

ugh, okay thank you. I guess you're right. I just do not understand how he can be so distant sometimes sexually. like sometimes I can't wait to see him cause I can't keep my hands off him and he hasn't acted that way in a long, long time. does this have to do with him always being so drained at the end of the day?

[powerhungry]

Maybe. But not always. Like I said he could just be lazy and taking things for granted. Like he knows you're always going to be there to give him sex so he's not too bothered. You gotta make him work for it girl, then he won't take it for granted.

[Asker]

okay let me ask you another question... I withheld this information from my original question. lately he's been "joking" about me hooking up with a girl and him watching, which honestly I would probably do, it would be hot. and then he said he wanted to do it because he's been "looking at the same body for 3 years" and he kinda laughed it off trying to pass it as a joke, but there was definitely some seriousness to it. how should I take that given the other circumstances?

[powerhungry]

That depends on your tolerance for this sort of thing. I can't tell you how to live your life. As a hot blooded male, given the chance I would definitely like to have more than one sexual dalliance, if only for the satisfaction of my own ego. I made a similar joke once to my ex and she did not take it well. What I can say is I obviously did not expect her to take it well, but deep down there was a hope in me that she would be receptive and it would not have hurt either if she did. Your call tho

[powerhungry]

I would add that there's probably some truth in that he's bored with your body, which is not nice. But given the option of having sex, and having no sex at all, I'm sure he won't give you up that easily unless he had another option waiting, so like I said before, you want to show who's boss. Treat em mean keep em keen and all that.

[Tractorbeam]

What a weak bastard. I've worked 20+ hour days and still been interested in sex. I've worked 4 days x 24 straight with no sleep and still been interested in sex. I have never refused sex with a partner in my life.

He's not taking care of your needs, and he needs a kicking. You're being too kind and generous.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I don't think you're being too needy. I think you need to discuss your concerns with him openly and honestly. choose your words carefully so as not to become acusatory so that he doesn't get defensive. Speak to him about how it makes you feel. Make a compromise. While I get fitness is important.. I don't think you need 3-4 hours at a gym, 5 days a week. How about substituting one day of gym, for one day of sex... it's a workout, too.

[Asker]

He plays in a bball league at the gym and they play almost every night, so he plays basketball and works out as well. But yes, for 3-4 hours daily. I tried talking to him about it last night and he got really really upset. He said I was making a big deal out of nothing. He also said sometimes I make him not want to have sex by bringing it up so much. I don't want to push him away, I just want us to be more intimate. Do you think that's a sign that he's bored with me? :(

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I don't know. Usually sex leaving the relationship is a symptom of another issue.

[Asker]

so based off the information I've given you, what would you think the other issue is? is being extremely exhausted and just wanting to relax really a good reason to not initiate sex that much? or do you think I should start worrying about there being another issue.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

totally, being exhausted could be a valid reason with no other needed. But if he's unwilling to compromise any of his "things" for time with you - that to me is a bigger issue than being tired.

[Asker]

okay. maybe I am overreacting. I trust him completely he is an amazing boyfriend in every other way possible. I'm just going to back off on the sleeping at his house every night and the blow jobs and maybe i'll see some changes.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

Good luck.