How to deal with and understand the introvert sitting in the corner so obviously ignoring you and being a debbie downer at your party

[Anonymous]

I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone -Audrey Hepburn

Never more were truer words ever spoken from an introverts mouth. We introverts live in a world that is designed for the extrovert. We praise the person at the party who is outgoing and makes everyone laugh and attracts all the attetion. In school we learn early on that life goals should involve being the most popular person with the most friends, a lesson that doesn't ever quite fade long after we've left our childhoods behind.

Why Extroverts Struggle with Introverts

Extroverts fear the idea of lonliness. They need you. They need a lot of you and often to feed their happiness. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with this, especially in our society. They often assume that everyone they encounter is on the same wavelength--they want to socialize with you, of course, you being one of the ones they need, should socialize right back in a way that is equal to the effort they are putting out. For example, they throw a party and invite you. The party is getting going, everyone is on the dance floor, but as the introvert you are sitting back just observing the scene...they read this as you, the introvert, are being rude or a party pooper, or not having a good time. Clearly because of this, they don't want to invite you to their next party and may even tell you how much of a jerk you were for not having what they percieve to be an equally good time.

Introverts don't outright need you in the way you need them. An introvert thrives off of the self. They are content sitting on the outside looking in, staying home by themselves, reading a good book, going to a movie alone, and when you cancel said party, they don't particularly get upset because that means they can stay home. As an extrovert reading that, you might think, woah, that sounds horrible or why would anyone be happy a party was cancelled, but that's thinking like an extrovert. Introverts are just fine with entertaining themselves and being by themselves.

There is a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I’ve got to see my friends because I’m too content by myself. - Drew Barrymore

How to Handle the Introvert in your life

1. Realize its nothing personal. Introverts aren't actively trying to be mean, they don't hate you, they don't think your party sucked just because they aren't 'on' in the way you think they should be. Like any human being, if you want to know if a person is having a good time or not, simply ask them and take their word for it, if they say, yes they are. Don't dwell on the fact they aren't dancing on a table or being outwardly social with everyone in the room.


2. Don't force a label on every introvert you meet as having to be shy, or awkward, or boring because they don't live up to your arbitrary standards of how they 'should' act around others. Introverts will often interact like everyone else when approached, but don't really expect that they are going to do much of the approaching because remember, they are entertained on a more internal level.


3. Introverts are drained by large crowds. They just are. It may be overwhelming, they may need a break, to walk off, to sit in the corner for a while, what have you. Let them be and again, don't take it personally. Put yourself in their shoes...if you as the extrovert had to stay home alone and watch a movie by yourself, you might find yourself being annoyed or bored or exhausted in the same way they are when dealing with a crowd.


4. You cannot force an introvert to be an extrovert. Forcing them to get out there, talk to more people, do more, be more, have more energy is going to absolutely have the opposite affect on them and they may just leave rather then having to force a level of fakeness that does not exist in them to be extroverted.


5. Just let introverts be. Remember, as harsh as it may sound, they really don't need you as much as you need them, but they do...need you. It may be boring to do the stuff they like to do, but every once in a while, just sit on the couch with them and have that movie marathon rather than go out. They will appreciate your effort.

[Anonymous]

Introvert doesn't necessarily mean antisocial. Introverts just get energy from being alone, and after being around a lot of people need time alone to relax because being around others drains their energy. That doesn't mean they don't LIKE being around them. And extroverts aren't necessarily outgoing people but they do thrive from being around other people

[JensonStatement]

You speak... You preach and you teach...
You teach people a great lesson about underestimated people.
We are underestimated. Extroverts ruling this world by demanding attention by their behaviour but we also want to.
Thanks for just writing this.
I also think i'm ambivert but i was/am in that introvert shell. I still don't know.

[Anonymous]

OMG love this. So true. I am an introvert. I am shy to approach people but I am not really shy. In fact I can be very talkative and bold and some people say I have an intensity and can be intimidating. I can yell and argue when I want to. But I hate being at parties too long and loud scenes overwhelm me. I need my quiet time and I enjoy it. I prefer chilling at home to clubbing. I like a quieter bar but I abhor clubbing. I love reading. And writing.

I may be hard for younger people to relate to I am 24 but don't like to do certain things that people my age do. I don't mind being alone.

In a way we are less lonely than extroverts we don't need people as much. They think we are so lonely but actually we aren't.

If we spend a lot of time together we really like you.

I do love spending time with people in small groups or one on one. But I would rather be alone than with people I don't genuinely like or feel close to. Because I enjoy being alone and I hate fake socializing. We are our own best friends.

[JuicyBrain]

You described me exactly. I have always been like that. Never went clubbing because it always sounded to me like how I would describe hell.

[myTake Owner]

You are precisely who I describe, being an introvert myself, I know it well, hence the writing of this take. I have a list of report cards from back in the day that describe me as being too talkative, and yet my mother was always saying how shy I was and that I needed to get over my shyness. I mean how could that be, right? We aren't lonely, or depressed, or in need to a whole group of people to make us feel good about ourselves. We know who we are as introverts and what we need to make us happy. We are in that way, no different from extroverts, yet according to some even in this post, we are diseased or broken somehow. Be you, the introvert you are! Your real friends know who you are and if you explain this to new people, and they don't get it and insist that you are a problem, then they don't need to have a place in your life.

[Ratiocinative]

The idea of an introvert is a myth. The reason some people feel "drained" after being social is because they are insecure and afraid of what other people think. I know because I used to be one. I used to spend my entire social experiences worrying and analyzing my "performance" and what others might be thinking about me. How could anyone not be mentally exhausted and anxious after doing that for several hours?

After working on myself for the past 5-6 years I no longer care if people like me or not. I just be myself, have fun, and most of the time people end up seeking my approval. I'll talk to anyone anywhere and I love going to parties and events and meeting new people. I'll walk around the mall and talk with random strangers just because it's fun to meet and connect with new people.

If people tell you you're an "introvert" it's not true and you don't have to stay that way. It will take a lot of work, but it will be worth it. The books "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "How to be a 3% Man" are great books to help you get started.

[myTake Owner]

It sounds like you needed some confidence, and I'm glad you worked on yourself and found your way there... however, part of the reason I wrote this is that people tend to think introverts are all these lonely, anxious, unhappy, and shy people. I have a strong group of friends, because of my job I have to be social and network and such, I go to parties, I am happy... yet, large crowds still drain me, I still prefer the company of myself over going to said parties. Introversion is not something you need to be cured from or to be treated for unless, in your case, you feel that you need to. The reference point as to whether or not being an introvert is detrimental to your life and well being is that if you feel happy, and if it is not disallowing you to function, you're just fine, however, if you feel like it is crippling you, you're overly anxious, you can't breath, and its stopping you from living and functioning, then you need help because there are bigger and more complex issues there.

[Ratiocinative]

Not saying people can't be happy being an introvert. People can be happy weighing 600 lbs, but lets be real, no one wants to weigh 600 lbs. People can be happy making $25,000 a year, but who wouldn't rather make $250,000? Some people simply decide that the work required to earn more money, or lose weight, or becoming more social is more uncomfortable than staying the way they are.

Don't let anyone tell you it's normal to be obese, or normal to be poor, or normal to be an "introvert". If someone doesn't want to change or better themselves, fine, that's their choice, but don't go around telling other people that anti-social behaviour is normal and try to discourage them from bettering themselves.

[myTake Owner]

Please re-read my response to you. Not once did I discourage what you have done for yourself. My first comment was in praise of what you've done bc it sounds like it helped you, and in fact, my last sentence indicated that if introversion is detrimental to ones life, like everything else, one needs help.

[myTake Owner]

Introversion isn't a disease or a financial wrung on a ladder to success that needs addressing in order to be healthy or happy with ones life as you have indicated yourself--introverts can be happy. To make the point a bit more clear to you, some of the richest, most well known, and popular people in the world have been known introverts: Ghandi, Bill Gates, J. K. Rowling, Audrey Hepburn, George Stephanopoulos, Albert Einstein, David Letterman, and Johnny Carson just to name a few. Many of these people are very public figures who have interacted with millions of people around the world, and YET, they still prefer the company of themselves and doing things that are less social. You're making the assumption that extroversion is the only way to be successful in life, and this clearly simply isn't the case. Just because one is louder and more vocal doesn't mean they have more friends, more respect, and more wealth than an introvert does.

[Ratiocinative]

Introversion is a disease. Or maybe disorder is the proper term. Either way, it is the social equivalent of being overweight or obese. Doesn't mean you can't be happy or successful, but it does make it harder.

And public figures are often some of the most insecure people you will ever meet. I don't personally know Bill Gates or JK Rowling, but being successful does not guarantee confidence. The last pastor at my parent's church had lots of credentials and had written several books, but he was one of the most insecure people I've ever met.

Being social is a skill that has to be learned just like anything else. Some people learn it as they grow up, and some people don't and have to make the choice to learn it as an adult. Just like some people learn proper diet and exercise growing up and some don't.

Not saying it makes someone a bad person, we all have flaws, but introversion is a character flaw. Telling people it is normal or part of their personality is completely untrue.

[myTake Owner]

You have failed to illustrate how introversion is a disease. If the power of being an extrovert means that it equals success, happiness, and health... you've already admitted introverts can be happy, and I've already demonstrated that introverts can be social, wealthy, and popular. Extroversion does not guarantee that a person is happy or is not insecure any more than introversion does. Suicides and the like don't only happen to people who are introverts. You have proved no point other than to say that you personally felt it was a disease that affected you and that you got help for it. You have not proven introversion is a disease at all other than to compare it to obesity which is a recognized medical disease. Introversion is not a recognized medical disease because as I've pointed out, it, nor extroversion as a sole cause, affects ones ability to function or be happy or healthy or be a part of society in a meaningful way.

[LightsOff]

You are so wrong. I'm an introvert and I don't give a fuck about what other people think of me. I don't worry about my "performance". You were not an introvert, you were incredibly insecure and anxious. The reason I feel drained after hanging out with people, especially in large groups, is because there's so much stimuli going on. Trust me, I do like multi-tasking because it's fun and convenient, but it's also very draining mentally. That's what it feels like when I'm at a party. I'm constantly observing people, their emotions, what they're saying, what they're doing, what's happening around me etc. I'm constantly collecting all this data. It's fun. It helps me keep up with the conversation and it helps me read people better. But it's also tiring. That's why I tend to excuse myself and go home during or right after the height of the party. Because then I feel like I have done, seen and said everything I need to. After that, I need my rest.

[LightsOff]

This has nothing to do with being insecure, antisocial or anxious. I do get a bit anxious in very large groups of people, but only because the crazy amount of stimuli is overwhelming. Not because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, looking dumb, or because people might think bad things about me. Like I said, I don't give a shit. There's a huge difference between being shy and introverted. There's a huge difference between being insecure and introverted. Lots of introverts are outgoing and confident. They just need some alone time every once in a while because of the stimuli. Please educate yourself further on the subject, instead of making assumptions and drawing false conclusions.

[Ratiocinative]

Maybe you don't care what other people say, but you just admitted you find yourself overwhelmed anxious in some social situations, aka uncomfortable. I enjoy people watching and reading body language too, but it doesn't make me drained anymore because I've purposely put myself in large social situations even when it felt uncomfortable so that I could develop that skill. It feels fun and natural and comfortable because I've practiced so much that it no longer drains me.

People love to excuse their flaws. Oh I'm not fat, I'm big and beautiful. I'm not lazy, I just have bad genetics do I can't lose weight. Or maybe you feel your people skills are good enough for right now and you want to focus developing other areas of yourself, that's fine. But introversion is no more a personality trait than obesity, laziness, alcoholism, bulima, or any other such disorder. Extroversion is a skill someone can learn, just like time management, fashion, self-control, etc. If you choose not to thats fine.

[xxyz123]

Puh lease these are scientific principles since when are you a scientist talk to me then thanks. It's actually broken down to brain chemistry.

[RationalLioness]

I don't have a problem with understanding introverts. If you seem boring or want to be left alone, I'm more than likely not going to pay attention to you to you anyway no matter what you are.

The issue is that not ALL introverts are like that and because they seem similar to those who want to be left alone, so the external messages that they're sending doesn't coincide with what they want.

I've been told by an introvert that this book was a good read for him:
www.amazon.com/.../0307352153

[genuinlysensitive]

So your way is the only right way, and anyone who is different is wrong? Maybe try and understand others different to yourself.

[RationalLioness]

Clearly that's not what I said. Reading comprehension fail once again. What else should I expect from you though besides stupidity?

[FatherJack]

Introversion is mostly confused with shyness & anxiety , I'm quite introverted , I don't go out socially ( can't be bothered now... used to be a party animal well into my 20's ) , I work FT , run own ventures as well & have a young family to bring up , I do not lack confidence , I just prefer my own company ( today I've stayed put , despite it being a pleasant summers day ) I do have a lively , but caustic sense of humour , so I do make most non oversensitive laugh. We all need to recharge from this , often toxic world in our own ways... other people can be irritating & taxing to deal with at times.

[myTake Owner]

I think the biggest take away I hoped to explain to the extroverts of this world is that we are just normal well adjusted people, just doing our own thing. I agree that there is way to much stimulation in the world and everyone introverted or not, needs to be able to turn that off and just be. Introversion doesn't mean you're going to end up old and alone living in some basement... its just the way you think and interact with the world around you.

[Riggers]

Im an introvert because i just don't like being around people.
People are only nasty, so, i try and avoid them whenever possible ;)

[Unit1]

True... true...

[Not_Helping]

How can you just let introverts be but also invite them to things? I mean if they actually don't need me as much as "I need them" then why not just find people who share the same level of enjoyment from my company?

You built a case against them quite well. What good is hanging around people who don't want to be there?

[JensonStatement]

I want to be around people but i don't like talking that much:
Like they say about little kids in a dysfunctional family: You think they don't notice and listen but they do and pick up more than you think.
I don't dislike because i'll be honest to get your question.
I do speak about myself now but so do much introverts.
We don't ask for attention by screaming and doing cool stuff or make sure that people look at us.
We also want attention or someone to be with.
We can make fun by just sitting around and enjoy the company.

[Anonymous]

I'm not an introvert. I'm a loner.
I hate feeling so lonely, but I hate big crowds.
I don't need a ton of friends, just one really good friend. Quality or quantity

[CanaanAshes]

That means you're an interovert

[KidanisCortes]

I'm actually and introvert because I hate myself. I think most introverts are people who had bad experiences socializing early life and they got bullie or ridiculed and that why they avoid people.

[LightsOff]

No... just no.

[genuinlysensitive]

Not all but it can happen.

[xxyz123]

No I don't hate myself one bit

[FakeName123]

There is a difference between being more cam and somewhat introverted and using introverted to excuse your shiness, insecurities and/or autism.

Nowadays it is mostly the second. Claiming others how to have to treat your fragile self, because you lack any foundation of mental strength clearly isn't the right way to approach it and speaks for entitlement.

[genuinlysensitive]

You say shyness like its a bad thing.

[FakeName123]

Correct. Mainly because almost all cases of shyness stem out of weaknesses and anxiety. And instead of working on it, nowadays it seems to be a trend to expect others to treat them special so they are capable of functioning properly in social situation.

Well, tough life. Earth spins without you. You want something, work for it.

[myTake Owner]

What special treatment have I asked in this take? I've merely explained what goes on in an introvert mind and how extroverts tend to react to that in certain situations. I've literally explained that we don't need you to jump through any hoops to make us feel a certain way and you've somehow interpreted that as we need special treatment. Do not confuse introversion with shyness and anxiety---if those things do not allow you to be social at all or you are so enabled that you can't go out, ever, then those are actual disorders that need help, but merely being an introvert does not mean you are a complete anti-social and can't communicate or have severe anxiety. I used the examples of Johhny Carson and Audrey Hepburn and Bill Gates, known introverts, who appeared at or interviewed or were very social, and yet they still preferred their own company or being in quieter situations. These people were or are also married and have kids. You don't get that by being walled up somewhere alone.

[Starfishlover]

I normally don't invite introverts and downers to my party. Who wants that shit? I purposefully exclude them in every activity. That is what they want after all

[Starfishlover]

I don't need an introverts approval. I have many extrovert friends anyway.

[CanaanAshes]

I'm an introvert, and like it said there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, I don't like being around large crowds but that doesn't mean I want people to act as if I'm an outcast

[Starfishlover]

Im sorry it's just that your types exhaust the crap out of me and I have to work extra hard to ensure that you're having a good time. I don't know if you are because introverts have a stony look to their face. At the end of the night, I am the one that didn't have fun because I had to cater to introverts. I don't know what you guys are thinking or need because introverts don't seem to have a grasp of communicating exactly what they want. So I just don't invite them and I feel a million times better with just extroverts. Just a little tip for all introverts, you really shouldn't go to parties, you make other people uneasy.

[JuicyBrain]

As an introvert, you sound exhausting lol

[myTake Owner]

It's a shame you feel that way. I have a great mix of introvert and extrovert friends and not once have I been excluded because if you call someone a friend, then you love them or like them for who they are. We're all different people, things that go beyond just a label, and in life you will meet many people from both sides as I have, and if you just cancel people out because "you fear" they aren't having a good time, you may be missing out on getting to know some great people.

[Starfishlover]

Take owner, introverts never give themselves a chance for me to get to know them. I don't care if they are mother Theresa. If they don't want to do the things that I want to do or give me a chance for me to get to know them, then I'm afraid I am not at a loss. I mean, how would I miss out on something I didn't know. I am missing out on a million dollars somewhere. But it doesn't affect me because I didn't know about it.

[myTake Owner]

I think you are much too focused on stereotyping all introverts as being one thing that may not even be true. No group of people is typically ever in an all or nothing situation. I'm an introvert trying to explain to you that its not about how you need to please us or make concessions for us, its quite the opposite. You and a few others seem to think that we need you to go all out of your way to make us happy when most of my point is that we are happy--we may never be the life of the party in your eyes, but we don't need to be because we don't need to please you. No one should be living there lives in such a way that they are being fake just to make others feel good. Extroverts sometimes seem to think as you erroneously have, that we also don't need people at all, when my very last point was that we do like every other human being on the planet and there are plenty of introverts married with kids, so it is clearly not our life's goal to die alone! That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I'm a little introverted and extroverted, so I can relate. Though I think my surroundings kind of dictates how intro or extro I feel.

[noneoftheabove]

Yes i totally relate to this point. Im a loud mouth in work but when i went abroad a few months ago for my mates wedding i was quiet as anything. Partly because i didn't feel comfortable in the crowd and i didn't like some of them.

[Sam19XX]

Nice take
--

[Song4TheBroken]

I like this take, I can totally relate.

[myTake Owner]

Awesome, thanks

[redstar123123]

Don't invite him next time. Shyness is selfishness. They have a disease of the "I." This coming from someone who's used to be that way. He should feel lucky you invited him in the first place.

[genuinlysensitive]

Shyness isn't selfishness. The constant need for attention and adoration from others on the other hand can be quite selfish.

[redstar123123]

I guess.

[myTake Owner]

I think you misinterpreted quite a bit of this post. When I'm invited to a party it is a good feeling to know that someone essentially wants me there, but my good time isn't dictated by having to be the life of the party. I can quite happily wall crawl, talk to a few people, and be just as happy as the person with their shirt off dancing on the table in the middle of the room. Introversion doesn't mean that you are shy or crippled by social anxiety. It simply means that you don't need a 100 people at a party to feel good... one or two is enough, or maybe not even that.

[redstar123123]

I see.

J

[JensonStatement]

Well, i think you're the only one who was like that.

[Anonymous]

Good take!

[MayneHoldUP]

I love this, thank you :)