He doesn't want kids, but I do?
Okay so I've been with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and everything's been great and I can very much say I'm completely happy with my life right now. The only problem is the other night at dinner my boyfriend brought up the topic of kids. He basically told me that he wanted to know where I stood on it because he feels that he'd be better as an uncle than a dad. And then continued on to say that he isn't going to try to have kids but if it just happened it's a blessing. The whole time I was speechless because I'm studying to be an elementary school teacher so OBVIOUSLY I love kids and yes I very much want to have my own someday. I'm not saying I want them now but I would like to have some in the future and I just feel like he crushed my dreams of our perfect life together.. I guess I just don't know what to do? Is it pointless to stay with someone if you want something they don't?
What's Your Opinion?
Most Helpful Opinion
Guys often change their mind on this issue as they age. My gut feeling is he'll eventually shift his viewpoint on children as most men do, but I'd also be remiss if I didn't warn you that there are times when their mentalities don't change. Go over with him the reasons for him not wanting kids. If it's because he enjoys the freedom of not having kids (though cute they do suck up a lot of time) he'll probably grow out of that as he ages. If it's something else like he can't stand kids (they yell all the time, they're a constant mess) he may not get over that. If he says he's okay with being an uncle though, and if he says if you do have kids it's a blessing, then he'll probably at least be open to having a kid in the future.
What Guys Said 3
I guess he knows you want to have kids even though the relationship is very young. You have to be realistic and not expect to have kids this early and he could be worried that this will be a decisive desire from you too early in the relationship for him and you. You need more time because its a big commitment and it makes sense to be together and stronger for longer so don't worry about it he just doesn't want that pressure just now because 7 months is no time atal.
Guys opinions on these things change with age it seems. I would not let this ruin anything. You said it yourself that if it happened he said it would be a blessing. I would say that is more than some of my friends used to say and now they are trying to have children. From what I can tell with most of my friends is that opinion mostly changes when they get out of college and settle down in their own home and a steady job.
What Girls Said 7
Real love is about compromise.
Is it financially reasonable to assume on a teacher's salary you can have a ton of kids? Nope, I would know, I'm a college professor and I can barely afford what my own two children want/need.
Is it fair to the planet for your to birth a ton of children in an over populated globe that is fighting constantly for limited resources?
Is it fair to a child to have less financial security because it's mother wanted a full nest? The average American child, just on the BARE minimum costs 180 grand in food, clothing and shelter to rear over 20 years. That's a college education. If you have 3,4,5, kids, you won't be able to afford college for them, is that fair?
You are getting into education - your life will full of children EVERYDAY, so it's not like you will miss out on their innocence or company. There is a world out there to mother, children need not share your genes directly in order to require your parenting.
Perhaps it's time to talk with your boyfriend about how you DO want children, and wanted a large family, but because you love him you are willing to compromise and settle on the experience of ONE child, when HE is ready. Not only would this please your man and please you, but it would ALSO give that single child the best financial start in life possible.
You have to figure out what things in your life are nonnegotiable. It could be religion, kids, marriage, etc. The things that are nonnegotiable in your life are things that would bring you extreme unhappiness if you were to compromise for the sake of the other person or the relationship.
In your case its kids. and in his case it might also be not having kids.
SO please don`t wait around to see if he changes his mind. Some women do and then years later they realize that the guy won't change his mind and that she wasted x amount of years on this dead-end relationship.
But I think maybe its time for you to talk to him on your views of that topic and then you will see from there
It sounded as though he let you know his opinion on the matter, but didn't give you a chance to voice yours. I love kids too, and if my boyfriend said that he didn't want them, that would pretty much be a deal-breaker for me. So, I think you need to bring the matter up again, and let him know that having kids is really important to you and that you're concerned that you both have different ideas about the future. He should be able to have a mature conversation about it with you and either things won't work out or you'll reach a compromise. Most importantly, don't stew over the matter and let it eat away at you - clear the air and talk things over.
dude... he said he'd be OK with if it happened... that doesn't sound like the guy is TOTALLY saying no way to kids. He's young, I assume, as you are... waaaaay too early to think about children!
Guys don't have the same clock as women. My brother didn't want kids or a wife when he was in his 20's or even early 30's... now at 35 he got a wife and by forty he had four kids! This from the same man who said no way no how was he having kids or a wife...EVER.
So, be patient, observant...worry more about your career and life. Let him worry about his. :)
Kids are not easy at all, they're sometimes a pain in the... so don't go into it lightly. :)
Do you want kids right now and this very second?
It is really disheartening to be told someone doesn't have the same thoughts on kids :/
But with time positions and stances on things do change. Just don't worry about it now. You might have a beautiful future together with many kids later on. He might just right now not be ready for kids.
I would say stay with him, and when the time comes talk to him again about this and how you feel.