Do you think a person's past matters?

Question

I remember having this discussion with my friends and a lot of them seem pretty divided on the subject. Some of them said that the past should be the past, while others said it would be naive to ignore what a person has done because it is still a reflection of who they are (however small or large).

Honestly I can see both points. Many people I know have missed opportunities because they couldn't ignore a person's past. While on the other hand, I know people who chose to ignore the person's past, only to be in for a rude awakening later that the person never changed at all.

What do you think?

Bandit74 · Accepted Answer

Sure everyone has a past but not everyone has the same past. Some people’s pasts are more colorful that others. Should a person be judged based on their past? Judge just means to form an opinion after careful thought. It can be a decent predictor of future events and if not their past then what can you judge a person on? It’s also funny because judging isn’t inherently bad, you can form positive judgments about a person. However nobody ever complains about those, they can't get enough of them. They only start the “you can’t judge me” crusade when those judgments turn negative.

Should a person be written off because of events that happened in their past? People often discuss whether the past “should or shouldn’t” matter but I don’t think it’s a matter of should or shouldn’t, it’s does or doesn’t and that depends on the individual. I think its entirely up to the person assessing them if they want to give the person a chance and overlook their past. you're not entitled to a chance, you get whatever the other person, whether it be an employer or potential significant other, is willing to give you. If they are willing to overlook your past, great!. If not, well tough shit.
Specifically with dating, If two people are considering dating each other and neither of them cares about the others past then in this scenario, it doesn’t matter. However if two people are considering dating each other and one or both of them cares about the others past, then it does matter. The person who cares has every right to care, just like the person who doesn’t care, in fact I don’t really think it’s a conscious choice when someone feels uncomfortable about the other persons dating history. It’s just something they feel. One person may not care but who are they to tell someone else what they should/shouldn’t care about or what kind of criteria the other person is allowed to have?

Another thing is if the two people have severely mismatched pasts it could lead to problems for a variety of reasons. There are studies that show an inverse correlation between # of previous sexual partners and marriage stability so logically I don’t think its an unreasonable thing to consider. Just like I think it’s ideal when people of similar levels of intellect.

NearlyNapping · Accepted Answer

For the most part I don't think it matters unless it's recent enough to still be part of them. It's who they are now that matters, not how they got here. I can overlook an awful lot of things, especially if it was in the distant past.

I think it also makes a difference what kind of thing it is. Some things are mistakes, maybe something they did out of stupidity. Other things are part of who they are. For example I consider a thief to be a thief. In my experience with people who steal, it's a part of them, it's who they are - they are a thief. It's something inside them that rationalizes their actions, and they tend to be compulsive about it. If its a part of who they are. I'd be much more reluctant to trust them, unless it's been a very very long time.

I'm also not sure if I could ever trust a past child molester. I'd trust a past murderer far more easily than I'd trust a child molester.

A good example is a guy I used to work with. He had been in prison for 20 years for murder. I don't know the details of the murder. But I know he had been a heroin addict. He stole from people to get drug money. When I worked with him, I didn't feel even a little bit unsafe. I considered the murder something of his past, not part of who he was. But I did not consider the heroin addiction and thievery something of the past. Those things were who he was. I wasn't concerned about him harming me. But I was concerned about him stealing from me. As it turned out he did steal from me. It was just a part of him that I never trusted.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The past does matter. A person's actions give you clues as to their character. A guy with a history of infidelity is probably not going to be a good candidate for monogamy. That being said, people do make mistakes and you can't hold every little indiscretion against them. The trick is to judge what is a character flaw from what is a mistake. If you can figure that one out, and most of us struggle with it, you'll be much more successful in your relationships.

Alwaysthere85 · Accepted Answer

It depends. If the guy I'm seeing is an ex-con with a rap sheet long enough then it matters. I don't want to date a pedophile, sex offender or murderer.

If he was married, had sex with 200 women or anything like that... it's interesting to know but I'm not about judge him or leave him.

It really just depends what the context is...

CHARismatic110 · Accepted Answer

I'm somewhere in between. I think it matters to a certain extent but it shouldn't be the focus of a relationship. Certain things should be taken into consideration and then if it's decided that the other person is ok with the past, it should be left alone.

RedThread · Answer

If someone cheated in the past that would be a red flag for me. When it comes to sexual partners in general I really don't care that much as long as she was safe and responsible. If the number was astronomically high I'd probably wonder if we view sex the same way though.. But I have a lot of leeway when it comes to people's pasts. I know everyone can change and people can grow as human beings.

I voted C.

Mysterio421 · Answer

The past is important. You see, if you don't learn from your past and admit to the wrong, you won't develop and improve. Not only that but your MORE likely to repeat it. People who say that the past is the past are only deluding themselves. Do they need to tell their partners, well that's their business. Someone's history can tell a lot about that person. in my opinion, of someone is very defensive or sneaky when it comes to being honest then it's not worth the time. I am a very blunt guy. I say things the way they are. Politically correct or not.

DodgersGM · Answer

I know this is kind of a cop-out, but it's how I really feel: basically, it depends on how "bad" of an impression their past has on me.

Take, for example, a girl who's had a myriad of casual sex partners in her past. That would be a problem for me, mainly because I'd have a hard time trusting that we see sex the same way. But if the same girl had, say, one or two casual hookups in her past, I don't feel like that'd be a dealbreaker for me. So it really just boils down to severity.

abundantlyrich · Answer

The past shouldn't be of relevance if they have turned over a new leaf. Few people lead a big transformation or learn mistakes from the past.

KRIEL55 · Answer

i think it definitely does matter. i HAAATE when people are like "its my past though" even though they clearly haven't even changed and the bad things they did were like barely a year ago. and even if it wass years ago, if they killed someone, i dont want to be around them. or if they had sex with like 30 people, nope! never happening

LoveLikeRockets · Answer

People can run from their pasts, try and hide and conceal their pasts but their pasts have inevitably shaped who they are today. I lay all of my cards out on the table and I am not proud of some of the things I've done in the past but I've learned from my mistakes and I am happy to share those mistakes with others, so they can not make the mistakes I've made.

ZionOrtov · Answer

Those who understand history and can reflect on the present will be able to make a basis for reason when it comes to people, that is why we judge them not on their past but for whom they are today, are you as childish as you were when you were a child? No, people change, either with rehabilitation or through experience.

Drednaught · Answer

Okay, two things to consider.
1. The past is important because it's the combination of all the events that happened which makes people who they are.
2. The past does not determine the future of a persons life.

So what I gather from these facts is that yes, we should be wary of what people have done in the past because they may not have learned from some of their mistakes in their life, however, we shouldn't deny them their future as well because of it.

asiag299 · Answer

The pat matters to me especially if I know that it will somehow affect our relationship. I want to know about who you were before you met me as I feel that it gives me more insight on their character. I also readily share my past as it doesn't bother me to,

truthhammer · Answer

the past determines the future often. your habits form physical neuro paths in your brain.

its hard work and stressful to change it and ususally happens through brokeness which can lead to a reform/evolution.

most people do not allow this breaking point to happen. they distract themselves or just have other options.

Kingfrosty · Answer

Slowly over the year i have 2 say no i have met girls that where slut partied there ass off , and know they are a normal women that a man would be willing 2 marry. But if you looked at them you would never think there past would be of that kind of nature same with the other way around

Niello · Answer

I believe that a person shouldn't be condemned because of their past, who is to say that is the same person today? You can't predict the future.

What do you suggest? Anyone that has any minor criminal infraction whatsoever can't get a job or a place to live anywhere because of their past, I don't think that's right.

AleDeEurope · Answer

It definitely does. The past is what brought you where you are right now, it's what made us meet, so yeah, of course it matters. It doesn't define you 100%, cause you can always change, but still, it matters.

lumos · Answer

It highly depends on the past and how immoral I find it. So it's subjective.

AzureGirl · Answer

I believe the past matters but it shouldn't be dwelled upon. It should be looked back on and learned from, not something that hinders us from the present or future.

ThisDudeHere · Answer

Yes of course. It is both naive and stupid to ignore the past. The past is what makes a person. Ignoring it is like ignoring a person's gender when you want to write a description about them. It matters.

Jmarx · Answer

Of course it matters. A persons past gives a lot of insight into who a person actually is not who they're pretending to be. Also Laplace once said that if you know a persons past you xan predict their future

allahu_snackbar · Answer

If I was being idealistic I'd say it doesn't matter, but realistically I think that more often than not- the past is a good reference to look at. Sometimes you make a judgment based on the past and get proven wrong, so be it.

Ihav2fart · Answer

To me it matters to a certain extent. The past does help us shape who we are today but it does depends how it has shaped us

Anonymous · Answer

I don't think so, sure the past helps shape a person today but it doesn't define them and everyone has a past, everyone makes mistakes, me too and so because I've made mistakes and done things I am not proud about I don't have any moral grounds to hold someone's past against them. I don't have any right to judge. As long as they have learned from their past and haven't let their past define them, then that's all that matters to me.

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