I can't remember the last time somebody told me they loved me and meant it. I can't remember the last time I felt safe in my own house. I hate the weekends because there's no school and I know she'll be home. Waiting. Watching. She knows everything that goes on and makes it my fault when it's hers. She thinks I think she's stupid but I know she's not. I just wish she was.
It's been months since she hit me but her words cut just as deep, and the bruises that no longer show keep reapearing with every insult, every blow to my pride and will. I can't talk to my mum. My dad let's her get away with it and my friends support her. They say I'm lucky to have her.
But they don't have to live with her. They don't have to worry about the mood she'll be in when they get home, they just worry about what food is in the fridge and whether it's a new show or just a Neighbours re-run. They aren't afraid to be near her.
I didn't know she wasn't normal for the longest of times, then I told a friends mum why I couldn't come over and she said that it was wrong. What she was doing was wrong. I didn't know. I didn't believe it, so ignored the woman on the phone.
I never liked her. Yet at the same time I love her, even with everything else.
Emotional abuse is the kind of hurt people tend to ignore. They say you have no bruises, so everything must be fine. Nothing is wrong, you're just complaining about nothing and need to get over yourself.
But it's not true. Emotional abuse is something that happens to 1 in 3 women and can be just as damaging, if not more. 1 in 3 of all victims are male.
From a young age I have been a victim of emotional or psychological abuse. My step mother was the abuser, and she dished out the treatment to my older brother and my father just as much as she did to me. In fact, I'm the only one who saw it and managed to leave. The two main males in my life are both there, and I can't do a thing about it. Why? Because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid of the woman who raised me. The last time I saw her, she showed up at my new school unanounced and on the way to see her, the moment I realised she was there I panicked. I suffered an anxiety attack, and the teacher who had walked me to the room apologised profusely once my stepmother was gone. Nobody knows to the full extent what kind of damage that woman did to me.
She made me feel worthless. Any bruise she might have given me, even if it's the beatings I can't remember, I prefer over the way she screwed with my head. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I was never good enough.
She tels me what to do through my father, because she knows I would only hang up on her now that I'm away, but I would never hang up on Dad. So she tells me what to do through him and whenever I'm on the phone to him, you can hear her in the background, telling him what to say.
I'm not very good at life. I can't make decisions on my own and I don't know how to say no. I know it's because of her. Because I never had a say in anything when I was with her. I had no say in what's for dinner, no say in what classes I took, no say in what I wore or how I had my hair.
No say in anything that had to do with me and nothing to do with her. I couldn't even listen to what music I had, even though I had a CD player, I couldn't listen to it. I was always too afraid to attract her attention.
Emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical abuse. It messes with your head and tends to be more long term. You feel worthless, disgusting, small and ugly. You feel like there is no reason to like you, there is nothing about you that would appeal to anyone. You are nothing.
So you stay with the people making you feel this way, because they're the only one who cares. The only one who would put up with your worthless self. It's not true, but they make you think it is.
So many people say that they will never end up like that. Allowing somebody to strip away their pride so completely. But they will. It isn't a sudden thing that you can see happening, it's quiet and subtle. Like a snake stalking a mouse, you don't see it until it's too late and you're sucked in.
Signs You’re In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- You often feel afraid of your partner.
- You avoid certain topics for fear of angering your partner.
- You feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner.
- You believe you deserve to be mistreated.
- You wonder if you’re crazy.
- You feel emotionally numb or helpless.
- Your partner yells at you or humiliates you.
- Your partner criticizes you and puts you down.
- Your partner treats you so badly that you’re embarrassed that your friends or family might see it.
- Your partner ignores or mocks your opinions or accomplishments.
- Your partner blames you for his or her own abusive behavior.
- Your partner sees you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person.
- Your partner is jealous and possessive.
- Your partner controls where you go or what you do.
- Your partner keeps you from seeing your friends or family.
- Your partner limits your access to money, the phone, or the car.
- Your partner constantly checks up on you.
From HelpGuide.org
If anyone ever needs to talk to somebody about anything.
www.kidshelp.com.au
www.sane.org/information/helpline
www.lifeline.org.au
(sorry, google doesn't seem to want to give me anything but Aussie help lines.)
My inbox is always open and I'm always happy to chat and give whatever advice I can.
I hope everyone is well and for anyone who recognises any of the above signs, my advice is to get out of there as quickly and safely as you can. Tell someone.
I'm always open to talk.
Most Helpful Opinions