My Response to "How My Friend's Baby Pulled Us Apart"

[1truekhaleesi]

This is my response to this article.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/sorayaroberts/how-my-best-friends-baby-pulled-us-apart?utm_term=.yl3NPNR2E#.ef3XKX9rz

When I was in high school, my best friend was Alee. She was totally the "mom" of our group. She would tell us to text her when we got home safe, make or buy us food when we were hungry, always liked our selfies no matter what, would randomly compliment us even when we didn't look our best, and would invite the people sitting by themselves at lunch to come sit at our table.

When I was 14, I decided kids weren't for me. Five and a half years later, nothing has changed. When we were both about 18, I told her I didn't want kids. She simply shrugged and said that it was my decision and went on to say that she knew I won't change it. She supported and comforted me when people said terrible things to me about my choice. I supported her when she was afraid she was infertile. Graduation came soon after that and we both went our separate ways. I was busy going to school to get my nursing degree. She worked and became pregnant with her son.

About a month ago Alee had her son, Isaac. A lot of people warned me that things change when people have kids. I don't know about that. Of course we barely get to hang out because I'm going to school and she has her son. Alee still supports me being childfree. In return, I support her choosing to have children.

Recently I became openly childfree. Along with telling the truth about how I felt about kids, I started sharing some childfree memes on Facebook. A few people got offended and removed me on Facebook. But Alee never took things personally and thinks my childfree memes are funny as hell. Alee still shares plenty of parenting and mom memes. Some things never change. She is just as kind and considerate as she was in high school. She's never shared parenting memes that are annoying and offensive to people who can't have kids or choose not to. Like, "you don't know true love until you have a kid." (Really? Not even your spouse? Plenty of people know true love and they don't need a kid to feel that kind of love)

Honestly, she can share as much parenting memes as she wants. For example, unlike most people she understands that I still have a lot of responsibilities even though I don't have a kid. Or that I'm not going to lend money out just because I'm not spending money taking care of kids. Basically, she understands everything in this picture. Best of all, she doesn't act superior because she birthed a child.

When my parents found out that I don't plan on having kids, they freaked and threatened to kick me out of the house. But I'm guessing they never took me seriously. Mainly because they later found out just how serious I am about not having kids because I'm planning to be sterilized soon, when I can pay for it. (I may not have to worry about paying for it because Obamacare may be here to stay. Obama supported our choice to be sterilized so it's covered by Obamacare) After they found out I plan to be sterilized, their reaction was, "oh god you're actually serious? They freaked out and threatened to kick me out of the house again.

So did Alee having a kid ruin our relationship? Hell no. We're two adults living busy lives. So all I ask from her is her genuine support. She has delivered on that and given me so much more. I always get a lot of hate when I say I'm childfree but I've stood my ground and haven't changed my mind in the slightest. Plus, I am in several childfree Facebook groups and I have their support. There are some people who had kids and still support the childfree community. They are valuable people to the childfree community. Trust me, I would know. Like this article.

https://www.tinystepsmommy.com/2013/07/08/tiny-steps-mommy-tales-childless-by-choice/

As the childfree community fights to be accepted and properly represented in society, we need to accept each other. Choosing to not have children was my choice. Just like how choosing to have children was a choice women like Alee made. We all have different aspirations and dreams in life so we can't get mad at someone for choosing a different path. What the writer of "How My Friends Baby Pulled Us Apart." should've done, was support her. Just as long as her friend supports her.

[JudgmentDay]

I always find those excuses to justify procreation to be delusional, and that choosing to procreate is the only way for someone to not be selfish to also be delusional. Really? Who the fuck said that?

I mean seriously? With the way this kind of world and reality is, it's playing Russian Roulette with bringing someone into existence. You have very little control over what happens in this world, very little control over what exactly will happen in your children's future. Oh yea sure, they might turned out to be fine, super rich and famous or some shit one day, or they might end up broke homeless, really sick from chronic illnesses, or they could become depressed and suicidal or worse, all fucked up and homicidal, or turn out to be some horrible maniac like many past dictators.

THERE ARE NO FUCKING GUARANTEES THAT THINGS WILL ACTUALLY BE FINE FOR THEM.

You don't know what will happen, they could become a victim of a horrible crime one day unexpectedly, or be the one that caused such an incident. Or they might even die in a horrible accident unexpectedly, there is always unavoidable risks, but that is the reality someone will have to be willing to face otherwise then what is the point of risking it anymore? I know I am one of those that will NEVER be willing to face and accept it thus I can NEVER agree to have children of my own.

Again, it's the very little control we all have is the reason why I think, having children really something not to be taken lightly, because it is and it will be a big life-changing decision.

There's also the complete lack of control over what genes your children will get, and sometimes this can be really bad as they might inherit many genetic flaws that cause illnesses or other problems. So unless you are in a family where approximately 99.9% of everybody is very fit and healthy then the risks are probably minimal. Maybe science and engineering will eventually give enough control and eventually "GUARANTEE" that your children will only get the good genes, having a manual override and preventing them from getting any of the bad genes, maybe only a very small insignificant amount of bad genes.

From a more realistic and yet pessimistic outlook, all life that is created and exists will become exposed to harm, pain and suffering. If you create a life, you created the possibility of a death also, as all life eventually ends in death.

So it all ends up being tragic inevitably.

[JudgmentDay]

but that is the reality someone will have to be willing to face otherwise then what is the point of risking it at all in the first place?

If you have somebody, then there will always be the possibility of having somebody to lose and that is the reality.

We're all so temporary, fragile and vulnerable, no matter what.

For those that really want family and children, I understand they will ignore these risks or that they feel that what they want outweigh the risks. Each to their own is all I meant, I hate it when all those motha fuckas judge us Childfree crowd with complete negative biases. because they don't see things differently from a different perspective thus they hate us, because the truth is they just don't get it simply because they aren't us.

[Unit1]

Indeed.
It's also unfair that we didn't ask to be born in the first place. We're just popped out to the ordinary citizen.
Had I a review of what life is at the time of my birth, I'd cancel and would have let myself become terminated.

[JudgmentDay]

@Unit1 Pretty much, had I known the catches of being a mere mortal sentient being of biological organic components and become aware of what this reality and what this world really is like, then I would have had to pass also. But since none of us could know it beforehand, we never had a say, thus we had no control, and the "fairness" of this in which we speak of is indeed questionable. Obviously our parents didn't see the world and reality the way we saw it, otherwise, they either would have aborted us or that they would have always use proper birth control to avoid conceiving us, but that's not the case for us. They wanted a kid and a family and thus we're going to be stuck here until our time is up in this world.

[Unit1]

Exactly!
Since I am so considerate to not reproduce, I won't repeat the mistakes that our parents did.
GET IT?
THE MISTAKES!
:)

[vonasaurus]

"the idea that women are mothers first, people second, is so pervasive that debunking it can seem its own kind of wish."- kate bolick

i love this take... most of my friends have kids; as of now, i'm one of only 2 who doesn't. sure, our friendships have changed, but that happens as you get older anyway.

sure, i don't want my own kids. by my friends' kids love me~ i spoil them rotten, play outside with them, and generally enjoy being fun auntie von. but i enjoy my freedom too, and there's nothing wrong with that.

if you're close to someone, you should support that person's goals and dreams. my friends chose to have kids and i won't hold it against them, as long as they respect my right to remain childfree (my preferred nomenclature as well). and, if people say horrible things to me about my choice, i'll ditch them because they clearly aren't real friends.

i'm glad that everything worked out for you and alee, and i wish you both the best. thanks for sharing this with us :)

[Unit1]

"and, if people say horrible things to me about my choice, i'll ditch them because they clearly aren't real friends."

This.
The second this was spoken was the last second of the friendship. Since it's fake it's not worth keeping it at all.

[vonasaurus]

exactly! real friends don't put down the people they care about.

[Unit1]

That was a good read! I'm also a fellow member of the childfree community.

I was told by some, that women face a bigger shitstorm for not wanting kids than men do.
What I will not accept is strong persuasion like these offensive expressions in your example. As soon as someone tries that shit on me, they're out of my life and history and I will never speak to that person again (at least regarding this subject).
I do agree, that mature people shouldn't attack another for having different lifepaths when it comes to children.
In fact supporting both childfree and those, who want children is the best thing possible to do.

You know what I do as a childfree man when I get asked about kids? I simply change the subject real quick or find ways to not answer these questions. I'm so to say a ghost when it comes to having kids.
"When will you have kids?"
"Uh, I don't know. Time will tell."

"Do you want children?"
"I'm not sure. I haven't thought about it." and from there on play along while still on the inside remaining a stable stance on being childfree.

"Do you like kids?"
"Well, I do not like those, that aren't mine."

Do you see what I mean by drifting away from it?

From my own point of view it seems to me, that there are more childfree men than childfree women. Would anyone tell me more about this or am I the only one, who see's it this way?

@JudgmentDay I am sure that you are interested in this. Children do not matter for the childfree members, remember? More children means more suffering you said.

[JudgmentDay]

I already responded to this take, thanks.

[Unit1]

I'd also like to know the opinion of lady @HaveQuestions what she thinks about it if she doesn't mind replying.

[flypaper]

I'm a Mom and my best firend that is like a sister (we've been super close since about 1 1/2 and lived a few doors apart (she actually lived next to the guy I married-lol). She is proudly child free. We are pushing 30 and my oldest is 11 and she is my almost 7yearolds God Mother. We may not have always liked each others decisions but we have always supported them and I have no problem with her not wanting to get married or have kids she went the school (which I am doing now years later-lol) when I had kids and we had separate lives but we were always there for each other in fact me and my crew just decorated her house right after she made settlement. While we can't always be there we always are when it counts <3

So I def. agree with what you wrote great take!

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

I really truly liked your MyTake. Yes it should be your choice
that you wish not to have children and people should respect you
on your choice i also think that children can be expensive plus there
is lot of responsibilities as well. My cousin for one had her first child
when she was age 38 , now she's age 40 and pregnant again the thing
is her first child went through pillar to post plus the first child has Lyme
disease so she still has lot of responsibilities but she was negligence
in getting pregnant for the second time. I love my cousins but she fails
to see she has made some wrong decisions in life plus she doesn't
believe in God but everyone has his or her own choice whether to believe
my cousin is currently living in housing here with me and other cousin
but her mother told her that there is no room here for a small baby
i loss my room due to the third cousin taking over it but so much
thanks for sharing your MyTake very well written.

[CoolSky01]

child-free community? there is a community now? whats next people who want to be dogs organazation? wtf is wrong with people these days, they all want to feel so special and choose some silly ass things... you dont want kids cool, good luck remaining sane or happy in the next 50 or 60 years, not many people managed to do it by being alone.

[1truekhaleesi]

Yeah. I wanted to know other people that don't want kds either, so I went out and found them. I'm already happy.

[Ragini]

You wrote your heart out... If that makes sense. :)

[1truekhaleesi]

Thanks!

[RealandGenuine26]

I see nothing wrong with not wanting kids even though i do want kids. I have a sister that told our mom she doesn't want kids , she didn't get upset or judge her. We are all adults who need to stop focusing on other people's lives.

[ShaeNielson]

I have no problem with people who choose to be childfree, I have a problem with people who don't want children but mock those who do or tell them how disgusting children are, and of course the other way around too.

[Ali55sven]

I dont want kids, noone can say or do anything to change that. I dont need to explain my reasoning either. Tbh il rather have a pet.

[Prettygurl12]

Okay but how did your friend's baby pull you apart?

[1truekhaleesi]

Very carefully with his chubby arms

[pavlove]

now you hate babies? you truly are a crazy cat-lady

[1truekhaleesi]

Who said I liked babies or cats to begin with?

[pavlove]

You're a woman

[1truekhaleesi]

You know, I couldn't tell even though I have female genitalia. Thanks for clearing that up. Obviously I am a woman captain obvious.

[pavlove]

well, does it not logically follow that women would have a predisposition to loving babies since they carry them? seems like that would be a good predisposition for a species to adapt for survival

[1truekhaleesi]

There's 7.5 billion people on this planet. We will be more than fine. But considering that humans break everything they touch, scientists say we are breeding ourselves to extinction.

I'm thinking either I'm broken or having children is forced on women by society. From young ages, girls are taught how to be mothers. There's even dolls that act like actual babies.

[1truekhaleesi]

I'm broken at least according to society. Cause I made my own decision and didn't let society force it on me. I thank the universe everyday that I don't have kids.