Ugly duckling syndrome?

Question

Hi All,

Here is another thing that has been on my mind.

As most people (as controversial as it is) know, people who are beautiful are either stuck up, snobby, arrogant, have high and unrealistic standards. Not all, but most.

Here is some background of me, I was young fat and ugly. Though very kind, funny and nice. and of coarse not popular with the ladies for certain unknown reasons at the time.

a few years later, ugly fat boy grown up into a handsome, funny, polite, smart gentleman.

The problem is, I predicted that when I would change, womens perception of me would change. which it did.

now that I have changed I find it difficult to meet women cause I don't know if they like me for who I am or is it how I look or what I have.

The question is, has anyone been in a similar position ? Thoughts /comments guys/girls ?

Belleza · Accepted Answer

mmh, interesting yea we all go through this well some of us well, I can tell you for sure that - ok I admit I was in the same position as you well still am probably because of the things that went on in my life but as a child I was thin as hell, growing up became a beautiful swan, then turned into an ugly duckling then went back to a beautiful swan and now again going back to ugly duckling although still controlling myself from turning into an ugly duckling again! But the point to this is that we all notice the physical appearance first so yes we all compete with each other in maintaining our looks and high standards and picking someone who's a trophy and in some cases not a lot of us that are willing to admit pick someone who lacks er nice looks!

But to answer your question most of us will find it hard to find someone who's actually into us for us not into our looks and that's one of the most hardest things of all! I mean I can tell you this for sure when I was a swan (referring to the ugly duck syndrome from your previous comment) every guy looked my way and a lot actually gave me compliments and even asked me out but as soon as I turned into an ugly duckling guys wouldn't even look once at me and notice not saying twice and I wasn't even that big (I'm only talking about 140 pounds and plus I'm thin - boned) yea living in NY certainly gives a lot of guys the idea for a girl to look like a stick but yes to find someone who's into us for us is the hardest conquest of all!

But what can I say if we have the modeling industry selling and stating facts that girls should all be sticks - young ones especially that it's good for them to look like sticks and men actually encouraging a lot of women to actually look like that - I know a girl who has a weight problem - now her problem cannot be compared to anyone else I know because she's actually suffering from maintaining her normal weight meaning she can't lose weight even if she wants to because her body is not allowing it - her glands are too big and it looks like she's pregnant and a lot of people actually ask her that (including myself) but when she actually explained the problem I felt really bad for her cause a lot of us judge people based on their looks and not realizing that they may have these kind of problems!

So what can I say to your question - I really can't say anything because we are all only human and its in our nature to judge and base looks on personality!

wildd · Accepted Answer

Yes! You and I are like on the same freakin' page! I use to be fat and chubby when I was younger. Not anymore, I am actually toned/athletic now and taller ( got into fitness sports, made it happen) - in whole, I am good looking at this point (NOT BRAGGING AT ALL - JUST SAYING). And f*** yea peoples perspectives changed. The guy that never noticed me before now wants to "chill out" . It bother be for the fact that why now? you know? And its actually pretty funny to think that this has guy no idea. It makes me feel that much more assured on the fact that looks are a big deal. I have got a great personality - the same great personality I had when I was younger being not so physically appealing. Of course personality is a big thing in relationships but looks are your first impression on people (no matter how many people turn around and disagree).

I hate it because why shouldn't someone like me because I am funny? I'd rather have a guy compliment me on my personality then a guy complimenting me on the way I look any day. But, I have learned to accept the fact that you can't really change people but only yourself and I am okay with that. I have had some let down from guys because my personality became an overruling option because woa shit I must have been felt pretty easy to them through my looks. Seriously though, now that I am no longer fat/chubby - guys check me out and whatnot. I get called stuff like "hot" and "sexy" -- which I find hard to accept because I never really got that before! But no matter how I look, I'm still gonna be the same damn person. So, I'm always wondering whether the guy is here for a good convo OR something else. It's complicated and apparently not something I am good at figuring out.

But anyhow, to answer your question - yea I share your experience.

redheadbabygirl · Accepted Answer

I know this is a really old question, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to share!

When I was a kid/preteen, I was pretty darn ugly. I wasn't hugely overweight, but I was somewhat chubby, had gappy teeth, freckles, and didn't know how to carry myself.

Thankfully I've outgrown/overcome all that by taking dance and puberty taking its full course. It's not a memory that I'm particuarly fond of!

I think that people who "start out as not-so-attractive" DO tend to be humbler, and more in tune the the people around them, regardless of how they look when they're past the "ugly duckling" stage.

I've actually noticed a similar pattern among teenage guys in regards to height. The ones who "have always been tall" ACT like tall guys, (macho, egoistical, etc.) even if they stop growing early and wind up short. The guys who were short throughout middle school and then suddenly shot up in high school tend to have "short guy" personality characteristics (humility, etc.), even though they're taller than all their friends.

Fortunately, I'm fairly unscarred, but that could be a possible downside of the "ugly duckling turned swan."

I guess it goes to show that things DO even out in this world!

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well I can say ever since a little kid girls always use to tell me I was ugly I never could get a girl friend I was call names  and since I got older I've had a few girl friends that eventually left me for some one else and now am 33 single no kids no woman and the f*** up part about it I trie talking to a female not to long ago and she straight up told me that I was ugly and what made me think I had a chance at talking to her its f*** up but that's life another thing that's f*** up I go out with my friend and all the chicks always talk to him or if a conversation strikes up is like when I say something is not inportant but when he say something they all ears life really sucks for me it has coss me  to live a regular life am afraid to step to females cause being call ungly is one thing but knowing you're ugly and having to admit it withing you're self is horrible I honestly beg god to take me every night while a lot of people thank him for another day

dasouthernicon · Accepted Answer

I have... and it's funny how shallow people really are. It's insane... they wouldn't look atya because you don't meet some 'standard' of looks and whatnot, but when you end up having looks, brains, etc... then they wanna get with you... I was short, stuttered, and looked funny (not ha-ha funny) in my youth.. And I see the reaction people (esp the ladies) give me wen they see me... It's ridiculous... then again, it's the stuf of life. Never judge a book by its cover...

tammymac · Answer

Exactly the same situation, as a child and young adult I was always over weight. Then I started working out and killing myself to loose the weight. When I had lost the weight I found that all these people who would never give me the time of day before were all friendly with me. I have a policy if they would not talk to me before, I will not waste much time on them today. I live in a small town and I've lived here for the past 30 years. I'll be nice ( I've always been nice) and I'm polite but I won't date anyone who dissed me before. As a result of the small town thing and not settling for someone who couldn't handle the real me, I'm still single.

I've found the best way to find out what people are all about is watch how they treat the people they don't know, as apposed to you or their friends. If you want to know if a woman is a bitch watch how she treats the waitress when your out, or listen to how she talks about the other people who are out. The last thing you want is someone who is intolerable of other peoples flaws.

hotmama · Answer

I posted a similar question a few days ago.

I was also not attractive in high school and got zero attention from guys. Now, at 41, I get more attention than ever before - from guys in their mid-20s and up (though I've been told often by men and women that I look 10 years younger). This is how I know I am now pretty because I still find it hard to see that.

Anyway, as much as I like getting checked out - at least not in a creepy or gross way - I generally assume guys are just into me for my body. Unfortunately, this is often the case. I am outgoing and friendly, so I will talk to guys, but if a guy asks for my number w/o even talking to me for 15 mins, I'm not interested.

I've found the way to get around this is for me to choose who I talk to. I think a lot of the good guys and girls will not come up to someone they think is good looking because they figure you're already taken or wont' be interested. It's often the overconfident player-types.

Enjoy your good looks! You're the whole package, which isn't easy to find.

Anonymous · Answer

that is so me. I used to get picked on all the time from elem. to high school. I was teased constantly because of my frizzy hair, my parents were poor so I couldn't wear the "cool" clothes, I was shy so I didn't have many friends, I was very underweight, and I was really smart.

now I blossomed into my looks and I am considered to be very beautiful. I only became "beautiful" recently so I still am having trouble adjusting because while everyone else sees some dime piece (not my words!), I still see the nerdy shy girl looking for approval.

it's funny because people always tell me how great my personality and brains are. I guess they assume that because of my current looks, I can't be a good person.but I am the same person I was back then but people didn't compliment me!

i would be lying if I said I wasnt a little bitter. I still live in my hometown and its funny how the same guys who used to call me ugly, walking disaster, and other mean names are dang near stalking me when they see me! I do throw my looks in their faces (the ones that were mean to me) because I feel like I want to hurt them like they hurt me. I know they haven't changed and are still shallow, but then again I realize that I don't need to be mean either.

joiedevivre · Answer

I don't know if I'm in a similar situation or approaching it, but I feel you should be accepting of the flattering flirtations towards you - and this may take a while, but weed out the shallow girls who only want you for your looks, and couldn't give a penny about your personality - let alone your intelligence. You should maybe go out of your way to get to know people whom you are meeting romantically, and sometimes you can find the signs clearly.

I also feel that if a girl approaches you because of your appearance you should not blow her off entirely in the first few seconds without letting her see a little bit more of you, talking and personality wise, it may be that she will be delighted and surprised at what a wonderful gentleman you are! And if she had the guts to actually walk up to a good looking guy, and strike a conversation - chances are she might not be so shallow. Girls who walk over and get all over you however . . . well, you know.

I don't feel you actually need any of this advice, you may have thought of it, or heard it before. But I feel that you should be reminded of it. And of this: that sadly in our society, first appearances are what matter most - being among the elite, this means that girls will put your high on their list, and as more girls hit on you, there will be those few who not many really want to be in a relationship with. I'm not sure how much sense that actually made. If you hold out, you will find those special girls though. I'm sure of it.

sleepless · Answer

I was an ugly duckling too, and started blossoming in fits and starts. I didn't really achieve "swan" status until 2 years ago. I'm still not used to it, and I'm still shy and awkward, except when I drink. I was taller than everyone in the class, had really crooked teeth and then braces, and went through puberty way too early, before I wanted to even care about primping, and became really chunky. Now the weight's come off and it seems like everything's fallen into place. I remember back when my boyfriend standards were so low, now I know exactly what you mean about whether people like you for the real you, or just for your looks. Actually for a while I was dating guys that I didn't find attractive, but who I liked enough for their traits, funny, smart, etc. It took me a while to finally convince myself I was attractive enough for someone with a good personality that I found mutually attractive. But I don't mind an overweight body at all, I just need a face that I personally find attractive but most importantly honest personality. So at least ugly duckling syndrome leads you to good relationship choices, I think.

I find it very hard to come out of my shell still. I think people think I'm snobby because of it. When I confess to being shy, people will say something along the lines of "why on earth would you be shy, you're beautiful!". But I guess I'm so used to trying not to draw extra attention to myself.

Anyway thanks for reading. Good luck. My advice in the end about meeting women is, go with your gut, and go for the girl who is honest. Chances are it'll be another ugly duckling !

suesnagglepuss · Answer

ooh good question! I used to be overweight but at 16 lost 4 stone (a third of my bodyweight then!) and as you reported I did get a lot more attention. recently I dyed my hair blonde and I'm not gonna blow my own trumpet but I now get a ridiculous amount of attention from guys even when I'm in the gym with no makeup on or in the shop in my tracksuit bottoms. however I don't think its totally because of the way I look-its confidence. that's the most attractive thing a person can have. I have found that people who have always been beautiful do tend to be snobby or up themselves but those who changed tend to appreciate the way they look more and accept people for who they are because they can relate to everyone. Personally no matter how good looking a guy was if he loved himself too much I could never love him.

LoveDoctor · Answer

Wow! Great Question! Back in Middle School & High School I used to be really really skinny with glasses and braces. I was extremely shy and had a very low self esteem. I felt ugly! And lots of guys used to make fun of me all the time! I sometimes look at those pictures and I feel like burning all of them! LOL! I was just so weird looking!

I went to my 10 year high school reunion last year and NOBODY recognized me! They couldn't believe how different I looked! Everybody was in shock! All the guys that used to tease me were amazed! And you know what's so funny and ironic, all of the girls that used to be popular back in the days are now either fat or less attractive than me! My high school reunion was the best time of life!

Check out my photo inside! I wish I had a photo back then on my computer so you can see the huge difference!

jessi02 · Answer

I also was the ugly duckling and grew into a swan..now do part time modeling...I felt the same way...I was skinny and flat chested(the guys used to call me cardboard)not that I'm that much bigger now but now I have to beat them away with a stick.At first I didn't know how to react..then I dated a few and they weren't in it for me.Now it's easier to determine by just taking the time to find out by hanging out with those people/person and you'll find out the intentions of them.I am one of those people that don't take compliments well...unless they are NOT saying something about the way I look...then I know it's not because I'm pretty and because they like who I am.

TrustBex · Answer

Is there really an "Ugly Duckling Complex"? Why is this phasing you? The ugly duckling complex is given to someone with a lot of anger stored inside for being treated so bad they've turned themselves around motivated by revenge to prove a point. Usually these people end up being mean to everyone cause they feel entitled to respect.The stupid thing is mean kids do change into normal adults, and the very few that don't are often sheltered, held back, and forgotten.

If you changed for yourself and still very humble about who you are this complex doesn't apply to you, and shouldn't stop you from dating the right person. If you know what your looking for you'll find it. For every pretty snob there's a very pretty down to earth girl.You can choose whoever you want to hang out with, associate, etc. as long as you don't lose your identity.

flowerbeauty21 · Answer

This society is based on looks and how well they work those looks!

Personally I dislike it at all, you have to look a certain way just to be glances at (I don't know why that is) but its pathetic.

I was never fat, but guys look at me like a piece of meat. I hate it, its disgusting and perverted (in my opinion). Some girls like that attention. I've met someone who wasnt good looking at all, I really liked his personality (and trust me this guy was not Brad Pitt). I liked him for him, well lets just say he didn't like me when I began to like him. He used to like me. (*weird).

But other than that, yes people do look at you more now since you look sexy or good! whatever the word is. Nobody looks at fat person, people like to see what they media shows them and you can't do anything about that. Which suxs! =[

Anonymous · Answer

You are the male me! As a kid up right till college I was the fat girl and no guy ever dated me. Now that I lost the weight I'm considered beautiful and get checked out all the time. My problem is that since my whole life I was fat and ugly now I find it hard to believe that any guy really likes me so I'm still single and have no idea how to meet a good guy. I just don't take it serious when a guy approaches me or the wrong type of guy approaches me. I'm still working on getting over this 'ugly duckling syndrome'.  I mean, I look in the mirror and sometimes I knock myself out.like wow is that really me, damn, I'm effing hot! but still I don't know how to carry myself around guys in this new skin. It's hard.

Jessica32 · Answer

I'm pretty damn overweight. And I'm almost afraid of this happening. I'm also lazy and don't want to change, but at the same time, want to loose weight more than anything.

Hmmmm. I figure, if somebody likes me now, the way I am, then they are one of the only people that would deserve me when I lost weight. Like. Take it or leave it. If you don't like me, whatever, I don't care. But if you do, then you deserve to be with me when I am hot as f*** haha.

cheerclover27 · Answer

in my freshman year of high school, I think I had a guy repellent. haha. but now as I'm (kind of) older, all my friends are guys. I got lucky because all these guys I hang out with didn't know me during the earlier years, so I know they like me for me, and not just what I changed into. But it's a fact of life that people are attracted to beauty, and of course they'll be more attracted to you now, it may be shallow, but its truee (:

Lizabitch · Answer

yes I'm a girl, and when I was in highschool, I was a plain jane with glasses, zits, baggy clothes, and a double chin. needless to say, no one was lining up at my door to take me out on a date. 3 and some odd months later, I lost some weight, started wearing makeup, and dressed better. after that, I definitely started getting noticed more by the opposite sex. I also got my first boyfriend.

i don't know if the way men or even women perceived me has changed but, they're more prone to talking to me voluntarily now that I'm prettier.

Anonymous · Answer

i have to say I used to be pretty and skinny but now I'm chubby so I'm horrible now:(

but when guys flirt or whatever with me I always put my guard up as I think the must be joking!

and I have a friend my best friend at that who used to be fat and ugly and now is gorgeous and thin but she's turned into a bitch now she thinks she's better than everyone else and that she's gods gift and use her looks to get guys to buy her things!

Anonymous · Answer

yeah. in highschool, I wasn't popular, no guy asked me out because I wasn't pretty like other girls, I was average, I didn't have the right clothes, I was quiet, I was always reading, always working, I sucked at talking to guys.

now I'm more attractive, less fattier than before, right clothes, a little more out going so I attract guys. I find it very annoying.

johari · Answer

Ugly duckling that turned beautiful tend to be more nice & down to earth because they still have that old mind set. Since they aren't too aware of their looks they don't get full of themselves

LittlePrincess94 · Answer

holly sh*t all girls only talk about them and don't give you solutions

ShawnMHeide · Answer

looks matter... end of story

Ugly duckling syndrome?

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