Is not wanting to fulfill a rape fantasy a big deal?

[Anonymous]

Just to cut to the chase, the girl I'm with right now had been raped more than once in the past (not by me, obviously), the details I'm not sure of because she doesn't like to talk about it, and even if I did I wouldn't post them here. Anyway, I've known that for quite a while. Of course the idea of her being raped infuriates me, not at her, but at the idea that some men out there would do that to someone I care about so much. And I've had friends in the past who we're raped, and I've seen how scarring it is to the victim. Rape bothers me. So as you can probably guess from the question, my girl recently asked me to rape her, using that exact word. We've had rough sex in the past, and I'm all for that, but she wanted a rape simulation. So I decided to go for it, and it was quite obvious that it turned her on more than anything I'd done before. So now I'm at this multi-level conflict. One: She's been raped, that upsets me a lot, and now she wants me to pretend to do it. Two: She seems to really like it, and she also does things for me I really like that most girls don't do, so I feel like it might be a big deal to just say "Yeah, the one fantasy you enjoy more than anything, I'm never doing that. " Three: I feel insecure about my 'sexual prowess', if you will, because rape fantasies are ultimately about one partner having complete control of the other to the point of not caring about the desires of the submissive one, and I can't seem to do that to someone I respect so much. I feel like if I said I didn't want to do it I'd come across too much as sexually weak (she's very submissive already and pretty much wants me to be in control all the time, even though she's had way more experience than me). Four: Without going too much into detail, she's frequently putting herself in the situation where her 'fantasy' could become 'reality' (getting really smashed at parties and bars when she's alone or with a group of inattentive friends), which makes me feel insecure because I think that if I don't do this with her, given how much she likes it, she's going to get really drunk and it'll happen with some random dude. So my basic question is, how big of a deal is that your biggest sexual fantasy (would you cheat/one night stand to fulfill it? ), and do you think I'm over-thinking this and that I should just go with it (since she obviously would enjoy it)? Thanks for reading all this.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm another woman who's experienced a sexual trauma, and have a few pieces of advice for you:

1) Sex is curious in that our greatest desires typically mirror some of our first experiences. If your first sexual experience(s) is/are in the back of a car, this will tend to drive you wild later in life. This typically isn't something that you can easily change, and it's not worth trying unless your behavior is harmful. Even if your girlfriend's first experience wasn't an assault, I suspect this kind of vivid sexual experience could have a similar effect.

2) Are you worried about your girlfriend? as if she is still unhealthy about her rapes? If so, make sure she gets the appropriate counseling. The drunk parties & bars are a very big warning sign for this. Be very careful how you broach this subject: don't make her feel like you see her as "broken." This is probably the most important thing you can do for her. Be very gentle and accepting, making sure she sees the seriousness of her behavior without making her feel like you have a low opinion of her.

3) There's a *big* difference between a consensual rape role play and a real rape. What you're doing is not raping her, and I don't think she sees it that way. Many women fantasize about or enjoy a safe loss of control, but it's not the same thing as being raped.

4) If you are really uncomfortable with this, don't do it. Sex should be enjoyable for you too. However, every relationship requires compromises.

5) There *are* resources that can help you with your confidence and ability to control a sexual situation. This isn't so different from a dom/sub scenario; try searching for "how to be a good dom" or something similar. Keep in mind that it's a *role play*, think of it like playing a role. That's probably how she really sees you. It should feel real, but I doubt she'll start to think of you as a rapist.

6) Many others are right that this can be a way for her to reclaim or replace her negative experiences with positive experiences. As long as she's healthy, consider that you're helping her, not hurting her.

7) Don't worry about your relative experience. A good lover is confident, in the moment and attentive to both his/her partner and the situation. A little practice helps, but it doesn't take lots. Sex also doesn't get worse just because you've had more of it (unless you really overdo it).

8) Don't do something because you're afraid of her cheating. That's a toxic way to have a bad relationship. If you can't satisfy her, you'll probably break up—which will be better for both of you. Instead, focus on the fact that this will make her happy, and possibly more healthy. If you can't do it & it's a deal-breaker for her, you're better off the sooner you both figure that out!

Good luck, and I hope some of this was helpful. And again, make sure she gets any help that she may need to be a healthier person.

[bannaboat101]

Well this is a hard one to handle I was abused by my ex and my now boyfriend finds it infuriating like you do in your case but I would say she does it because it is the only kind of love she is used to and she doesn't know any other way to go about it and it is so exciting for her because of the memories and rush she felt from those previous experiences odd I know but its the fact of life and if you two are able to enjoy that fantasy together then just continue to do it whatever works works right? And as for not liking to feel in control well that is hard but think of it as a manly time for you and just every once in awhile still check in but other than that take control and let it all happen its hard I know but I'm sure she really appreciates all that you are doing and the way you've handled things I hope all turns out well and that you just keep it going a day at a time

[Anonymous]

Hi, I've been through a similar trauma as your girlfriend. [Besides the bar part, I'm underage, I felt like I was reading a description of myself. ] First let me say, that the rape fantasy does not extent to strangers. It is purely a desire I have that only my close trusted partner can fulfill. It has to feel "safe" otherwise it becomes a frightening experience. Does that make sense? I've thought about it a lot in my head, because its troubled my boyfriend like it does you. I think in a way it's trying to right the past by giving us some control over the situation, where before we were helpless. This time it was our choice, before we had no choice. And even though our partner is being rough, we still know that its a man who cares about us very much.

I know I would never go out and look for rape, why repeat the same horrible experience again?

[Maxfield]

This is an expanded question of a situation I've just had, so be sure to check it out their answers as well as the ones on here.

I think it sounds like she's been very understanding with your fantasies, so she will probably think about leaving you if you can't at least try hers. As prowess is concerned, never respect someone so much you can't have sex with them. No one wants to be put on a pedestal to the point where you can't fulfill their desires.

If she's really enamored of you, she probably won't run into cheating, but I would say there is a slight yet doubtful chance of that.

[lovebird01]

Its normal to have fantasies that extend to "rough sex", but I don't think rape is a normal fantasy. Rape is an act of violence; very accurately portrayed by bigguns in his comments. It sounds to me like she may need counseling for some hidden sexual problems relating to her rape(s).

[DanielSan]

you can rape her and make her feel safe ...its something that will help her cope with it.

[kazine]

I've been sexually abused a few times, not actually raped but it caused a lot of emotional trouble for me. But somehow I still enjoy the thought of being overpowered like this by my boy. I don't know why. I feel so wrong when I think about it. When he does it, the memories come back, but they don't bother me. Because I'm with him and I know I'm safe.

[chiefnavarro]

dude let the cavecome out. its awsome

[Anonymous]

Well, I guess it depends on her. Does the fact that she's been raped in the past upset her? Or like you said she puts herself in those certain situations that maybe it's what she's into? That, or if she's been raped multiple times (and it was also her first time), maybe she thinks that's the only way she can have sex or that is her definition of what sex is. I'm not sure. If it really bothers you, just talk these subjects over with her. It could be something that turns her on, or how she thinks sex should be. It obviously bothers you, and a relationship is based on both people, and you don't sound happy. Just talk it over with her and work on it from there. Hope this helped!