My White American Boyfriend doesn't want to be a part of my culture, White Male Guilt?

[Anonymous]

I'm a Japanese girl and my boyfriend is white and we live in the USA. First let me say my boyfriend is actually a very sweet man and he's always there for me and sacrifices a lot. He truly cares.

I noticed that when we started dating my boyfriend always avoided cultural related topics. If I brought up my Japanese heritage he would avoid it. When we go out to eat he avoids going anywhere Asian. When I tried to get him into anime he didn't want to. During sex I was trying to be freaky and thought speaking to him in Japanese and dress in anime cosplay so I would turn him on. He told me to stop and we didn't have sex that night. I asked him to go cosplaying with me to comic-con, he didn't want to do. When I tried to teach him my language he didn't want to learn.

One day I asked him and really demanded an answer from him on why he is like this. He kinda got upset and said - "You know why I don't like talking about your culture, interacting about your culture, learning about your culture? Because I've seen how many Asians treat white men when it comes to their culture, white men have yellow fever, they fetishize Asian culture, they are weaboos, asian-wannabes and what not, cultural appropriation, I'm sorry but I've seen too many white men get demonized and shit on for getting into Asian stuff, I rather not touch that culture even with a stick and keep to my own, I don't want to white splane or do something racist or appropriate anything or disrespect anything, I'm with you because of the person you are and your personality, I'm not with you because of your race or culture so I have no interest in that"

It really hurt me that he said this. I mean I guess I understand this white guilt he feels but at the same time my culture and race is a part of me and for him not to want to show interest in it and to not want to be a part of it makes me feel bad. I take interest in his white-americas heritage, his Italian/texas heritage. His culture and food.

Updates

+1 y

What are your thoughts?

[Piluex]

And this, kids, is why we should kill all SJW, now people don't even want to know about their partner's heritage because of fear, good thing I don't live in the USA (where a lot of them are) so people isn't like that here. I feel bad about this, I think your boyfriend is in the wrong here, even tough I understand where he's coming from, he's making you feel bad by not wanting to share your culture with you (also I'd kill to be with an Asian girl willing to do the things you just mentioned, and he's refusing it! Wtf dude?). I think he should stop giving a shit about what others think and start to prioritize what his girlfriend think, maybe if he's too afraid, he doesn't really have to do it outloud on public dressed in a samurai suit or anything, but why should he denie to do things with you at home? Also I think he's going way too far with this, things like watching anime and going to the Comic-on aren't even a big deal, just a retard would call racism on it.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

I can't speak for white people, I'm a mixed race latino of African and native indegenious ancestry. But I can understand why he would feel that way. We live in a PC SJW culture in the USA that demonizes and guilt trips white people, especially white cisgender males. Asian culture is a sensitive issue because there is a big SJW voice from the Asian community. Many black and latina women actually don't mind when someone says "I prefer black women, I prefer latinas" but if white male goes "I prefer asians" the SJW-Asian community already starts pointing the yellow fever finger, ironically when you can find so many Asian women who prefer white men.

People think white males are such bad people, it's gets intense. Just looks at the Asian youtubers that talk crap about white men all the like like Anna Akana for example.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

"things like watching anime and going to the Comic-on aren't even a big deal"
I agree with you it's not a big deal, but many SJW do see it as a big deal, and I've seen many Asians call whites who go to comic con weeabos with yellow fever with a wifu pillow and a senpai fetish or whatever these fucking Jap hentai terms are LOL

Anyways I don't blame this white fellow and I understand why he feels this way.

[Piluex]

@TyroneTerminator2229 Fucking SJW, I'm happy that they aren't a big deal where I live, I feel bad for all of you in the USA that have to deal with that shit.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Oh hey man you're latino as well? From Chile

[Piluex]

@TyroneTerminator2229

[Piluex]

Yeah I'm from chile, you're from?

[Piluex]

(Sorry for the blank response, I tried to write something but accidentally touched the submit button)

[Asker]

Piluex you think the SJW made him like this? or the PC culture

[Piluex]

Well, both, pc culture and SJW are intertuined, so I can't blame l one whithout the other.

[PlacentaSalad]

You're creating this confusion that anime and cosplay is a large part of Japanese culture, when that's really just a separate interest that some Japanese people have. Is every Japanese person into anime? Probably not. It's just like how every white American male isn't into football or cars or guns. He might be, but I'm sure not.

It is disappointing that he doesn't want to participate in anything relating to your culture or heritage, but perhaps instead of going out to eat at an Asian restaurant, cook something of a Japanese cuisine instead, and just slowly blend your two cultures together. I think eventually he'll learn that he's making a bigger deal out of it than what he should be, but it's never a bad idea to communicate about the issue and try to convince him yourself.

[Asker]

When did I say anime and cosplay is a big part of Japanese culture? I never said that, and guess what on that logic nothing is every part of any culture at all because not everyone follows the same thing.

Tacos are a part of mexican culture, not a big part, because not everyone eats tacos in mexico. Some parts have different cultures. You know what I mean stop playing word games.

[PlacentaSalad]

You're suggesting he learns more about your culture and then you try to get him to watch anime with you, and also try to seduce him in anime costume. As well as try to convince him to attend a convention with you. You don't see what this is telling him about the Japanese culture? Not everybody likes anime and playing dress-up, your boyfriend isn't obligated to pretend to enjoy it either just for your sake. This is why he mentioned that white people are considered weeaboos for liking anime and stuff.

[Asker]

Anime is not a large part of japanese culture, but it is a part of japanese culture for many people. I never said large part, but still a part.

[BeHappyCloud]

I don't want to stir up some cultural debate.. but I think this is where, in the general sense, Asian culture differs from the N. American culture. Since I feel that Asian culture generally celebrates the "group" mentality whereas N. American culture broadly encouraged the"individual" mentality.

I just think you need patience and let him understand that your culture made you who are today. So him saying that "I like you for you" is basically a contradictory statement because no one grew up without being influenced by external factors (family beliefs, culture. Etc). And as an East Asian myself, I agree that, without your culture, you cannot be truly you. So if he so insists on only loving the part of you engaged in his culture and not even try experiencing yours, I don't know if you guys will be happy long term. Perhaps reiterate how important it is for him to engage in your culture later, and see what he says?

[menina]

I'm sorry to hear that.
When I first started reading the details of your question, I thought that he didn't want to be part of your culture or talk about your race, because that's a sensitive topic.
I thought he was trying to avoid an argument. Which is good and it shows respect.
Then, after reading what he told you, I've changed my mind.
I understand he doesn't want to get obsessed with your culture, because being obsessed with something/someone is never good.
But, I understand why you're hurt. He's not interested in something that is part of you, that is important to you. It might seem like he doesn't respect it.
I would say you should give him some space, to calm down. To think about your relationship and see how much you like him.
Then, you could have a conversation with him about this and tell him how you feel. Because this is not something you guys will forget easily.

[Anonymous]

It's simple - he is ashamed of liking an Asian woman. He wishes he didn't but he does so he's in denial and avoids everything that reminds him even more that he's "that guy" who's with an Asian. Those guys are often looked down upon, partly because they don't stick to dating their own race and partly because a lot of unattractive men or men who can't handle, or even get, white women (who demands more equally in the relationship) go to asia to bring home a wife. I'm not saying that he actually falls into that category but many white men who are with Asians do, it's a stereotype and a embarrassing one.

[Izumiblu]

He seems little too sensitive about it. I mean, it is your culture after all. He can learn and be involved to a certain extent and not go overboard with it and not be a weaboo. There is a difference between learning about a culture and being a weaboo. That being said, the cos play stuff... yeah if he's not into it ya know, dont make him do it.

But you do need to explain that your culture is important to you and he needs to be open to it.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

I can't speak for white people, I'm a mixed race latino of African and native indigenous ancestry. But I can understand why he would feel that way. We live in a PC SJW culture in the USA that demonizes and guilt trips white people, especially white cisgender males. For some east Asians it is a sensitive issue because there is a SJW voice from some pockets of the Asian community (as well as other communities of other minorities) but I've also seen some people point the yellow fever finger, cultural appropriation fever finger at anything they can.

And today White males are such bad people, it's gets intense. I used to watch many Asian youtubers but had to unsub after they talk crap about white men all the like like Anna Akana for example. And I told you in another question that when I dated my Chinese ex how we argued about race/culture all the time, a big part of it was some of her opinions that were SJW-like and her anti-white racism.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Izumiblu I apologize if I come off as hating the Asian community, that's why I'm trying to be careful and saying that this is a trend in only some pockets of the Asian community with a sjw mindset.

Trust me, I have a bunch of criticism of the latino and black community as well and can talk crap about it all day about their hatred, their racism, their discrimination, their double standards, gang and crime problems and trends in some pockets I really disagree with as well etc.

[Asker]

@TyroneTerminator2229 Well I have seen that attitude to some extend, like I never understood the concept of "yellow fever", but most Asian women I know prefer white guys and don't really find Asian guys attractive. It does seem like a double standard but it still hurts.

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 I didn't think you were hating on the Asian community. You have given your perspective based on a very real experience for you. THat to me does not equal hating on anyone. Anywhere you go, there will be hate, racism, stupid people. In the case of this relationship among these two people, i would tell them that they shouldn't let people outside the relationship define what their relationship is. The reality is culture is an important part of a person's life. He cannot reasonably deny that to her and expect a healthy relationship because it is important to her. What is more important to him? Her feelings or the feelings of some group of people that he doesn't know or care about?

[Izumiblu]

I am of japanese descent, my guy is white. It would bother me as well if my guy did what yours is doing.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Izumiblu I completely agree with you, he should put her feeling first, but if I could add something, I could understand this white guilt.

(disclaimer I am using PTSD as a analogy not trying to say it's the same)
I could see how white guilt becomes a form of a PTSD kind of thing, where white people are scare to touch anything, non-white with a stick.

And in some ways, I've seen this thing where certain cultures have their own thing that they are more sensitive about when compared to other cultures.

In my experience but also from what I've seen online and hear from people, if a white guys goes "I prefer black women" or "I prefer Latinas", "I find African/Latin beauty wonderful" most black and Latin women I know, I've met, interacted with would blush and feel so happy to hear that and appriciate that"

But if a white guys says "I prefer Asian women" many Asian women get suspecious and start already pointing fingers.

[Asker]

@izumiblu but why do Asian girls complain about yellow fever when many of them prefer white men, I don't get it. Most of my Asian friends prefer white guys over Asian men

[Izumiblu]

There's a difference between preferring a certain type of person and objectifying them. No girl wants to be the conquest of the guy that just wants to get another notch on his belt. You might be with a white guy, but is that the only thing you want from a relationship... for him to be white? I doubt it... Yellow fever, means that is exactly and all the guy wants... an Asian girl. You might as well be a nice watch or a pair of sunglasses. You might have a preference for a white guy, but you want the relationship to be good and healthy and a match for both of you. A guy just being white doesn't hit that bar now does it?

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu yes I agree, there's a difference between a fetish and a preference. Can I ask you something, what do you think of slut shaming? As in women who just like sleeping with hot guys?

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Do you think it's wrong for people to sleep around like that?

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229

drifting a bit off topic here, but i'll answer... i dont believe in the... "a woman can do whatever she wants and that doesn't make her a slut"... a slut is a slut... doesn't mean i or anyone should shame her, but she is what she is. Generally, i dont shame people, if you ask for me an opinion i give it, but i dont go to any trouble to make it my business what other people do. Your time, your business is yours as long as you keep it out of my face.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu

I wasn't drifting off topic, I ask this because as you said there is a difference between a fetish and a preference.

A fetish is when you only want someone for their race not who they are. As you said to objectify, to reduce something to only something superficial.

Now when someone dates me I don't mind my race/ethnicity being a factor, I just don't want it to be the only factor. Same way if a girl thinks I'm attractive I don't want my attractiveness to be the only factor. Ultimately I want her to be with me for who I am. Personally I prefer black women but I will ultimately be with any woman of any race as long as they make me happy.

But in scenarios like hooking up and sleeping around, it's pretty much mostly based on objectification and superficial looks.

A women sleeping with guys just because they are hot, a man sleeping with women just because they are hot. I would feel weird about telling them it's wrong what they are doing.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

Izumiblu
Let's say for example, There's a white women who goes to a club and she just wants to sleep with a black guy just because he's black, and there's a black guy who goes to a club who wants to sleep with a white women just because he's white, this white woman and the black guy meet and decide to have sex and objectify eachother for their race.

They are 2 consenting adults, it makes them happy and they are aware of what's going on, no one is getting hurt or manipulated.

So what exactly is wrong with that?

Do I want someone to fetishize me? No I don't want that

But if other consenting adults want to, why is that wrong?

Reducing someone to just their race or to just their attractiveness is both objectifying

[TyroneTerminator2229]

"No girl wants to be the conquest of the guy that just wants to get another notch on his belt"

But that's exactly what some girls love doing and love doing to other men. The same girls other Slut shame.

"You might as well be a nice watch or a pair of sunglasses"

And yeah in many situations women and men are treated like that just because they are hot

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu and many people have other types of fetishes, like amputees have a community where they date other amputees because of this fetish they have, but if they are consenting adults and it makes them happy I have a hard time telling them that it's wrong. But you could call that ableist, just the same way you could call race fetish racist or just using people for their hotness sexist.

You see what I mean? Again do I want someone to reduce me to my attractiveness, race or disability (if I hypothetically had a disability)?
No I don't

But I feel weird saying that other consenting adults are wrong for doing so

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 ok, not going to argue with you, that is their business, doesn't make it right though and it has nothing to do with race... and what you describe is a one time thing.. call it life experience. Make that a regular habit and you start breaking into slut territory.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu I don't like slut shaming, if girls just wanna sleep around with guys they find hot, it's their life and they can do whatever makes them happy, and that's why I feel weird about fetish shaming also.

If people wanna fetishize each other for their race, disability, if they get off by rubbing vegetables inside each other kneecaps, do furry fuzzy outfit stuff, poop sex, whatever, it's their life.

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 Just taking one example... it becomes wrong when one of the pair has different expectations. When an Asian girl complains about "yellow fever" she is saying she is not consenting to that type of a relationship.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu wait whoahhhhh, nobody is trying to argue, were just talking here aren't we?

And there's nothing wrong with someone being a slut, or a prostitute or porn star, it's their choice and their body to express however they want. Why are you getting hostile with me?

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu Oh never mind you said you don't agree with sleeping around, alright fair point.

"it becomes wrong when one of the pair has different expectations" yeah ok i agree

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 Like i said before, it's their business not mine. i have no interest in commenting on or judging other people and what they do in the bedroom. If someone asks me, a woman that goes around sleeping with random guys on a regular basis, call her whatever you want, a pretty flower, a virgin, a slut, whatever you call it she has the potential for problems, health, mental, pregnancies, former fuck buddies that just wanna be a problem. And anyone that wants to turn a blind eye to that is naive. Doesn't mean she doesn't deserve the right guy or that she should be disrespected or that she can't pull her life together. But a person can't ignore those things. You may look at that and see that you are ok with those risks and you find it is worth investing in that relationship and that's fine. But you really shouldn't expect that any person should just pretend like those things aren't real.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu

Sorry I didn't mean to come off like I was trying to argue, I misread your question and I thought you said you were ok with women being sluts and I thought you were getting hostile with me, my mistake I apologize. I understand that you don't agree with women being sluts or sleeping around

[TyroneTerminator2229]

I guess what I mean by saying it's not wrong is that It's their life to choose and their responsibility. I wound't want to date a porn star for example or to be a porn star, I meant I would just respect peoples right to do so and still respect them as a human being, but yeah you're right about the risk certain actions bring and we have to be realistic about risk

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 You and i have talked a few different times. Maybe i should watch my wording a little bit so i dot come off as hostile to you because i didn't intend to. I dont recall a time where you have ever been disrespectful to me and i try to keep an equal level of respect when i talk to people. So i apologize that i came off that way, it wasn't intended.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu it's ok, it was mostly me to misread it, sometimes it's also very easy to misinterpret the tone of typing, again my sincere apology.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu you're very respectful in all of our intereactions, and I have always enjoyed talking to you and hearing your opinions so yeah again I apolgize

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu could I ask you something in relation to this sorta? If we are still cool with eachother?

[Izumiblu]

@TyroneTerminator2229 Im really sorry if i gave you the impression what we wouldn't be. Feel free to ask. Just so you know, having a difference of opinion does not mean people cannot respect one another. On this site, you run into people that get offended and angry over just the dumbest stuff, so i can understand your caution. But i try really hard not to be one of those people and you are welcome to ask as you wish.

[TyroneTerminator2229]

@Izumiblu no it's ok, I'm sorry if I got defensive so quickly. Like I said you've been nice and respectful other times.

[ak666]

I think he doesn't realize that in doing this, he's creating a rift and tearing you away from your own culture. He's somewhat forcing you to assimilate fully into American culture (not "white", per se, just American). The ideal is a blending and exchange and mutual curiosity.

I believe he thinks what he's doing to be right but I don't think he understands the consequences it has for you.

It might be worth making him realize what he's doing and take on a tough love approach, especially if you're not happy with the idea of hiding this side of you. Imagine marrying such a guy and only eating American food, no rice, miso soup, curry rice, tonkatsu, mapo doufu, sukiyaki, sushi, ramen, etc. etc. etc.

I think the most ideal scenario is if you can bring him to Japan. That might be tough to pull off though with the way he feels at the moment.

[abc3643]

I understand where he is coming from about Yellow Fever and it is good that he is aware of it, but he is actually doing the worst possible thing. By being very deliberate at avoiding the appearance of not having Yellow Fever, he still is giving Yellow Fever a hold over his life. What he needs to do to defeat his false belief that others might believe that he has Yellow Fever is simply to treat you as the human being you are - and part of that is being Japanese.

If he doesn't get it, then find out his ethnicity and be deliberate in not participating in anything from his ethnic culture. For instance, if he is Italian, refuse to eat pizza or lasagna or spaghetti... Either he will get the message or he won't in which case you need to break-up with him. Either way, the situation will be resolved.

Show him this post.

[Atlas67890-]

I agree with him. Sounds like you keep throwing your asian-ness in his face when he probably doesn't give a shit and likes you for you. Its like you're shit testing him in order to get a reaction like black girls who wear their 'culture' on their sleeve and flaunt it around white people to get a reaction. If he's interested in your culture then sure explore with him but... dressing like an anime girl before sex? DAFUQ? You're fetishizing your damned self!

Maybe there's some SJW that rubbed off on him but that kind of shit you did would be a major turn off.

[BeHappyCloud]

I heard that dressing up like an anime character during that actually turns on some Asian men. And since we are all humans and shouldn't be toooo different, she thought she could try it with him? You sound rather close-minded there.

[RegularTK421]

I see both of your sides. He just doesn't want to be seen as an appropriating your culture. I know his response sounded harsh, but he actually means it in a respectful way. Some people get angry if they see "outsiders" adopting their culture. The only compromise I can think of, is keeping it in the home. For example, my aunt had given me some Japanese robes when she worked over in Japan. I wore them around the house, but never outside in public. Also, he might be a bit too old or mature for cosplay. It's not realistic to think a grown man wants to dress up as fictional characters.

[AnaWryneck]

Your boyfriend sounds awesome and you sound like you want him to have Yellow fever he likes you he doesn't have to like your culture and dressing up is cosplay IS NOT Japanese culture it's a fun little space in its recent culture but not that shallow you need to take a look at yourself and question why you want to be objectified

[Smarter]

it is your culture not his for one, it's something you cherish he does not have to. you can't force someone to be someone they are not but you can share for a brief moment. One in America you do not grow in love 2 in Asian culture you grow in love over time. Italian do not show love the are bull headed. this sounds like a fake story and big lie.

[rocsteady12]

look not trying to be negative but honestly it sounds like you are forcing your culture in him. im not saying you shouldn't be proud about your culture cause you should be. but you can't force somebody to want to learn or be apart of your culture if they dont want to. and you doing all this stuff is probably way to much for him. i love my southern heritage and i am proud to be a black man but if i date somebody of another race i wouldn't constantly temind my partner that we aren't the same

[RedThread]

This feels kind of made up.. Assuming that it's true, then it isn't right for him to not want to adopt some of your culture. Learning and adopting each other's culture and hobbies is part of a relationship I think.

[Asker]

why is it made up?

[Toad-1]

I dunno most people don't remember every single word someone else says in a giant paragraph. Something fishy about that

[Asker]

@Toad-1 I paraphrased from what I remember, I'm pretty sure he didn't exactly say it like that, I probably missed out something he said, or said it differently, I was just trying to get the main idea of what he said to the best that I could remember him saying it

[pooper89]

Sounds like this is either gonna be a dealbreaker for you or you're gonna have to accept it.
This seems like something that should have been addressed while you guys were still in the dating stage. How has this not come up earlier?

[pooper89]

Seems to me, the root of the issue is that he's very concerned about his image. Doesn't want people to think he's only dating you because you're Asian. I wouldn't date someone like that, personally. It's almost a bit insulting.

[DiegoO]

He is full of shit (excuse my words), you should be with someone who appreciates who you are, and your culture is part of your identity. What future those he see at your side exactly? I think he doesn´t has it clear.

[iFarted]

If he doesn't want to talk about your interest then it's not ognna work. There should be good communication and compromise.

[Anonymous]

He has his own culture... don't force him into yours. Find a happy compromise.

[Anonymous]

Do some Japanese girls think some foreign men are handsome

[AleDeEurope]

Nice bait.

[Asker]

lol what bait?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I believe this story.

[Asker]

um okkkk, don't understand why though

[disgustingweebtrash]

*looks at myself*

FeelsBadMan

[Anonymous]

it is better to break up

[Anonymous]

Come back to your country!