People always tell me how much they wish they would be like me but what they see from outside is just what I want others to see me; strong, happy, careless etc. All good things. But They don't know what I am hiding inside or what things I had to deal till now.
Sometimes I wonder if they would still want to be just like me. What if I show my scars on my soul? Would they still wish that? Could they stand both that physical and mental pain. My body got so tired of hiding and coming over of the things alone that it can't stand anymore and it shuts me down! Yeah you didn't hear wrong, that's the last favour it can do for me. Imagine your computer freezing when there are too much screens open, when there is a kind of virus, or a sofware is missing... It freezes and sometimes restarts. That's how my body works anymore... It shuts me down(I pass out) when I can't deal anymore, when I am too stressed.
No, I wasn't like that before. That's why I said that's the last favour that my body can do for me. I had times when I puked blood. It was coming from both inside me and my nose. I was so scared that I thought I had a serious illness. But isn't stress the mother of all illnesses? Even we don't see it as dangerous as other things it is cattish. It will start its work slowly. When you can't fight anymore and let your guard down, it will lead to some illnesses. It will make you more stressed. You will say "Why? Why I got this illness? Why me?" Or you will take your guard back and try to fight. But people around you will try to prevent you! They will hold your arms and try to put them down. These people are the ones who are the reason you feel so! If you can't get rid of them, you won't be able to win this match. You will lose in the end. But what if these people are so close to you and you have to live with them? Then you will have to fight forever... And you will get so tired that you may have to give up.
I had many things in my life since my childhood. The things that no child could endure. I had an illness that I don't even remember how old I was when I had it. I just remember that I had to wake up many times because of it. I couldn't go to the camps nor could stay at anybody's house. When they insisted I was telling "My dad doesn't let me stay out." Because I didn't tell them the truth. I didn't want to tell about my illness.
Once, my mom was in intense care. At that time my dad was working and I had to stay at my relatives house for a while. My mom was about to die. When she tells about it now she says "I was able to hear what nurses say, but couldn't even move my eyes. Then they said, poor woman. She is so young and she has children. Bad for them that they will lose their mom." I know everybody loses their mom when they were child. But the time was so bad.
What my mom said is that a drop of tear came from her eye and they understood that she can hear them. Her love to us saved her life. This thing made me psychologically bad.
If I am not wrong it was second year of my high school that I got over my illness.I don't want to tell what it was just now that there left no doctor that I didn't see. Nobody could cure it. Happily it was over anymore. But till that time I was crying every night thinking I will be like that forever.
When I was in the last year of high school, I fell and broke my tailbone. And Also had herniated discs. And many other things. That year was so important for me because I was preparing for university entrance exam. And I was going to take an exam that all students have to, to be able to enter any university. And guess what happened? I had to drop the course that I was taking. Because I wasn't able to walk. It was so painful even to turn to the other side on the bed. By the way I am a stoical person. The nights became my nightmares again. I was always crying because the doctor told me that even I am young I won't completely able to get over it. What a bad doctor! He must had said some positive things!
I took the exam but I had so much pain that I couldn't even look all the questions. That was the first part of the exam. I passed the first part. I passed it but had really low score. But the second one was more important for me. A few months later I took English exam and I had a really good score on it.
That was a gift of God telling me "You had enough, now I can take you to the rewarding part of the life."
Here my title starts. I got better. And I tried to be positive whatever happens in life. I tried to smile even when I was upset. Nobody recognized my real feelings. I was always laughing and I was happy. I was in another city away from my family(I had some problems with my dad so being alone made me better). I learnt to control my thoughts. I was able to control all my negative thoughts(or I thought I could). All my friends were telling me that I have a happy life, I don't care anything, I don't even get nervous while doing presentation, I have a great accent etc. They were telling "I wish I were just like you".
There were only one friend of me who understood me. He said "You always look happy, you always smile but the people who smiles a lot are the ones who hide a lot." He knew it, he knew that I had some things in past.
So, along my university years everybody was looking up to me. I was about to graduate and bang! My waist! My hernia: "You forgot me dear!". I had a crick on my waist. And it lasted too long. I had many treatments. It was touching to the nerves so it was so painful. I wasn't able to walk or stand properly. After one year I had another treatment. It was 100 euros per session. And I took seven sessions. It is called MBST. That made me recover by time. But even 2 years passed, I still don't have a normal life. I can't work either which makes me overthink.
"I can't work."
"Won't I get completely better?"
"It has been so many years and I am the same."
These thoughts got me! I wasn't able to eat anything. My stomach was getting so big and I was feeling full. I went to doctor. I had endoscopy. I have gastritis and also ulcer because of stress. I wonder if all these people would like to be like me, or would wish to live the same life after knowing the reality. These are just some of my life. I had a lot more and worse!
I always think about the people who are worse than me. That's how I hold the life. I try to see the things that I have. I still try to think positive. I say I don't care, but even I don't recognize, I do care deep inside. And my body reacts to the situations without me knowing.
So what I want to say is that don't wish to be like somebody else. You don't know what they got through in life. You don't know if they are happy. They will lie you. They will tell you that they don't care, they will laugh a lot, they will just look perfect!
And another thing, please, please be kind to the other people. Don't argue with them. Tell it with good words, explain it, respect them! I see so many people here who are so rude on comments. But you don't know the other side. What if that person overcares what you write to them? What if that person gets really sad after reading rude comments?
Focus on your own life, you don't know what others get through.
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