Hiding in the Closet: Atheists, Gays, Bisexuals, and Minority Races

[Lopezz1999]

I am an agnostic atheist, former Christian and I live in a primarily Christian household. My older brother is a bisexual living under the same roof. Although he's a Christian and I'm straight, we still have a problem as far as coming out goes. As we all would know right now, society is pretty fucked up, and are unaccepting of many gays, and definitely atheist, which are by far the most hated minority group in the U.S. Now I know that we should be open with others around us, and we need to know how to communicate with others in the real world, and so you must be careful of what you say to other people. I unintentionally made my mother bawl her eyes out a few months after learning of my atheism, learning that I'm not going through a phase, nor will I be likely to ever revert back to Christianity or any religion, and the same to my brother and his bisexuality. Those like himself and I, always face:

Constant Rejection As More Find Out

Or constant attention. As a minority, you are more likely to get attention from others who are different from you, and that includes race. Being the only Latino or Asian in a room full of whites is going to draw people's eyes to you no matter what, because you're physically different as far as skin tone and genetics, you are automatically more interesting to others around you, as they're so used to seeing other whites. Same goes for the other minorities, including gays.

Now many get lots of good attention. I had a gay girl bud of mine in my Senior Class of 2017 talk to us about why she likes women instead of men, and instead of arguing with that, we pretty much all found what she was saying interesting, and primarily agreed with what she had to say. I mean I agree, I don't like dicks, and women being more emotionally intelligent, so why not agree with why she likes women more?

And what about atheists? Well me and my other friend being the only two atheists in the classroom originally had met up with more people who weren't the most religious, and were open minded about why we we're always atheists or why we lost our faith. It was really nice really, but thats just one side of the coin.

For others, they weren't so lucky. In my personal experience, coming out as an atheist will test your emotional strength. Like I said before, I made my fucking MOTHER cry.. That isn't something I ever want to go through again. It's worse than the grief I'd feel of her own inevitable death..

Questions

"How could you be moral when you're atheist?"

"Are you sure you're gay?"

"Can you teach me how to speak Chinese?"

We all have morals, yes I'm (hypothetically) gay, and no I can't, because I don't know the fucking language. As apart of being different from everyone else, others around you are likely to ask about yourself and their concerns. I happen to see this most often with mixed guys like myself or Asian girls, because they automatically assume I can fluently speak Spanish just because of my last name, or the Asians can fluently speak in other languages. Many times we can, but most of the time, we don't appreciate it. We're us, and you're you. Let us coexist in modern society please!

Emotional Hardships

I'm speaking to the atheists or bisexuals/homosexuals primarily here. Depending on how religious and how close minded your family is, you are going to face tears and disappointment, because although your family genuinely cares about you by crying and whatnot, they fear that you're going to a Hell for being gay, or they fear that you will cease to go to church with them for being an atheist. That fear is going to cause them to talk to you, triggering your emotions because they'd hope for you to return to safety.. however because it's not likely to happen, the onions shall stay in the area, and your tears are on the line.

Acceptance to Similar Minorities

With those who are ridiculed for their beliefs and attractions, you'll definitely seem to fid easier friends with those with similar beliefs, just like how friends are made in the modern days. They'd feel more at home, with a safer place to discuss what's going on with their lives ever since their situation changed their lives.

And with that, there are a few things that you can do to avoid drastic, dramatic changes to your lifestyle like:

-Avoiding coming out if you're still living with your parents

-Avoiding coming out to those who will hurt you more than help you

-Come out to only those you trust

I hope none of you face the drama that I did, but I also hope this said something to someone else. We're not alone, guys.

[Cccgala]

A very similar situation happens to me. I'm dragged to go to Church every Sunday to make my mother feel "secure." All she wants is a supreme deity protecting her children and each of her child's future.

While I think that deed of hers is selfless, I also think it's a bit delusional because at the end of the day, we're responsible for ourselves, unless an external perpetrator intentionally/unintentionally annihilates us.

This Take has been really heartfelt as it has resonated my struggles. Thank you for sharing!

[Lopezz1999]

Thank you! And yes, I completely agree. Sorry for what happens to you at church though.. I know it's not something that you were willing to do in the beginning.

[SmartButBroke]

Listen, I'm a woman, bisexual, black, an agnostic atheist... and though I come from a family with money, I *myself* as an adult am poor. I can tell you, out of all of those identities, I am hated most for being black, and it's not close. My mother does not like that I don't believe in God, but she'd hate my sexuality more if she knew it.

I see other people here trying to argue who is "most hated"... that is always going to be an argument. My point is no one can say who is most hated, especially if they're only from one or two hated groups. You don't have much to compare it to from personal experience, in most cases. I just know, personally, I am hated and/or made to feel "less than" more for being black than my [lack of] religious beliefs and for everything else I personally have to compare it to, and other blacks seem to be treated poorly more for being black than for anything else they can be, as well. Being Hispanic or mixed with anything other than black is not the same experience racially/ethnically.

Also, the older I get, the more I feel like I face drama for being a woman, especially being a black woman, which you can't understand. I did not feel like this in my 20s or teens. Most of the crap I experience is related to sex/gender and race. I am not "out" to most people in terms of orientation, but that also allows me to hear how people talk about LGBT people and see how other LGBT people are treated to their face by these same people. Most LGBT people are treated well to their face by most people but get talked about behind their back and/or get some "off" comments/statements said to them that make them pause and think if they should be offended about it. For me, I didn't even realize so many people dislike bisexuals until I came to GAG, especially men vs bisexual women.

I live in the South, i. e. the "Bible Belt," and still don't experience anything being an atheist. EVERYONE around me is religious and has been whenever I've lived in the South. My mother is the only person who *openly* has a problem with my being an atheist, but it rarely comes up.

[shrugs] I don't care about "drama" and people not liking me based on identities, except I feel being a black woman makes it remarkably hard to find love (and sometimes friends). And I know some people on GAG hate when you say that and there's always some black chick presenting herself as an exception, but in general it's just hard because so many people aren't attracted to us even in our own race.

[Lopezz1999]

Wow, that was a lot to take in. I've even heard that black men nowadays say that they'd rather go for white women, and I understand why not being straight and being agnostic atheist also hurts along with the pain.. that really must've been awful for you..

[MargaritaPeach]

I love that you own who you are; I wish that we lived in a society where every part of you was embraced. And celebrated. But cheers to you for being true to the real you instead of trying to pretend to be something you're not.

[sedrftvgyhujik]

Sorry society is how it is and I hope things all work out for you.

[JapanFreak2323]

I'm half japanese and chinese. I grew up in Japan mostly. But I live in the USA now for a few years. I'm an atheist (agnostic atheist) but I feel some of these complaints (if you wanna call it that) are a bit too much.

Questions
"How could you be moral when you're atheist?"
"Are you sure you're gay?"
"Can you teach me how to speak Chinese?"

I don't think these 3 things are remotely the same in terms of offense or oppression.

"How could you be moral when you're atheist?"
This makes sense because the person asking is making the assumption that atheist can't be moral so at least that makes sense why it would be offensive.

"Are you sure you're gay?"
This isn't too bad, some people literally are unsure of being gay and DO go through phases, either gay or straight phases, so there are cases if you ask someone are you sure you're straight/gay/bi sometimes they will say "You know what, I'm not sure and I'm still exploring that" so it doesn't make this a unreasonable question. Now if it goes Beyond that question to oppress and force the individual to become another orientation than thats different.

"Can you teach me how to speak Chinese?"
I honestly don't even see why this is offensive or even close to the other 2 questions. When I live in Japan and American forgein students came by many japanese people would ask the American to teach them English and many of them happily did it. If someone asked me to teach them chinese or japanese I wound't be offended and just see it as imply they are interested in my language/culture.

"Because they automatically assume I can fluently speak Spanish just because of my last name, or the Asians can fluently speak in other languages"

Maybe that's because a person with the last name "Lopez" is more likely to speak Spanish the same way a person with he last name "yang" is more likely to speak chinese.

I wouldn't expect a person with the last name "Lopez" to speak Arabic. (Not saying thats impossible) but assumptions aren't totally unreasonable. When Americans or people with White American Parents live in Japan I expect them to speak English.

[JapanFreak2323]

"Many times we can, but most of the time, we don't appreciate it. We're us, and you're you. Let us coexist in modern society please!"

Well you don't speak for all minorities, many of us don't care or aren't offended. Most of my minority friends don't mind being seeing as different and we quite like it, it makes us unique. We can't pick and choose when we want to be "unique" and the same as everyone else.

"Let us coexist in modern society please!"
Not sure what this really means in relation to the language thing.

[JapanFreak2323]

There's nothing wrong with people liking another culture, and not all assumptions are baseless or irrational. I feel this thing goes too far and starts treading the line of being close minded. I've seen many Asians do this with white people and they literally think everything is racist, triggering or any interest in Asian culture is yellow fever/weaboo/etc.

Sometimes people are victims and that is true like gay children from homophobic households but stuff like complain about "can you teach me a language" or assuming a person with the name "Yang" speak mandarine or cantonese just seems to be compelling about nonsense

[Lopezz1999]

Racial minorities such as Asians are not ridiculed, and the example question above was not meant to be taken offensively, neither minority races, and that's why it has little to do with the other questions. Many do not care whether or not a fellow joe is an atheist or a gay, but many do. Below, some atheists are either bullied for being atheists, or hidden because they fear of what's to come if others find out, giving the impression that it would be a terrible idea to tell others. And also, I mentioned the races because they're likely to get asked questions, and they're likely to get more attention, because of their race, fitting in to some of the points of what gays or atheists face.

[JapanFreak2323]

"They automatically assume I can fluently speak Spanish just because of my last name, or the Asians can fluently speak in other languages. Many times we can, but most of the time, we don't appreciate it. We're us, and you're you. Let us coexist in modern society please!"

I don't see anything wrong with someone assuming you speak Spanish or that I speak Japanese and mandarine. It actually makes sense logically. And I have no idea what "We don't appreciate it" means since #1 it doesn't speak for all of us and #2 I cannot for the life of me figure out who as such a thin skin that something like that would offend them

[I-am-a-nobody]

I think atheists are just dogmatically stubborn.

From https://christianmystics.com/blog/peter-marshall/

“There are men and women in the world today who say that God orders their lives, guides them in making decisions, provides for their needs, answers their prayers, in ways which are often strange and unexpected. That is the testimony of my own experience, and there are many here who could make the same statement; but, if you, yourself, have not had the experience in your life, don’t be too quick to jump to the conclusion that we who say these things are daft, mad. In that mood, many of us approach spiritual things. We come, like Thomas, not doubting, but dogmatically refusing to believe unless we see, as if we could pour God into a test tube, as if intangibles had to become tangible in order to prove that they were intangible. There are certain things that must be approached in faith, things that are matters of perception, not of proof.

“‘Beauty’ is one of them.

“How can you prove that anything is beautiful? Could you demonstrate to me, by logic, or reason, or by intellect, that the Fifth Symphony, or the Moonlight Sonata, was sheer beauty?

“Can you prove, by any method of intellect, why a sunset is beautiful?

“Describe to me, scientifically, the haunting, wistful fragrance of a bunch of violets.

“Yet, you come here professing the faith which, for more than nineteen centuries, has borne witness to spiritual realities, and you ask if one can prove that God exists. You ask me to prove it! How could my tiny mind prove God? What kind of a God could my little mind prove? You might as well ask the bird to prove the air in which it flies, or the minnow to prove the sea in which it swims.

“Let me ask you to prove that you exist. I’d be interested in hearing you try.

“There are mysteries all around us, stirring, wonderful, inexplicable.

“Take, for example, the strange phenomenon of falling in love.
...
“Love, like beauty, like the haunting, wistful fragrance of violets, is a matter of perception and experience, not of proof. The great things by which we really live are not proven by logic, but by life; and, as that is true of love and beauty, so it is true of finding God and learning how close He stands to us.”

- Peter Marshall, A Man Called Peter. (movie excerpt)

[1truekhaleesi]

I officially became atheist about a year after years of questioning my Christian faith. I've considered writing a my take on why I left the Christian faith. I haven't really told anyone even people I trust, because I'm just not open about my religion. I have been careful to not trll my family. Like when the topic of politics comes up, I don't take the bait. If any family members asked me about my religion I would start questioning them. Like ask them why they need to know which will probably make them more suspicious. I don't think I am oppressed, just as long as I don't mention my religion. I don't think we will have an openly atheist president for years because some people won't vote for that person simply because they're atheist. And of course, some people will think I have zero morals simply because I am atheist. If that's the worst of the worst, than I have nothing to be worried about. That's way better treatment than trans people get. It blows my mind that people judge other people on factors that have nothing to do with the persons character.

[Lopezz1999]

I agree, and you should definitely stay hidden. Your technique for hiding is very good, I must say!

[sometimesilikecheese]

Me being an atheist.
My major problems with people who are religious:
• If you are talking to a religious person and they and they ask how can you be moral without believing in a god. That is like saying why do oranges taste good if it is cold in winter, they don’t correlate at all. The three rules I live by.
1. I don’t want to be hurt physically, so I won’t do that to other people
2. I don’t want my property stolen, so I don’t do that to other people
3. I don’t want my property damaged, so I don’t do that to other people
That is about as moral as I need to be. If you need a book to tell you what is right and what is wrong then you are an idiotic psychopath. I say physically hurt me because I believe in unhindered free speech and there is nothing that anyone can say to hurt me.
• If god created everything, then that means god created hell and if god created hell then he is as much an asshole as he is a good guy. So I believe that if there is a heaven then everyone and everything will go there.
• If you say that your religion is the one true faith then what about all the other people that died before your religion existed this is just proof that religion is something created by humans to exploit other humans.

[fauchelevent]

My parents don't know that I'm bi. Unless I get a girlfriend and have to be open with my parents, it's certainly something that I'm going to keep to myself. If I tell them, there's like a 95% chance that I'm going to lose them, they've been very clear about how they disapprove of anyone who isn't straight :P It sucks but it's nice to see advice being like 'don't come out' rather than the expectation on us always to come out, as if there's a requirement to tell your parents something so private. It's good to see people's advice being more realistic, I guess! :P

[Lopezz1999]

Aha you're parents don't seem to like the idea of being bi 😂. Yeah, I'd definitely agree with that.. stay in the closet! I'm lucky my parents didn't kick me out of the house, but then again, I'm only 17 lol

[randomhobo]

I don't think atheists are the most hated in america at all. Trans people seem to have it far worse.

But families need to basically start accepting each other. You're supposed to support each other, not throw others away for not suiting you're stupid worldview of intolerance.

[Lopezz1999]

Oh, trans people definitely have it bad, especially because people fear them so much. I agree here.

[ty420]

I think that some people are over dramatic when it comes to expressing their identity. Yes, there are many people who aren't accepting of gays or bisexuals, but that's really all. People talk as if being a certain race or being an atheist (really?) is a struggle, and then immediately have people say how they support them and how society is cruel. I have a bisexual friend, and I'm completely cool with him, and that's because he doesn't complain constantly about how being bisexual is a struggle.

[Lopezz1999]

I definitely agree, as another guy pointed out before. We already know it's not a big deal for being gay or atheist, it's just that they believe that those they want to tell will make a big deal out of it, making it a struggle to tell.

[IEat70sBush]

I never have given a shit what society has thought, society can kiss my ass if they don't like that I'm atheist. I love it when I get these little pamphlets on the buss that state Jesus died for my sins blah blah blah from these odl ladies and I give it back to them and say "Sorry, I'm atheist. Try that on someone more gullible and desperate for a mental crutch to get through life." The resulting looks of shock, horror and disgust on their faces are priceless. I really need to start taking my camera with me.

As far as moral/ethical those are 2 things I never claimed to be, even back when I was a kid that thought God was real (along with the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Peter Pan, Santa Clause, etc). People can assume it's because I'm an atheist if they like. One has nothing to do with the other in my case (even as a kid I just assumed I was going to be saved from hell while just embracing being unethical and immoral, since Jesus died for my sins anyway right?).

[Rissyanne]

My brother is gay... I have no problem with him being gay. But he is very in your face with his politics. He even took to facebook and name called the family around the election. The family never did anything like that to him. Now we dont speak.

[Lopezz1999]

Poor guy.. sorry that happened to him. Is he doing alright?

[Rissyanne]

There is nothing wrong with him. He is the one that is the asshole. He shouldn't have gone on facebook talking shit about the family. I am not speaking to him till he apologizes.

[Lopezz1999]

Oh.. sorry, I read that wrong. Yeah, that is pretty messed up. I agree.

[None12am]

You know, religion is not all bad. I've actually had the opposite experience. When I was younger, I went to an all-white school and was atheist. I then ended up being sent to a Christian school, which had many black and Asian students, and where the staff were very open-minded and accepting of homosexuality and abortion. I didn't find religion at all oppressive, and I got to mingle with many minority pupils, and began to believe in God. Today I am a Christian, and I felt more comfort among those Christians than I ever have in my entire life. Religion can be such a good thing, and it really saddens me how people are so negative towards it nowadays.

[Sloane]

As an Atheist living in a primarily Christian household, yes I had to "come out". So one day I finally bite the bullet and told them, they took it a lot better than I thought they would and they still respect my beliefs and I respect theirs to this day. It's not a problem unless someone makes it a problem.

[Lopezz1999]

I agree! Glad they took it well.

[reixun]

well said, pal!

i'm in the same boat as you with religion, i don't bother discussing it with acquaintances though since it's a dangerous topic

[JapanFreak2323]

I didn't know there was a snapchat filter that made your forehead big :P

[JapanFreak2323]

Oops my bad I thought you were someone else :P

[Lopezz1999]

@JapanFreak2323 lol..

[reixun]

@JapanFreak2323 damnn :o who did u think i was

[JapanFreak2323]

You looked like this other girl who also has a big forehead sorry

[JhonnyMA]

I am atheist and Bi, but I only told my family the atheist part (It's my first time dating a guy, so I didn't had a chance yet) i believe that if you think someone will not understand, it's not worthy telling him, I have the habit to avoid conflict so...

[Waffles731]

none of my family knows that I'm a pagan, I plan on keeping it that way, so I can relate

[Lopezz1999]

Very nice. I assume you've grown up in a Christian family as well?

[Waffles731]

not really, but certain parts of my extended family are and might flip

[Chief16]

@Waffles731 Pagan? You still believe in god?

[Waffles731]

@Chief16 yeah

[Waffles731]

@Chief16 I don't judge anyone for lack of belief though, as long as a person acts decent towards others their okay with me. I fully believe you can be a decent person without religion

[Chief16]

@Waffles731 of course, religion has caused more violence than it has kept peace. Very few can differentiate between believing in god and following a religion. Good on you.

[Waffles731]

@Chief16 Yeah, I always try to tell people that there is a difference between organized religion and having personal beliefs, the former is generally just dogma

[Rykat13]

I'm an atheist bisexual who's growing up in a Christian household and I'm scared to come out as gay but there's a girl I actually really want to go out with. I don't know what to do, she wants to go with me too but she lives 45 minutes away from me. Both of my parents voted for Trump and so did my extended family, I don't think I'm safe to come out at home. I'm very openly gay every where else but I want to not have to hide in a closet anymore.

[Lopezz1999]

Well it depends on how likely your parents are to accept you being who you really are. Do they seem like close minded individuals?

[Rykat13]

My mom's pretty open-minded, sometimes my dad is but other times he uses slurs like dyke and fag.

[Lopezz1999]

If that's the case, you're still likely to face some tears, but nothing too dramatic. Still it's your choice, and can still be a risky move. Think about it first.

[Anonymous]

Lol life is so tough being an atheist gay Latino because then rascist religious types want to learn about my culture, speak Spanish with me and learn about atheism.
I dunno dude sounds like you crave victim status, these are really first world problems. The world is not black and white maybe you should visit the middle East and parts of Africa to see what happens to you.

[ASEXY]

I only come out to those I know I can trust. In real life, I avoid telling personal information about myself to people who I don't care about. I do that to avoid fights.

[Lopezz1999]

Wise choice my man.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to be honest i'm a closet bisexual because of the new trend about bisexuality that is happening. I can't count how many people I've tried to sleep with that were not gay/bi but told me they are.

I'm not having sex anymore because of that.

[Blitzkrieger]

i just want to say that i am also atheist and i have ADHD. i never needed to come out for anything. i am just a guy there is no need to come out of the closet because you are different. thats just bullshit. this coming out of the closet attitude is ridiculous. its making a big drama out of nothing. you aren't special because you deviate from the rest of your household or society for that matter. what you talk about are just non-issues.

[Lopezz1999]

If something isn't special because it is diverse and differentiated, then what is?