My boyfriend makes a lot more money than me, and it feels like he wants me to pay half always. Help!
My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 3 1/2 years. He makes 3 times as much as I do, and I try my best to contribute and pay half when I can, but sometimes its just not feasible for me. I try to explain this to him but it seems like it goes in one ear and out the other.Sometimes, if I walk into a store to buy myself ice cream or something silly, he'll stand outside, and I think it's because he wants to avoid the possibility of being expected to pay. I clean up his apt for him when he's not there and I cook, which he never does for me, to try to hep out in a way that isn't monetary. However, lately it feels like I'm being tested and he just doesn't want to pick up any bills or anything. I was raised in a family where the man always picked up the tab, but I'm not a gold digger. I just see it as a form of respect. He knows my financial situation and he still gives me a hard time when I don't offer to pay half on a date. It hurts my feeling and makes me feel like he looks at me as someone who takes advantage. I don't care what we do together but he doesn't seem to understand that what seems like a small amount of money to him makes a big difference to me. He's always had money and I've always struggled for it, so I have a hard time getting him to understand my position without him getting defensive.I love him in so many other ways. He is my best friend, but this polar opposite way of looking at money is pushing me away. How can I make him understand my position without it seeming like I only care about money?
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Most Helpful Opinion
I think these days who ever makes the invite expects to pay. If the man asked you out He should always pay. after 3 1/2years it sounds like you are an established couple and dates are implied and not asked as romantic events and he may be the kind of guy that thinks at this point you are going to share it all. I'm sure he doesn't think you're a gold digger but maybe he is beyond the stage of wooing you and feels overwhelmed by paying every time you are together. Then again maybe he's just cheap. try to remember if he has always been this way from the start, if so... he's probably cheap. Maybe he is saving money for a diamond? If I were you I would decline his invitations to go out stating "I don't have the money" If he wants to see you he will pay. I myself have dated a women recently the things seem to be an equal exchange. I always expect to pay but sometimes she grabs the check and wants to pay it. Although she does complain about guys that want to "go dutch" I have told her I will not argue over the check if she tries to pay. She must have a reason to want to treat me. I do buy her gifts from time to time and pay as well but its just hard to know the mind set of someone these days when it comes to money.. Maybe just ask?
What Guys Said 4
Can't you just somehow tell him that mathematically if you pay the half at that moment without any calculations then you are paying 3/4 of your total income while he's paying only 1/4, and it's really stressful that it's not equal? :O
Frankly, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who is going to understand no matter what you say to him and it sure doesn't sound like he respects you. Have you tried not doing as much?
You won't be able to change him or how he thinks or acts about money and you, it could be a deal breaker for him. Long term he could end up building resentment. If you are from different backgrounds it can be a challenge. Nothing you can do about how much you earn. Its the no 1 cause of arguments in a relationship...
How's that "equality" thing working out for you women now?
What Girls Said 1
You and I have the same issue right now. Seems like some people only hear what they want to. They play it off like it's selective memory loss. If you explain it til you're blue in the face, and he still doesn't comprehend it, he's just trying not to listen. If he was a truly understanding man, he'd take your situation into consideration and help you where he can. Let's hope our situations change for the better. Maybe we just need a different man.